Harvey Dent Breastfeeds Child

Jennifer Garner was recently quoted in an interview as having suffered from several minor heatstrokes while filming her new movie, The Kingdom, and attempting to breastfeed her newborn baby between takes, therefore losing valuable electrolytes in the 138 degree Saudi Arabian heat.

....

Furthermore, she was diagnosed with a severely-advanced form of two-face cancer. Doctors report that they believe a few major surgeries to correct the way light bounces off her hard-as-diamonds facial structure may correct the problem. The procedure, known as "de-harshifying", involves the extensive use of a a belt-sander applied to the cheek and chin bones, followed by a healthy amount of skin-grafting. While they have reserved any definite expectations, her doctors believe that, in time, Ben Affleck with be able to stomach looking at his wife in direct sunlight.

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

Somebody's Had Some Plastic Surgery...

Trishelle Cannatella, best known first for being the prototypical good girl-gone-slut on the Las Vegas edition of the Real World, and then for D-List celebrity on a dozen or more reality t.v. and game show based entertainment, will be soon co-starring alongside close friend, Steve-O, in his new series Dr. Steve-O. Which isn't really news, persay, but it gives me a good reason to A) mention what will probably be Steve-O's last foray into television before his inevitable, and hilarious, drug overdose; and B) display pictures of a scantily-clad female throughout. Granted, Trishelle is around #6 ot #7 on the list of hot Real World girls, probably lower, but nevertheless she can lay claim to a few billion of my prospective children left to die in the cold, lonely vacuum of atmosphere whilst drying on my bedsheets. Then again, I'm fairly certain that that claim could be made by almost any television personality who has breasts. Vaginas optional.

....

Seriously though, I will check out this show. If only because Jackass and Wildboyz are both gems in their own right. And because there is no limit to the amount of times I can watch Steve-O vomit on camera.

Full Story (RealityTVWorld)....

The Yankees Win! THEEEEEEEEEEE Yankees Win!

The New York Yankees secured their 13th consecutive playoff spot last night, destroying the Devil Rays 12-4. This marks the 12th playoff appearance since Joe Torre took the helm of the organization. This win also eliminated the defending American League champion Detroit Tigers from the possibility of reaching the postseason this year. The Yankees, who struggled throughout the first 1/3rd of the season with a 21-29 record prior to May 30 have gone 70-38 since. Several key pitching changes mid-season, coupled with Alex Rodriguez's career-season have propelled the Yanks into the spot of "team-to-beat" in the eyes and minds of most every other team in baseball.
.....
What did I tell you, fellow Yankee fans? When will all these assholes that give fanship to the only baseball franchise worthy of watching a bad name realize their folly? The New York Yankees merely have the longest spring training in baseball. Literally, the entirety of spring. Nevertheless, I'm not counting any chickens yet, as when you look at that fantastic fact above you realize that the Yankees attaining a postseason spot is not great shakes. Only World Series Championships matter now. And while I think they have an even better shot this year than in the past several, seeing how this will probably be Torre's last season this may be our last shot for awhile. That is, of course, until Donny Baseball takes over next year and proceeds to win exactly 145 championships in a six year span, all with the power of his impressive mustache.
.....
Ha. Anyone who knows the Yankees knows that Don Mattingly will never win a championship in pinstripes. And so does Donny. He cries into my bosom every night about just such a fact.
....
Full Story (CNN)...

Somewhere, Angels are Singing

Well, Hotel Chevalier, the 13-minute short that is meant to precede The Darjeeling Limited, hit the internet this morning with Natalie Portman's magnificent ass on full display, as well as her nude.... flank? Honestly, what would you describe a girl in profile, conveniently obscuring her breast with her arm, yet displaying the most spectacular profiled-outline of a woman that you ever seen? Alright, I can tell I'm losing some of you already. But watch the clip, and then tell me otherwise. And then I'll inform you, in return, of your latent, and now full-blown, homosexuality. Which is cool, man. Hey, you can't change who you are. But maybe you should stop living a double life, and this Thanksgiving sit your parents down for a nice long chat. And when your father claims he doesn't believe it, saying that you're just confused, you too can show him this video. When he hears your reaction, all of his doubts will be assuaged. From there on out, its easy street. A penis filled easy street.
.....

Furthermore: oh for the day when Ms. Portman will make the jump from extremely sexy, yet cock-teasing nude scenes (see: Closer, Goya's Ghost, etc.) and just start walking around every film naked as the day she was born. And I don't mean just her movies, I mean EVERY movie. "Riggs! I'm too old for this shit!" "Shut the fuck up, Rog, did you see that nude pixie that just walked by?!" *Danny Glover rolls head on swivel, and then blows Mel Gibson's brains out* "I've been waiting five movies to do that..... *muttering to himself* ... play second fiddle to a Evangelical Australian, my black asshole! I killed the Predator for christ's sake...

Click Here to get it free from Rapidshare...

...Or, download it for free over on iTunes....

Adrianne Curry Doesn't Care About Black People

Alright, thats not true. But, for some reason I was thinking about shooting Kayne West into space a couple of minutes ago, so there ya go. Oh, and not because he made the comment back during the Katrina telethon. I can't fault a guy for essentially telling the truth. No, I say we shoot him into space purely because he is a whiny asshole. I don't know, it just suddenly needed to be said. *human-shaped projectile goes hurtling into the Sun... still bitching about not winning any VMA's*

.....

Back to the point (there was a point?), Adrianne Curry recently posted a rant on her MySpace blog. In said rant, were Curry's controversial beliefs about how we, as a society, should eliminate Black History Month and B.E.T. You can shoot through the link for her whole post, but here's the sum of it:

.....

"This is gonna be hard guys. I LOVE the comedians on BET. I also LOVE the fact that they play my favorite show of all time, In Living Color. However, I do not believe in seperating ANY RACE in America. WE ARE AMERICANS! How dare we have Black History Month!...Yes, I get it. Black people were slaves here once. You know what? That does suck some major balls, however, it is time to move the fuck on. Do we hear the Jews crying that they were made slaves for thousands of years? Do we hear them whine that they should OWN the pyramids in Egypt because THEY broke their backs making them? Do we hear them bitch and moan about Hitler, etc? (my hubby is a Jew)Nope, we dont. It's time for us to UNITE AS ONE. I do not think that singling out one race, giving one race opportunities to go to college (I know a TON of poor white.asian, indian, american indian, etc etc that could use that too!), giving one race the EXCUSE to blame things on others for being whatever nationality they are, is a good way at making sure we NEVER kill racism..."

.....

A couple of comments: first, I never thought I'd say this, but I do agree with her in principle. Essentially its the entire anti-Affirmative Action argument. Which is true, and a very valid, and often not-well-publicized point. Although, I'd argue that B.E.T. is, infact, not a segregated network but a cable channel that serves one, very specific demographic. And thats not strictly black people. It is, however, for those interested in a particular musical and stylistic sub-culture that happens to be predominately populated with a majority of black people. That being said, everything else is fairly spot on. But, I wonder if Ms. Curry has thought about just how emotionally mature America is concerning this subject. This is not something that is open to rational discourse in this country. In fact, this is a subject that seems to spawn nothing but knee-jerk, inflammatory, and utterly brainless statements by both sides. Sure, they're are plenty of individuals that can rationally discuss this. But the only opinions that get on television are those of Al Sharpton on one side, and the Klan on the other. And while the Klan is easily more abhorent in its history of violent acts, both them and Sharpton are equally misguided, hate-driven, and generally bereft of any redeeming quality as human beings. Oh, and I refuse to call Al Sharpton a Reverend. And if he bitches about THAT being racist, he can resolve this by addressing me as Rev. Keinada from now on. Reverend of the Church of Stone Cold Steve Austin. "And now a reading from the book of Austin, selection 3:16.... And lo' did Stone Cold come into the Madison Square Garden, and there were sounds like breaking glass for all to hear. Thus was the false prophet Vince McMahon confronted as to his sexual orientation, whilst Holy Stephen did drinketh of the Steveweisers. And at the end of the seventh browbeating, there were Stunners for all. And it was Good. Can I get an Oh Hell Yeah? *crowd* Oh Hell Yeah!.... And thats the bottom line.... *crowd* Cause Stone Cold Said So!"

Source (IDLYITW)...

Useless lest for Tats...

Here's Kristin Cavallari doing the only thing she's good for: wearing a bikini. And thats perfectly fine with me. If you are famous for nothing more than appearing on a poorly-scripted "reality" show about how filthy fucking rich you and your high school classmates are, the best you can hope for in life is looking great in a swimsuit, and parlaying that into a movie role. As Ms. Cavallari has. However, the second I hear even one soundbite in which she claims to want a real acting career, I'll be forced to dispatch my flying reality-check monkeys immediately. Flash forward to a few minutes later, as a crowd gathers on Rodeo Dr. to watch in shocked horror as little Kristin is bitchslapped up and down the street by angry, malnourished, hovering simians. Yes, my pretties. It is fair and true.

Source (TheBlemish)...

Death on Set

A special effects technician on the set of The Dark Knight died yesterday during a chase sequence when his 4 x 4 crashed into a tree.

.....

And somewhere, in some other realm, Brandon Lee is reading this and wondering why it wasn't Christian Bale doing the dying. Not because he thinks its unfair that he, as the star of his particular movie, died filming The Crow and Bale did not. But instead because of all dead beings' intense hatred for Christian Bale. For its a well-know fact that Bale spends almost all of his free time defecating in fresh graves. "Let's leave 'em a rosebud to rest in peace with!"

.....

Yeah, I know. I'm reaching. But you tell me something funny that you could ascribe to a a SFX guy dying on set. Unless said death involved being eaten by a bunch of mechanical, fake heads. But you don't wanna talk about my 7th birthday party anymore than I want to remember it, do you? I thought not.

Source (TheBlemish)....

Halo 3 Review

Well, it has been done. At 8:23 p.m. on Monday night, I drove the two miles south from my house to the local GameStop and sat down on a line of already around 30 people. One hour later, I'd had my receipt "finalized", otherwise known as "stamped", and went back outside to settle in for the long haul. At 12:00 a.m., the line began to move, and at 12:08 a.m. I was driving north again with a copy of Halo 3 sitting in my lap. From that point, until around 6:00 a.m., I plunged through the Campaign. Soon after, I went to sleep, only to wake up later that day, and hit it again, finally watching the supposed death of Master Chief shortly after 7 p.m. Tuesday night. The Halo Trilogy is supposedly complete now, so lets drop the dramatically-written dick-sucking of this franchise and get down to the review:
....
The Good...
First of all, despite the many publicized complaints about the graphics being underwhelming, let me say that game just looks fantastic. I think most people were too ingrained with the Gears of War aesthetic, and hence took the unusually bright colors associated with any Halo game as not-so-realistic by comparison. However, for the style that Halo has already well-established, everything looks crisp and detailed, with more than a few moments that literally take your breath away. And what hammers this previous point home is the frame-rate. I have never in all of my days of time-wasting on shooters seen a game that ran as smooth. There are almost no loading times, provided your 360 is working correctly, and I did not percieve one moment of chugging in all 15+ hours of gameplay. Its very rare that one would notice something like frame-rate unless it was in a bad context, so understand that I don't comment upon it lightly.
Secondly, the game is just plain 'ol fucking fun. The new weapons (the Spiker, and its big brother, the Mauler being my favorites) are sick. The new vehicles (the Hornet and the Chopper come to mind) are some of the most fun you've ever had to date in a F.P.S. And the enemies, now noticably Elite-less, are smart and interesting. For example, 3 Brutes and a dozen Grunts stand before you. Kill only the 3 Brutes leading them, and all remaining Grunts run for the hills, shouting "The Demon! The Demon!". Its little moments like these, peppered throughout every last firefight that expose the strengths of Halo.
Lastly, the newly revamped combat accessories add an entirely new dimension to an already well-rounded game, and a dimension that contributes positively rather than takes away. Two new grenades: a Covenant-variant of the frag, and an Incidenary device that is intensively useful against the Flood; and the addition of the various "deployables" such as Cover, the Bubble Shield, the Flare, the Regenerator and many, many more. All in all, these add yet another dimension to an already powerful series.
.....
The Bad......
However, all in not quite perfect in the land of Master Chief. First and foremost: the story. After the recent avalanche of commercials, it was infuriating at worst, and confusing at best, as to why Bungie choose to advertise a supposed "ending" to the series that never actually happened. I won't spoil the particulars for you, but lets just say that actual Halo 3 ending has nothing, I repeat: NOTHING, to do with the several commercials supposedly detailing such. It only kinda takes place on Earth, as a matter of fact. The entire desperate final battle between humans and Covenant on Earth never happens. And to boot: the Chief recieves the most inconclussive death in video game history. Finish the Fight, my inflammed asshole.
Also, with the exception of the first few, the level design again leaves a little to be desired. Some parts are shining stars, but yet again, there is a plethora of identical rooms which you will pass through twice in each section of the game. Missions goes as such: One mission to enter _____, activate (bomb/reactor/Halo), and then another mission to escape. Repeat five or six times. Game over.
....
The Summary...
All in all, Halo 3 is a fantastic video game. It is far above Halo 2, and might give the original a run for its money. Unlike Halo 2, every addition made to this game is a welcome one, which deepens the replay and strategic strongpoints of the game as a whole. Any disappointment you might feel comes from the feeling that you expected Halo 3 to be great, and it was, infact, merely great. The problem is if you expect something to be great, you can only be pleasantly surprised if it is mindblowingly awesome. So, with this game, you are getting what you paid for, but nothing more. Which is more than adequate. It could even be called quite impressive. But Bungie left just enough room for us nerds to bitch, regardless. And maybe, just maybe, they realized that somewhere in our dark and lonely hearts, THAT is what we really wanted anyway.

Overall Rating: 9.6 out of 10.
- Fantastic new Weapons, Vehicles and Deployable Items. -

- The Forge Map Editor, Co-Op Four Player and the Replay Monitor are all excellent, creatively designed concepts. -

- Impressive Enemy A.I. -

- The Story COULD'VE Been Better. -

- The Chief could've ACTUALLY died.-

Can we trade the Invisible Jet for Invisible Clothes?

Rumors are flying around the net this morning that Jessica Biel, she of the flawless body, is being cast as Wonder Woman for the upcoming JLA adaptation. Of course, every indication has... ummm... indicated that this film will be CGI, however nerds still cannot be swayed from any breath of hope that this all will end with Ms. Biel swinging a golden lasso that makes you tell the truth.
....
Yes. Jessica Biel is hot. And yes, it always fun to see hot women portray comic book characters. But honestly, whats so fucking attractive about Wonder Woman? Sure, the costume allows for minor cleavage. And I suppose that those who are leg-inclined enjoy the generous view of her pins that the costume provides. But I can think of about 73 more revealing comic book costumes I'd rather see this girl in. Frankly, I think the nerds who are still getting all hot and bothered over this are probably those who went through puberty in 1974. Which would make them about 40 now.... and still living in their parents basement. NERDS OF THE WORLD, HEAR ME! The time has come to let natural selection take its course. For no early twenties nerd can associate with a mid-40s nerd without feeling vastly uncomfortable.... and mildly nauseated by the sheer volume of Cheetos crumbs laying upon the shelf that is their man-breasts. Let us rise up, and once and for all let them know that Logan's Run and The Prisoner suck. Its people like these that let Dr. Who back onto American television. Listen, the future from the 1970's perspective is about as likely to occur as my third testicle suddenly no longer glowing so that girls might not shriek in horror* whence I layeth them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a dump in a certain, poorly-acronymed, London phone booth.

Olivia Munn looking good in Wonder Woman attire... but then imagine her, or Jessica, as say.. Starfire for starters.

Source (IWatchStuff)....

* - Horror = Brainless Lust

Slitting Throats with a Moto RAZOR.

Shannyn Sossamon is apparently about to star in a new "Oh My God, Technology is Related to Death!" horror movie. One Missed Call has something to do with recieving a phone call notifying you of your imminent death. Of course, the only person that figures this out and doesn't immediately die is the hottest girl in the film, Ms. Sossamon. Of further course, the only person who believes her is a down-and-out cop, played by Ed Burns. And the only person who cares at all about any of this is my friend, Milt*, who wallpaper-ed his room with Fangoria covers by the 7th grade, and now spends night after night in Tom Savini's bushes, jerking off on a pile of squibs covered in fake blood.

.....

Just curious: is technophobia the only viable plot hook for horror movies now? If its not a cell phone that beckons the reaper, its a computer game. Or the internet itself. Or your digital cable. Or the SeaDoo in your neighbors yard that he never uses, but refuses to let you borrow. In any case, someone should tell these people that the only real fear attached to these devices is chronic virginity. And Pringles-related food poisoning. But, if I may, let me just quote the prophet, Thomas Edward Yorke, with the classic proverb: "I'm not afraid of computers. They're just sitting there. I can still hit them with a 2x4."

....

* Fact: "Milt" is an acronymical anagram for "I Like Terrible Movies". Which, believe me, he does.

Full Story (IWatchStuff)...

Resident Evil Takes the Top Spot

Honestly, I'd rather stare at that image on the right for two hours than watch a motion picture based on the left anyday.

Well, defying good taste yet again, Resident Evil: Extinction, the third (and supposedly final) installment in the series, had a big opening this past weekend and seized the top box office spot with an estimated $24 million in ticket sales. Even besting its previous installment, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, gross, the film has been predictably and deservedly panned by critics and fans of the video game series that spawned them alike. However, director Paul W.S. Anderson has now managed to somehow create a continutity-flawless trilogy, with consistent casting throughout, and married Milla Jovovich to boot.

....

*Sigh* Thats the sound you heard the most in the movie theater I was in a month ago when the trailer for this movie premiered. Well, that and laughter. Regardless, I'm less than surprised that it did moderately well on its opening weekend. A) consider it was competing with nothing in its own supposed Horror/Action/Sci-Fi genre. B) Never underestimate the hardcore nerd, no matter how rare the Resident Evil-breed may be, and his/her (her? hahahaha) unwavering commitment to burning truck loads of cash on sub-par liscensed products. That being said about nerds, let me say this about the Resident Evil series (the films, at least): never before have I seen a movie that managed to capture a healthy amount of the video game's aesthetic and ambiance, along with making an effort for multi-volume characters no matter how redundant they may be, and yet STILL manage to suck both balls to the point where the entire film looks like a chipmunk saving testicles for the winter.

....

Again, I repeat: *Sigh*. The perfect example of a filmmaker doing everything to the fans' specification, and THEREFORE fucking it all up. Hooray for fans' opinions. They bring us great ideas like this, Alien vs. Predator, and soon RoboCop's Last Stand, which will depict Officer Murphy's dramatic struggle against thousands of Sioux indians. Bah-bum-bum-bah-bum. Bum-bum-bah-bum.

Its Time.

This is the day the World ends.
....
Well, geeks of Earth, the day of days has finally come. In just a matter of hours, Master Chief Petty Officer John-117, last of the Spartan II supersoldiers, will embark on his final, desperate campaign in the Great War. And millions of sexually-frustrated youths around the world will embark on their first, infuriating campaign in the Xbox Live Collective Circle-jerk.

.....

The final chapter in the Master Chief Saga.

A completely new set of Multiplayer maps.

Four-player Online Co-operative Campaign.

Customizable Replay System.

"The Forge" Create-A-Multiplayer Map Function.

New Weapons.

Improved Enemies.

New Vehicles.

.....

So, uh, yeah. I... may... be indisposed for most the upcoming week... or month.... or decade.

Review to follow manana.