Nerd Geyser

The Reshaping of Azeroth

2009-08-16T11:11:00.003-04:00

The Call of the Crusade

The beginning of the End has come. Highlord Tirion Fordring has put a daring plan into motion: to unite the contentious forces of the Alliance and Horde together and select their greatest champions to send against the Frozen Throne itself. To this end, Fordring and his Crusade have founded the Argent Tournament, calling brave and powerful soldiers from all over the world to compete for the right to claim vengeance and glory unparralled in the world's history.

Well, lads and gents, patch 3.2 is here! Well, "here" as of last week, but lets just forget about my laziness for a moment. Besides the obligatory new raid and questlines, this patch brought about some of the most earthshattering changes to the basic structure of WoW en masse. Suddenly, my absolute favorite part of the game, 5man Heroic dungeons, are very very useful again. Add to that the better than decent gear that now drops from the new 5man, Trial of the Champions, I've managed to get my Paladin into all i213 and up gear in every slot... which translates to much easier Ulduar runs and absolute tomfollery in the new Coliseum. Anyone else besides me wish that Garrosh and The Chin would just jump in halfway through the fight and just get this shit over with?!
BUT WHAT... THERE IS MORE.....

World of Warcraft: Cataclysm
The first news about the much-anticipated 3rd WoW expansion has been slowly leaking onto the internet for over a month, starting with the title above. And while the rumors of new races came out three weeks ago, the absolute buffet of juicy news that leapt off of MMO-Champion this week bears immediate mentioning. I won't get into every specific here, so please visit the link above to get the full story, but some of the more interesting developments include the following:
1) Azeroth is being reshaped! Aszhara, queen of the Naga, and Deathwing, fallen Black Dragon Aspect, have caused an unimaginable catastophe now known as the eponymous "Cataclysm". The coastlines of Azeroth have been almost completely re-written. Kalimdor has been broken in two, and Thousand Needles has been flooded! Durotar has been decimated and Orgrimmar has been destroyed, with a new Orc capital city being constructed over the course of the expansion!
2) New Races! The lost kingdom of Gilneas has been opened once more by the destruction of the Greymane Wall, revealing an infestation of the Worgen curse... and now has introduced the pacified Worgen Gilneans to the Alliance. Meanwhile, Deathwing has attempted to enslave the Goblin race again, resulting in a rebel group of Goblin refugees fleeing to the Barrens and joining the Horde officially at last.
3) New Race-Class Combo's! The return of the Night Elf Highborne with the advent of Night Elf Mages! The Sin'dorei has rebuilt their armies with the coming of the Blood Elf Warrior! Tauren and Gnomes have found the Holy Light, and have begun to train Paladins and Priests! Trolls have brought into the Cenarion Circle and have become druids!

Oh, and just that little thing sidenote that Malfurion Stormrage has returned from the Emerald Dream at long last.... in order to help create a new Guardian of Tirisfal... who just happens to be motherhugging THRALL!!!!

NERDGASM! No words... should've sent a poet!

Wildly Inappropriate

2009-07-16T14:00:00.003-04:00

This may or may not bring Chris Hansen to your house, but the following video has been popping up on almost every blog I read in the last few days. Apparently, at the height of Alyssa Milano's "Who's the Boss" days (or possibly in the immediate, Lifetime-movie dominated aftermath), she was convinced to star in a workout video aimed at teen girls. Just watch the first couple of minutes, and then feel bad about yourself because you actually got disappointed when the dialogue lead to an actual workout session, and not the workout your porno-addled mind has since come to expect.

And then tell Mr. Hansen that the guy he's looking for is the one who actually made this video. Shit, even the girls who actually watched this as teens have to be in their mid to late thirties by now. Now, jump in the wayback machine and remember the first time you saw a girl on television and had those confusing feelings you'd usually associate with hearing that Nintendo was coming out with a SUPER Nintendo next Christmas!

This should turn out well....

2009-07-16T11:44:00.002-04:00

According to some recent reports, Emma Watson is considering signing on to a goth remake of Cinderella... alongside Marilyn Manson. For those of you with me on "ummm... ok" page, consider this: according to unnamed sources this is part of a larger effort Emma is making to break free from her "child star" image as her co-star Daniel Radcliffe did before her by appearing nude on stage.

The sad part is that, in your heart of hearts, you already know we're not going to get the same results with Emma. She immediately strikes me as one of those celebrities where nudity is just never going to happen unless its a complete accident. Then again, she IS british, and those limeys seem to have no compunction with topless breasts appearing on literally every piece of printed literature. So maybe we'll get something unexpected someday... but probably not from this train-wreck of a movie waiting to happen. This will probably just be some Tim Burton fanboy's dim fantasy, scrawled out in txt format, and hastily submitted to a studio executive shortly after recieving "good feedback" from fellow fan-fiction writers on the net.

Why can't more celebrities take the Anne Hathaway route? You can't get that girl to keep her shirt ON anymore... and thats why I worship her as a saint. If only my masterful scheme to frame her boyfriend for international financial fraud had worked out as well as I planned... or perhaps I've said too much....

p.s.: Marilyn Manson's life has become excessive drug abuse, occasional touring, and banging out barely legal celebs. So, um, yeah.... good luck working with that guy, Emma.

Natalie Portman is in "Thor"...ummm, ok.

2009-07-16T10:20:00.003-04:00

News broke yesterday that Natalie Portman will be playing the love interest in the upcoming Thor movie adaptation, thereby fulfilling her contractual obligation to nerds everywhere requiring her to appear in at least one sci-fiction and/or fantasy genre movie every three years. Sometimes I wonder what its like to be her agent.... "Alright Natalie, in the next few months we have three period-piece dramas, seven indie/slightly-hipsteresque "comedies"*, a Discovery channel special.... oh, and The Matrix 7: Revenge of the College Psychology Syllabus".

This girl is going to be forced into attending Comic-Cons for the rest of her natural life. And I appreciate that. But Thor? Really? I'm sure I'll be subjected to various nerdrage for this, but lets be honest: Thor sucks. Couple this with the news that Ryan Reynolds will be playing Hal Jordan's Green Lantern, and this looks like a depressing year for comic book movies. That being said, the fact that Natalie is in this movie is probably enough to make me go see it anyways, so good on you marketing executives. Even though the role of "love interest" in one of these things is usually confined to shooting the main character confused "what-are-you-hiding-from-me" looks for the 1st 3/4's of the flick, and then getting kidnapped and rescued just before credits roll.

WoW: Patch 3.2: "Azjol-Nerub was only a setback...."

2009-07-15T11:54:00.004-04:00

If anyone still read this blog, most notably my former fellow contributors, they'd probably roll their eyes so far back into their head as to drop a 2nd set of testicles at any mention of my unhealthy obsession: World of Warcraft. But... they don't, so I'm gonna do it. Please direct any commentary to your own sense of self-hatred and jealousy at just how much more l33t I happen to be. Real men don't need to attract women. They grind Yeti's in Alterac Mountains instead. Bitch. *sob*

Anywho, it may seem like 3.1 is still rather fresh, but 3.2 is now only a few weeks away. I'll admit, I'm one of the sad Blood Elves who have yet to down Yoggy himself, but I will say that being 8/14 into Ulduar is still pretty impressive to me considering this is the first time I'm raiding the endgame while still on the current patch-level gear (I won't count 3.0 and Naxx considering the near universal QQ about how easy it is). Nevertheless, one would think dropping another major content patch so quickly is going to overwhelm many within the casual-hardcore borderlands.

But alas, not so. While many are focused on the new Argent Coliseum raid, tier 9 faction-specific armor, and they greatly reduced levelling difficulty, I think the most intriguing aspect of 3.2 will be the end of Hero and Valor badges and the implementation of Conquest badge drops in all 5-mans! Suddenly, my favorite aspect of the endgame (if it can even be called that) is given brand new life with cravable rewards. Even my main, the poor little pally who has trudged through the Seige and Antechamber of Ulduar several times over, but has only managed to down Freya (hence awarding me no tier 8 pieces thus far), will be substantially geared up by going back to the Utgardes, Ulduar Halls, Nexus and Spider wings and the rest. Also, my alt druid will probably be closing in on Northrend about the time 3.2 drops, so in no time at all my two characters will probably be similarly geared.

Also, and from a purely geeky point-of-view, I'm excited about the direction the lore is taking in the upcoming patch, setting things up nicely for 3.3 and the Lich King himself. The Horde and Alliance are at each other's throats, while Tirion is desperately trying to hold everything together for his grand plan of a elite strike force of Azeroth's best to send against Arthas. And low and behold, who has been burrowing under the only tranquil spot on Icecrown Glacier for these past few months.... Anub'arak himself! I always thought his death in Azjol-Nerub was a little anticlimactic for such a major Northrend character, and seeing him pop up again as the final boss of the AC raid is simply awesome.

3.2 is on the Public Test Realm as we speak, and has been for a couple of weeks. Final release of the patch should probably happen sometime in early to mid August.

Almost Emma, Almost

2009-07-15T11:14:00.009-04:00

Well, its Wednesday and goddamit if my vacation next week doesn't feel like its still literally months away. So lets kill the hours together with eye candy.

The new Harry Potter flick is coming out tonight, and while I'll probably not bother with it until the inevitable HBO blitzkrieg of repeat showings early next year, I can't really pretend to hate these movies anymore either. If nothing else, they've given me a progressively-less-creepy celebrity crush in Emma Watson (pictured left, so close to making my month that it hurts).

Seriously, about the time this girl is 26, she's pretty going to be Kate Beckinsale. That perfect face, perfect body, British chick who you always double-take over when you pops up on t.v. As is, though, at 19, she's already well-beyond most other celebrities in her age-group. Add to that the fact that I don't want to stab out my ear drums with a flathead screwdriver everytime she opens her mouth. Thats always a plus.

Priority divided by Weight Gain over Time

2009-07-15T11:04:00.003-04:00

Well, the inevitable has happened. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have officially called it quits. And thus passes one of the more publicized celebrity couplings of our modern day. Not to mention the only hope for this New York Football Giant fan not to seriously question Tony Romo's ambigious sexuality.

Listen, I get it. I'll readily admit that I exude an interest in football thats borderline nerd-like obsession, but even I would take a step back from all the Romo-hate in the wake of his choketacular postseason performances in the last years, almost always blamed purely on the large breasted Texan to the right. While everyone else would sit there accusing Romo of being distracted away from his job, I'd be the only one sitting there saying "Can you blame him?!" Very few things in life are more important that football... but regularly banging one of the hottest girls on the planet is defintely one of them. That being said, I'm pretty sure that dealing with the vacuous sense of self-entitlement that comes hand-in-hand with the aforementioned amazing body can eventually tip the scales over time.

Nevertheless, I think the picture below is a pretty good bet as to where Jessica can go from here. And all the inuendo that it implies.

Anyone else feel like there should be a NaughtyAmerica tag on the lower left corner of that cap?

Raised from the dead by hot french bitches...

2009-07-07T12:21:00.013-04:00

The following post does not promise, nor imply, an effort towards future improvement in regularity of updates. Instead, it is purely a reflection of the writer's present fleeting obsession with the following celebrity figure.

Alright, this is more than old news, but I thought it bared mentioning regardless: Alizee is impossibly hot. I mean, like orbiting-so-close-to-the-sun-that-you'd-be-warping space-time-kinda hot. Sure, we have a long, proud history of pop tart starlets here in the States too, but I gotta be honest... not like this. Which begs the alarming question: are we Americans losing the ass race with Europe?! How will our national security be ensured without a constantly-upgraded stream of mildly-talented, extremely-pro-tools'ed (yes, thats a verb.... NOW) borderline jailbait singers.... to make us feel uncomfortable and confusing emotions? If thats our future, people, I don't want any part of it, man. Just put me on the boat to France right now. I'm pretty good at feigning arrogance and surrendering to Germany.

Jailbird

2008-09-30T11:25:00.004-04:00

Leighton Meester, who is apparently on that show Gossip Girl, has escaped my attention for quite some time now. However, with news today that she was born in jail has intrigued me. It turns out Meester's mother was convicted of involvement with the smuggling of 1,200 lbs. of marijuana when she was 29... and shortly thereafter little Leighton came into the world... in the county. Which begs the question: does her mother have any "connects" she could hook me up with? C'mon, baby, I'm fucking fiending here. Don't you hold out on me, bitch?!

Yeah, so...uh.. this girl is pretty. And apparently open-minded about being a pothead. Throw Star Wars-geek and socially-dysfunctional personality into the equation... and I think I just met my wife. See, ladies? This here is the TOTAL PACKAGE.

A Rachel Bilson Moment

2008-09-15T18:39:00.003-04:00

Did you ever watch the O.C.? Yeah, me neither. But one of my friends did, and that caused me to question his sexuality ever since. But then I started noticing Rachel Bilson, which allayed my doubts somewhat. Honestly, she has a surprisingly perfect body, and I could pretty much stare at this picture all day long. That being said, when I told my friend this he responded by telling me "yeah, and she's got such a great fashion sense, too!". Needless to say, I'm a little skeptical again.

A Jennifer Esposito Moment

2008-09-15T17:43:00.004-04:00

There's something about this chick's eyes that is absolutely fascinating to me. Everything else on the checklist is about average for a celebrity, but goddamn... those eyes. I sat through the entirety of that movie Taxi just to oogle her unabashedly whilst trying to block out the banter of Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Around the 20 min mark though, the sound had to get to turned off. Around the 35 min mark, the movie got turned off. Our business was... concluded. Oh, and Jimmy Fallon: to be the next Adam Sandler, you have to make two GOOD movies before you pump out half-a-dozen turd cupcakes. Mmm... cupcakes. Wait... did I just imply that I would to eat Jimmy Fallon's feces? How did that happen? Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound... *munch munch munch*.

P.S.: Watching "Taxi" probably qualifies as "eating Jimmy Fallon's shit" anyways. Zing.

A Jamie Chung Moment

2008-09-15T16:55:00.003-04:00

Before you hit me with "who the hell is that", let me just say that you are an impatient fuck. Now, after you've settled down, let me explain that Jamie Chung was the hottest (read: almost only) asian on the Real World. My friend SlapChicken tells me that she's also on this show called Samurai Girl, but not nearly as unclothed as you see to the right. Which begs the question: just how gay is SlapChicken for knowing that? Or better yet: just how foolish are that show's producers for failing to come up with that idea? What? That show is on ABC Family? Alright, even better. *sirens in distance* Shit! This bird's gonna fly! *escapes Penguin-style... but due to a faulty umbrellacopter falls sixty feet to his death two blocks away*

A Selma Blair Moment

2008-09-13T15:23:00.004-04:00

Remember that movie where those that chick made out in Central Park with Sarah Michelle Gellar? Well, that girl's name was Selma Blair, and if you'd heard that clip on Howard Stern of some girl dirty talking and dropping n-bombs, you've heard of her before. I think she's dating Hellboy right now, or something. Now, usually, I am the type of guy to appreciate any breast size, and oppose implants at every turn. That being said, Selma Blair is one cup size short of being nuclear-grade attractive. Still, I'll settle for m80-grade hotness any day of the week, so I probably shouldn't bitch... alright, you got me... I'd sleep with a trash can... if only it would give me the time of day... *sigh* someday, Rubbermaid. Someday.

A Shania Twain Moment

2008-09-13T12:38:00.006-04:00

Shania Twain is one of the more underappreciated
masturbatory idols of the 1990's in my opinion. Sure, she got lost in the Spears/Aguilera/Simpson/Moore perfect storm of barely legal (and now running a 50% ratio of "mentally unstable") storm of pop tarts. But, to be fair, she goes have the PERFECT body... and FACE... and CANADIAN-NESS! I know I've put up this picture to the right before, but it still warms my... heart... to this day. Add in the fact that she spent the decade almost exclusively exposing her mid-drift and cleavage, and her lack of appearing in a hardcore porno is the only thing I can hold against her. Especially after the restraining order.

An Amy Jo Johnson Moment

2008-09-13T11:56:00.005-04:00

Oh yeah, you remember the Power Rangers. And you definitely remember being the only kid on your block old enough to make crude sexual references to the Pink Ranger... references that you yourself barely understood. Example: "Hey man, I'd totally wash her out" or "I wish I could blow her!!" or something equally disturbingly hilarious. Isn't it funny how the statements we make which are adorably naive when young, become clear indicators of the worst kind of psychopath just a decade or two later? Nevertheless, lets remember the good times, before masturbation took over your entire life and ruined any chance you had of processing a halfway clean thought again for the remainder of your days. Example: right now, I'm wondering how many of the highlighters on my desk could fit in... you know what, just forget it.

A Jenna Haze Moment

2008-09-05T18:05:00.003-04:00

Again, sometimes its necessary to give it to the pornstars. Wait, no, thats not what I meant. Wait (squared)! Thats exactly what I meant. For all the superficial praise offered up on this site to Jennifer Aniston and Natalie Portman, there is very little credit given to the girls that we are actually looking at when we spank it. I'm sure I could find plenty wrong with Jenna Haze. But everytime I start, I get sidetracked by watching her get double-teamed by two former members of the Oakland Raiders offensive line. And I do love football so.

Jenna Haze's Official Site

A Kate Beckinsale Moment

2008-09-04T14:52:00.007-04:00

Have you ever heard somebody tell you that "nobody's perfect"? Well, the next time they do just scream "What about Kate Beckinsale?!"... and then stand back and watch as they are utterly broken by your logic bomb... and by "logic bomb", I mean the cricket bat you just beat them about the brainpan with. That, my friends, is the REAL way to win friends and influence people. Suck on that, Tony Robbins.

A Yulia Volkova Moment

2008-09-04T13:39:00.004-04:00

In Russia, a hot teenage celebrity is worth 6,000 rubles. But a hot, faux-bisexual teenage celebrity is worth one whole AMERICAN DOLLAR! Hence the marketing genius behind TaTu, who no one remembers anymore except for former-Soviet block nations... and me. Other things I have in common with the Soviet Union: a taste for drab outfits, brutalist statues all over my front yard, an instinctive distrust for Germans, and a penchant for exiling my enemies to cold, frozen wastelands. And anyone who thinks its hardly fair to compare stuffing neighborhood kids into the freezers over at 7-11 to the goulags of Siberia is only saving themselves a space between the Ben & Jerry's and the Hungry Man dinners.

A Liz Vicious Moment

2008-09-01T16:34:00.005-04:00

Ah, Liz Vicious. Obviously, my weakness for pseudo-goth redheads is already well-documented. Pseudo-goth redheaded pornstars though?! Oh, yeah buddy. But let me take a moment to make a distinction here... namely between the terms "goth" and "emo". If you're ever confused how to tell the difference between the two, here's a nifty trick: while both look like miserable fucks, the goth kid is the one hanging out in the same basement for twenty years, buys his/her clothes at the Salvation Army and has a severe drinking/drug problem.The emo kid is the one with hanging in out in packs of twenty, buys his/her clothes at Hot Topic, and is constantly crying. Usually because they are being horribly beaten by their peers, or at least hopefully so. Another way, you ask? The goth kid's music makes you want to kill yourself. The emo kids music makes you want to kill them.

Liz Vicious' Official Site

A Nikki Nova Moment

2008-09-01T16:18:00.005-04:00

Some may misunderstand me. Ok, most will. But for all my use of masoginistic terminology on this site, I really don't hold anything against "promiscuous" women (that's what she said... zing!). Frankly, if I was a hot chick... well, that doesn't work because I'd just stay home all day. Not doing anything nasty, mind you. Just, you know, cooking for the kids and trying on a few new outfits. Wait, what?! Quick, put up a pornstar! Nikki Nova? Great! Yeah, so, umm.. lets go drink some Steel Reserve and go to tractor pull! Masculinity!

Nikki Nova's Official Site

A Kari Wuher Moment

2008-09-01T15:23:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure if Kari Wuher has any kids, but given that she's 41 now and still vamping the role of resident tats in whatever Sci-Fi original "movie" is on this week ("Hammerhead Shark Zombie", "Night of the Leopards", "Yellowjacket Madness 3: The Bee-ening", etc.), I'm going to go ahead and label her a MILF. Any complaints of misidentification should be filed with your local magistrate on or before the 15th, lest the claim be filed as void. Claims recieved within the designated timeframe will be filed as "accurate... but kinda sad". Which is, by the way, the same way my last three girlfriends described me. Hahaha. Just kidding. I've never had a girlfriend.

An Allie Sin Moment

2008-09-01T15:00:00.005-04:00

Maybe its her tight body. Maybe its her impossibly perky chesticles. Maybe its the vaguely "no-sense-of-self" emo chick vibe she gives off. Or maybe its just the way I've seen her evicerated with penis's (penisi?) a few dozen times. In any case, its a rare pornstar that actually catches my eye long enough to make me remember her after the inevitable secret shame following... uhh... self-coitus(?). But Allie Sin, or Naughty Naty, or whatever other fucking name she's using this week, is that perfect mix of uberslut and pretty lady. And by "lady", I mean slut again.

A Lacey Chabert Moment

2008-09-01T14:30:00.008-04:00

Mmmm... has anyone seen Ms. Chabert in anything lately? Like hardcore pornography? No? Can we get someone working on that? Yeah, lets get someone working on that right away. Hey, Jimmie! Get your ass down to the legal department. Lets make this happen, babe. What? She isn't interested? Here, call her back and sweeten the deal. This time, offer her TWO bags of Muncho's. Putty in our hands, Jim. Putty in our hands.

A Mila Kunis Moment

2008-09-01T14:12:00.006-04:00

For the longest time, I used to argue that Laura Prepon was the hotter chick on That 70's Show, much to the questioning of my sexuality and/or ability to perceive visible light. Now, I rarely concede an argument, but in this case, I think I may have to. Over the last few years, Mila Kunis has grown on me like a hobo's ingrown toenail. As in quickly, completely, and quite infected.

A Julie Benz Moment

2008-09-01T12:03:00.004-04:00

Yes. My infatuation with this woman pretty much, completely derives from Angel. Which, by now, I would have thought you'd have expected. And I, in turn, would expect to impress you. Because nothing is more impressive than a guy with encyclopedic knowledge of Joss Whedon shows, Stephen King books, and plays World of Warcraft. Yes, I know ladies, its almost too much to take in all at once. But if you'll all file into an orderly line... I promise to let all of you have a full thirty-seconds to laugh at me before its the next girl's turn.

A Zooey Deschanel Moment

2008-08-31T11:08:00.005-04:00

Zooey Deschanel has that unique look where she doesn't seem like the traditional harlot for T and/or A. And yet, that is precisely the method by which I objectify her. I'm so feminist friendly, I'm like 12 Susan B. Anthony's. And when the combine, they form Captain Planet. With boobs. Hows that for gender equality, bitches?

An Amanda Bynes Moment

2008-08-31T10:44:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure exactly what it is about Amanda Bynes that interests me. Maybe its the insufferable cuteness... or the generous cleavage. In either case, I haven't seen in her anything lately... but not in the "not wearing any clothing" sense... more like the "is she still alive?" kinda way.

Given the way the internet works, the previous paragraph will be aired on CNN in 20 min's, citing concrete proof that "insufferable cleavage" is being reported dead.

A Jordan Capri Moment

2008-08-29T23:03:00.005-04:00

Alright. A free advert for Lightspeed, you say? ... well, kinda. But only because Jordan Capri is probably one of the most impossibly hot girls I've have ever seen. Really, its kinda ridiculous already. Like how does anyone get anything done around her town? Is there a place in America where grown men stand like zombies, slack-jawed and immobile, while literally HUNDREDS of "acceptable" to "above average" women grind their teeth in jealous frustration?

Jordan Capri's Site

A Layla Kayleigh Moment

2008-08-29T16:16:00.006-04:00

England! Her Majesty's Holy Empire! Crown-Jewel of majestic Europe! Boiled Meat! And provider of a disproportionate amount of topless female models! Unfortunately, Layla Kayleigh is not one of these, but she's still sporting enough to take almost everything else off at one point or another. And the good business sense to seek out a small-time news update job on G4, and therefore diversify her male fanbase unto the most lucrative, and distrubing, in the world: American nerds.

A Cheyenne Silver Moment

2008-08-29T13:42:00.006-04:00

Sometimes its fun to oogle someone who you've already seen violated six ways from Easter Sunday. That being said, but for this girl's "sweet" face and body, she's just another vivid pornstar. Seriously, I've seen road cones go into this girl's.... ummm... lets say "one-way street". I'm not sure if that makes me dig her more or less... but its definitely a great way tomake sure I remember her. There ya go, ladies. Take that Cosmo.

An Alexis Bledel Moment

2008-08-29T12:50:00.004-04:00

"That girl's got devil eyes!" No, but seriously, this is another one for the category of "Will-look-like-they're-16-until-age-50" chicks. And what's wrong with that category, you may ask? That I'm not swimming in a pile of its members, thats what. And NOTHING else.

A Kathy Ireland Moment

2008-08-29T11:28:00.006-04:00

Ah yes, the first woman to make me realize girls had something other than cooties. Nothing quite like that 3rd-grade, extremely-confused reaction to seeing immaculate breasts for the first time. I don't care if this chick is wrinkled and missing all of her teeth now, I'd still hit it if only for posterity's sake.

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A Jessica Biel Moment

2008-08-28T14:05:00.006-04:00

Don't ask why, but I caught myself watching "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry" the other night (btw... does Adam Sandler substitute actual comedy for adding a new comedians from his flock at Happy Madison now? It just seems everything he touches turns to shit, and yet he gets top billing over the vastly-more funny people that he surrounds himself with), and the only thing that kept me watching was the entrancingly hot Jessica Biel. Seriously. Look at that body. It doesn't just look sexy... it looks fun. I don't know what that means... but I definitely mean it. Logic bomb, bitch!

A Lee Hyori Moment

2008-08-28T13:49:00.004-04:00

Oh, to be South Korean. Vaguely anime-resembling consorts, an unhealthy obsession with anything Blizzard makes, and a lifelong, blood-related sibling country that apparently was not hugged enough as a child. Not to mention that the qualifications for sleeping with top shelf women there is pretty much: "Are you American?". There's just not enough of those kinda countries left these days.

An Anne Hathaway Moment

2008-08-28T12:42:00.007-04:00

I'm sorry, but I fucking love this chick. Given that Fantasy Football is soon to begin, I'd wager that the infrequency of posts on this blog will only become more of the norm as the autumn goes by.

That being said, I thought I'd throw up some eye candy

to tide one over. So let's start with the big...umm. eyed, former Mafia girlfriend/Disney princess Anne Hathaway:

A Radiohead Moment

2008-08-17T12:48:00.004-04:00

Football is still 18 days away, so I thought we'd slug through the last few Sundays till I get completely consumed with some non-Football related entertainment. Today, lets start it off with a video of Radiohead's live performance of "2+2=5". Followed by the most adorable clip ever:

Well... maybe second most:

Toaster Struddle

2008-07-06T17:06:00.007-04:00

I'm not quite sure how I missed this but my favorite Cylon, Grace Park, recently appeared in Complex magazine for this sultry little photoshoot. If you'll excuse me for a second, I'm gonna let the nerd goo fly. The first three rows should bring a poncho.

Anyone who saw Battlestar Galactica this last season should agree that the show is nicely back on track towards its 2009 finale. The final, Earth post-apocalypse plot twist was particularly good. But my question is this: who the fuck are they going to reveal as the last of the Final Five Cylons... and somehow make it surprising? Starbuck? Easy guess. Baltar? Somehow, even easier guess. At this point, the only surprising twist they could do is make the 5th Cylon turn out to be a peanut butter sandwich or something. Which was then, in turn, accidentally eaten by the Admiral... with sexy results.

Anyways, enjoy some hot Asian robot action... that ISN'T hentai.

Dreamweaver...

2008-07-06T16:15:00.004-04:00

Keira Knightley, the second hottest woman on this planet, recently commented to journalists that she has no problem with nudity. This isn't really any form of news, considering I can name a few topless Keira moments without even really trying. But the fact that she is perfectly fine with whipping out her tats as long as people pay her for it, and not starting to take the common route of actresses her age and declaring that now she wants to take "classier roles".

I guess if you've performed 1/3rd of your entire career within the historical drama genre, "classy roles" are not really a concern anymore. But let us not take anything away from Ms. Knightley. As long as you keep taking your shirt off... I'll keep worshipping them from afar.

Source (Popoholic)...

Giving Back

2008-07-06T16:01:00.005-04:00

Elizabeth Hurley is an angel. Literally. Not only has she provided us with countless hours of oogling for the better part of most of my generation's youth, but now she shows her benevolence by putting out a fashion line of bikini's... all of which she models herself.

This woman is 43 years old now. And she looks like this. I'm sure there's plenty of girls out there cursing her genes with the furor of a hate crime. But, ladies, Ms. Hurley is just sharing the fact that she still has an early-20's body with the rest of the world. Do you know what that is called? Charity. If I was her, I would spend every waking moment at home, staring at myself naked in a mirror.

Then again, I kinda do that anyways. Backlit. I am breathtaking.

Source (Egotastic!)...

Carpet Cleaning

2008-07-06T15:46:00.002-04:00

Ali Larter, who I know best from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back", and everyone else knows best from Heroes and/or that Texas football movie that wasn't "Friday Night Lights", recently appeared on the cover of Allure magazine... and wow. Wow.

Can I just ask one question? When are we just going to admit that women's magazines don't promote negative body images... but something closer to lesbian rage? Seriously, look at this picture. I can totally understand this popping up in Maxim or FHM... but Allure magazine?! Sure, I'll take it... but don't let your girlfriend read this magazine anymore.

Wait, as a matter of fact... go buy this magazine for your girlfriend. Get her a subscription. Or, if you want to be more subtle... try Hustler.

A Moment for Sophie Marceau

2008-07-06T14:22:00.008-04:00

Remember that James Bond movie, "The World Is Not Enough"? Me neither. But I do faintly recall Sophie Marceau being in it. And if thats not good enough transitional material for this new photoshoot of her, I don't know what is. In all seriousness though, just look at this woman. Now that is what we call "hauntingly beautiful". As in, you are haunted by these images until you can find a private place and... "perform an exorcism". On your penis. Repeatedly.

Now writing like THAT is what wins you Peabody awards. Count it.

Questionable Haim Logic

2008-07-06T13:19:00.004-04:00

Hmmmm.

Thats really all I've got for this one. Maybe an explanation is in order. Victoria Beckham recently confessed in an interview that one of her early boyfriends refused to have sex with her (keep in mind this is mid-90's, painfully attractive Posh Spice... not the laminated pseudo-celebrity we know today). The twist to this story: said boyfriend was Corey Haim. Thats right, THAT Corey Haim. And Mr. Haim is readily confirming this story, albeit not the "I-refused-to-bang-Posh-Spice" part.

Of course, this also begs the question: how did Corey Haim attract any female after 1989? I mean, besides those who have a fanatical devotion to "The Goonies". Which, I mean, who doesn't? After all, who amongst us didn't have their first sexual dream about Chunk? .... C'mon, guys.... it can't just be me.

I repeat: Hmmmm.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Shattering the American Dream

2008-07-06T12:31:00.003-04:00

Robert Rodriguez and Rose McGowan have reportedly split up, according to the New York Post this week. Which is kind of a problem for both of them considering they were planning to make not one, not two, but three movies together in the near future. Sure, the reason for the breakup pretty much centered around Rodriguez's insistence that McGowan be the star of these three films, much to the collective eye-roll of studio executives.

I've been accused of overt masoginism several times on this site, which I have never denied. However, seeing as how Quentin Tarantino's hispanic counterpart here pulled a Spielberg and left his long-time wife for the lead actress he was working with at the time leaves me very little room to say "poor Robby". Sure, its every young nerd's dream to one day write and direct a sci-fi flick... and then spin that off into a lurid, sexual relationship with its starring actress (see: Paul W.S. Anderson-Milla Jovovich or Len Wiseman-Kate Beckinsale), but you kinda scratched that idea as a viable option when you married someone else first... and then had her pop out five kids for you. Everything that follows is nothing but karma. Plus, you can't hope to emulate Spielberg, unless you too have the Ark of the Covenant as your living room coffee table.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Seduced by the Dork Side

2008-07-06T12:00:00.009-04:00

Big fucking surprise, everybody: Katie Holmes' acting career is pretty much finished. Apparently, Broadway ticket brokers can't give seats away to her new show. Which is pretty hilarious, considering I still believe that Ms. Holmes saw fit to marry the most psychologically unbalanced man in Hollywood for the purpose of reinvigorating her tepid fame. A few years later, and what do we have: countless tabloid rumors, a failed movie, and a turkey-baster baby that owes 23 chromosomes to the right-hand man of Intergalatic Lord Xenu. Irony certainely is delicious isn't it. Its no wonder Katie has transformed from the girl-next-door to something vaguely resembling a supervillaness. Compare below, and tell me that this girl doesn't spend most of her nights these days planning to foment fear, war and death across the world.

By the way, since when did hot women go for closeted midget-homosexuals who are so into science fiction that they base their religion upon it? And why wasn't my congregation at St. Kenobi's Church of the Phallic Object never informed?!

Source (Celebitchy)...

Elves Gone Wild

2008-07-06T11:40:00.004-04:00

Christina Ricci, the sexiest elf that isn't rendered for a Role Playing Game (lest that game be an exotic adventure through my teenage mastubatory fantasies.... which would make me a Lvl. 981 Deviant by this point), recently appeared in a new shoot for Hollywood Life magazine. Yet again, Ms. Ricci reminds us that breast reductions can sometimes be for the best with these pictures. But it should be clearly noted that this rule only applies if the actress in question is willing to bare them in almost every film she is in. I believe this was all covered in the Beautitudes. "Blessed are those who fear the Lord, and show Him their tits."

Side note: God is a big fan of jello shooters.

It Must Be Summer (Kristen Cavallari)

2008-07-06T11:00:00.006-04:00

Ah, the Sunday of July 4th weekend. A time for repose and reflection. A time to celebrate the warm memories (read: haunting nightmares) of joyous Americana (read: supersaturated fats, no-carb beers and pretty explosives from China) with those family and friends you treasure most (read: drunks). Or.. for me, a time to kill several tedious hours at work by blitzkrieging this blog with a series of catchup posts... mostly relating to breasts.... and the confusing organisms that carry them around on their chests. With that in mind, lets take a moment to appreciate some new pics of one of our favorite, underappreciated (and talentless) faux-celebrities: Ms. Kristin Cavallari. Frankly, I don't care if the only talent this girl has is being photographed in a bikini. You might as well call her Henry Kissenger in my book. And no, I'm not taking anything away from the famed diplomat.... I'm taking EVERYTHING away. After all, I've been storing his corpse in my basement for two years, and haven't seen a penny from his family yet for my trouble. Sure, you could argue that graverobbing a famous American ambassador isn't a very good kidnapping ploy. But I could argue that your mom is a pickadilly whore. And between you and me, the corpse of Kissenger and I talk about it every night at tea. Don't even get me started about what Stalin thinks.

George Carlin, 1937-2008

2008-06-24T16:39:00.003-04:00

George Carlin, legendary comedian and unorthodox philosopher, died Sunday of heart failure. He was 71 years old. Carlin wrote and starred in fourteen HBO specials, countless comedy albums, three books, appeared in several films and television shows, and toured constantly for half-a-century. He is remembered by his fellow comedians as a pioneer of stand-up comedy, and was almost universally respected and admired by the entire entertainment industry.

On a personal note, this man was more formative to my thought-process and sense of humor than the entirety of my education and every comedic endeavor I have ever witnessed, all rolled together and squared. The juxtaposition of his unbreaking rants against sociological taboo's (i.e. religion, sex, government) versus his light-hearted musing upon the minutia of everyday life (picking scabs, annoying answering machine messages, traffic jams) never grew tired, and made every other comic look like a poor imitation. From a young age, Carlin taught me that the best understanding of human nature can come from the true understanding of the language we use everyday. For a kid who was almost always made fun of for his above-average vocabulary in the old days, his routines helped make me feel like I wasn't the only sane person in an insane world. And, in the end, there is no greater connection an entertainer could hope for with his audience.

George Carlin was, and still is, the best comedian that has ever been. Not to mention one of the keenest minds to ever live. Its very rare, closer to unprecedented, for me to ever be shaken up by a celebrity's death, but the world has lost someone important this week.

Mr. Carlin, I will miss you.

Mammory Memories

2008-06-21T18:28:00.006-04:00

Just for defecation and titters, here's a few new pics of Jessica Alba from The Love Guru press kit. What follows is probably the last example of Ms. Alba's glorious pre-pregnancy breasts. Sure, her obvious genetic predisposition to hotness will allow her to bounce back pretty quickly... not to mention her bottomless bank account will probably give her an added "boost". Nevertheless, both you and I will know that its not the same... and never will be again. *sigh*. Still, lets focus on the good times: sweat pouring off your forehead as your frantically gratified yourself to a paused still from Idle Hands... that second, leering glance you had to give that bus-mounted poster for Sin City... the steamy nights you spent dumpster-diving outside of her palatial Hollywood mansion for discarded bras.... ah yes, the joys of youth.

Besides, aside from Jessica Alba, is there any reason to even be remotely interested in this movie? I'm guessing this is Mike Meyers primer for this generation's High School kids who missed out on obsessive quotation of the Austin Powers trilogy six or seven years back. Either that, or the result of divine intervention preventing him from trying to desecrate the Wayne's World movies by turning them into a trilogy. No matter the reasoning, I guess its nice to know that somethings in life will never change: Hot girl + Main Character w/funny accent + Vern Troyer - Wit X three-thousand commercial catchphrases = Mike Meyers summer comedy.

Rachel Bilson is Hot

2008-06-20T13:18:00.003-04:00

Rachel Bilson, who I've neglected to mention much here, recently made a red-carpet appearance showing off her new, shorter locks... which I must admit look extremely fucking fetching. This girl used to be on the O.C. or something, playing opposite the "skinny fugly chick".... ol' whats-her-name who was always flashing her nipple but nobody cared..... damn, I'm sure I knew that at one point... Anyways, I'm not sure what Ms. Bilson has been doing to keep herself in beer money for the last couple of years, but she's certainely kept herself together. So lets bask, gentle sunflowers, in the comforting rays of an abnormally hot girl with short hair... because, deep down, we're all hoping she has a penis to match. Wait. What?

Source (HollywoodTuna)

A Moment of Angel Love...

2008-05-26T17:31:00.011-04:00

I've just about wrapped up my Angel boxset collection as of yesterday with the purchase of Season 4, and as such I thought we'd take another moment to appreciate the silver-medal of Joss Whedon's work (gold to Firefly, and only a bronze for Buffy after she took two steps following her balance beam dismount). For those of you who do not know, and are therefore abominations in the eyes of the Lord, Angel was Whedon's second series, spun-off from Buffy after the Slayer's third season. Unlike the teen angst-driven, youth-in-america meets supernatural setting of the aforementioned series, this show took a darker tone from the beginning. First playing itself as a film-noir effort, it eventually evolved into a primetime, supernatural soap opera with an ensemble cast that was arguably better arranged than even the original Scoobies of Buffy's lore. Also, Angel began the current Whedon phenomena of getting his shows cancelled just as they hit their prime, as the series was killed halfway through its fifth, and highest rated, season.

So let's take a moment to remember Angel... in the manner to which Joss Whedon shows are best honored: by a quick admiration of the jaw-dropping caliber of the female leads on his show, somehow matching the series' creative genius with the same quality in good old fashion t-and-or-a. Delicious.

Charisma Carpenter as "Cordelia Chase"

Amy Acker as "Winifred Burkle"

Julie Benz as "Darla"

Stephanie Romanov as "Lilah Morgan"

I... Saw... Iron Man Da Da Dadada, etc

2008-05-15T12:30:00.003-04:00

Alright, I finally got around to making decent use of my day off, and saw "Iron Man" yesterday. For those of you who have never tried it, there's something to be said for catching summer blockbusters at 3pm on a weekday with no one else in the theater. Who needs to be a celebrity, when all you need is an unorthodox work schedule at a dead-end, mind-shattering occupation to get your own private screening.

Ok, I stopped myself before this became an epic rant about how much I hate my job. Moving on, there's not much I can say about "Iron Man' except that its easily one of the better super-blockbusters in recent years. And all of this is owed almost purely to the talent of Robert Downey, Jr. Honestly, I think the vast majority of the public will be seeing Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark for a long, long time. And I don't mean that in any way to belittle Downey, Jr.'s previous work, and it should be pointed out that he has several roles in his past that are easily more challenging and therefore more engrossing... but the simple fact of the matter is Robert Downey, Jr IS Tony Stark.

The film is well-paced and thoroughly enjoyable. Even I, the most jaded of movie-goers, broke out in goosebumps several times throughout. The only issue I could raise with the movie is that Terrence Howard kinda looks like he mailed it in on this one... I get the impression they could've found someone better for the role. That being said, this accounts for 0.01% of the film, and no other real problem with the piece can be found, no matter how hard you look. All told, you should definitely see this movie. I'm not crowining it King of the Summer yet... but it has firmly established itself as the early contender to beat.

FINAL SCORE: 92 out of 100.

Pure, Uncut Genius

2008-05-15T12:21:00.002-04:00

Stephen Colbert's genuis is a subject oft harped upon on this here "inter-net", and there is little I could contribute to this well-documented "eFact" other than to say I have always been in total agreement. But after watching the above clip, I think I might just be ready to sign over my first born child to the Colbert Nation. Seriously, I can think of no other accolade I could offer that would be worth it. Why exactly didn' t they offer Colbert the open Late Night spot instead of the talentless, "breaking-the-fourth-wall-is-my-only-bit" Jimmy Fallon? That's not a joke, thats a serious question.

Oh, and on the side note, my unborn child is a member of the Green Party. A solid Colbert upbringing should set that yet-to-be zygote straight.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm est on Comedy Central

The Ladies of the 2008 Summer Box-Office

2008-05-11T16:38:00.008-04:00

Looking ahead to this Summer at the movies, there's plenty to look forward to. But in keeping with the percentage of boobs I am contractually obligated to keep on this blog (roughly 98%) compared to any other form of news or commentary, I'd thought I'd just throw out a few of the leading ladies appearing in this season's offerings. A lazy excuse, you say? Well, sir, I say that you have offended my honor. This shall be settled in the way of courtly gentlemen.... with a swine fight. That's right, you heard me. On the next morn, we shall meet upon the King's fields and do battle with live pigs. And victory, my friend, will never have smelt so.... bacon-y.

(Right - Cate Blancett from "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

(Gwyneth Paltrow from "Iron Man")

(Maggie Gyllenhaal from "The Dark Knight")

(Christina Ricci from "Speed Racer")

(Anne Hathaway from "Get Smart")

Speed Racer Blows

2008-05-11T16:24:00.003-04:00

Speed Racer opened this weekend to pretty abismal reviews by both fans and critics. Thus far the film is running at 35% over at RottenTomatoes.com, and the most frequent comment seems to be summed up as follows: "Lots of bright, almost obnoxious colors, but no story, acting, or humor to speak of".

So, uh yeah.... if you're looking for an orgy of epilepsy, this movie was carved out of shit just for little old you. Otherwise, all other nerds read the "Wachowski Brothers" credit not in the first two "Matrix"-movies/"V for Vendetta" kind-of way. More like "The Matrix Revolutions" and "Bound" kind-of way. Alas, not all is lost, for I must admit that Christina Ricci is still adorably fuckable. Oooooh. Crass.

Seriously though, I will concede that casting her in an anime movie is pretty smart... considering I'm fairly certain she was drawn into life by a hentai artist.

Source (RottenTomatoes)...

Pictorial C*ckteasing

2008-05-11T15:52:00.004-04:00

Eva Mendes, whose inate sexiness was not enough to save Ghost Rider, recently appeared in the Italian edition of Vogue, in which she poses for several topless pictures... kinda. I say "kinda" because its the artsy-sort of nudity that is only truly arousing to 12-year old boys and very, very sad older men. Not that I'm going to argue with celebrities baring their tats, regardless of the capacity in which they do so. But still, this is the kind of thing that seems more suited to an actress of higher-standing. I mean, we've already seen her rack... and its not like she's really at the top of the A-list, Oscar-nominated thespians out there (see: All About The Benjamins, co-starring Ice-Cube and Mike Epps).

Nevertheless, follow the link and have at look. Its a least worth that much. But let me say, after looking Ms. Mendes up on Wikipedia and seeing how adamant she was about not doing Playboy, this is the definition of pictorial cockteasing.
Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Splicers of the Caribbean

2008-05-11T15:11:00.003-04:00

Variety is reporting that Gore Verbinski, probably best known for the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, has been tapped as the director for the forthcoming adaptation of BioShock. As you should know, and by "should" I mean "are required by law", BioShock was an incredibly successful first-person shooter game that came out early last fall. The game illustrates the story of an underwater eutopia-gone-wrong (oh, those eutopia's... do they ever go right?), reverting to gene splicing and drug addiction, before drifting into an all-out block-by-block war between its crazed citizens and its tyranical dictator, Andrew Ryan. Unlike many other FPS games, BioShock prided itself on an immersive, almost movie-like feel, and shocked critics and fans alike with its well-written storyline.

Hence... this should be good. I think thats what I was trying to say. Or, at the very least, CambodianMonk's inherent love of everything Verbinski-esque, combined with his vast nerdiness, will cause this news to literally rupture his cerebellum. And yes, that is a word.

Source (TunaFlix)...

First Look: Gears of War 2

2008-05-11T14:44:00.004-04:00

An interesting tech demo came out recently for the long-anticipated Gears of War 2. Hosted by the game's principal creator, this demo actually turns out to be a rough, yet mouth-watering, sample of a level from the game's campaign mode. Note the degree by which the scale of fire-fights has been increased, i.e. thousands of Locust soldiers, Brumaks jumping in and out of the fight, and a massive human caravan cutting a swath through the destruction as the improved chainsaw-melee attack is shown off to the delight of fanboys everywhere. November should be interesting indeed.

Sweet Exploding Jesus!

2008-05-06T18:29:00.006-04:00

"Finally" doesn't even begin to cover it. At long last, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's cult-classic britcom, Spaced, is coming to the States on DVD boxset. For those of you who don't know, and obviously require "re-education", Pegg and Wright are best known for their films Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unfortunately, until now anyone who wanted to see their first true successful work had to purchase a bootlegged DVD off of eBay. But on July 22nd, you can get the whole bleeping thing in a proper, Region 1 formatted collection, including commentaries from Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, comedians Patton Oswald and Bill Hader, and Juno-creator Diablo Cody.

Needless to say, this $50 is essentially already spent for me. I have nothing truly witty to add (do I ever? poop and boob jokes count, right? right?), so instead I will just command you to purchase this. I'm not suggesting, I'm instructing. Failure to comply will result in exile.... to the NEGATIVE ZONE! Bum bum bum! And such and so forth.

Just go buy it, alright?

Source (IWatchStuff...)

Whoreshoes and Hand Grenades

2008-05-06T15:41:00.004-04:00

Elisha Cuthbert recently was caught frolicking on a tropical beach with new boyfriend, Dion Phaneuf. And who could blame the Flames for choking in the playoffs if this is what Phaneuf had to look forward to once the season was over. Honestly, I view the Stanley Cup as second only to the Lombardi Trophy in sports significance (and supercedes it in disgusting bodily-fluid count), but even I will admit that the Cup kinda looks like a pile of worm-ridden dog feces when compared to the this particular trophy to the left.

Additionally, we were all nearly privy to a delicious boob-popout during this excursion, only to have the dream snatched away from us by Ms. Cuthbert's irritating self-awareness. Nevertheless, this is probably the hottest I've seen her in quite some time, which leads one to believe that Sean Avery was ACTUALLY soiling her beauty with his goon-ery. In fact, Sean Av---OWWW! What the fu--?! Knock it off, SlapChicken! Is that a fucking cinderblock?! *smash...kersploosh*

Asshole. Excuse me, kids. Someone's a little sensitive about his New York Rangers at the moment, and now I have to collect my brains off the floor. Damn it. I just had these cleaned.

"As if a million voices cried out in pain... and were suddenly silenced..."

2008-05-06T15:18:00.003-04:00

Scarlett Johansson, she of the impossibly perky breasts, is officially off the market, as she announced her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds this week. The two have apparently been dating for some time, and now Reynolds has broken the collective heart of ten thousand fanboys... which if I remember my Necronomicon correctly will result in the summoning of Erishkigal, demon of perpetual virginity. Hence the "enchanted armor"* I am now wearing in preparation for my holy quest to permanently silence this abomination.

But before I do, let me just temper this argument with this fair point offered by my colleague, SlapChicken: how long do you really expect this girl to stay married to Van Wilder... if they actually end up getting married at all? Nothing against Reynolds, he's actually not half bad in a few of his movies, but we're talking about Scarlett Johansson here. I'm pretty sure we could create a charity for men to donate enough cash for Scarlett to flash her boobs on camera, and the resulting sum would be the equivilant of the combined GDP of every nation in South America. So take heart, young paladin, this time of darkness will pass in time.

* = Read "Enchanted Armor" as "Tinfoil Jockstrap, a Bicycle Helmet, and a Catcher's Chest Protector.

Grand Theft Auto IV

2008-05-04T17:11:00.004-04:00

Grand Theft Auto IV was released this week, and has been universally acclaimed by genre critics across the board. Yours truly picked up a copy three days ago, and have yet to spent a single not-at-work moment doing anything else. Simply put, this game is...phenomenal.

What grabs your attention most, and right off the bat, is the attention to detail. As generic as this praise sounds, believe me: the little touches in this game are things you will be noticing for months and months to come. And all of it lends to a greater believability, which draws the player so deep into the experience that literally hours can fly by without one noticing. This game is not a reinvention of the Grand Theft Auto wheel, in fact I'd argue that it has decidingly less fringe gameplay content and complicated stat systems than its predecesor, GTA: San Andreas. But this is by no means a downgrade, as it feels alot more like they trimmed the unneccesary fat from the title, and instead beefed up everything that made the GTA series fun to begin with. I could try to continue doing this review, but honestly, I'm having trouble rounding it out with any form of negative comments I could think of. I'm not sure yet, but this game may be flawless.

Pro's
- Attention to Detail.
- Smooth Gameplay and Controls
- Everything from the previous installments has been improved in some way.
Con's
- Uh... maybe they could've added a Theater Mode... I guess....
- Will Destroy Your Current Relationship.
- You might accidentally starve yourself to death while on a week-long GTA bender.
Verdict : 10 out of 10.

HAARP

2008-05-04T16:53:00.003-04:00

This is a few weeks old, but Muse came out with a new live DVD last month entitled HAARP. This CD-DVD set includes both a video and audio recording of their sold-out show at Wembley Stadium last year. As has been noted on this blog previously, the whole crew from Nerd Geyser (ugh... just typing that phrase makes me shudder) went to the Madison Square Garden show later that same summer, and needless to say it was punch-a-nun-in-the-face Awesome (with the noted capital "A"). If you have the chance, do yourself a favor and go out and grab this. Its like candy... for the ears.

SFW Game: Guess That Body

2008-05-04T16:43:00.005-04:00

Alright, kids. Here's a new game for you, as the torrent of boredom at your job starts to cause your frontal lobe to slide towards its escape through your nostrils. Guess which celebrity body you're looking at here. Click below for the answer:

You weren't cranking it before you clicked the picture were you? If so, I'm pretty sure this is a dude, or at least thats what other blogs have led me to believe. But, to be honest, if thats a dude... then the rainbow-themed sticker on the back of my car might actually stop representing the Radiohead "In Rainbows" album I got it from, and start representing the thing that my friends and family have suspected since I started wearing my Mom's dresses at the end of the block and played "street walker" when I was seven. I don't know what the big deal was all about... Mr. Stephenson across the street thought it was really fun....

Hot Toasters

2008-05-04T15:46:00.004-04:00

Alright, has anyone else here been keeping abreast of Battlestar Galactica as it progresses through its quasi-final season? No? Well, long story short: a bunch of people are Cylons, and not very happy about it; a bunch of Cylons are trying to keep other Cylons from being more like people, and they are also not very happy about it; the President is dying of cancer again, and she is really not very happy about it; and Admiral Adama is just not happy... ever.

There. You're welcome. But for the rest of us nerds who have been keeping abreast (hehehe) of the situation, lets all take a moment to bask in the soon-to-be missing best Sci-Fi television show on T.V.... and easily the best fiction series in the last few years, period. And while we're basking, lets enjoy the high average hotness of the females on this show. But please, as we bask, don't look at me. In fact, I'm going to take this into the other room..... Oh! Oh, Battlestar! You're plotlines are so engrossing! Yes! Yes! Oh God, give me your well-constructed dialogue! Oh yes! Great Special Effects! OOOOOOHHH!

*lights smoke* Mmmmm... that was great, baby. I've got a meeting early tomorrow, but I'll totally be back next Friday night. Don't worry about Grand Theft Auto IV, she mean's nothing to me*.

By the way, Battlestar Galactica airs at 9pm EST on the Sci-Fi Channel.

* - You know I don't mean that, GTAIV... I was just saying it to make Battlestar feel better. Now come here and sit on my lap, my sweet. Daddy's got a whole night planned for us.

Ok, so maybe she has a penis... so what? Right?... Right?

2008-05-04T15:32:00.003-04:00

Well, femdom-enthusiasts, here's something just for you. The only thing is, for you to get it, my female assistant here is going to have to dangle you six feet off the ground and taze your balls for twenty minutes first. Whoa. C'mon, guys... form a line.

So, uh, yeah... Jennifer Love Hewitt took an embarassing picture with her husband. Lets all take a moment to giggle like schoolgirls, and then get back to our normal lives of sacrificing small animals to Vishnu in hopes that she will eventually grant us a naked view of these:

SFW Game: Who's Hiding the S.T.D.?

2008-05-04T15:20:00.004-04:00

Answer: All of the Above
(From Left to Right: All, Genital Warts, Sexual Transmitted Lepracy, and Who-The-Fuck-Is-That Syndrome)

Happiness Costs $2,995

2008-05-04T15:16:00.003-04:00

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

I want. Excuse me, I have a Mother that requires some armed robbery-ing. Don't worry about her, she's a tough kid. Besides, its for the greater good. Namely, my good. Which is, admitedly, quite great.
Source (Geekologie)...

Queen of the Puck Sluts

2008-05-04T14:55:00.004-04:00

I don't really want to talk about hockey these days. Mainly because SlapChicken's beloved, and my...uhh... behated (?), Rangers are still in the playoffs... at least until the end of today. Unfortunately, my poor Islanders have retreated to the usual playoff hockey arena... namely their own basements, where they drown their sorrows in alcohol and highlight reels from the early 1980's.

However, it seems Elisha Cuthbert loves hockey so much, that she has to spread her love (and possibly climedia) around the NHL all year round. First, she soiled herself by screwing Sean Avery, but now she's moved onto the greener pastures of.... Dion Phaneuf? Huh? Um, ok... sure. Anyways, I find this pairing slightly less irritating due to the fact that Phaneuf plays for the Calgary Flames, and not the aforemetioned "behated" (that's right, NOW it is a term) Rangers. Still, though... what exactly is it about these hockey dudes that seems to get these girls all riled up.

What? Oh, she's Canadian? Never mind then. I'm pretty sure their Prime Minister would fuck Phaneuf. Right infront of the thirty-story tall golden statue of Wayne Gretsky they keep outside of their capital building.

Pure Masoginism

2008-05-04T14:46:00.003-04:00

Stumbling around YouTube, I found several dozen videos of girls firing guns... in a comical, and nearly-tragic manner. Now, don't you go believing that my inate distrust of the fairer sex (they have hypnotism orbs attached to their chest, for Christ's sake) is now manifesting itself by me claiming that girls can't shoot. That couldn't be farther from the truth, and the .44 caliber slug still embedded in my left ass cheek is proof enough that at least my ex has a good eye. Still, there's something very heartwarming about watching a ditz accidentally pistol-whip herself when firing a high-powered firearm. And it is this joy that I wish to pass on to you now. Kinda like herpes. Oh, and by the way, by reading this post, you now have that too. Sorry, my bad.

Everyone Loves an Adorable Robot

2008-05-04T14:36:00.003-04:00

.... until they kill us all.

Here's a couple of short, yet entertaining promo clips for Pixar's upcoming movie, "WALL-E". I should point out that I've avoided every Pixar movie since Toy Story 2, mainly due to a long and complicated gripe I have with someone who has nothing to do with Pixar... which is just a nice way of saying that I am barely-sane, and petty. However, my love for antropamorphized machines supercedes my pettiness... and my love for actual human beings to boot. As you can see, I have a few issues. But lets disregard them, and watch cute, robotic antics. That way the issues can retreat back inside their cave, and continue to fester, ultimately resulting in filling my body to the brim with cancer before I reach age 30. Just as God intended.

Damn. I just know that little guy is too cute to survive this movie. Aaaaaand, yet again, I will be forced to pretend that the flood of hysterical tears that will inevitably flow when I see this movie is, in fact, being caused by the near-toxic level of testosterone flowing through my rippling abs... and not the fact that I'm a big wuss. First dates are always fun.

Anna Faris is quite the Piece.

2008-05-04T14:23:00.005-04:00

I've felt that Anna Faris has gone quite underappreciated. Sure, she seems to be the go-to "we-need-a-girl-who-makes-ridiculous-faces-for-our-third-rate-comedy" actress. But that in no way detracts from her strange, yet palpable hotness. Here she is recently on the red carpet, nearly busty enough that to put out an eye, and looking fantastic.

Add to this the fact that she is about to portray a former Playboy bunny in the upcoming "House Bunny", and you've given me all the reasons I need to like her. I'm also pretty sure she's actually a pretty funny person, were she to cast in something besides a 2-dollar romantic comedy or whatever Scary Movie installment they're up to at this point. But should that never happen, we can always utilize the mute button and grind a few levels to any of her flicks. Its called diversification, people.

Source (HollywoodRag)...

So, which Will Smith movie is coming out this July 4th?

2008-05-04T14:05:00.003-04:00

Here's another appetizer for this summer: Will Smith's annual Fourth of July Explosion Spectacular, this year entitled "Hancock". The difference between this year's offering and those of the past is that I'm actually kinda psyched this time around.... which is the first time that's happened since "Independance Day".

Pretty intriguing, yes? Of course, this trailer does leave one to wonder: Do homeless superheroes dookie in the street like normal homeless people... or drop bombs from above? If not, why not? Please answer in 500 words or more. You will have 45 minutes for this portion of the exam. Good luck.

The Pride of the Jersey Shore

2008-05-04T13:43:00.003-04:00

Isn't it funny how Elliot Spitzer's whore (and I can at long last say that without it having a shred of masoginism attached... well, maybe a shred... but a MANLY shred!) seems to be more famous now than the former governor himself? Well, I suppose you should draw the line between fame and infamy, but nevertheless, everywhere you turn around on the internet these days.... there is this girl.

Anyways, currently Ashley Alexandra Dupre is going through an entertaining legal battle with Girls Gone Wild founder, and douche-bag of the century early front-runner, Joe Francis. This started, as you probably know by now, when Francis approached Dupre shortly after the scandal broke, with an offer of $1 million to pose nude for his company. However, a few days later it came to Francis' attention that he already had plenty of footage of the high-class Hunt's Point counterpart from a few years back, and summarily rescinded his offer.

Skip up to the present, where Dupre then proceeded to sue Francis for $10 million for "tricking her" into appearing on the video. Which, of course, makes perfect sense considering that a prosititute would never willingly expose her body for money or favors. But wait, it gets better. A few days after the suit was filed, Francis released a video tape of Dupre explicitly giving consent to Girls Gone Wild employees... AND re-instated his offer for $1 million, so long as little Ashley agrees to promote Girls Gone Wild.

Its like a Shakespearian romance. Their love is one for the ages, illustrated through the language of passion... which is sometimes confused for poorly-edited softcore amateur porn shot in Cancun, Mexico. An honest mistake, one I've made far too often... let's just say that my oral presentation on The Tempest back in High School got me expelled... from the public school system. And as for Ms. Dupre personally, congratulations. You've attained the ultimate station in life for a New Jersey girl: former escort and now F-list celebrity. Way to be. Aren't you owed the key to the city of Newark now or something?

The Dork Knight

2008-05-04T13:30:00.003-04:00

Ok, I admit it. I haven't really cared, nor possessed the energy necessary to follow through should I have cared, to work on this blog recently. And, I will also concede that the few and far between posts I have made were slow-ball at best. But what better way is there to get back into the swing of things, than with a massive explosion of tits and movie trailers! I'm pretty sure thats a direct quote from Kafka.

The Dark Knight theatrical trailer dropped a little while back, and hot damn if it doesn't look delicious. Who would've thunk that Heath Ledger would knock this role out of the park like he appears to have done? Upstaging Jack?! Not an easy task to accomplish. Seeing how I tend to think that The Joker is the best supervillian in comic book history, Ledger seems to have captured everything that is quentisential to Batman's archnemesis: Insanity, Make-up, Knives, Insanity, Willingness to duel Batman on foot vs. vehicle on Gotham City's largest street. Seriously, who would've thought they'd call back to the finale of the first Batman... and then improve upon it!

Alright, my hands are starting to shake, so I'll wrap this one up. Needless to say, they should just throw Oscars at Ledger's corpse for this one. And, surprisingly, I don't mean that in any sort of disrespectful way.

Spaceships with Boobs

2008-04-08T15:35:00.003-04:00

Blake Lively, apparently best known for "Gossip Girl", recently joked to reporters that she was "having Brad Pitt's baby"... to which everyone had a good laugh... and then proceeded to jump on their cell phones and frantically contact their fact checkers anyway. Alas, it was actually a joke, and not a very good one at that. And come to think of it, why am I fucking writing about this?! This isn't news even by my standards, and my standards are pretty much just based upon whether or not someone, somehow involved has possession of an attractive female body. Or, possibly, has something to do with spaceships.

Or spaceships with boobs. Thats like the Holy Grail of current events.

Source (JustJared)...

In case you didn't know...

2008-04-08T15:03:00.003-04:00

Avril Lavigne is really, really stupid. I'm just making sure thats clear for all of you who haven't read a blog, any blog, in the last three years. I'd venture a guess that the first sentence above is the most often used blog entry title on the internet (besides, of course, the ubiqitous: "Hot Amateur Nude!"; or the million variations of "Lindsey Lohan is a huge fucking trainwreck").

The latest incident happened recently during a concert in Montreal, where she announced that she was "so happy to be back home... in Ontario, Canada". For those of you who are geographically-challenged, as Ms. Lavigne seems to be, Montreal is located in Quebec... not Ontario. Which is quite embarassing, seeing how Avril happens to be Canadian herself.

So, basically, this is the equivilent of someone living in Albany thinking that they actually live in Vermont, and not New York. Which is, admittedly, quite stupid. That being said, I'm quite certain that Avril Lavigne's life is far too occupied by purchasing Gucci wifebeaters to bother cracking open an atlas. And besides, as much as I love our cleaner, friendlier neighbor to the north... what are they going to do about it? Beat her to death with the Stanley Cup? Wait. That might not be a bad weapon. The sheer volume of disease that was embued onto that particular trophy over its scandalous lifetime would probably be enough to strike one dead upon first touch. So I guess what I'm saying is... I need to obtain the Stanley Cup... for its horrible powers.

And then I'll fuck Avril Lavigne. Oh. How uncouth.
Source (IDLYITW)...

Fake Hair... Real Breasts

2008-04-08T14:00:00.008-04:00

Jessica Simpson has apparently recovered from recieving the "Mark of the Whore", otherwise known as a kidney infection, and is now out pimping her own brand of hair extensions. To be fair, you've got to give it to this girl: she's got horse-hair on her head, she's been routinely violated by Tony Romo's dirty penis (hence the aforemtioned infection), and of course there is always the knowledge that her relationship with her father is vaguely incestous... but she retains the ability to make me overlook all of that simply due to her sheer, distracting hotness.

Take this lesson to heart, ladies. Ms. Simpson hasn't been the born-again, hot-ass virgin we all knew and frantically masturbated to for years now. Since her divorce, she's fucked half of the douche-bag population of the west coast, requiring only that the next prospective dick be attached to somebody relatively famous. But she maintains the charade of her supposed innocence through constant, mindnumbing stupidity. She has LITERALLY become the only woman on the face of the Earth that I could honestly believe "accidentally" fucked someone. "I couldn't believe it! I tripped, and fell onto it! I swear it was an accident! I would've stopped, but I didn't want to be embarassed!"

I'm not quite sure where I was going with this. I think it had something to do with horse-hair. So without further ado, here's a hot pair of breasts floating beneath some horse-hair.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

...P.S.: Horse-hair?! Hell, I'd sure ride her! Ahahahaha....haahaha.....ha.....ha--*sobbing* I hate myself.

These Neighbors Suck

2008-03-29T11:09:00.004-04:00

Christina Aguilera has apparently been dealing with complaints from her neighbors regarding she and her husband's late night skinny dipping. For those who didn't know, Aguilera purchased the mansion formerly used to shoot and house the Osbournes. Now she is employing it to have post-pregnancy, midnight sex romps... much to the confusing ire of her neighbors. Yes, those same neighbors that feuded with Osbournes on television.

Alright, I can kinda buy that its extremely annoying living next to the Osbourne family. The novelty of living next to the guy that sang "Crazy Train" can only last so long when you have to see his pig-like, drug-addled, useless socialite children every fucking day when you go to get the paper. But you're actually going to complain about getting a free popstar sex-show every night? Seriously? Even if you don't find this girl attractive (which is the first sign of senility... your doctor wanted me to tell you), surely the shameless profiterring to be made would be enough to curb your complaints. But no. Apparently, these people are the worst... neighbors... ever. Like the kind that finds your cat wandering in their backyard... and then kill it instead of calling you. Good people, you know. And yes, I did just liken killing kittens to rebuffing a shot to spy on a naked Christina Aguilera. Thats an analogy of S.A.T.-worthiness.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Hilary Duff... Interesting.

2008-03-22T12:54:00.002-04:00

Hilary Duff, who was once an orange rectangle before transforming into Kylie Minogue, is apparently trying her hand at non-Disney funded movie with her upcoming effort: War, Inc., wherein she plays a sexy Russian pop star. I'm sure there are other details about this movie, most likely relating to the "War" part, but I don't really care. I'm more interested to see how much method acting Ms. Duff opts to go for. After all, it is a scientifically accepted fact that all female Russian pop stars are lesbians... or at the very least, curiously bisexual. I'm pretty sure its written in the Russian constitution at some point. I mean, we could pretty much make them do anything we wanted back in 1990. I hear that the President made the Premier slam-dance for several hours, to the amusement of all in attendance, before he would even lend them five bucks. Also... every October 9th, its Hawaiian Shirt Day for the entire city of Moscow. Any who fail to comply will be shot.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. In either case, here's a picture of Hilary from the aforementioned movie film. I am hope to you enjoy, please. In Soviet Union, Movies Watch YOU! Ha ha ha! Nothing's funnier than mass starvation and cold, wintery death. You Russkies are classic.

Sarah Jessica Parker is pissed.

2008-03-22T12:23:00.006-04:00

Sarah Jessica Parker has been named the Unsexiest Woman in the World by Maxim magazine. And ol' Cthulu herself is none too pleased about it:

"Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. It upset him (Broderick), because it has to do with his judgement too. It's condemnation, it's insane. What can I do? I guess you can't please all people."

Firstly: Sarah Jessica Parker is not the ugliest woman in the world. She is the ugliest woman in the world... to people with penises. I've gotten into plenty of arguments with women over this one... since they must defend Carrie Bradshaw like the Knights Templar defend the Holy Grail. They contend how well she "wears her features" and "what a great body she has, regardless". Well, when you add "regardless" to a compliment about someone's body, then that should already tell you what condition the upper 10% of it is in. And how does one "wear her features" well? She wears makeup and dresses that hope to draw the eye towards the cleavage and away from her Gorgon-like visage? Listen, women: if you guys think Ms. Parker is so irresistable, why don't you guys fuck her? Because, honestly, we don't want to.

Oh God, its fucking looking at me! Back! Back, I say! *grabs fiery torch*

Source (IDLYITW)...

Klepto-breasts

2008-03-22T11:21:00.004-04:00

Winona Ryder is at it again. Ha ha ha. What an original opening line... oh, I'm so clever. Anyway, Ms. Ryder was recently stopped at a Hollywood pharmacy after setting off the alarm the other day. Apparently, Winona had a few small items in her bag that she hadn't paid for. Uh-oh.

Honestly, I don't even really care. For one thing, this story was fresh around the other end of this decade (side note: isn't that kind-of depressing?). Second, it sounds like the items in question totaled roughly three dollars. I'm fairly certain Winona could've paid this off with the spare change in her purse. Nevertheless, I'm putting this up here purely because Winona Ryder has some surprisingly fantastic breasts. I don't care if they might be klepto-breasts, although I must admit that sounds like a pretty nasty disease. I just encourage scandilous gossip in the hope that it will drive career's so far into the gutter that a nude photospread/graphic sex scene is the only way an actress can revive themselves from C-list purgatory.

Wait, no! I've given away my Master Plan! Ruined! Sixteen years of meticulous planning! NOOOO! Damn you, Winona Ryder! Damn your harlot tits! I guess I actually have to go back to vocational school now... *sigh*. My parents aren't gonna let me hear the end of this one. You'd think they'd encourage their son to follow his dreams, but noooOOOOooooo. Sure, those dreams included wiping out their bank accounts and relocating to Eranakis, El Salvador to pursue my lifelong aspiration to promote the nudity of famous people. But children are a responsibility, Mom and Dad, and like a young sapling... you must provide water to allow me to grow. If you really think about it... it was YOU guys who let me down by grounding me for two weeks when I sold my sister's kidney on eBay. So... I think that means that instead of punishment, you owe me a present. I could use a HoverRound. If you can't afford it, I'll just take Grandma's and call it even. I'm glad we had this talk.

Source (IDLYITW)...

Sushi = Vagina

2008-03-22T10:13:00.002-04:00

Kate Beckinsale recently appeared in Mean magazine and gave the scientifically-awesomest interview a jaw-droppingly attractive celebrity can give. Within, she describes wanting to drop babies out of high-rise windows... and ultimately admits she'd rather taste vagina than sushi. The reasoning: "...because at least vagina is warm." Without fail, this popped up on every blog on the internet within four minutes of publication, and garnered the predictable response ranging from the Lord Byron-esque "Duuuude... do you know what? I'd like to watch her eat pussy!"... to the awkwardly feminine "How can she dislike sushi if she hasn't tasted it?"

Hence, I will not go on a huge, tasteless rant about how rigidly erect this article makes me. Nor will I address the blatantly obvious point about the people from the Anti-Asian Cuisine Defamation League. Instead, I will just say this:

Kate Beckinsale is flawless.

Seriously. The only way she could've topped this one for me was if she happened to say she'd rather eat Natalie Portman's vagina. While I watch.... Star Wars movies whilst they lez out in the next room. Hey! Keep it down in there! Its the Snow Battle scene! Jesus... hot, ridiculous lesbian sex* is alot louder than you'd think.

Ok, I kinda drifted off on this one. But, seriously, Kate Beckinsale just mildly alluded to licking snatch... albeit in joke form. BUT SHE STILL SAID IT, GOD DAMN YOUR EYES! Don't you dare take this away from me.

* - Ridiculous Lesbian Sex = Picture two perfect women making out. Now, in your mind's eye, turn them into clowns. NOW, never be able to attain an erection for the rest of your days. Your welcome.

Source (TheBlemish)...

Seperated at birth?

2008-03-20T19:08:00.004-04:00

Honestly, I've got nothing that will top that. Except this:

For liability reasons, the above picture must be clicked upon to be view. This picture contains no pornographic, violent and/or offensive imagery. It will, regardless, drive you completely insane. Look what happened to me.

...so, in summation: E.T. is a butterface.

The Incredible Hulk - Take 2

2008-03-15T14:55:00.011-04:00

The trailer for the new, reimagined Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton, came out recently. Admitedly, it looks halfway decent, continuing the bewildering trend of surprisingly hype-worthy superhero movies being released this summer; a trend started by Iron Man. But I, being the colossal nerd that I am, am actually more interested in the villian in this movie than I am the hero... mainly because they made Abomination bare a striking resembelance to a mildly-more human (and I stress "mildly") version of the Berserker from Gears of War. Like copyright infringement-style resembelance.

Still, its already better than Ang Lee's effort a couple of years back. Then again, the orange-brown pile of cat puke my serfs* left infront of my bedroom door to greet me with the pleasant sensation of cold, slightly-viscous animal bile between my toes first thing in the morning was a better adaptation of the Incredible Hulk as well, so I don't know how much you wanna read into this. Maybe its better if you just read the comic book and took out the trash for your mother. Honestly, how hard is that to do? She's been asking you to do it all day.

* - Yes. I treat my cats as medieval serfs. After all, I feed them and shelter them. Why shouldn't I keep half of their annual crops?

Unaltered pics of Abomination and the Hulk... w/trailer...

I'm liking this girl...

2008-03-15T14:14:00.004-04:00

Anne Hathaway's got the right idea. From now on, all Disney-bred teen starlots are to follow this example. I know I've ranted about Ms. Hathaway on here before, plenty of times as a matter of fact. But I was just casually rifling through IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay.com, and began noticing that not a single article about her lacked an interesting title. Lets run down the list, which is available at the bottom of the page as well:

A) She is probably bisexual.

B) She drinks Absinthe, a powerful alcoholic drink known to cause hallucinations.

C) She has appeared nude in two movies already, and nearly naked in two more.

D) Her charitable contributions to Nicaragua and Honduras are suspect.

E) She is a steaming, hot piece of ass.

A + B + C + D + E = Erection for me. Permanently. Like seriously. Can somebody help me with this over here? Everytime I turn around, I accidentally knock my coffee off my desk. Anyways, let this be a lesson to the rest of you. You can still be percieved as smart and beautiful AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD be a harlot of the film industry. Best of all, you can do all of this before you're 25th birthday. Now get to it. I'm not paying you to sit around, all clothed and sober. In fact, I'm not paying you at all. Count it (i.e. the royality I must now pay the writers and producers of Family Guy).

Anne Hathaway digs chicks...

...and absinthe...

...and nudity (yeah, I know I've done this one before.. shut up)...

...and fucking over charities...

...All Source (IDLYITW)...

What does Missy Peregrym have to do with the Giants?!

2008-03-15T13:23:00.007-04:00

Just a brief New York Football Giants smile for you today. I was browsing through some blogs this morning, when I stumbled upon a site with a fine taste in the ladies. Enclosed are a few pictures of the sinfully attractive Missy Peregrym snatched from this blog. But while I was browsing through, I noticed that this was essentially a hardcore Boston sports fan site, merely peppered with breasts every two of three posts. Therefore, I decided to leaf through a few pages of the archives section, and see just how classy these "diehard" Patriots fans had been in the days leading up to Super Bowl XLII, and how they handled it afterwards.

What follows is a case study in karma. Much like most of the Patriots fans online, this lead-up and let-down follows a fairly predictable pattern. For the ENTIRE regular season, contributors ran the table between statistical breakdowns of New England's supposedly never-duplicated offensive genuis... all the way down to the rambling rant about their ultimate supremacy which reads more like the Bible than it does a reasoned argument (i.e. to believe a word of it, you have to have "blind faith"... and a healthy dislike for logic). Once the postseason comes along, it pretty much just devolves into an obnoxious verbal trashing of every upcoming team, laced with statements of complete fucking surity that not only with the Pats beat their opponent, but will blow them out in record setting postseason victories (it should be noted that every fan purposefully ignores the Patriots defensive drop-off in the last quarter of the season). Finally, comes all of the sure-thing Giants defeat posts, the insulting and name calling, and ridiculous claims about the G-Men being the worst team to ever make it to a Super Bowl.. then playing against the best to ever do it.

And then, finally, after the game we have the same result as around the rest of the net: one, half-hearted, very bitter and ill-thought out argument about how the Giants either lucked or cheated their way to victory... followed by the obligatory "Yankees Suck" comment and the inauguration of this year's baseball and basketball trash talk. So, in honor of all the pitiful children over there in Pats nation, here's a free plug for one of your favorite sites. Too bad you can't change the score back from Feb. 3, no matter how many times you reference the Red Sox world championship. Nice taste in chicks though. Thats about the only nice thing I can say.

Source (BarstoolSports.com)...

Return of the Sextogenarian Pimp

2008-03-15T10:29:00.003-04:00

Heather Mills has reportedly been awarded more than $50 million in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney. The former couple seperated in May, 2006 and almost 4 years of marriage, and have had a very ugly public relationship afterwards. Since then, Mills has become the self-described "most hated woman in Britain". The two have a four-year old daughter together, named Beatrice.

Well, Ms. Mills finally got her paycheck. After two years of classless behavior regarding her own divorce, including a hilarious stint on Dancing With The Stars, Mills is walking away with nearly 3% of Paul McCartney's financial empire. Three. Entire. Percent. I'm sure Paul is home crying to his countless acolades, awards and still Scrooge McDuck-like bank account. Meanwhile, Heather Mills has left an entire country wishing her leg had lost the rest of her body, and not the other way around. So was it worth it? Well, god knows I'd felate a wild boar for $50 million. Hell, I might even have sex with Heather Mills. But then again, I'm a whore. So, I guess if Ms. Mills can fess up to being a whore... than maybe the public will find it in their hearts to forgive her. If not, she can use her new money to build herself a Darth Vader-esque suit and show the same grace and compassion of an amputee that Anakin Skywalker showed so many years ago (i.e. genocide on a galactic scale)

In the meantime, somebody get poor old Paul a new woman. Remember people, we've got to comp this guy on drinks and women for life... he did co-write most of The White Album, after all. Hence, I've thrown an available "bird" up there for your consideration. I'm not actually sure whether or not Rachel Stevens is married or not... but if she is it doesn't really matter, does it? This is the "cute Beatle" after all. Not to be confused with my pet beetle, Gargamel, who is "passable" at best.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Rule Number 165: Never Let A Fellow Crasher Steal Cambodian Monks Girl

2008-03-12T17:00:00.008-04:00

Well it seems that Owen Wilson is still able to troll Hollywood and find another "Hottie" to start to date. Accordings to Star, Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston are apparently an "item". They are currently filming Marley & Me, and have been seen flirting and cuddling off camera according to a cre member. "In between takes they were holding on to each other", one crew member said. "They are very friendly", another crew member told Star.

Now, I am sure that there is something that attracts Jennifer to Owen. Maybe it's the "I tried to kill myself" schtick that I am suuure Owen is still pimping. Oh, stop that, I went there and I'm not taking it back. But on a lighter note, why does he insist on not getting his nose fixed? It looks like Edvard Munch drew his nose on with finger paint. Look at it, it's like the crooked birch tree I have in my backyard. Another thing, what happened to my "pseudo in my dream girlfriend"? I saw her the other night, we had a lovely lunch* together and she was stunning. But it seems that Owen has made her age a little since that night. Don't get me wrong, she is still my number one, but I am not sure that her 40's are going to be a good time for her. I do like her hair in this picture, but she is aging progressively fast. Someone quickly tell her to go back to Never Never Land. Peter Pan should have never let Rufio take her to the "real world" and then leave her there. If anything, he should have dropped her off at the "Dago Ranch"** so that she may be loved and cared for. I would never let her walk on the beach barefoot, those jellyfish are crafty. I hear they can walk on sand now....that was weak I know, but what do you want from me?

Source

*I set up tea cups and a small table with my GI Joe action figures. I taped a picture of Jennifer on all of involved, Duke, Snow Job and Snake Eyes. And I spoke to her as if she was in the room. She never answered my marriage proposal.
**My bedroom....it consists of a mechanical bull and hard wood flooring, for square dancing purposes. There are cowboy hats on the wall along with my underwear hanging over the bar. By bar I mean my closet with the doors open. It's really cool. The whole kit can be purchased for $19.92 from TurnYourRoomIntoADagoRanch.com.

-Cambodian Monk-

Poor Little Rich Girl

2008-03-12T16:56:00.003-04:00

Kim Kardashian recently told a reporter that she has been cheated on by every guy she's ever dated, save the first one. I'd go on to quote from the article, but you know what, lets skip Kardashian's probably-Shakespearian quality tale of love and loss, and jump right into the meat of the matter. The meat, of course being, Kim Kardashian's huge ass. DAAAAAAAAMN, etc. etc.

Seriously though, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Kim Kardashian's definition of "boyfriend" goes something like this: "a hottie that I totally went down in the V.I.P. room at_______ (fill in posh club name here)." Also, and this is a message to all women, its hard to take you seriously when you say you've had your heart broken... and two nights later your fucking some other dude. Still, condolences to Kim. We can only pray that your millions of unearned dollars, italian sports cars, and father's obnoxiously large house (bought with the blood money of a thousand guilty men let free) will comfort you.

Personally, when a girl "breaks my heart", I handle it by rubbing one out to Kim Kardashian. Oooh! There's another coping mechanism for you! Stare at yourself in a mirror and masturbate vigorously. Repeat three times a day for six weeks, always with makeup on, and never after eating. At the conclussion of the six week term, collect all videotaped observation of your "treatment" and send it me, care of my penis. Thats about the best advice I can give to you. Oh, and that you have a HUGE ASS. Just thought you should be reminded again.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

I like where this is going...

2008-03-12T15:51:00.004-04:00

Catherine Zeta-Jones is going around stirring up rumors that she will appear nude in her next film. Surprisingly, Zeta-Jones has been complaining about how she is too often portrayed in "motherly" roles, often in family and/or romantic comedies. The 38-year old actress claims she has yet to reach her "sexiest point" yet, and is hoping to cultivate her sexual appeal for future roles.

Yes. Yes, I would like to see you naked, Mrs. Michael Douglas. I will admit that you are nowhere near the top of my list of celebrities I'd like to see naked (#1... Larry Bud Melman), but I think I'm ready to take this relationship to the next step (the previous step being politely ignoring you... the next one being frantically masturbating to you). But more so than the actual nudity, I like the message this fine woman is conveying. She should do some motivational speaking to the younger generation of actresses, detailing how Oscar-winning actresses are not only fine with doing nudity on screen... but also crave it. Like a lioness craves sweet, sweet leopard meat. Ok, sure, lions don't eat leopards usually. But in the playground that is my mind, they do it all the time, baby. Wearing jet packs, and wielding broadswords, I might add. Seriously, it IS pretty awesome.

Anyways, good for you, Catherine *spoken with flawless, British diction*. Way to be a cougar. (hmmm.. a cougar... fighting a lion... fighting a leopard... on a PIRATE SHIP! QUICK! Someone call Hollywood! Tell them Admiral Creativity has got another one!)

Source (IDLYITW)...

Douchebag Moment of The Day

2008-03-12T15:24:00.006-04:00

Joe Francis, complete douchebag and creator of the Girls Gone Wild DVD collection, was sentenced to time served accorging to TMZ. He will also be on six months "non reporting" probation, whatever that means. Girls Gone Wild will also not be allowed to film in Bay County for 3 years. Joe will receive his not so new Ferrari and $60, 000 cash that was confiscated during the arrest.

Now, I normally wouldn't really care about this in any way because I do believe that this guy is the biggest douchebag on the planet. But, I am looking forward to seeing the Girls Gone Wild commercials again while watching late night infomercials. I love those things. The best one is the "Set it and forget it" infomercial. Seriously, that rotisserie is so cool, I bought one but have never used it. Wait, I'm lying....I used it once with two small chickens. I "set it and forgot about it", the chickens were burnt beyond recogniton. But I still love to stare at it in my closet. It is next to the Salton sandwich maker that was used once to make a grilled cheese sandwich. It has not been used since because it is actually easier to make it in a frying pan. That thing is a bitch to clean up.

But seriously, what has this guy contributed to societyother then shit I can see on the internet? Plus, I do this everyday when I go to the local coffee shop. Granted I don't take pictures or video of them and give them free t-shirts. Wait, I should totally do that. Hand out t-shirts with my face on them to girls that go to the local coffee shop. The catch-they must buy me a cup of coffee and pour it down their bodies into my mouth. Yeah, I'm going to go and do that now. I love my life. *sigh of disgust*

Read more at TheSuperficial

-Cambodian Monk-

Yo, man. I'm getting the shakes. I need to taste the rainbow!

2008-03-12T14:36:00.003-04:00

An eighth-grade Honors student in New Haven, CT has been suspended from school, stripped of his class Vice President title and barred from attending the Honors program dinner for purchasing Skittles from another classmate on school grounds. This was a violation of Connecticut's school wellness policy dating back to 2003.

Well, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Connecticut is a brutal, fascist, third-world country dressed up like a WASP-y, tasteless, cultural black hole of a state. This is literally the place where fun goes to die. "Sure, I can afford a thirty-two acre farm in upstate New York... but, you know, I've always wanted a half-acre right next to a hundred-thousand other assholes without personality... that way we can complain about the 'minorities' and the estate tax at our ritalin-devouring children's soccer games!" These are the same people that try to convince you of their rich culture by forcing you to go to a Boy Scout revolutionary-era presentation on how to make apple cider, or something similarly irrelevant and boring... at 9am on a Sunday fucking morning. So, in closing, fuck Connecticut and everyone who lives there. Your only purpose is to provide a nearby place to buy Powerball tickets.

And kid, next time just buy drugs from your classmate. It'll give you something to do during the suspension... and all the other kids will think you're cooooool. Plus, there's the added bonus of probably ruining your chances at getting into an Ivy League school, and therefore shattering your soul-dead parents' dreams in the process. Two birds, son. Two birds.

Source (CNN.com)...

Parents are Dumb, too.

2008-03-12T14:06:00.003-04:00

A Texas woman threw her two children off of an overpass this morning in an apparent murder-suicide attempt. However, although the trio fell onto another busy highway, all three survived (perhaps because it was only a 22-foot fall). Still, it should be mentioned that the police said all three in question were struck by several cars before they could shut down the roadway. Its been reported that the woman had an argument with her husband at a nearby gas station, and took the two children from the car they'd all been travelling in. From there she walked to the overpass while her unsuspecting husband paid for their gas. The husband drove after her, but arrived only in time to see her go over following the children. All three are in good condition at a local hospital.

I absolutely love ill-planned suicide attempts. Its almost like after they fail you can hear the classic "bwaaa bwaaa" noise. And this one is even better, since now the offending party has to answer not only for her own sanity, but for the lives of her nearly-killed children. Sounds like somebody's going away for awhile. You have to give it to this husband, however. Had it been me, I probably would've come out of the gas station to see them gone and mutter something about my significant other before driving home angry. I would've been into my second hour of Call of Duty 4 before the cops even told me what had happened. My response: "I'll be right down the station, Officer"... and then continue to play for another hour before maybe getting a sandwich... and leaving the state.

Source (CNN.com)...

Turn On The Red Light!

2008-03-12T12:50:00.007-04:00

Elliot Spitzer, Governor of New York, has resigned from his position after yesterday's revelation that he had been a frequent customer of an escort service. Spitzer supposedly spent over $80,000 over the years with the "Emperor's Club", and found himself in a awkward position after cracking down so ruthlessly on prostitution during his days as the state's Attorney General before winning the Governor's chair in 2006. Spitzer, who is married, officially announced his resignation this morning, citing the classic reason of not wanting to sully his office or administration with this scandal.

First off, is the country really naive enough to believe that ANY famous male does not, at least occasionally, employ prostitutes. Listen, of course you can get almost any girl you want with the money and power afforded by fame. However, if I was rich and famous, I'd STILL go to the Bunny Ranch for at least three weeks a year. ONLY the rich and famous, as a matter of fact, should take the whore option. Us poor people are usually deterred from that route merely by the toothlessness of any prostitute that costs less than $10. But if you can afford the $5,000/hour variety, god bless you. For I surely do.

However, if you're a politician, MAAAAAYBE you might want to consider being a little bit more clandestine about it. Same rule goes for drugs. When your only marketable talent is the ability to make people, even a few, believe that you are a good and moral person; perhaps you shouldn't give them too much evidence to the contrary. Its like a comedian who stops trying to be funny. We don't need you anymore, especially if you were responsible for making it tougher for us to pay for aforementioned Hookers at the Point... while you get your balls tickled by three Thai college students in a gold leaf bubble bath.

Yes, I've mentioned the Bunny Ranch twice in two days. But frankly, I think that place is more magical than Disney World. If I ever won the lotto, the first six months afterward would be spent in Nevada, lets just say that.

Amusing side note: the crudely MS Paint-ed photo up there is actually an alteration of this photo (above) featuring none other than Fox News mouthpiece, Sean Hannity.

Source (CNN.com)...

Hair Fetish.

2008-03-12T11:57:00.005-04:00

Leelee Sobieski recently admitted that she collects locks of hair from famous people as a hobby. Sobieski's collection includes Albert Brooks, Tim Allen, Martin Short and Stanley Kubrick.

I know there should be more details fleshing this story out up there in the first paragraph. But, really, is there anything more you need to know. Save, perhaps, for whether or not the aforementioned hair was given up voluntarily or not, I guess. That might be an important detail. Failing that information however, I'm going to go ahead and assume that Leelee Sobieski sneaks up to Beverly Hills on Friday nights for a well-mannered evening of breaking and entering. Honestly, I guess Sobieski is hot, in that maybe-she's-from-the-Balkans-and-therefore-will-sell-her-body-for-6-American-dollars kind-of way. But look at that face... this is not the image you want to wake up to... standing with a blank stare over your bed with a sharp object in her hand.

Or maybe it is. Mmmm. Nothing says loving like a pair of rusty, gardening sheers impaled through your ribcage at the moment of sexual climax. I'm pretty sure this was established during that love scene from Dirty Dancing. "Cause I've... had... the time of my life... *ARGHHH!*". Isn't the way I remember movies so much more entertaining (read: blindingly horrific) than the originals?

Source (TheBlemish)...

Geri Halliwell is the Miracle Worker

2008-03-12T10:39:00.006-04:00

Geri Halliwell, formerly of the Spice Girls (for the second time), has been touched by... THE POWER. When singing for a comatose, 14-year old stroke victim during a recent hospital visit, Geri's "melodious" (read: cockney) voice caused the young girl to stir. The victim reportedly began slightly moving her arms and legs along the Geri's singing, and fully awoke for the first time the following day. The girl in question suffered a stroke after being stabbed thirty times last month.

Nothing says "act of divine intervention" like a washed-up pop singer/former porn model reviving a sickly child. The easy route here would be to tell a joke somehow involving the little girl awakening merely to tell this haggard trolip to shut her bleedin' gob. But British vernacular humor aside, I think I'll go with the fact that a girl who is 14 now would've been 4 when the Spice Girls were popular, hence probably was wondering just who the fuck this wrinkly harlot standing next to her hospital bed when she came to. "Oy! What's all this then? Who is this daft bint?! Fuckin' 'ell, the last thing I know, I'm spilling the red stuff all over the cobbles... and now I've got this bird in my bleedin' ear! How's that for a slice of fried gold?"

See. I did it, anyway. Teehee.
Source (Celebitchy)...

NFL Offseason Update

2008-03-11T14:42:00.013-04:00

A little more free agency and legal news in the NFL this afternoon. God, September can't come fast enough, can it?

- The Arizona Cardinals resigned WR Larry Fitzgerald to a four-year, $40 million contract. Fitzgerald is probably Arizona's greatest offensive weapon at the moment, so resigning him was a must for the franchise. The deal will allow the Cardinals to free up almost $8 million in salary cap room.

- The Tampa Bay Bucs have signed RB Warrick Dunn, bringing the recently floundering runner back to Tampa Bay after a six-year absence. Dunn, one of the most popular players in Bucs history (the third all-time rusher in team history), was traded to the Atlanta Falcons in 2002. Dunn put up solid numbers for the first few years, but watched his numbers go the way of the rest of the Falcons in recent history. Details of the deal have yet to be released.

- The St. Louis Rams have signed QB Trent Green to a three-year, $8.9 million deal. Green played for the Rams in 2000-2001 season before being traded to the Kansas City Chiefs. Green will be fulfilling the backup role behind starter, Marc Bulger, now that he has been medically cleared from his serious concussion last season.

- RB Shawn Alexander's relationship with the Seattle Seahawks has begun to seriously fray after the announced signing of former Cowboy running back, Julius Jones, yesterday. Alexander's agent has commented that the 2005 MVP was upset with Seattle's new arrangement, and would be sitting down with the organization this week to discuss what future, if any, he would have with the team. Alexander has been marred by injury and mediocre-to-poor performance since signing his blockbuster deal with Seattle following his record-breaking 2005-2006 season.

- WR Dwayne Jarrett of the Carolina Panthers was arrested and charged with driving while impaired early this morning. In his rookie year this past season, Jarrett was a non-factor with a season total of six catches for seventy-three yards, with no touchdowns.

- Negotiations between the government and former Patriots video assistant, Matt Walsh, are continuing in regards to immunity in exchange for his testimony concerning New England's supposedly illegal taping procedures. Though a deal appears inevitable, progress has gone slow thus far. Furthermore, Walsh refuses to comment upon the information he possesses until he can be sure he will not face litigious reprecussions from his former employers, the New England Patriots.

Source (ESPN.com)...

Kristin Cavallari is a tease.

2008-03-11T14:10:00.002-04:00

Kristin Cavallari is appearing in a new movie (apparently direct-to-DVD, 'cause I've never heard of it) called Fingerprints, in which she comes as close as humanly possible to being topless... but cock-blocks us all at the last moment. For an actress with no discernable talent, and whose greatest resume booster is the still Laguna Beach, you'd figure she would've employed her only redeemable trait: her tantalizing breasts. But alas, she was fine with going topless enough to not be considered classy... yet not enough to be considered nudity.

I'm calm. I'm not going to rant. I've been way to chauvenistic lately, and I'm gonna do my best to control myself.... *twitch*... I mean, its her decision after all *twitch*.... and its not like---*twitch* FUCK IT! I can't take it anymore. What's wrong with you?! The only reason I've deigned your name important enough to remember is because of the prospect of possibly seeing you naked one day. And now you have the unmitigated gaul to tease me like this!

For those of you who have lost the ability to tell when I'm fake indignant and actually mad, don't worry... I can't tell anymore either.

Source (Egotastic!)...

John Stamos is an Idiot.

2008-03-11T13:33:00.009-04:00

Rebecca Romijn recently appeared in a new ad campaign for Bebe, and god damn if it doesn't make the penis happy. Maybe not crazy, giddy, pop-out-in-public and leading to arrest kind-of happy. More like the I-wish-I-in-a-private-place kind-of happy. Still, thats a respectable body she's got there. I know Rebecca is doing something right now, but it escapes me. She did marry Jerry O'Connell, or got engaged to him, or something like that. So I'm just going to go ahead and assume she is remaking Sliders.

What? Too dated of a reference for you? Well, making such a reference allows me to imagine teaming Rebecca Romijn with Kari Wuhrer. Thats right. I'll go that extra mile to create a lesbian fantasy. What have you done for lesbian fantasies lately? ...I thought so. Remember, people, lesbian fantasies are a gift, not a right... and if we don't do everything we can to ensure they will forever continue, then they may be lost to us forever. And. I. Refuse. To. Let. That. Happen.

Yeah, I know, weak sauce. I'm sorry, I'll try harder to be funny next time, Dad. Wait! Stop pummeling me! Your fists are painful to my face!

Source (TheBlemish)...

Catty Bitches

2008-03-11T12:52:00.006-04:00

Several popular female comedians are appearing in this month's issue of Vanity Fair, sending up the great celebrity walking disasters of their gender. Some notables include Jenna Fischer doing her best Lindsay Lohan, and Sarah Silverman doing a frighteningly accurate Amy Winehouse. Others appearing include Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph and Wanda Sykes. The accompanying article focuses on how female comedy is far different than that of their male counterparts because the "industry" has placed an emphasis on attractive women, and molds the material of said genre to be sexually oriented.

Fair enough. I'll admit most popular female comedians are attractive, or at least marginally so (save Wanda Yikes... ), but if female comedy is completely based around sex, then someone explain to me why Tina Fey doesn't perform her bits while having graphic, almost uncomfortable-to-watch intercourse on stage. You heard me. At the very least, flash some nip. You know, something! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can sense your rolling eyes and heckling jabs already... but what you fail to realize is that I am completely serious. When is someone going to get Sarah Silverman and Tina Fey together, so I can scream "kiss!... c'mon... do it! do it! do it!" at my television screen like a caveman. Fire! Fire! Fire, good! Lesbians, better! etc. etc. etc.

Holy Shit! Third picture... they heard me... Uh-oh, Vanity Fair can read my thoughts.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Nerd Geyser

The Reshaping of Azeroth

Wildly Inappropriate

This should turn out well....

Natalie Portman is in "Thor"...ummm, ok.

WoW: Patch 3.2: "Azjol-Nerub was only a setback...."

Almost Emma, Almost

Priority divided by Weight Gain over Time

Raised from the dead by hot french bitches...

Jailbird

A Rachel Bilson Moment

A Jennifer Esposito Moment

A Jamie Chung Moment

A Selma Blair Moment

A Shania Twain Moment

An Amy Jo Johnson Moment

A Jenna Haze Moment

A Kate Beckinsale Moment

A Yulia Volkova Moment

A Liz Vicious Moment

A Nikki Nova Moment

A Kari Wuher Moment

An Allie Sin Moment

A Lacey Chabert Moment

A Mila Kunis Moment

A Julie Benz Moment

A Zooey Deschanel Moment

An Amanda Bynes Moment

A Jordan Capri Moment

A Layla Kayleigh Moment

A Cheyenne Silver Moment

An Alexis Bledel Moment

A Kathy Ireland Moment

A Jessica Biel Moment

A Lee Hyori Moment

An Anne Hathaway Moment

A Radiohead Moment

Toaster Struddle

Dreamweaver...

Giving Back

Carpet Cleaning

A Moment for Sophie Marceau

Questionable Haim Logic

Shattering the American Dream

Seduced by the Dork Side

Elves Gone Wild

It Must Be Summer (Kristen Cavallari)

George Carlin, 1937-2008

Mammory Memories

Rachel Bilson is Hot

A Moment of Angel Love...

I... Saw... Iron Man *Da Da Dadada, etc*

Pure, Uncut Genius

The Ladies of the 2008 Summer Box-Office

Speed Racer Blows

Pictorial C*ckteasing

Splicers of the Caribbean

First Look: Gears of War 2

Sweet Exploding Jesus!

Whoreshoes and Hand Grenades

"As if a million voices cried out in pain... and were suddenly silenced..."

Grand Theft Auto IV

HAARP

SFW Game: Guess That Body

Hot Toasters

Ok, so maybe she has a penis... so what? Right?... Right?

SFW Game: Who's Hiding the S.T.D.?

Happiness Costs $2,995

Queen of the Puck Sluts

Pure Masoginism

Everyone Loves an Adorable Robot

Anna Faris is quite the Piece.

So, which Will Smith movie is coming out this July 4th?

The Pride of the Jersey Shore

The Dork Knight

Spaceships with Boobs

In case you didn't know...

Fake Hair... Real Breasts

These Neighbors Suck

Hilary Duff... Interesting.

I... Saw... Iron Man Da Da Dadada, etc