One state, 3 losers.

Well, well, well. Let me just preface this post with applauding my colleague on his outstanding degradation and overall lambasting of a one Michael Vick. Football is a great sport and it's a shame that there are "people"(I use that term ever so loosely when speaking about this waste of life) out there like Vick who shame and embarrass it.

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Now, on to more pressing sports issues for the moment. Hockey! Ah, yes. The Canadian loved, American ignored, almost hundred year old sport that no one gives a horses boner about. Do not misconstrue these words though. This is a sport that I live and breathe for, come to think of it, it's a big part of the reason I'm a newly single man. For us "New Yawkah's" it's a love hate relationship. Meaning we love to hate our own teams and opposing fans just the same. Last season provided us all with some serious perspective.

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No matter how you cut it; The Sabres will always fail, at least until Buffalo is disbanded later on in the 21st century and re-named Chokesylvania. At which point they will become the greatest dynasty ever seen and win 2 cups in the same season. The Rangers will ALWAYS give you that one shining beam of hope that the impossible will happen, only to sit on your face blocking the beam and ultimately spray farting despair up your nose. The Islanders, well..... See now here's where it gets a bit touchy. The founder of this blog is a rabid fan of semi-fresh, hydrogenated, frozen fish squares and I'm a fan of the Rangers. An organization absolutely oozing class, or is that my withered, empty, hopeless dreams of not waiting another 54 years before something happens?

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The Isles or "Piles" as I so affectionately refer to them are truly in a time of absolute "what the fuck?". Yes, "what the fuck" is a measurement of time when referring to an AHL team in the NHL market. With half of their team declining high monetary offers to depart an work at "Julio's Emporium of landscaping and Churros", they are truly in a deep hole. With Jason Blake, Tom "Fuckin' Nerd!" Poti, Alexi "Cashin" Yashin, Richard Zednik, Ryan "Cap'n Canada" Smyth and Sean "Juice Head" Hill gone they're better off suiting up the first 23, drunk "Lon-guh Islan-Duh's" that show up to the home opener. The names mentioned are just a few, also. I know for a fact I'm forgetting someone, it's sad. Wait, no it's not! Muhahaha. Years of dealing with the "Chicken Dance", "If you're happy and you know it" have made me lose any and all, tiny, tiny, slivers of sympathy I've had for that "Organization". My retort. Things got so bad even Mike Milbury, the man who single handedly destroyed his own team, jumped ship. Within the next 5 years I expect the homeless man who hangs out in front of the Dunkin' Donuts in my town to be their GM and he'll sign Billy Ray Cyrus as the number one center for 37 years and 92 million per season.

Party on, Wang! Party on, Garth!

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On to the Buffalo Sabres. Well... "What can I say about Buffalo that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? It's bombed out and depleted." It's a sad state of affairs in the "City of Disappointment". This is an organization that is always well coached and always puts a competitive team on the ice year in and year out. Alas, they are cursed by the very city they play in and for, ever re-visiting that fateful night. Buffalo hasn't seen a pro-sports championship since the early 30's when the now Atlanta Braves were the Buffalo Braves. How fitting is it though that once out of Buffalo the team finds success and ultimately a World Series Championship. This is actually a city I do sympathize with, I'll even go as far as to agree with my colleague that Dan Marino is not the greatest QB to NEVER win a Super Bowl, but Jim Kelly is. Yet, it looked as if last season the Sabres were going to break this everlasting curse. They tore up the standings and every team they played. They whooped the Isles and moved on to the Rangers. They even took a commanding 2-0 lead in the series only to bring it back to the Garden where the Rangers charged back to tie the series at 2-2. The Rangers then, following tradition lost hold of a game 5 well within their grasp in devastating fashion when Chris Drury tied the game with only 7.7 seconds remaining in regulation. Ultimately disposing of the Rangers in the next two games. The Sabres then went on to play another perennial choker in the Ottawa Senators. Here is where the Sabres demonstrate just how incredibly painful it is to live so close to Canada without actually being Canadian, oh, and being a fan of any team that starts with "Buffalo". The Sabres were manhandled in 5 games and the reality that "This is BUFFALO!!" set in.

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Buffalo Cont: After the realization that absolutely nothing good will ever happen in Buffalo, the team began to crumble. Co-Captains Chris "Captain Clutch" Drury and Daniel "Fruity Frenchman" Briere both accepted offers to play elsewhere. Drury accepted an offer to play downstate and signed with the NYR . Meanwhile Briere just went for an all together downgrade and signed in Philth-a-delphia. Philthy, a team built on being dirty and physical signed the equivalent of a whiny 10 year old who bitches and moans when others play too rough. Congrats, dirtbags, have fun with the little woman who's going to be playing for you for the next 8 years because of a no-trade clause. To top it all off Kevin "Lucifer" Lowe turned around and kicked an already wounded animal in Buffalo by throwing an amount that not even the 2002 New York Rangers would have matched at Thomas Vanek. 7.1 million for a player who is only going into his 3rd year and quite frankly, as good as he is, deserves nowhere near that type of money. He's third in goals amongst the 05-06 rookie class. Behind Alexander Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, but ahead of Petr Prucha rounding out the top four. Now take into account that Prucha at 52 goals in his first two seasons is only making 1.6 mil per season and Vanek, only ahead of Prucha by 12 goals at 64 is making 7.1. That averages in the area of 500k for each extra goal when compared. Now it's a case of "Holy over-payment, Batman!". Defeated, backed into a corner and with fans outside their home arena sporting pitchforks and torches the Sabres were forced to match the offer committing a massive chunk of their 50.3 million dollar cap space. The Sabres have succumbed to the power of nothingness in a place they call Buffalo.

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Guess what, fuckers? I still ain't done.

Stay tuned, the shocking conclusion is coming soon and I'll come to the realization that hockey is the one true ruiner of all things.

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Signed -SlapChicken - (He's back, bitches)

The Falcons are your next Superbowl Champions!

Atlanta Falcons "star" Quarterback, Michael "I wish I was Vince Young, instead" Vick has been indicted on charges regarding his involvement with an illegal dog-fighting ring in Virginia. If found guilty, Vick could face six years in prison and, of course, the obligatory meaningless fine.

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By the time you get halfway through this article, you start wishing he was Joe Theismann, only instead of getting hit by Lawrence Taylor, he was hit by a Peterbuilt truck (which is actually probably a step down now that I think of it). Some highlights include:

.."...Vick and his co-defendants are accused of training pit bulls and organizing prize fights in which dogs that weren't up to snuff were executed, sometimes by hanging or electrocution."

..and...

.."Various other methods were used to kill dogs that fought or tested poorly, including hanging, drowning, shooting, and in at least one case, slamming the dog to the ground, the indictment says."

..and...

.."...the Falcons phenom and his cohorts engaged in other disturbing practices and that a raid on a home in Virginia uncovered items like "breaking sticks" -- used for prying fighting dogs' jaws apart -- and a "rape stand" used to tie down aggressive female dogs for breeding."

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And since the majority of the evidence in this case was found on Vick's own property, looks like Mikey is going away. For a very long time. But probably not as long as he should. Anyone who knows me, knows that I get about 100x more enraged in regards to cruelty to dogs than I do in regards to cruelty to humans. I could rant about this guy for abou six more pages, but I'll simply say one thing. Look at the picture of the baby pitbull above, and then imagine a multi-millionaire with no redeeming quality except that he was SUPPOSED to be the next generation of running quarterback seems to think its perfectly ok to torture and murder that animal. The punishment for this, logically, should be to reciprocate the same "tough love" he was so ready to give to these animals, however that somehow seems a little light. Frankly, I'd like to see him slowly starved in public, and fed a single piece of bread infested with flesh-eating viruses around every two days. And all the while, people can remind him that, regardless of his "less-than-frog-shit" quality as a human being, he is one of the bigger disappointments in quarterback history. He can't pass, and apparently since college he can barely run either. And no matter of deluded blind faith from brainless Falcons fans will ever change that fact.

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Futhermore, the Atlanta Falcons should be punished as well for making America think that this degenerate was anything more than a pretty fair argument for enforced abortions. Their punishment, you ask? Enjoy. We'll trade him for some semi-used Kotex.

Full Story

Michael Bay shoots impromptu movie ending in Sao Paulo

A Brazillian airline crashed today, killing around 200 people in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Eyewitnesses says the plane ran out of runway during landing, and actually attempted to lift-off again at the last moment. Thereafter, the plane came back down on an adjacent freeway, skidded through multiple lanes of traffic and crashed into a building. Some have attributed the crash to weather-related issues, while others have pointed to the airports recent controversial early re-opening of their freshly re-surfaced runways.

Ok. I'm trying. Really, really trying to be as respectful in the face of a very recent and admittedly tragic disaster. That being said, I will merely say the following: No matter how horrible a joke I could've made, the more insulting joke will inevitably be when a video of this pops up on Real-TV in three years with some wacky, untalented host providing a Bob Saget-esque commetary track.

Electric Mayhem

<--If you get that joke, then we should really start hanging out. If not....will you still hang out with me?....So lonely, so desperately lonely....

Anyways, the Defense Department has announced that it will be holding an open contest to design a lightweight and efficient mobile power source for the average infantry soldier. This move, which is actually fairly clever compared to the usual miltary industrial complex faire, is made in the hope of attracting civillian contracters and entrepeneurs to the table. For their efforts, the government is currently offering a 1 million dollar prize for the winning design. Unfortunately my Battery Bandoliers design was already rejected. But hey, if they don't have the foresight to endorse my genius, then screw em. Criss-crossing belts of 123 AA's a piece.....and another belt of 400 more D-cells around the waste........and two more ankle-bracelets with four car batteries attached.....and a gun that shoots AAA's.........it all sounds pretty good to me. Wimps. Watch, in three years all of our troops will be wearing small, white battery packs with Macintosh logo's on them, will hold up to 120 hours of music, and will need to serviced every 14.2 seconds. Full Story

Oh, and its The Autopsy from off the top rope!

"....I don't know if Vince McMahon is getting back up from that one, J.R."

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Police in Atlanta, GA have released the toxicology reports from the bodies of wrestler Chris Benoit, along with those of his wife, Nancy, and 7-year old son. Reports indicate that Benoit's body contained high-levels of Xanex and hydrocondone.

Similarly, "....the body of Nancy Benoit also contained therapeutic levels of hydrocodone and Xanax, along with hydromorphone, which he said is a byproduct of the breakdown of hydrocodone."

Also, their son showed an extremely high reading of Xanex in his bloodstream, which has led investigators to believe that he may have been sedated before his death.

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Two things:

1) I don't think CNN has any idea what hydrocodone is. Or they know, but aren't quite familiar with its effects. Everyone keeps talking about it likes its just another painkiller. I suppose thats true, if you consider "painkilling" to be best accomplished by passing out, face-down, in a half-emptied pool during a college frat party.

2) You have to admire the heart of true professional entertainer. Even during the act, Benoit had enough presence of mind to make sure that the murders would be disturbing enough to have reporters drooling at the mouth, scrounging for new and even more unsettling details even weeks later. I'm sure he's still recieving royality checks from McMahon in hell. Come to think of it, doesn't Vince have a summer house down there?

Full Story as per CNN.com

"Cocaine is a hell of a drug."

Yeah, I know, I kinda took the easy joke for the headline, but its early, and I'm tired, so shut up. Sometimes I just don't know why I married you to begin with.

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Comedian Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for exhaustion this past weekend. According to his publicist, Chappelle is "fine", and attributed the cause as "he's been travelling".

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Okay. This has to be around the 1,476th time I've heard of a celebrity being hospitalized for "exhaustion". Or as most people tend to call it: "a drug problem". I mean, seriously, who has ever actually believed this excuse (with the exception of my neighbor old "Patrick O'Gullable"*)? Was this "travelling" they always speak of as the cause actually across the Sahara desert?.....On foot? What other manner of activity could require someone to lay in bed under constant medical supervision with fluids being fed intravenously into your veins to recover from? I mean besides having sex with me. THAT, I'd understand.

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Full Story as per CNN.com.

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*- Little known neighborhood fact: Despite the hilarity of Patrick's name and corelating behavior, the joke got a little less funny when he showed up to our house starting a speech with the phrase: "As per Megan's Law, I am legally obligated to inform you...." etc., etc. etc.

In lack of news, always cometh the ladies...

My all-time second. Miss Amanda Moore.

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Sleep is for the weak.

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Dawn and Insanity Set In

It it just me or do Chyler Leigh and Missy Peregrym look hauntingly related? This question of course if followed by: "Who the hell are Chyler Leigh and Missy Peregrym?". To which, of course, I pose the following counter: Look at the pictures below, and does it really matter?

More of my fanatasizing about these two being long-lost lesbian twins to follow.

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Chyler....

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V.S.

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Missy...

Arbitrary Beauty

No words. Should've sent a poet.

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And if you get that reference, you don't win anything. You lost. In life.

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Nerd.

...More Rachel Stevens....

Olivia Munn

More from before.

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Listen. I'm fairly certain that this girl is not nearly as concerned with video games as she pretends to be. But let this be a lesson to all women. Though Olivia Munn is already astoundingly hot, she is skyrocketed to: "I-would-literally-sacrifice-my-right-tesitcle-to-have-this-girl-smile-at-me" status by this very same fact.

..

So, the lesson? If you're ever in the market to be worshipped in the same fashion as an ancient Aztec goddess, just tell some guy you find halfway acceptable that you honestly care about the longterm reprucsions of the Yuuzhan Vong invasion upon the Galactic Alliance's ability to maintain stability within the galaxy.

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Laugh all you want, say something like that to the right guy, and he will literally wait on you hand and foot for the remaining days of your life.*

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*- Or until the series finale of Battlestar Galatica. At which point, he'll perform ritual auto-erotic asphyxiational suicide upon himself dressed like a 1978 Cylon wearing lipstick. But, hey, it was good while it lasted right?......Right?

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Zombie-proof.

No brains...get it? .....Shut up.

The lowest form of humor known to mankind is the "blond joke". Unfortunatley, for every joke in existance, there are a few living examples of it running around so that it may live forever. That being said, let us not laugh at the dumb blonds of the world. Let us bask in the false sense of security we gain from thinking because we are smarter than them, so that we shall therefore be able to have intercourse with them at will with no possible consequence. As my Dad used to say, "Son, crystal meth is made of God's tears!".

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Thanks Dad, I always remember your words of wisdom, and will one day avenge your tragic death at the hands of 149 federal law enforcement agents during a sustained 12-minute perpetual machine-gun barrage as you screamed "God Bless Mars!". *sniff* One day, the world will understand, Dad. One day

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Until then, here's some random pictures of Jessica Simpson, who despite her generic blond appeal, something about makes me want to tatooo a confederate flag on my arm and raise 16 children with her in the bayoo.

Arbitrary Post System

As to break up the dullness of everyday uninteresting commentaries disguised ham-handedly as journalism, here's some women I happen to find particularly attractive at the moment. And if you question my intentions, i shalt lay upon thee many a contestion of thy heterosexuality. For lo, did the good lord say: "Let thy single, and sad men gaze upon the almost impossibly beautfil, and let them take with themselves their right hand to it. And thus, it was good. And all saw it was good. And some people said that 'it was aaaaalllllll good".

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But thosse people were sentenced to an aeon of servitude to the great council of T.G.I.F. on ABC-ians, and thereafter were sold to the 'Must-See-T.V." of NBC-ians in the Great Contract Negiotiaon in Perputity of Finanical Liability and Limited but Not-Secure Binding Settlement of 1484 A.D.

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And lo' the people doth weep........

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.

1, Kristin Cavalieri.....Laguna Beach girl of whom I accept the fame of purely based on genetic apititude.
2.Jennifer Love Hewiit....A joke goes here, but all I can think of is "....uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
3. Jennifer Lover Hewitt...Seriously, this girl is scary beautiful.
4. Tonya Cooley....Begin to understand my weakness for slutty blond girls.
5. Christina Aguilera....Begin to understand my weakness for impossibly attractive blond girls.
6.Jennifer Aniston....For Fos. Or else, he may *sigh* violently at me.
7. Avril Lavinge....One of my favorites. And your favorites? Frankly, your mother already explained to me your deviant tastes over a nice cup of post-Rough Sex coffeee last week, and frankly I'[d rather not know.

Expect alot of the similar to come. Those who still read have been warned.

Hot Women Who Pretend to Be Nerds

Ok, this isn't even close to news, but I just want to let it be known: if incredibly hot girls pretending to be nerdy is the new trend then I take back anything I ever said about "being yourself". You hear me, women of Earth?! I don't care if its not genuine, because if you will humor me enough to act impressed by my thorough pwnage in an original Halo CTF match, I will promise not to lose my erection when you inevitably ask me if I could renew my gym membership mid-coitus.

Besides, my penis is formatted for 1080p HD.

Britney Spears must smell like the sponge you wash your dog with.

If this girl* were any more classy, she would shit Van Gough's to the tune of Mozart's "Requiem"

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Editors Note: I refuse, repeat REFUSE, to even look at any picture of Britney Spears taken after say...2002, for more than 2.8 seconds. Any more exposure might cause my eyes to become so classy that I begin to cry gold bullion. Bully.

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*- I mean this is loosest** sense of the word.

** - I mean THIS is the most literal, and sexual sense of the word.

Emma Watson wants you in prison

Apparently, 17-year old star of the Harry Potter films, Emma Watson, told a source recently that she's interested in appearing nude on camera at some point in her career. Which is news that I'm not even sure I'm legally allowed to report. In fact, federal agents may be on their way to my house at this very moment for posting this picture. (either that or for those NASA Jupiter probes I "found" in the dumpster behind mission control. And by "dumpster", I mean a highly-secure underground storage bunker. At least in my neighborhood the two are considered the same thing. Space gangstas, bioooooooootch! What-what. And so on.)

Full Story

Lindsay Lohan out of Rehab

Lindsay Lohan, acclaimed thespian of such cinematic masterpieces as "Herbie: Fully Loaded" and "Just My Luck", has finished her stint in rehab, and apparently is a ready to return to her role as a fully-functioning Long Island-spawned* celebutante: spilling cocktails all over barely-existant dresses, which cover fairly nauseating bodies, before recklessly driving with 7 infant children strapped to the roof. Oh, and doing cocaine. Lots and lots of cocaine.

Best of luck, Lindsay. Be sure to let me know when you decide to be halfway decent looking again. Until then, I'll be posting pictures of Morena Baccarin here in your place. I mean, c'mon, is there anyone out there who really would rather look at you?

What was that? ....... No, Dave, Lindsay Lohan in "The Parent Trap" doesn't count. And frankly, I find it extremely unnerving that you asked**

* - Nothing against Long Island chicks, just those who become famous. With the obvious exception, of course.

** - Unnerving = Sexifing

They Only Live to Eat

Rounding out E3 tidbits.....

Capcom released a new(-ish) trailer for the much anticipated Resident Evil 5 during the Xbox official press conference broadcast live on G4tv the other night, and though it doesn't look to contain much of what I would consider actual gameplay footage (if any at all), it still is pretty badass.

For those of you who have been living under a rock*, Resident Evil 4 was one of the best video games ever made, and completely reinvigorated a series that (possibly for the first time ever) didn't even really need to be reinvigorated. And yet it was, and there was much rejoicing.

Except for this guy of course.

*- "Living under a rock" = "Sleeping with a Woman". Its science.

Again, everything you need is at GameTrailers.com

"Hey! Stop shooting me! I was doing something!"

Still catching up on all the E3 chocolately goodness. Of course, nothing is more worth talking about than the third installment of the game that effectively annihilated my social life all those years ago. While you were losing your innocence and kissing Winnie Cooper, real men like me were drowning beneath waves of Covenant invaders and attempted insults being thrown between fat and lonely friends from behind mouthfuls of half-chewed Taco Bell.

Thus, its worth mentioning both the Live-Action, Peter Jackson-produced (?), trailer as well as the new gameplay sampling we suddenly grew privy to over the last few days. Carriable Gattling Guns. Co-op Spartan missions. And of course, the omnipresent golden faceplate of death known as the "Chief".

Prepare thyself for many whiny complaints.

Everything you need to see is available at GameTrailers.com

Random Portman of the Moment

Good morning to you too, Erection.

Ho-ree Godzirra!

Anti-Asian Defamation League be damned! I will not surrender my one-dimensional, cliched racial accent stereotype jokes!

So, uh...yeah. A series of fairly powerful earthquakes struck Japan over the last day or so, resulting in a breakdown at a nuclear material facitlity. Apparently, both radioactive water and fire* were leaked from the facility, and a cleanup operation is now under way. However, the surrounding countryside has already seen a drastic mutation of Japan's most valuable commodity**. There was the before....and here's the after.

Watch. This will all turn out to be more viral marketing for J.J. Abrams MYYYSSSSTERRRY MOOOOONNNNSSSTTTTTEEERRR MOOOOOOOOVIE (And yes, I expect you to pronounce that last bit out loud, and if any body in your immediate vicinity makes fun of you, hit em with ye ol' hot brick to the face). Then again, pretty soon everything in the world will turn out to be viral marketing for this movie. That cheeseless dollar cheeseburger they gave you at McDonald's? J.J. Abrams monster movie. It rained on both Tuesday AND Wednesday? J.J. Abrams monster movie. Your girlfriend broke up with you? Well......that was just me, man. I'm sorry, but she is like a tractor beam of hotness.***

On a side note, around 800 people died during this disaster. So....uh....*throws exploding smoke bomb on floor and disappears into the night...*

* - Is it just me, or does radioactive fire sound like something you dreamed up in 5th Grade math class as it consumed your school? Ah, Da Vinci can have his canvas, I'll take my marble notebook ruled paper.

** - Everyone knows Japan's actually most precious commodity: Giant Fighting Robots.

*** - Yeah, I'll quote "Talladega Nights". How do you feel about that? THAT JUST HAPPENED!