Kristen Bell is my Hero. *Ugh*

Fellow Star Wars-nerd and resident piece of ass, Kristen Bell, is now set to join the cast of the NBC's Heroes this upcoming fall. Bell turned down a similar opportunity with ABC's Lost. Now, I will admit, I kinda got back into Lost again towards the end of last season (after it had come back around from its Twin Peaks-esque second season) but I will be the first to admit that she is much better suited for Heroes. And the first character arc she should go through: a complex storyline involving a lesbian crush on Hayden Panettiere's character. "Oh, these new feelings are so confusing. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself." You know, that kind of thing. I smell an Emmy. Or, failing that, a muffin basket sent by me to the writers of the show. You know you want these muffins, guys. Double-chocolate glazed (coincidentally, the title of the "outline" I have for Bell's second character arc).

Full Story (Popoholic)...

You forgot the laser level?! Forget it, just get Julia to lean against the 2x4 and mark it!

Here's Julia Stiles, whom I have affectionately named "Shovel Face" for several years, walking the red carpet at the Bourne Ultimatum premiere. Ms. Stiles' star is rising these days, after staking a claim with the only halfway decent spy movie series in years, and is rumored (to varying degrees of authenticity) to be in talks with such wide-ranging projects as the Justice League project to several soon-to-be unwatchable period pieces. However, due to the fact that these tidbits come from various forums in the guise of fanboy-journalism, I wouldn't put too much faith in any of them (read: "any faith"). Except for the period piece thing. Thats probably a definite, if only because it feels like something she would do. And we could probably figure out which "period" they were talking about, too.... for in the time before flat countertop was invented, Julia's face was about the best substitute as something to set your drink on. I'm told the Sioux Indians refer to her forehead as "The Great Plains".

I'm not even sourcing the various forum posts for the casting rumors. Where's my journalistic integrity you ask? Well, I'm TELLING you that its not true, so there.

Julia Stiles at Bourne Premiere(TheGrumpiest)...

+2 Sex Per Second

"I am the most desired object in South Korea... behind StarCraft II."

For some reason, several blogs have been recently chiming in on how unbelievably attractive Korean pop singer Lee Hyori is. And since I desperately need to be accepted, I think its bandwagon jumping time. Actually, hilariously enough, the first time I noticed her was during her appearance on the telecast of BlizzCon 2007. Of course, in Korea, having uber-hot celebrities host video game conventions is completely normal. Which is about the equivalant of... say, Christina Aguilera or Mandy Moore hosting ComicCon. Which, of course, would inevitably lead to the poor girl in question being torn to pieces by a horde of horny geeks (coincidentally screaming "FOR THE HORDE!" whilst doing it). Ah, Korea. You gotta love a country which is divided into a totalitarian military regime in the North, and a legion of ultra-Americanized StarCraft addicts in the South. Not to mention it is the only country in the world accessible by Deeprun Tram*.

One Source of Many (Popoholic)...

* - Quite possibly the Nerdiest reference yet made on this site. Heh, what do I mean "possibly"?

"Auntie Em" is the Safety Word

Todd McFarlane apparently reads this blog, and caught my obscure reference to his Wizard of Oz toys, which is so obscure as a matter of fact that I can't find the entry where I even mentioned them anymore. Oh, and of course, anything said, done or thought about in the real world that resembles something on this site constitutes that it was totally done at my behest. Anyways, due to my incredible (read: impractical) referencing skills, McFarlane is in talks to make a remake of the classic Oz tale based on his toys, working with A History of Violence scribe, Josh Olson. Which means that in twelve months or so, we will see Pan's Labyrinth meets The Story of O. Which begs the question: where is Tim Burton in all of this? This is the kind of thing that guy gratifies himself to. Literally. I've seen it. More specifically at the local Hot Topic, in broad daylight, answering anyone who comes to question his behavior with "I..... Am.... Batman!". Oh, wait, that might've been me. My bad.

Full Story (IWatchStuff)...

Pseudo-Porn

Several hot celebrities are..... NOT getting nude this month. But they're kinda scantily-clad, and giving you "fuck-me" eyes. And in the world of hopeless geeks, thats about the same thing. Hell, I think that might even qualify as sex for nerds. "Congratulations, my friend. You have just been laid". I never tire of it, either, Master Shake.

Hayden in FHM UK, Jessica in FHM France, and Roselyn in Maxim.

More Hayden Panettiere (Popoholic)...

More Roselyn Sanchez (RedBalcony)...

More Jessica Biel (Popoholic)...

Wrath of the Lich King

"The Lich King broods after being served by the Lord of the Nazgul's lawyer for copyright infringement."

....

This isn't breaking news anymore, almost a month old as a matter of fact, but if you'll permit me, lets talk about nerd cancer for a moment, or as its better known: World of Warcraft. At BlizzCon, held in South Korea in early August, Blizzard announced they will shortly be releasing the second expansion pack to the most successful video game of all time, following in the massive success of the first expansion, The Burning Crusade, released earlier this year. Wrath of the Lich King, picks up where Crusade left off, and before we get into the copious "make-fun-of-WoW-nerds" section of this entry, lets just run off the new additions to the game first:
- Level cap raised to 80.
- New continent: Northrend; Ten New Zones.
- Introduction of the first Hero Class: Death Knight.
- Several new Instances, most notably Icecrown Glacier with....
- .... new endgame boss: The Lich King, formerly Ner'zhul and Prince Arthas.
- New Profession: Inscription (essentially Enchanting for spells instead of weapons)
- Expanded Old Game Content.
....
Fucking Warcraft. This game has ended more prospective lives than ethinic cleansing could ever dream of. Only now, instead of finding a potential Einstein at the bottom of a mass grave, covered in lye, you'll find him in the form of a dry and flaky residue on countless computer keyboards. Hey, I've got an idea for you Mr. Night Elf Druid, oh I'm sorry... I mean "PwnMastr69420": in the time it took you to increase your Strength from 61 to 110, you could've lifted enough weights to increase your ACTUAL STRENGTH enough to left a small V.W....... OR, you coulda talked to a girl. Just throwing it out there, man.
....
So what is the product of this annoying combination of addictive gameplay with infuriating long requirements? Let me explain it in terms a WoW nerd would understand. A new class of human being has been produced. The Uber-Nerds have consolidated their position alongside the Koreans and the Socially-Crippled, and with an army of 9 million, have single-handedly put the future of human reproduction in doubt. All across the world, pale and frightened geeks bask in the alien blue glow of their computer monitors, auctioning Witchfury swords and grinding Yeti's in the Alterac Mountains. And all the while, the men's sperm count drops from inaction, and the women's eggs spoil as they realize that their owner has forsaken the ways of the Female. Eventually, a barren landscape, where no one speaks to friends in person or ever has sex with anything living, will appear. And when the aliens finally arrive, all they find that is left of us is a single, fat kid with a lisp, wandering the abandoned Earth, looking for a raid party that will never come.
....
No great loss.

Icion - Lvl. 60 Blood Elf Paladin - Mannoroth Server
Shanyuu - Lvl. 20 Orc Warlock - Mannoroth Server
Aserephyia - Lvl. 28 Night Elf Druid - Deathwing Server
Serucam - Lvl. 35 Draenei Warrior - Deathwing Server

Full Story (Wikipedia)...

Kirsten Dunst Violated! (sorta)

Kirsten Dunst was reportedly robbed the other day, as two thieves snuck into her Soho Grand Hotel suite and stole a $13,000 handbag, a wallet, cash, cameras and an iPod. Dunst will now be forced to live out of garbage cans and the leavings of better, stronger alpha-bums to survive following this crippling financial loss.
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But seriously, this speaks to me as more of a lesson in buying cheaper shit. Sure, the lost cash, cameras and iPod are going to hurt the same no matter your tax bracket. But a $13,000 handbag? Does it also air-condition your house? Or comes with a 60" flat screen hdtv? Or stimulate your genitals? Something? Listen, I know that girls demand ludicriously-priced purses/jewelry/shoes, but 13 grand?! You could've literally purchased a county in Sierra Lione for that amount of money?
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Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta slip on my garbage bag shoes and burlap turtleneck for my job interview with the prestigious 81st Ave. Crack Corporation. Their C.F.O., Mr. D-Rock, sounded very encouraging in his CraigsList ad.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

It Must Be Summer (Jenny McCarthy)

Jenny McCarthy... doing what Jenny McCarthy does best. Well, besides farting in public while sticking her tongue out and copulating with Jim Carrey. The girl we always knew and loved (ourselves while watching her) from Singled Out was out on the beach this week, showing off her greatest natural talent: tremendous breasts. Breathtaking, spectacular breasts that you just want to crawl up and live between forever, eventually constructing complicated architecture resembling that of an Ewok village. And then, in your autumn years, you wil gather around the bonfire, and recount stories about your youth and the epic journey you undertook to climb to this place, and start a new future for your people.

....

Either that, or just squeeze a few out while looking at them. I mean, if you'd have a long day already.

Source (TheSuperficial)....

"Mr.Bubbles! Please Get Up!"

For those who own a Playstation 3, keep walking. You heard me. I said, fuck off!
....
Ok, are they gone? Good. Everyone remaining should be a 360 owner, or at least prepared to purchase one. Why? Because the first must-own game of 2007 for the 360 came out on Tuesday. And 'lo, its name was BioShock.
....

PROS
- Lighting and texture effects (especially water) are flawless. -
- Surround Sound is the best in all of Video Game Entertainment thus far.-
- Compelling gameplay, with extensive replay value. -
CONS
- Some minor sound glitches, like "ghost bullets" ricocheting around inexplicably.-
- Gears of War has forever made every other FPS wanting for a tactical cover system.-
- No Multiplayer.-
OVERALL RATING: 9.2 out of 10.0

Jessica Biel Loves Quiet, Lesbian Orgies at Home

Jessica Biel, who is supposedly dating Justin Timberlake AND appearing nude in a new movie (hence : infinitely newsworthy), recently told Glamour that she is done with "mothering thing with trying to save bad boys", and refuses to allow new boyfriends to take any time away from her girlfriends. Expanding on that point, she went on to say that she has grown tired of going out to clubs after turning 21 a few years back, and now prefers to say at home with her friends.

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The thought process that goes through my head when imagining Jessica Biel at home with her friends should be pretty self-evident. Lets just say lots of pink pillows and wrestling matches are involved. And a single, mildly-retarded badger. But as far as the bad boys thing goes when considering she wants to be a homebody now, let me throw this out there: if staying home with a guy that will cry in your arms after sex is what you're looking for, then look no fucking further. Although, somehow, Biel seems less like the "crying AFTER sex" type, and more like the "crying DURING sex" type. Because its just so beautiful.
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And it will never happen again. *sobs uncontrollably*

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

Random Aniston of the Moment

*For those of you who don't know, this famous Rolling Stone's magazine photo was actually taken in my bedroom. What you don't see is her hands tied to the frame of the bed and her legs strapped to the headboard. I didn't think she was able to bite through leather that efficiently. I had enough time to snap the photo, and get her to stop crying. I have asked her numerous times to get rid of the restraining order, but she refuses.

The Spirit of Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson has reportedly signed on to Frank Miller's newest work, The Spirit. Miller, who wrote Sin City and 300, is adapting the Will Eisner comicbook, and has also cast Samuel L. Jackson in the film. Johansson will play "Silken Floss", a character which draws heavily on the "dangerous curves" femme fatale slant.

....

Even though this isn't an original Miller work, I'm fairly sure his penchant for the scantily-clad (whether they be cowboy-stripper Jessica Alba's, or loincloth-warrior Gerard Butler's) will pay huge dividends the second Scarlett comes on screen. And then, I too will "pay huge dividends".... all over the back of the neck of the person sitting infront of me. But before they can turn around, I will purposely spill my cherry slushee all over myself and look extremely surprised, saying "Man, I don't know either. I was just sitting here and all of a sudden there was a bright blue fire and then this thing was everywhere. I think it spontaneously combusted".

....

Then, after they go to the bathroom, wash up and return, I'll do it again. Only this time, I'll spill the slushy on their neck for real, and wait till they turn around to "pay up", screaming "SUUUUUPER SLUSHEEEEEEE!" before running out the theater.

Full Story (Popoholic)...

Fuck You, Pete Doherty.

Pete Doherty, the poster child for drug abuse and complete worthlessness in our time, recently brought in his cat's kittens from a newborn litter, into a vet where the doctor noted the high content of cocaine in the kitten's bloodstream. Thats all you need to know. Up to this point, I've left it up to my colleagues or other blogs to discuss Doherty. Mainly due to the fact that the guy just isn't interesting. At all. Wow, a British rock star who is addicted to heroin and cocaine! Fucking original stuff, Pete. But on top of that this guy is a world-class asshat. There is literally nothing endearing about his behavior. I think he must be under the impression he gets the Keith Richards pass. One problem, Pete: HE is Keith Richards, and YOU are Pete Doherty. About 1/8th as talented, famous, rich and creative. For fucks sake, this guy thought spraying his blood on another human being was funny. I mean, DO they have laws in England anymore? Besides near-fascist anti-terrorism laws? Now, I'm not usually the type of guy that gives the pro-America rant, but if a musician sprayed his/her own blood on another person in say, New York City, that guy would be spending a few months at Riker's, if not a mental health facility. And if that individual started giving cocaine to his cat, well.... then he/she would simply be dead... because they would be way too close to my home already NOT to savagely murder them.

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Alright I'm done. None of this was funny, but I honestly can't be after being forced to digest that filth. No more rehab, no jail time, no pity. Fuck Karma, after reading that, I hope Pete Doherty's gets inoperable cancer. And thats the last time I will ever mention him.

Chronicle of a Never-Shoulda-Been-Born (The Blemish)..

Great Scott!

Yes. You heard correctly. The DeLorean Motor Company, whose original owner, John DeLorean, died in 2005, is planning to finally resume production of its famous/infamous vehicle. Of course, DMC had essentially disappeared for 25 years after the narcotics indictments against DeLorean. The new DMC was established in 1995, and had been selling DeLorean parts ever since, before deciding this week to begin hand-building completely new cars. The new DeLoreans will be constructed at the rate of one to two cars a month to begin with, and will cost $57,500. In short, the Libeans may be a shade pissed off.
...
Oh my god..... Oh my god, ohmygod, omigod. I will DEFINITELY.... never actually buy one of those. I mean, it seems like a logical move for me, I know. After all, DeLoreans seem tailored specifically for two crowds: cocaine dealers and time travellers. But let me assure you that the cocaine I sell* does all the time travelling for you. But if you don't concentrate real hard on the specific date you wanted, it will usually just send you back to the 1980's. .... and alot of the time if you do concentrate really hard, too.
...
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with November 5, 1955, and 'ol Marty's mom. It seems that day was a fulcrum point of slutiness in the space-time continium. George McFly. Biff Tannen. Hell, even her own son. That chick was just DESTINED to get laid that day, huh?

Full Story (TheDetroitNews)...

* Everyone knows I don't sell, use, or associate with Cocaine. Now...White Slavery. Thats the only lady for me.

Dad, How did Grandpa die? Ever hear of football, son?

See this guy, to the left, he's out of his fucking mind. 59 year old Mike Flynt has decided he's going to right one of his life long regrets and play college football once again. Flynt returned to Sul Ross State and could play as early as Spetember 1st. To absolutely no one's surprise he was drinking when he thought up this bright idea.

....

Now, I'm not going to go into details because the story is boring as shit and sappier than a split spruce, but what the hell is he thinking? What is he going to tell his family when he gets hit so hard on the first play that his prostate and several other vital organs eject from his body. A well conditioned, top shape 59 year old man is no match for a 22 year old lineman who downs 5 lbs of red meat, 3 creotine shakes and about a half cup of steroids a day. At least he's only 6 years away from Medicare. Ha!

.....

I wonder if he's writing his will at the moment, or maybe he already has it jotted down on the elastic band of his soon to be useless jock strap. Well, at least the Grandkids will have an awesome story to tell. "How did your Grandpa die, Johnny", "He was running a slant play when he when he got hit and turned into a cloud of dust".

Story.

.........

-SlapChicken-

30 runs and they still suck.

Well, someone forgot to tell the Texas Rangers how incredibly bad they are before last night's game against the Baltimore Orioles. The Orioles had a 3-0 lead in what seemed like a normal game, until the powers that be decided that the day the sun shined on a dogs ass would be this day. The Rangers scored 30, I repeat, THIRTY unanswered runs after that. Meanwhile while their manager was sacrificing live animals in the clubhouse while chanting in tongue's , the Rangers completed a feat that had not been accomplished by any team in MLB modern day history. The last time a team scored this much was in 1897. That's a long time ago, Larry King was just a teenager then.

........

Even after the game, Ron Washington. the devil worshipping, soul selling manager of the Rangers was very shocked that his team had done something....good??? When told his team had set a record for most runs by an AL team ever, he stated....

"I didn't know that. It means we set a record on the good side of baseball," Rangers manager Ron Washington said. "I was just hoping we'd get some consistency."

......

Don't worry, Ron. I never realized the Rangers could do anything that would show them in a positive light, either. This team didn't just set a record, they embarassed the Orioles. Basically calling the O's pitching staff, pube-less, girly men with each swing of the bat. I'm stocking up on supplies like canned goods and propane lamps, because the last time I checked my *holy book, this was one of the signs of the apocalypse. You people better leave town fast before the L.A. Clippers win a championship.

Whole Sha-bang.

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* When I say holy book I mean the 11 year old issue of Playboy I have under my bed featuring the WWF's "Sable". I don't care what you say, she talks to me damnit!

-SlapChicken-

Foxy Brown: Nazgul, Dementor or Drag Queen?

You make the call! Before I get into this "story" I just wanna know how long it takes Foxy to shave in the morning. No, seriously, I want to know. She keeps it clean and know's how to line that shit up. Whats with the hair, too? Does it engulf her entire body? Did she have to part the mane, a la Cousin IT? It looks like someone super imposed her face on the back of a gorilla.

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Getting to news that matters, well not really, I just don't have anything better to write about. Foxy Brown was thrown in the clinker for violation of probation.

Last week, Brown surrendered to police on charges that she assaulted her Brooklyn neighbor with her BlackBerry device. Then, just one day after her surrender, police in Mahwah, N.J., pulled the rapper over after she was spotted talking on her cell phone while driving her 2007 Land Rover. Officers cited her for talking on the phone and failing to stop at a stop sign. In addition, Brown gave police officers a false birth date and a variation of her name. Forced to admit her real identity, police reportedly learned that the musician was driving with a suspended license. Her Land Rover's registration also had been suspended.

People Magazine

She also let People magazine aware that she is currently pregnant. So she's obviously going to give birth to an indescript ball of hair that will grow up to be a D-List rapper who is known for absolutely nothing. I tell 'ya. The future is going to be bright for her kid, if only for an hour a day when he gets to visit the yard and shoot hoops. Holla!

Full "story"

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As a sidenote, if you understood the references in the title of this post then you my friend are just as sad as I. In that case...you wanna hang out this weekend? My mom said she'd order us Domino's and I got nothing to do and a fistfull of 20 sided dice. Please, please.


-SlapChicken-

Hayden Panetierre fulfills fantasies.

If you are of the male gender, have a heart beat and at least the most rudamentary of brain activity you will agree with me. If you do not then I immediately label you a detriment to society and quite possibly the good of all mankind.

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Ok, so it's just an advertisement for milk, but you cannot stop me from thinking differently. Which I do and have done, 3 times already. The fourth time is in progress and fifth has just begun.
..........


Thank you. Oh, thank you, TheBlemish.com.

-SlapChicken-

Jenna Jameson needs food and a new rack.

No, you're actually not looking at a piece of loose leaf paper turned sideways. No, you're not looking at an emaciated asian woman either, or as most people know her "Bai Ling". Actually what you are seeing is *what is left of porn star extraordinare, Jenna Jameson. Apparently she had an operation to remove all of her dirty, pornstar, hotness and her internal organs as well. Oh, yeah, and she had her breast implants removed. I mean, if ya look like this now, Jenna. The least you could have done for humanity was left your tits in.

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Apparently she's also completely done with porn. It's fine though, she's rich and having all those good christian people send her 25 cents a day so she doesn't starve to death won't hurt either. "Don't believe me? Just call the number on the bottom of your screen". Seriously, talk about going to hell in a hand basket. Not only did she go in a hand basket but she obviously also did not like the food service on her trip. "Thiiiiinnnnnerrrr"

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*I say "What is left of her" because believe it or not she used to look like THIS. (NSFW link)

Seriously, can someone tell me what the fuck is in that first picture?! 'Cause Jenna James or a good looking female specimen, that is not.

Full story @ TheSuperficial.com
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-SlapChicken-