#5... Arizona Cardinals
- Since stealing the 1925 NFL Championship, in the most explicit and shamefully obvious display of infantiile-thievery in all of professional football history, the Cardinals have moved from the perennial last-place team of the NFC East in St. Louis, to the easily-forgettable first-round draft pick graveyard of Arizona. "Hooray! We have the best stadium in the NFL!..... But when do we start winning games?" The Cardinals stole their logo from a MLB team, and then proceeded to provide millions of Americans with an easy-win game for their own home team for decades to come. Keep holding your breath for Matt Leinart, Glendale... maybe one day you can watch him lead his team to a Super Bowl... in another city after you trade him for yet another wasted first round pick.
#4... Seattle Seahawks
- The Queens of Lawful Cheating in the NFL. If your team requires a multi-million dollar P.A. system to provide your so-called "12th Man", then you're better off going back to heralding yourself as grunge music's home than pretending to this shit. Let's be honest, Seattle, you are NOT a football town. You are SEATTLE! Drink some fucking coffee and shut the fuck up! You aren't going to win a Super Bowl. So shut up, turn off your P.A. system, and see how loud it is at Quest without it. Who cares, though? You'll still lose in the end.
#3... Philadelphia Eagles - You don't even have fans, Phily. You have a large gathering of filthy-delphians who buy season tickets in order to hate you with every inch of their souls every single fucking year. Its sad when a fanbase celebrates their reputation for throwing snowballs at Santa. Even if the Eagles won the Super Bowl, which won't happen until you drop McNabb at the very least, you'd still throw feces on him during the victory parade. You celebrate being the worst fans in all of professional sports. You deserve everything that happens to your franchise.
#2... Dallas Cowboys
- "America's Team", huh? Well, if you mean the during the mid-90's, fair enough, I believe you. But remind me how many playoff games you've won since Emmitt Smith retired? Sorry? I couldn't quite hear you? Oh yeah, I forgot... Tony Romo is the future of the game, right? Oh...wait... didn't Eli Manning take his team further into the postseason than Romo ever dreamed? I'm sorry, Dallas, but you're city sucks so bad that every Texan I've ever met had told me that, while they are Cowboy fans, Dallas just plain sucks to even visit. Jesus Christ, in New York... our capital is Albany... and NOBODY outside of this state knows that... because the whole state is centered around New York City. But in Texas, its backwards. Their capital, Austin, is apparently bad-ass and well-reviewed by everyone... but Dallas hasn't done anything for Texas besides providing a large airport and a successful 1980's primetime drama... So get your popcorn ready, "Boy"-lovers, and then cry into a New York Football Giants NFC Championship t-shirt whilst you blame one of your own, ditsy, blonde, fantastically-endowed celebrities for all of your misery. And for the record, Jessica Simpson's tits are worth ten Dallas Cowboy franchises.
#1... New England Patriots
- I put the most ghetto version of the Pats logo up here on purpose. I was quite tempted to put up the ol' gay-ass tri-corner hat wearing, three-point stance bearing, tea-party faggot up instead... but ok, fine, I'll respect your 2000's dynasty enough to at least provide a shadow of your hated-legacy up here. But never before have I seen a more one-dimensional team in NFL history. Seriously, if Tom Brady doesn't play for you, you can't win. Its that simple. You lucked out this time with a late-draft pick. Congratulations. I'm still sure the Pittsburgh Steelers would take issue with your idiotic "best team of all time" claim. So ride the rest of Brady's career, confident in your mad-scientist Belichick... and share a beer with Cleveland when you wonder what went wrong after Brady retires... Pats Fan: "But Bill can't lose! He's a genius!" Browns Fan: "One winning season and thats it.... yes... he can lose."
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