The Zero-Point Module of Celebrity Gossip

Now, I don't usually like to post on a story that I know will turn out to be false. However, considering that when I started writing this sentence the only place this story was being posted was at Celebitchy.com, a frequent source for this site, and by the time I put the final punctuation in a report on Fox News is already blaring over the airwaves backing up this claim. So, without any further ado, the most patently untrue celebrity rumor of the season goes to:
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Britney Spears has allegedly been implicated in putting a contract on Kevin Federline's life.

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I know. I know. This can't be true. It would be too good. Like the waking up Christmas morning and finding Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley engaged in graphic, tantric lesbian sex beneath the tree kind-of good. However, just assuming this Hydrogen bomb of celebrity gossip is true, let me just say this: Ha!. Hahahahahaha. ... ... Hahaahahahaahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. To be honest, I was kinda rooting for Federline for the last few months (as I can appreciate anyone who can star in a timely, self-parody commercial), and this would permanently cement his legacy as being 180 degrees reversed from deadbeat husband to psychotic-marriage survivor. AND, maybe it will finally make America understand that the most offensive thing related to Spears is our nation's misguided need to "save" her. .... Because we can't commit to a viable endangered species protection program... but we can devote countless hours and dollars to trying to save a deep-south white trash, uneducated, untalented, overweight sex/drug addict from herself. The only solution: America takes a contract out on Britney Spears. C'mon, people. I'm starting a petition. We'll all just pitch in and go to Costco, buy 2 metric tons of bacon, and just drop it off in her driveway. I'd give it no more than 3 hours before the coroner is called in.

Full Story (Celebitchy)...

Dad, How did Grandpa die? Ever hear of football, son?

See this guy, to the left, he's out of his fucking mind. 59 year old Mike Flynt has decided he's going to right one of his life long regrets and play college football once again. Flynt returned to Sul Ross State and could play as early as Spetember 1st. To absolutely no one's surprise he was drinking when he thought up this bright idea.

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Now, I'm not going to go into details because the story is boring as shit and sappier than a split spruce, but what the hell is he thinking? What is he going to tell his family when he gets hit so hard on the first play that his prostate and several other vital organs eject from his body. A well conditioned, top shape 59 year old man is no match for a 22 year old lineman who downs 5 lbs of red meat, 3 creotine shakes and about a half cup of steroids a day. At least he's only 6 years away from Medicare. Ha!

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I wonder if he's writing his will at the moment, or maybe he already has it jotted down on the elastic band of his soon to be useless jock strap. Well, at least the Grandkids will have an awesome story to tell. "How did your Grandpa die, Johnny", "He was running a slant play when he when he got hit and turned into a cloud of dust".

Story.

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-SlapChicken-