Guess Who 's Back, Bitches

That's right, after months of her not appearing and the disappearing, Elisha Cuthbert is back to her former glory. The hot girl from "The Girl Next Door" fame is back and hotter then ever. Seriously though, would anyone not sleep with her, even when she went down hill for about a year? That's what I thought. Yes, Keinada, my common law husband, put up pictures of Miss Cuthbert in a bikini a couple of months ago. She did look good, however, she was not a as hot as she once was. These pictures are proof that I can once again get the box of kleenex out, lay flat on my back with my pants around my ankles and think of Elisha Cuthbert tickling my toes. Although, didn't she really fall off in hotness as she got older? Mainly because she is of the age in which she is able to make her own decisions, therefore not choosing to sleep with me. Probably because I have a baboon penis. Think about it.

More Pics(TheBlemish)...
-Cambodian Monk-

I Spy with Belichick's Eyes

Remember this face ladies and gentlemen, this is the face of the devil. I will admit that he is one of the greatest coeaches the NFL has seen, partly because he is a Parcell's School of Football alumni. He has been called a defensive guru, he has led the Patriots to 3 Super Bowls and most people have said they will go down in history as one of the greatest franchises in NFL history. That is absolutely true, only now they will be the most infamous franchise. I will be honest that I am probably not the biggest football fan out there. I can't tell you who was the league MVP each year starting in 1980, I can't tell you who won the Heisman in 1985, but I love football more then life itself. I watch every game on Sunday, I watch highlights of old games, I cry when former players are inducted into the football Hall of Fame and I would not want to live if the sport of football did not exist. It is America's sport. But I can't tell you where my hatred for the Patriots comes from. I am not a fan of any AFC East team, they didn't beat my favorite team, the New York Football Giants, in the Super Bowl. So I can only say that I hate the Patriots with a passion, as do most of the people involved in the football universe. After watching the Patriots trounce the Jets, I thought to myself that I need to hate them even more now. They looked impressive, they really did. With my hatred put aside, they are still a great football team, I cannot deny that. Randy Moss ran 56 yards for a touchdown, Ellis Hobbs returned a kickoff 108 yards for a touchdown and Tom Brady was almost perfect at the helm completing 22 of 28 passes for 297 yards and 3 touchdowns. Then the Patriot world comes crashing down. the greatest team in football, the greatest coach in football today...caught cheating.

This poses a question that has come up time after time this week: Is Belichick's coaching skills discredited now? Did he legitimitely win those Super Bowls? How long has he had a blatant disregard for the rules and regulations of the NFL? Unfotunately, these questions will remain unanswered. There are those that say the actions taken by Roger Goodell, $500,000 fine to Belichick, $250,000 fine to the Patriots and the loss of a first round draft pick, are not harsh enough. I say the most disappointing aspect is that there will not be a probe into other incidents. Last November, the same Patriot flunky, Matt Estrella, had his camera confiscated by league officials for suspicion videotaping defensive signals. This is a definite blemish on what has so far been a brilliant coaching career. However, it has been known that Belichick is not one to think to highly over other people's opinions of him. Who is to say that the Patriots did not have an advantage in January against the Charger's? I'm sure the Charger's want to know. How about the St. Loius Rams? Carolina Panther's? They all lost in the playoffs or Super Bowl to the Patriots. Do they have a right to know? You can say that on Sunday it didn't sway the outcome of the game because the videocamera was confiscated during the 1st quarter.However, one cannot deny how much of an advantage they could have had. The video operator points the camera at the opposing team's defensive coordinator giving signals to his player's on the field. The vidoe of the hand signals is compared with the overhead photos of each play which are available to teams during a game. These are the photos that you see the defensive players looking at when the offense is on the field. From the comparison of the signal to the formation on the field, a team could know that a raised hand, for example, could mean blitz. The next time they notice a raised hand, they can adjust accordingly. Coaches relay information to players on the field via headsets or hand gestures. These comparisons can be made during halftime and the team can be more prepared for the second half. This can also be useful longterm with teams creating files for each team.

I know this post is not funny, it isn't meant to be. I'm sorry, I cannot make a joke about something that is a joke in itself. Belichick and the rest of the Patriot organization, including that fudgepacking homosexual of an owner Robert Kraft, should be shamed into leaving football. Seriously, if you need to videotape defensive signals to have an edge against another football team, you shouldn't be in the National Football League. If you feel the need to vidoetape a football game, tape a bunch of high school kids playing football in a park somewhere. Analyze them. Belichick should be ashamed of himself, Rober tKraft should commit sobuku and the rest of the Patriots should spontaneously combust.

-Cambodian Monk-

Special thanks to the Boston Globe, ESPN and ABC News

Mandy Moore's Erotic Tourette's

Mandy Moore, the perennial good girl of the entertainment industry, has broken from her status-quo for a recent interview with TMZ's human-form cancereous parasite, Perez Hilton, in which she enjoys a stripper pole and the use of the word "pigfucker". While many would assume I would be concerned with how my sexual fantasies are starting to manifest themselves in the realm of matter, I'm actually more concerned with the prospect that Ms. Moore might suffer from slutty-tourette's syndrome. My first clue: that concert in Spokane, Wisconsin where she suddenly began to call her drummer a llama-cunt membrane while shocking her nipples with a nearby faulty microphone. Or at least, thats how I remember it. Whatever the case, the lesson here is the same: Don't smoke payote, kids.

Source (TMZ)...

Not just another football commercial....The greatest commercial ever!

*Since the first time I have seen this commercial during the greatest day ever, a Sunday during football season, I have watched it 3, 000x since. Each time I get the chills. Regardless of who is in the commercial, Burt Reynolds could be plaing Shawne Merriman and Dom Deluise could be playing Steven Jackson, it is the greatest commercial. Football or not. The music, the tackles, the way it is choreographed....PERFECT! Now, I will watch it again, only this time I will have a box of kleenex next to me so that I may clean off my computer screen. Don't want it to be blurry when I watcfh it again shortly after post coitus.

-Cambodian Monk-

Sign of the apocalypse.

Take that fucking hat off! Goddammit, what the hell is going on here? Why the fuck is Rick DiPietro wearing a Mets hat. Goddamn Islander's sullying everything I care for. Apparently the Islander's management was so surprised with people who actually renewed their season tickets that they decided to send their "NYI365" (God, that's gay) subscribers free tickets to the September 26th Mets game against the Nationals.
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Wait, wait. Here's my favorite part that makes close to zero sense at all. I quote...

"There are many reasons for Islanders fans to be a member of NYI365 but never enough ways for our organization to thank our subscribers for their loyalty and support throughout the hockey season," said Chris Dey, the Islanders Senior Vice President of Sales, Marketing and Operations. "We felt this was a fun way to kick off the hockey season. We really look forward to seeing all of our season subscribers at the Mets game."

What?!?! So a fun way to kick off the hockey season is by buying your season subscribers nose bleed seats to a Mets game? They are aware that Baseball is NOT hockey, right, RIGHT??!!
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Hey, douchebags. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on horrible seats to a National League game why not treat your fans to something they might actually give a shit about. Jesus Christ, these people obviously have incredible and extremely retarded loyalty to the team if they renewed. If you're going to do this why didn't you just have everyone line up outside the Coliseum. Once all are accounted for, hand out Mark Parrish jerseys with a courtesy and gratuitous kick to the scrotum. Finish it up by spitting in their face and shouting "We're all Islanders!".

Hahahaha! *sigh*


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-SlapChicken-

Long Island: Where goaltenders go to die.

First off....Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eh hem, sorry. Mike Dunham has retired after 10 "seasons" in the NHL. Dunham was then hired as the New York Islanders goaltending coach.

"Mike had an outstanding NHL career and was very well-regarded for his work ethic and his leadership," said Islanders head coach Ted Nolan. "I'm very happy to have all of his experience on our coaching staff. Last season he was extremely helpful as a teammate to the development of Rick DiPietro and Wade Dubielewicz and that process will continue with Mike as our goalie coach."

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"Mike had an outstanding career". Really? When did this happen? I must have missed something. Was I in a coma when he won a Stanley Cup or was more than just a place holder for better goalies on every other team? You know what though, he truly was an integral part in the development of the two afore mentioned goalies. I mean who else would have kept the bench warm for those guys. You need someone like that, someone to keep the bench from flying away into orbit. Honestly, I'm beginning to think Charles Wang is not a dummy, but actually a comedic genius. He's made hockey fans across the country laugh uncontrollably for the last 3 seasons.

NYISLANDERS.COM

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-SlapChicken-

Joe Francis is Insufferable Tool

Joe Francis, founder of Girls Gone Wild and professional douche-goblin, has reportedly issued a press release from prison. In said release, he offers Vanessa Hudgens, of Disney Channel and webcam-nudity fame, $500,000 to appear on a future edition of his aforementioned lukewarm pornographic* enterprise. While precisely nobody waits for Vanessa's answer, which will be an unequivical "no" (that is if she responds at all), we are all left to wonder just how we could call a country like ours so great when it allows a meathead, date-rapist walking cancer like Joe Francis to get so wealthy. It doesn't surprise me that this guy has half-a-million to throw away on something like this, considering he's worth about 0.5 solar masses of gold bullion. And who do we really have to thank for that? A bunch of fat, pimpley, very sad males who need to hear the high-pitched, drunken squeals of girls not hot or proficient enough to be actual pornstars, just garden-variety sluts. So, listen up America cause here's our chance to make a difference! For just pennies a day, we can buy these sad losers computers, so that they may at long last experience free, plentiful and actual pornography. With your help, we can make sure that Joe Francis spends his remaining days first blowing coke in his lonely California mansion, before moving on to just blowing hobo's at the AmTrak train yards whilst living in poverty that would make a resident of Mogadishu cringe. Please help. Only you can insure that I never have to see Joe Francis again.

Source (CrazyDaysandNights)....

Victoria Beckham, v.3.6 - Made By Sony

Ok, its official: Victoria Beckham is either an extra in Steven Spielberg's A.I., or has had all of her bodily fluids replaced by the good people at Oil of Olay. OR, has her makeup done by Adobe Photoshop. Honestly, how else do you explain this?! Is it possible to have a whole body skin graft using vinyl? I'm at a complete loss here, people. Its like a human being.. but printed on glossy photo paper. Please feel free to save these pictures, and then print them out on a laserjet for your own home version of Posh Spice.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

"I had hoped... to see Montana."

President Vladimir Putin dissolved the Russian government yesterday, a move that has been read as a power solidification in expectation of the upcoming Parliamentary elections. Putin, a traditionalist hardliner, will supposedly step down next year, but has secured the spot of his successor as someone of similar political stripe. These dramatic changes in Russian interior affairs has been endemic of the events of the past few years under Putin's rule, emblamatic of his thinly-veiled desire to see the reformation of the Soviet empire.
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Well, it was fun while it lasted, wasn't it? What's that... about 17 years of Western victory? Wooo! But, in all seriousness, its time to blow the dust off the 'ol guns. And I don't mean the nuclear weapons, I mean the true deadly instrument of the Cold War: Levi's Jeans, Coca-Cola, and American pop music. Wait. Shit. American pop music is now inferior to Russian pop music (as evidenced above). Umm... Damn it, I don't know then. Quick! Everyone get drunk and wear drab clothing!

Full Story (CNN)...

Re-Portmanize

"Oh, I'm going to soooo pwn Anakin after I finish this Jedi training... Choke me, will you? You whiny little bitch."

Natalie Portman, who has been quite overlooked on this site recently and as such has been sent my left pinky toe via express mail as my chosen form of apology, is starting to slowly re-appear around the blogosphere in the past week or so. After rumors broke earlier about her supposed nude scene in Wes Anderson's short film, Hotel Chevalier, she has also been spotted with a new boyfriend at the U.S. Open the other day, and will shortly begin to promote her upcoming children's movie, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, alongside Dustin Hoffman. AND, in evidence of just how much people crave Portman-related news, the following pictures have popped up of Natalie walking around her neighborhood in Manhattan looking uber-pissed. Sure, you could venture the guess that she is just irritated by the paparazzi taking said pictures, but then you'd only be showing your own ignorance of the fact that Natalie Portman is just straight-up gangsta. That girl is 90 lbs. of blood-soaked, kilo-moving, heater-tote-ing, life-sentence super thuggery. She can never love you, she can only love the game.

Source (Egotastic!)....

Courtney Love is a Parastic Brain Snake.

Courtney Love, best known for killing her husband and stealing his music, showed up to a fashion show in NYC last night looking like this picture to the left. And if that brought up memories of this picture to the right for you as well, then maybe you should seek some professional help on the grounds of being far too much like me (a clincally identified mental disorder in most civilized countries). But the fact that Love is apparently a Goa'uld from Stargate is of little surprise to me. The off-key voice, erratic and inexplicable behavior, and penchant for stealing knowledge instead of learning it for yourself. Apparently, Nirvana's catalog is the only power source capable of effective intergalactic travel these days. If Courtney's obligatory black bodyguard starts sporting a gold forehead tattoo, I'm calling MacGuyver.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Hello cats and kittens!!!! This is the first post of "Scandalous" your number reliable source for celebrity gossip from reliable sources!!

#1- Rapper Lil' John admits to being addicted to Crunk Juice. You thought it was a clever marketing ploy but the truth is the world famous rap star is physically dependent on his own product. His constant screaming of the phrases "Yeah!", "What!", and "Okay!" are a serious side effect of his addiction.

#2- Due to the major media attention given to the Michael Vick and his involvement in illegal dog fights VH1 has added a new show to it's immensely popular Celebreality Lineup: Celebrity Dogfights. The premise for the show is celebrities pit their dogs against other dogs owned by a rival celebrity, while all living in the same house and having to compete in daily challenges while America watches on live webcams 24hrs a day. Now don't confuse this series with the new FOX show Celebrity Dogfights: Death in the Sky. In which feuding celebrities go one on one in vintage WW1 and WW2 fighter planes to prove their supremacy in the skies and the media.


Til next time
Hugs and kisses,
Stevey Sweet

The Drum Solo of Life!

Tyler Freeman, apparently some kind of inventor and/or kid with far too much time on his hands, has invented the greatest thing to hit music since the vocoder. Freeman has developed a pair of pants that have triggers in the front of the thighs so that one might actually play electric drums on their legs. The triggers feed into a small drum machine, which plays the audio in MIDI format.

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Thank.... Fucking... God. No longer will I be a slave to the acoustic limitations of the fat content of my thighs, nor be forced to abuse my steering wheel with such ferocity as to be likened to a masturbating chipmunk on crank. Although, now I'm going to have to start a pool for when we will see the first douchebag walking down the street whilst desperately attempting to be Neil Peart. Which will appear, outwardly, to any passerby as an extreme, ongoing fit of epilepsy.

Source (Geekologie)...

Indiana Jones IV Title Announced!

Star of the new Indy movie, Shia LaBeouf, announced the title of the upcoming fourth installment of the Indiana Jones series during his presentation of the best actress award at last night's Video Music Awards. An the title of the aforementioned movie: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull*. Which, barring the fact that I have no idea what classical relic this is referencing**, a pretty decent title. However, when you think about it, any random stringing together of ornate sounding adjectives attached to macabre nouns following "Indiana Jones and the...." would work well. Indiana Jones and the Crimson Douche. Indiana Jones and the Autumnal Monkey. Indiana Jones and the Infuriating Computer. Or, more approriately, Indiana Jones and the Tremendous Paycheck. If only the first poster tagline would be: "Not Since Slavery Has A Whip Been This Useful." And before the threatening and offended emails start coming in: which period of slavery am I referring to? I didn't know you were still put off by the Sumerian conquest of the Hittites. What?! Historical Loopholes! Holla!

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* - Someone should tell Indy he can pick that thing up over at Spencer Gifts. It goes very well with blacklight posters.

** - Oh, and yes, with my vast encyclopedia of nerd references, I CAN in fact reference objects that resemble "Crystal Skulls" from fictional antiquity. However, I found it too difficult to chose between a joke about Stargate's Ancient memory device, and Billy Zane's laser shooting, Treat Williams-liquifying skulls from "The Phantom". Both of which grant the user the power to never kiss a girl again.

Full Story (ICYDK)...

2007 VMAs Are Embarrasingly Bad.

Overshadowed by the far superior entertainment of competitive hog carcass carrying, the 2007 VMA's debuted last night, to horrific results. Honestly, I didn't watch the show, though I'm sure I'll catch it during one of its 160,000 repeats in the next week, but I've gathered they've managed to sink to a brand new low for skill in broadcasting. Several audio problems, one most thankfully during the performance of the greatest insult to the term "music" in history, Fall Out Boy, plagued the telecast, and the scripted presentation banter was about as sharp and "hip" as MTV has grown capable in these last few years. AND to kick things off with a bang, Britney Spears' long-lauded "comeback"* performance set a new precedent for the word "sad", as the overweight and obviously-inebriated singer flopped her way through 3 minutes of disappointing (read: expected) lip-synching. It kinda resembles a water buffalo trying escape a tar pit, but failing miserably and screeching as its sucked under the black goo. Which is, of course, a fitting analogy for Spears' career. Survival of the fittest sure is a bitch, ain't it, Brit?

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Feel free to laugh at Spears' performance on YouTube, or a variety of other blogs, but let us here at Nerd Geyser rise above the taudry and cheap, and instead focus upon the superficial and breastacular. Here's a quick run down of the most important part of the VMA's: the female bodies that attended them....

Hayden Panettiere, Rhianna's Fore(teen)head, Rosario Dawson, Nelly Furtado, Jennifer Garner, Sarah Silverman

Is it just me, or does it seem like the VMAs attract exactly 1/1000 of the celebrities it used to? Again, Kinda sad.

NFL Sunday Wrap-up - Week One

Well, the first week of the NFL 2007-2008 season is all but concluded, and its time to review the first sabbath day of our holy sport of god-emperors....
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LaDainian Tomlinson was held to a relatively quiet game by the Chicago Bears defense on Sunday, which would have been a tremendous accomplishment had he not finally broken out in the last stages of the game to score his first running touchdown of the season. Additionally, L.T. threw for a touchdown, but was held to only 25 rushing yards.
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Randy Moss returned to old form in the Patriots defeat of the Jets on Sunday, amassing 183 receiving yards and a touchdown as Tom Brady and the Patriots trounced the Jets, 38 - 14.
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Three games were concluded by a last-play field goal, as the Broncos overcame the Bills at the finish for a 15 - 14 victory; Washington bested Miami, 16 - 13; and Green Bay thankfully broke the Eagles hearts, 16 - 13, as well.
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Finally, the New York Giants held on for as long as possible Sunday night against the Cowboys, despite several key injuries. Eventually, however, they succumbed in a game that showcased both New York's and Dallas' lack of defense, losing the game 45 - 35. Starting running back, Brandon Jacobs, as well as quarterback, Eli Manning, were both knocked out of the game, and will have announcements made on their conditions sometime today or tomorrow.
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The John Mellancamp song, "This is Our Country", was played a total of 13 times thus far this season.
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John Madden has attracted two small moons into orbit around his waistline thus far this season.
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So, rounding it up, with total scores to follow, week one was as nutty as it always tends to be. Both my Giants and Bills got themselves beat, but both the Chargers and Colts confirmed that they are still forces to reckoned with in the AFC. Which, of course, only provides me with the solace that they may beat the Patriots later this year when it matters. Oh, how fun football is when you're only option is to follow it purely for fantasy football reasons, and hoping to see the Pats and Eagles lose as often as possible. And later, when you're watching the inexplicable Superbowl matchup of the Pats and Eagles, look for a crazed, naked fan running in at the kickoff to detonate a large, pressurized canister strapped to his chest and filled with 63 gallons of human excrement. Boom! Touch Actin' Tinactin!

Indianapolis Colts defeat New Orleans Saints, 41-10

Denver Broncos defeat Buffalo Bills, 15-14

Pittsburgh Steelers defeat Cleveland Browns, 34-7

Green Bay Packers defeat Philadelphia Eagles, 16-13

Carolina Panthers defeat St. Louis Rams, 27-13

Minnesota Vikings defeat Atlanta Falcons, 24-3

New England Patriots defeat New York Jets, 38-14

Washington Redskins defeat Miami Dolphins, 16-13

Tennessee Titans defeat Jacksonville Jaguars, 13-10

Houston Texans defeat Kansas City Chiefs, 20-3

Detroit Lions defeat Oakland Raiders, 36-21

San Diego Chargers defeat Chicago Bears, 14-3

Seattle Seahawks defeat Tampa Bay Bucs, 20-6

Dallas Cowboys defeat New York Giants, 45-35

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Baltimore Ravens at Cincinatti Bengals, tonight @ 7:00pm EST

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers, tonight @ 10:15pm EST