In case you didn't know...

Avril Lavigne is really, really stupid. I'm just making sure thats clear for all of you who haven't read a blog, any blog, in the last three years. I'd venture a guess that the first sentence above is the most often used blog entry title on the internet (besides, of course, the ubiqitous: "Hot Amateur Nude!"; or the million variations of "Lindsey Lohan is a huge fucking trainwreck").

The latest incident happened recently during a concert in Montreal, where she announced that she was "so happy to be back home... in Ontario, Canada". For those of you who are geographically-challenged, as Ms. Lavigne seems to be, Montreal is located in Quebec... not Ontario. Which is quite embarassing, seeing how Avril happens to be Canadian herself.

So, basically, this is the equivilent of someone living in Albany thinking that they actually live in Vermont, and not New York. Which is, admittedly, quite stupid. That being said, I'm quite certain that Avril Lavigne's life is far too occupied by purchasing Gucci wifebeaters to bother cracking open an atlas. And besides, as much as I love our cleaner, friendlier neighbor to the north... what are they going to do about it? Beat her to death with the Stanley Cup? Wait. That might not be a bad weapon. The sheer volume of disease that was embued onto that particular trophy over its scandalous lifetime would probably be enough to strike one dead upon first touch. So I guess what I'm saying is... I need to obtain the Stanley Cup... for its horrible powers.

And then I'll fuck Avril Lavigne. Oh. How uncouth.
Source (IDLYITW)...

Oh, you little rapscallion!

So, apparently, Avril Lavigne is not pregnant. *cue balloons and dancing chimps spinning plates entering with marching band*. It seems that Lavigne's recent "baby bump" *shudders at that term* and baby gap shopping was all part of Ashton Kutcher's new reality/prank t.v. show called "Pop Fiction". Earlier this week, Paris Hilton's guru hilarity was revealed to be more of the same, and was completely omitted from this blog solely because Paris proving she's not a total idiot once does not off-set the 11,234 times she was unable to do so.

So, thank god for that. Its almost as if God heard my whining (which was admitedly droned on long into the night) and corrected the issue. However, it turns out it was actually Ashton Kutcher who was responsible for this whole debacle in the first place. Two things: 1) is it really possible to just hang around famous people now, and by proxy remain famous? Seriously, to the best of my recollection, this guy was in two successful television programs... and about sixteen nearly direct-to-dvd movies. 2) How much of a one-trick pony can one man be? The only "new" twist to this show is that Kutcher is now "punking" *again, shudder* the general public via celebrities, not the other way around. I'm also fairly sure there's some vaguely arrogant message about teaching the public not to trust paparazzi involved in this. I just think its buried under five-feet of self-important, Hollywood bullshit. I reiterate: if you do not want to be followed around by cameras all day long, maybe you should've chosen a career path not related to the entertainment industry.

Boy, those celebrities sure showed us. They proved that not all tabloid stories are true! I guess we should stop wasting countless metric tons of ink on every little detail of their private lives. Of course, then about 90% of them would have to actually WORK once in awhile to maintain their fame. I have a feeling SAG strikes have started over less. After all, being rich for no reason is tough work.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Fair Enough

America's favorite Canadian pop-star gave us more reason to quietly loathe her recently, but exposing, yet again, just how fucking perfect her oft-far too covered up body is. I'll update some more pics later, but for now... jesus christ. I know I seem at a loss for witty remarks tonight, but keep in mind that I've had several weeks to let these pictures settle into my "level-grinding" sessions... and at this point I've got nothing better than "hummana-hummana-hummana". But I will say this: blond hair with one streak of pink says just one thing to the male population of the world: "I am easily influenced, and look like I'm still in high school". Combine that with a immaculate body, and you've got a perfect storm of premature ejaculation... and sometimes incarciration. Yeah, I know. I'm just throwing slowballs today.

That baby's gonna have alot of neckties and wife-beaters...

Some whispers flying around the net today that Canadian judge-this-book-only-by-its-cover singer, Avril Lavigne, and her husband, that guy from SUM-41 who spells his name too oddly for me to care enough to write it, are quietly expecting their first child. Doesn't all of this make you feel a little old? Shit, I remember when Avril was considered jailbait.... to me.... and that was less than four fucking years ago. I haven't bothered to look up her actual age, but she can't be more than five years younger than me... tops. And yet, when reproducing is about ten more years down the line, if all goes according to plan, yet another couple-years past legal chick is going to ruin herself in the hopes of providing herself.... life fulfillment.... ugh. Fuck that noise. Shallow, empty hedonism for me, baby. Its the only thing that distracts me from the sounds of my own constant tears.

Be Less Physically Modest, Be More ACTUALLY Modest

Avril Lavigne, whose souless music is not sufficient enough to negate her incredible looks, recently gave an interview with Q magazine, a British music publication which if you don't currently read, you should. Anyways, said interview consisted mostly of Ms. Lavigne doing the self-satisfied West Coast liberal thing:

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On dealing with her incredible success:

“Selling 24 million albums hasn’t really affected me, but it has changed things. I can’t walk into a room full of people any more without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won’t get hassled. But that’s OK. I was born to do this, and so I’ve learned how to cope.”
On her competition:

"Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I’m tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It’s good if you’re not easily ignored. And I’m not.”
On her generosity:

“I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘Take it to Katrina!’ I also like to give stuff to people who are my ‘workers,’ especially if they don’t make much money.”
On her polarizing personality:

“People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.”

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*Sigh*... Fair enough, I suppose if you get filthy rich overnight, as only the entertainment industry, state lottery and trafficking illegal drugs can provide, the least harmful response is to be charitable. But, can't these people be silently charitable? It kinda voids the point if you talk up your own good deeds. And furthermore, six boxes?! Considering that Avril has to be worth probably somewhere between 10-15 million at least, shouldn't those six boxes be filled with hundred dollar bills? I repeat: *Sigh*. On top of this, now she's sporting one of the strangest hairstyles I've ever seen. Its like punk W.A.S.P. I don't know whether she wants to have a polite, good-china worthy dinner or blow rails down at C.B.G.B.'s. In either case, yet again, I will let it go based on her aethestic appearance. Because to me, with no joke intended, Canadian is the hottest of the caucasian nationalities. Oh, what I would give to get drunk with Avril on actually good domestic beer, cover her in maple syrup and have tantric sex on a hockey rink.

Sidney McVicious, III vs. Roughsex McPoserton

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Full Story (TheBlemish)...

Charm School et Lavigne

Ok, the first of these stories came to my attention the other day, but didn't seem to warrant a post by itself. However, this new addition pushes the issue past critical mass. Canadian singer Avril Lavigne was recently quoted in seperate interviews as first claiming that she "always wears underwear" in contrast to Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and whatever other "ho-bag"* seems to be famous despite a lack of talent; and then going on about how she is prone to stripping nude when drunk and running around in public.

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Now, most people hate Avril Lavigne right off the bat. I can't tell if its the pop-punk music thing, or the married to Deryck Wimbley thing, or maybe just the fact that she's Canadian thing**. No matter the reason, this should make you love her all over again. Because THAT'S class right there, ladies. Don't go flashing your conch when getting out of the limo at the club, just exit the club later that night bare-ass naked. And furthermore, be sure to let me know which club you plan to go to, providing me also with a plane ticket if its out of state.

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Seriously though, I get the impression that Avril Lavigne might have the best body that no one knows about yet. Like how Jim Kelly is the best QB to never win a Superbowl. And how Dan Marino is the best QB to never question that previous statement, lest I slap him to death with a gross of Isotoner Gloves.

Full Story re: Wearing Underwear (Glitterati)...

Full Story re: Drunken Nudity (HollywoodRag)...

*- A Clincal Term.

**- Don't ask me why Americans hate Canadians. Maybe its our natural affinity for smoggy air, garbage-strewn city streets, costly healthcare, and desert-climate hockey teams.

Avril Lavigne wants to be invited to the cool kids' parties

Yeah, so these pictures of Avril Lavigne started popping up around the internet this week.....and by popping up I mean that literally every celebrity-gossip based website seems contractually obligated to post them. Because.... we didn't know that Avril Lavigne had breasts before now? Supple, alabaster, perky breasts barely restrained by a pink bikini top? Drawing my eyes upon them like iron fillings to a magnet? With such force that although I'm looking at this picture through my wireless internet whilst driving down the expressway, I cannot turn my eyes away... even though a flaming, out-of-control tractor trailer is currently barrelling down the road in the wrong direction directly towards me? Uh-oh.
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In all seriousness, this picture could've told you this girl has an amazing body years ago. But here's a lesson for ya girls. Ye who dress like goth chick, but is far too attractive to be an actual goth chick, sends off just one message to guys: "I have no sense-of-self and am therefore very easy to emotionally manipulate." Just saying.
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But please don't stop. I need to feed on your emotions to sustain my eternal, youthful beauty and supernatural feats of strength.
Thanks to the Blemish for this story. More pics, and a damn funny website overall through the link.