A Kate Beckinsale Moment

Have you ever heard somebody tell you that "nobody's perfect"? Well, the next time they do just scream "What about Kate Beckinsale?!"... and then stand back and watch as they are utterly broken by your logic bomb... and by "logic bomb", I mean the cricket bat you just beat them about the brainpan with. That, my friends, is the REAL way to win friends and influence people. Suck on that, Tony Robbins.

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Sushi = Vagina

Kate Beckinsale recently appeared in Mean magazine and gave the scientifically-awesomest interview a jaw-droppingly attractive celebrity can give. Within, she describes wanting to drop babies out of high-rise windows... and ultimately admits she'd rather taste vagina than sushi. The reasoning: "...because at least vagina is warm." Without fail, this popped up on every blog on the internet within four minutes of publication, and garnered the predictable response ranging from the Lord Byron-esque "Duuuude... do you know what? I'd like to watch her eat pussy!"... to the awkwardly feminine "How can she dislike sushi if she hasn't tasted it?"

Hence, I will not go on a huge, tasteless rant about how rigidly erect this article makes me. Nor will I address the blatantly obvious point about the people from the Anti-Asian Cuisine Defamation League. Instead, I will just say this:

Kate Beckinsale is flawless.

Seriously. The only way she could've topped this one for me was if she happened to say she'd rather eat Natalie Portman's vagina. While I watch.... Star Wars movies whilst they lez out in the next room. Hey! Keep it down in there! Its the Snow Battle scene! Jesus... hot, ridiculous lesbian sex* is alot louder than you'd think.

Ok, I kinda drifted off on this one. But, seriously, Kate Beckinsale just mildly alluded to licking snatch... albeit in joke form. BUT SHE STILL SAID IT, GOD DAMN YOUR EYES! Don't you dare take this away from me.

* - Ridiculous Lesbian Sex = Picture two perfect women making out. Now, in your mind's eye, turn them into clowns. NOW, never be able to attain an erection for the rest of your days. Your welcome.

Source (TheBlemish)...

Wonder Women

Katie Holmes, who was once the masturbatory object of many a teenage boy's eye and has since become known solely for her faux marriage to a homosexual, alien-worshipping version of Cole Trickle, is apparently being scouted to play Wonder Woman in the upcoming, and long-planned, movie of the same name.

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Why are they still trying to make Wonder Woman? I consider no story to be too ridiculous to make a decent plot out of it, but I will concede that if there ever was such a premise, this would be it. A supernaturally-strong Amazon, with an obnoxious (if revealing) costume, who can block bullets with her armbands and owns a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Seriously. How... The.... Fuck... Do you make that interesting?! It even suffers from the greatest of all comic book cop-outs: the invisible jet. Attention Hollywood: just because you CAN make another comic book movie, does not mean you should. At this rate, I'm expecting a McGruff the Crime Dog movie before the decade is out.

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Oh, you doubt my prediction about this movie's inevitable ball-sucking, here are the other actresses who have already, at some point, been set to play this role, but mysteriously could never close the deal:

From Left to Right

Uma Thurman, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Charlize Theron, Kate Beckinsale, Rachel Bilson, Jessica Biel, and... of course, Lindsay Lohan

Full Story (TunaFlix)....

It Must Be Summer (Kate Beckinsale)

Like every blog known to man, and because I obviously only post non-female celebrity pieces apparently once a fort night, I too am obligated to inundate you with countless posts concerning hot celebs in bikini's all summer long. Why? Because the only thing better than having your hopes of sleeping with these women dashed by overly-photoshopped shoots of them in impossibly beautiful locales, is having your hopes completely eradicated when you see how damn fine some of them look with no CGI help. Of course, Angelina Jolie violates this precept now, but she's also apparently a total dyke, so I don't think you had much of a chance to begin with.

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Before the G.L.B.T.U. starts burning down my house (while looking FABULOUS the entire time, I might add), let me add this: I only post this because I was fairly certain already that Brad Pitt had a vagina. And besides, I'd figure you guys would loathe Jolie enough already if only for the fact that every last straight girl in existance insists that they'd go gay for Angelina Jolie. That's a standard that your average female golfer/SUNY Purchase student just can't live up to.

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Oh, and according to my dad, "dyke" is a clincal term. As in: "Hey son, I grabbed that girl's ass at the bar last night.... and then she broke my arm. She must be a dyke." Hence, my understanding came to be that dykes are people who break arms. Therefore, "homo's" must break legs. Henceforth, Lawrence Taylor is a total homo.

Not much else, but the rest over here (CelebrityBETA)...