Keinada, I told you I was in Beverly Hills!

I know this is an old story, but I need to comment on it now that I have proof that I was in Beverly Hills. Apparently Ange-Homewrecker-lina was supposed to meet with Jennifer "Cambodiaon Monk Rocks My World" Aniston to talk about, I don't know what. But in true Angelina style, she never showed up. Jennifer would probably bitch slap Angelina, while yelling "You stole Brad from me!". Angelina would then respond, "Shut up, Bitch. He wasn't in love with you anymore." Then Jennifer would get all emotional, as usual....God I love her. Angelina would see this and start to comfort Jennifer. Telling her everything was going to be alright. Then, Angelina would look in to Jennifer's eyes and kiss her...gently. They would then make love for 47 days, only coming out to give me the video tape and put a new one in. Wait, that's not what they were going to do? Shit, you mean I wasted all of that gas?You mean the warrant for Grand Theft Auto was pointless? My father didn't report his car stolen? This is just getting better and better by the second. Damn Hollywood.

I wrote this blog to take my mind off of the Brett Favre post that I finished a few minutes ago. Plus, I haven't "watched an excercise video" in a while. I need a jusmpstart every once in a while, sorry. It's that I think I am getting tired of the whole process. Think about this, I have a girlfriend. Yea, did you brain explode yet? Having a girlfriend should mean that you "watch a workout video" less. WRONG! I "watch a workout video" at least once maybe twice a day. I think the whole process is too messy now. I'm 25 years old, should I really be "spraying confectionary sugar on myself anymore? No, that's why I invented the "Watching a Workout Video" Smock. It is made out of 50% nylon, 40% Gore-tex and 10% Vinyl. Much like a panters smock, the "Watching a Workout Video" Smock attaches to your neck with string and has a waist strap. The tapered edges will fit to any body type and the straps are adjustable. The major difference is the "Ball Sling" technology. The "Ball Sling" gets attached at the base of the penis to cover you balls and pubis. The "Watching a Workout Video' Smock will eliminate clean up for any male and even has remote control pockets for you TV. DVD player. etc. "Never get sperm on your chest again." Is that a good motto? I'm still working on it.

The Superficial

-Cambodian Monk-

How do you make an Asian butterface?

Bai Ling, who was in Wild West West, a cut role from Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones, and probably something else where a stock hot asian female was required, has come out rather publically about her desire to have a threesome with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. More specifically though, Angelina Jolie. Pitt, apparently, would be tolerated for the privellage. Ling came up with this fantastically plausible (read: is this chick really this delusional?) idea while filming Jolie's most well-known (read: that was a movie?!) picture, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. According to Ling, her and Jolie exchanged a "sexual energy" and had openly.. uhhh... hinted at future sexual relations... via a flirtacious conversation that sounds more like a 13-year old girl trying to write what she considers "erotic fiction". I'd go on into the quoting section of this post, but you know what, just reading this again makes my mind hurt with pity. Listen, Bai Ling, you may be the most misunderstood asian in Hollywood, but I know someone who will still give you plenty of "company":

His name is Kenneth, and he is a really good listener. He also happens to be a hamster... but I'm sure you two can get past that.

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Jolie pwns Helmsley

Angelina Jolie, who breathes in 3rd-world children and breathes out U.N. good-will missions, is currently in the celebrity of war-torn countries: Iraq. Jolie flew into Syria on Monday, where she visted Iraqi refugees in an effort to bring more attention to the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi's displaced by the current war effort.

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Damn it. As borderline-pretentious as celebrity humanitarians can be, you really can't fault her for making some good use of her fame and fortune. After writing that piece on Leona Helmsley earlier today, it makes you wonder what special level of hell she is going to when contrasted with Angelina. Jolie is rich, famous and admittedly attractive. And to boot, she's charitable. Meanwhile, the Cryptkeeper-ess, is rich.... and slightly infamous. Seriously, if having a better soul was a competitive sport, that old bitch would be getting her shit ROOOOOOOOOCKED. Which is, of course, a legal term for "getting pwned". So now, after two paragraphs of explanation, you finally understand this entry's title. I am a master of suspense.

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