Sweet Exploding Jesus!

"Finally" doesn't even begin to cover it. At long last, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's cult-classic britcom, Spaced, is coming to the States on DVD boxset. For those of you who don't know, and obviously require "re-education", Pegg and Wright are best known for their films Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unfortunately, until now anyone who wanted to see their first true successful work had to purchase a bootlegged DVD off of eBay. But on July 22nd, you can get the whole bleeping thing in a proper, Region 1 formatted collection, including commentaries from Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, comedians Patton Oswald and Bill Hader, and Juno-creator Diablo Cody.

Needless to say, this $50 is essentially already spent for me. I have nothing truly witty to add (do I ever? poop and boob jokes count, right? right?), so instead I will just command you to purchase this. I'm not suggesting, I'm instructing. Failure to comply will result in exile.... to the NEGATIVE ZONE! Bum bum bum! And such and so forth.

Just go buy it, alright?

Source (IWatchStuff...)

Whoreshoes and Hand Grenades

Elisha Cuthbert recently was caught frolicking on a tropical beach with new boyfriend, Dion Phaneuf. And who could blame the Flames for choking in the playoffs if this is what Phaneuf had to look forward to once the season was over. Honestly, I view the Stanley Cup as second only to the Lombardi Trophy in sports significance (and supercedes it in disgusting bodily-fluid count), but even I will admit that the Cup kinda looks like a pile of worm-ridden dog feces when compared to the this particular trophy to the left.

Additionally, we were all nearly privy to a delicious boob-popout during this excursion, only to have the dream snatched away from us by Ms. Cuthbert's irritating self-awareness. Nevertheless, this is probably the hottest I've seen her in quite some time, which leads one to believe that Sean Avery was ACTUALLY soiling her beauty with his goon-ery. In fact, Sean Av---OWWW! What the fu--?! Knock it off, SlapChicken! Is that a fucking cinderblock?! *smash...kersploosh*

Asshole. Excuse me, kids. Someone's a little sensitive about his New York Rangers at the moment, and now I have to collect my brains off the floor. Damn it. I just had these cleaned.

"As if a million voices cried out in pain... and were suddenly silenced..."

Scarlett Johansson, she of the impossibly perky breasts, is officially off the market, as she announced her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds this week. The two have apparently been dating for some time, and now Reynolds has broken the collective heart of ten thousand fanboys... which if I remember my Necronomicon correctly will result in the summoning of Erishkigal, demon of perpetual virginity. Hence the "enchanted armor"* I am now wearing in preparation for my holy quest to permanently silence this abomination.

But before I do, let me just temper this argument with this fair point offered by my colleague, SlapChicken: how long do you really expect this girl to stay married to Van Wilder... if they actually end up getting married at all? Nothing against Reynolds, he's actually not half bad in a few of his movies, but we're talking about Scarlett Johansson here. I'm pretty sure we could create a charity for men to donate enough cash for Scarlett to flash her boobs on camera, and the resulting sum would be the equivilant of the combined GDP of every nation in South America. So take heart, young paladin, this time of darkness will pass in time.

* = Read "Enchanted Armor" as "Tinfoil Jockstrap, a Bicycle Helmet, and a Catcher's Chest Protector.

Grand Theft Auto IV

Grand Theft Auto IV was released this week, and has been universally acclaimed by genre critics across the board. Yours truly picked up a copy three days ago, and have yet to spent a single not-at-work moment doing anything else. Simply put, this game is...phenomenal.

What grabs your attention most, and right off the bat, is the attention to detail. As generic as this praise sounds, believe me: the little touches in this game are things you will be noticing for months and months to come. And all of it lends to a greater believability, which draws the player so deep into the experience that literally hours can fly by without one noticing. This game is not a reinvention of the Grand Theft Auto wheel, in fact I'd argue that it has decidingly less fringe gameplay content and complicated stat systems than its predecesor, GTA: San Andreas. But this is by no means a downgrade, as it feels alot more like they trimmed the unneccesary fat from the title, and instead beefed up everything that made the GTA series fun to begin with. I could try to continue doing this review, but honestly, I'm having trouble rounding it out with any form of negative comments I could think of. I'm not sure yet, but this game may be flawless.

Pro's
- Attention to Detail.
- Smooth Gameplay and Controls
- Everything from the previous installments has been improved in some way.
Con's
- Uh... maybe they could've added a Theater Mode... I guess....
- Will Destroy Your Current Relationship.
- You might accidentally starve yourself to death while on a week-long GTA bender.
Verdict : 10 out of 10.

HAARP

This is a few weeks old, but Muse came out with a new live DVD last month entitled HAARP. This CD-DVD set includes both a video and audio recording of their sold-out show at Wembley Stadium last year. As has been noted on this blog previously, the whole crew from Nerd Geyser (ugh... just typing that phrase makes me shudder) went to the Madison Square Garden show later that same summer, and needless to say it was punch-a-nun-in-the-face Awesome (with the noted capital "A"). If you have the chance, do yourself a favor and go out and grab this. Its like candy... for the ears.

SFW Game: Guess That Body

Alright, kids. Here's a new game for you, as the torrent of boredom at your job starts to cause your frontal lobe to slide towards its escape through your nostrils. Guess which celebrity body you're looking at here. Click below for the answer:

You weren't cranking it before you clicked the picture were you? If so, I'm pretty sure this is a dude, or at least thats what other blogs have led me to believe. But, to be honest, if thats a dude... then the rainbow-themed sticker on the back of my car might actually stop representing the Radiohead "In Rainbows" album I got it from, and start representing the thing that my friends and family have suspected since I started wearing my Mom's dresses at the end of the block and played "street walker" when I was seven. I don't know what the big deal was all about... Mr. Stephenson across the street thought it was really fun....

Hot Toasters

Alright, has anyone else here been keeping abreast of Battlestar Galactica as it progresses through its quasi-final season? No? Well, long story short: a bunch of people are Cylons, and not very happy about it; a bunch of Cylons are trying to keep other Cylons from being more like people, and they are also not very happy about it; the President is dying of cancer again, and she is really not very happy about it; and Admiral Adama is just not happy... ever.

There. You're welcome. But for the rest of us nerds who have been keeping abreast (hehehe) of the situation, lets all take a moment to bask in the soon-to-be missing best Sci-Fi television show on T.V.... and easily the best fiction series in the last few years, period. And while we're basking, lets enjoy the high average hotness of the females on this show. But please, as we bask, don't look at me. In fact, I'm going to take this into the other room..... Oh! Oh, Battlestar! You're plotlines are so engrossing! Yes! Yes! Oh God, give me your well-constructed dialogue! Oh yes! Great Special Effects! OOOOOOHHH!

*lights smoke* Mmmmm... that was great, baby. I've got a meeting early tomorrow, but I'll totally be back next Friday night. Don't worry about Grand Theft Auto IV, she mean's nothing to me*.

By the way, Battlestar Galactica airs at 9pm EST on the Sci-Fi Channel.

* - You know I don't mean that, GTAIV... I was just saying it to make Battlestar feel better. Now come here and sit on my lap, my sweet. Daddy's got a whole night planned for us.

Ok, so maybe she has a penis... so what? Right?... Right?

Well, femdom-enthusiasts, here's something just for you. The only thing is, for you to get it, my female assistant here is going to have to dangle you six feet off the ground and taze your balls for twenty minutes first. Whoa. C'mon, guys... form a line.

So, uh, yeah... Jennifer Love Hewitt took an embarassing picture with her husband. Lets all take a moment to giggle like schoolgirls, and then get back to our normal lives of sacrificing small animals to Vishnu in hopes that she will eventually grant us a naked view of these:

SFW Game: Who's Hiding the S.T.D.?

Answer: All of the Above
(From Left to Right: All, Genital Warts, Sexual Transmitted Lepracy, and Who-The-Fuck-Is-That Syndrome)

Happiness Costs $2,995

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

I want. Excuse me, I have a Mother that requires some armed robbery-ing. Don't worry about her, she's a tough kid. Besides, its for the greater good. Namely, my good. Which is, admitedly, quite great.
Source (Geekologie)...

Queen of the Puck Sluts

I don't really want to talk about hockey these days. Mainly because SlapChicken's beloved, and my...uhh... behated (?), Rangers are still in the playoffs... at least until the end of today. Unfortunately, my poor Islanders have retreated to the usual playoff hockey arena... namely their own basements, where they drown their sorrows in alcohol and highlight reels from the early 1980's.

However, it seems Elisha Cuthbert loves hockey so much, that she has to spread her love (and possibly climedia) around the NHL all year round. First, she soiled herself by screwing Sean Avery, but now she's moved onto the greener pastures of.... Dion Phaneuf? Huh? Um, ok... sure. Anyways, I find this pairing slightly less irritating due to the fact that Phaneuf plays for the Calgary Flames, and not the aforemetioned "behated" (that's right, NOW it is a term) Rangers. Still, though... what exactly is it about these hockey dudes that seems to get these girls all riled up.

What? Oh, she's Canadian? Never mind then. I'm pretty sure their Prime Minister would fuck Phaneuf. Right infront of the thirty-story tall golden statue of Wayne Gretsky they keep outside of their capital building.

Pure Masoginism

Stumbling around YouTube, I found several dozen videos of girls firing guns... in a comical, and nearly-tragic manner. Now, don't you go believing that my inate distrust of the fairer sex (they have hypnotism orbs attached to their chest, for Christ's sake) is now manifesting itself by me claiming that girls can't shoot. That couldn't be farther from the truth, and the .44 caliber slug still embedded in my left ass cheek is proof enough that at least my ex has a good eye. Still, there's something very heartwarming about watching a ditz accidentally pistol-whip herself when firing a high-powered firearm. And it is this joy that I wish to pass on to you now. Kinda like herpes. Oh, and by the way, by reading this post, you now have that too. Sorry, my bad.

Everyone Loves an Adorable Robot

.... until they kill us all.

Here's a couple of short, yet entertaining promo clips for Pixar's upcoming movie, "WALL-E". I should point out that I've avoided every Pixar movie since Toy Story 2, mainly due to a long and complicated gripe I have with someone who has nothing to do with Pixar... which is just a nice way of saying that I am barely-sane, and petty. However, my love for antropamorphized machines supercedes my pettiness... and my love for actual human beings to boot. As you can see, I have a few issues. But lets disregard them, and watch cute, robotic antics. That way the issues can retreat back inside their cave, and continue to fester, ultimately resulting in filling my body to the brim with cancer before I reach age 30. Just as God intended.



Damn. I just know that little guy is too cute to survive this movie. Aaaaaand, yet again, I will be forced to pretend that the flood of hysterical tears that will inevitably flow when I see this movie is, in fact, being caused by the near-toxic level of testosterone flowing through my rippling abs... and not the fact that I'm a big wuss. First dates are always fun.

Anna Faris is quite the Piece.

I've felt that Anna Faris has gone quite underappreciated. Sure, she seems to be the go-to "we-need-a-girl-who-makes-ridiculous-faces-for-our-third-rate-comedy" actress. But that in no way detracts from her strange, yet palpable hotness. Here she is recently on the red carpet, nearly busty enough that to put out an eye, and looking fantastic.

Add to this the fact that she is about to portray a former Playboy bunny in the upcoming "House Bunny", and you've given me all the reasons I need to like her. I'm also pretty sure she's actually a pretty funny person, were she to cast in something besides a 2-dollar romantic comedy or whatever Scary Movie installment they're up to at this point. But should that never happen, we can always utilize the mute button and grind a few levels to any of her flicks. Its called diversification, people.

Source (HollywoodRag)...

So, which Will Smith movie is coming out this July 4th?

Here's another appetizer for this summer: Will Smith's annual Fourth of July Explosion Spectacular, this year entitled "Hancock". The difference between this year's offering and those of the past is that I'm actually kinda psyched this time around.... which is the first time that's happened since "Independance Day".


Pretty intriguing, yes? Of course, this trailer does leave one to wonder: Do homeless superheroes dookie in the street like normal homeless people... or drop bombs from above? If not, why not? Please answer in 500 words or more. You will have 45 minutes for this portion of the exam. Good luck.

The Pride of the Jersey Shore

Isn't it funny how Elliot Spitzer's whore (and I can at long last say that without it having a shred of masoginism attached... well, maybe a shred... but a MANLY shred!) seems to be more famous now than the former governor himself? Well, I suppose you should draw the line between fame and infamy, but nevertheless, everywhere you turn around on the internet these days.... there is this girl.

Anyways, currently Ashley Alexandra Dupre is going through an entertaining legal battle with Girls Gone Wild founder, and douche-bag of the century early front-runner, Joe Francis. This started, as you probably know by now, when Francis approached Dupre shortly after the scandal broke, with an offer of $1 million to pose nude for his company. However, a few days later it came to Francis' attention that he already had plenty of footage of the high-class Hunt's Point counterpart from a few years back, and summarily rescinded his offer.

Skip up to the present, where Dupre then proceeded to sue Francis for $10 million for "tricking her" into appearing on the video. Which, of course, makes perfect sense considering that a prosititute would never willingly expose her body for money or favors. But wait, it gets better. A few days after the suit was filed, Francis released a video tape of Dupre explicitly giving consent to Girls Gone Wild employees... AND re-instated his offer for $1 million, so long as little Ashley agrees to promote Girls Gone Wild.

Its like a Shakespearian romance. Their love is one for the ages, illustrated through the language of passion... which is sometimes confused for poorly-edited softcore amateur porn shot in Cancun, Mexico. An honest mistake, one I've made far too often... let's just say that my oral presentation on The Tempest back in High School got me expelled... from the public school system. And as for Ms. Dupre personally, congratulations. You've attained the ultimate station in life for a New Jersey girl: former escort and now F-list celebrity. Way to be. Aren't you owed the key to the city of Newark now or something?

The Dork Knight

Ok, I admit it. I haven't really cared, nor possessed the energy necessary to follow through should I have cared, to work on this blog recently. And, I will also concede that the few and far between posts I have made were slow-ball at best. But what better way is there to get back into the swing of things, than with a massive explosion of tits and movie trailers! I'm pretty sure thats a direct quote from Kafka.


The Dark Knight theatrical trailer dropped a little while back, and hot damn if it doesn't look delicious. Who would've thunk that Heath Ledger would knock this role out of the park like he appears to have done? Upstaging Jack?! Not an easy task to accomplish. Seeing how I tend to think that The Joker is the best supervillian in comic book history, Ledger seems to have captured everything that is quentisential to Batman's archnemesis: Insanity, Make-up, Knives, Insanity, Willingness to duel Batman on foot vs. vehicle on Gotham City's largest street. Seriously, who would've thought they'd call back to the finale of the first Batman... and then improve upon it!

Alright, my hands are starting to shake, so I'll wrap this one up. Needless to say, they should just throw Oscars at Ledger's corpse for this one. And, surprisingly, I don't mean that in any sort of disrespectful way.