I... Saw... Iron Man *Da Da Dadada, etc*

Alright, I finally got around to making decent use of my day off, and saw "Iron Man" yesterday. For those of you who have never tried it, there's something to be said for catching summer blockbusters at 3pm on a weekday with no one else in the theater. Who needs to be a celebrity, when all you need is an unorthodox work schedule at a dead-end, mind-shattering occupation to get your own private screening.

Ok, I stopped myself before this became an epic rant about how much I hate my job. Moving on, there's not much I can say about "Iron Man' except that its easily one of the better super-blockbusters in recent years. And all of this is owed almost purely to the talent of Robert Downey, Jr. Honestly, I think the vast majority of the public will be seeing Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark for a long, long time. And I don't mean that in any way to belittle Downey, Jr.'s previous work, and it should be pointed out that he has several roles in his past that are easily more challenging and therefore more engrossing... but the simple fact of the matter is Robert Downey, Jr IS Tony Stark.

The film is well-paced and thoroughly enjoyable. Even I, the most jaded of movie-goers, broke out in goosebumps several times throughout. The only issue I could raise with the movie is that Terrence Howard kinda looks like he mailed it in on this one... I get the impression they could've found someone better for the role. That being said, this accounts for 0.01% of the film, and no other real problem with the piece can be found, no matter how hard you look. All told, you should definitely see this movie. I'm not crowining it King of the Summer yet... but it has firmly established itself as the early contender to beat.

FINAL SCORE: 92 out of 100.

The Ladies of the 2008 Summer Box-Office

Looking ahead to this Summer at the movies, there's plenty to look forward to. But in keeping with the percentage of boobs I am contractually obligated to keep on this blog (roughly 98%) compared to any other form of news or commentary, I'd thought I'd just throw out a few of the leading ladies appearing in this season's offerings. A lazy excuse, you say? Well, sir, I say that you have offended my honor. This shall be settled in the way of courtly gentlemen.... with a swine fight. That's right, you heard me. On the next morn, we shall meet upon the King's fields and do battle with live pigs. And victory, my friend, will never have smelt so.... bacon-y.

(Right - Cate Blancett from "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

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(Gwyneth Paltrow from "Iron Man")

(Maggie Gyllenhaal from "The Dark Knight")

(Christina Ricci from "Speed Racer")

(Anne Hathaway from "Get Smart")

Speed Racer Blows

Speed Racer opened this weekend to pretty abismal reviews by both fans and critics. Thus far the film is running at 35% over at RottenTomatoes.com, and the most frequent comment seems to be summed up as follows: "Lots of bright, almost obnoxious colors, but no story, acting, or humor to speak of".

So, uh yeah.... if you're looking for an orgy of epilepsy, this movie was carved out of shit just for little old you. Otherwise, all other nerds read the "Wachowski Brothers" credit not in the first two "Matrix"-movies/"V for Vendetta" kind-of way. More like "The Matrix Revolutions" and "Bound" kind-of way. Alas, not all is lost, for I must admit that Christina Ricci is still adorably fuckable. Oooooh. Crass.

Seriously though, I will concede that casting her in an anime movie is pretty smart... considering I'm fairly certain she was drawn into life by a hentai artist.

Source (RottenTomatoes)...

Splicers of the Caribbean

Variety is reporting that Gore Verbinski, probably best known for the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, has been tapped as the director for the forthcoming adaptation of BioShock. As you should know, and by "should" I mean "are required by law", BioShock was an incredibly successful first-person shooter game that came out early last fall. The game illustrates the story of an underwater eutopia-gone-wrong (oh, those eutopia's... do they ever go right?), reverting to gene splicing and drug addiction, before drifting into an all-out block-by-block war between its crazed citizens and its tyranical dictator, Andrew Ryan. Unlike many other FPS games, BioShock prided itself on an immersive, almost movie-like feel, and shocked critics and fans alike with its well-written storyline.

Hence... this should be good. I think thats what I was trying to say. Or, at the very least, CambodianMonk's inherent love of everything Verbinski-esque, combined with his vast nerdiness, will cause this news to literally rupture his cerebellum. And yes, that is a word.

Source (TunaFlix)...

Everyone Loves an Adorable Robot

.... until they kill us all.

Here's a couple of short, yet entertaining promo clips for Pixar's upcoming movie, "WALL-E". I should point out that I've avoided every Pixar movie since Toy Story 2, mainly due to a long and complicated gripe I have with someone who has nothing to do with Pixar... which is just a nice way of saying that I am barely-sane, and petty. However, my love for antropamorphized machines supercedes my pettiness... and my love for actual human beings to boot. As you can see, I have a few issues. But lets disregard them, and watch cute, robotic antics. That way the issues can retreat back inside their cave, and continue to fester, ultimately resulting in filling my body to the brim with cancer before I reach age 30. Just as God intended.



Damn. I just know that little guy is too cute to survive this movie. Aaaaaand, yet again, I will be forced to pretend that the flood of hysterical tears that will inevitably flow when I see this movie is, in fact, being caused by the near-toxic level of testosterone flowing through my rippling abs... and not the fact that I'm a big wuss. First dates are always fun.

So, which Will Smith movie is coming out this July 4th?

Here's another appetizer for this summer: Will Smith's annual Fourth of July Explosion Spectacular, this year entitled "Hancock". The difference between this year's offering and those of the past is that I'm actually kinda psyched this time around.... which is the first time that's happened since "Independance Day".


Pretty intriguing, yes? Of course, this trailer does leave one to wonder: Do homeless superheroes dookie in the street like normal homeless people... or drop bombs from above? If not, why not? Please answer in 500 words or more. You will have 45 minutes for this portion of the exam. Good luck.

"Thats the cup of a carpenter..."

OK, you choose. On the left, you have Paris Hilton. Undeniable porn-star skills, but assured penile eroding acidic disease (commonly known as P.E.A.D*). On the right, Christine Lakin**, J-list celebrity status (defined as requiring more than a three sentence explanation as to who she actually is when bragging later to your friends***), but superiorly desirable, suprisingly so, body.


Guess what? Either way, you lose. Or at least thats the way America sees it, as the Oscar-hyped**** The Hottie and the Nottie, starring the aforementioned pair, has already firmly established itself as the frontrunner for "bomb of the year" by scoring an astounding 29 viewers-per-theater...total... for an entire three-day weekend. One would surely ponder why the latter actress was forced to play the disgusting-girl role... slut+hot girl made up to look ugly= success?... but I'll skip the narrow-minded nay-saying and congratulate this film's producers for making a piece of Hollywood history... that will be worshipped by camp-loving homosexual men for decades to come. And in the same month as the Hannah Montana Concert Movie?! OH!.... MY!..... GOD! 2008 is just so.. FAAAAAABULOUS!!!!!*****


Source (TheSuperficial)...



* - A serious disease that I TOTALLY did not just make up. Please, will you help spread awareness in your community? If only for the children.
** - The first girl I ever masturbated to, when I was like 11 or 12, and she was on Step By Step^. Don't ask why. IMAGINE why.
*** - World of Warcraft Guild brothers do NOT count. Seriously, Kevin, move out of your parents basement and go to a bar or something.
**** -Sarcasm (n.) - to praise a person, place or thing in contradiction to actual meaning, usually for the sake of humor.
***** - and yes, I totally am.******
****** - I missed my *'s.

^ = T.M.I does not stand for Too Much Information! It stands for Too Much I'm so frickin awesome.

Rise of the Mecha

One of the flagships of the anime invasion from back in the 80's is getting the big-screen treatment as of an announcement today. Robotech, an amalgamation of the popular Macross series', will be released as a live-action theatrical film, and is looking to star Tobey Maguire.

....

Alright, I'll give them this: as far as giant fighting robot franchises go, Robotech is one of the better ones. And its story is far more deserving of a film adaptation than Transformers (a show, which most forget was made solely to sell toys at Christmas... and therefore my generation's Pokemon). Additionally, these robots don't transform from tremendous, anthropamorphic killing machines into tape cassette players. More like tremendous, antropamorphic killing machines into a more jet fighter-shaped tremendous killing machine. Not to mention that one of them is the size of New York City, and is used in much the same way. However, when are we, as a nation, going to realize that our future rests not in creating extravagant films depicting giant fighting robots, but in the creation of these highly impractical weapons of mass destruction themselves. Or we can just sit around, eat popcorn and giggle to ourselves while a Japanese laser-sight is affixed to the back our heads, which is in turn affixed to the left arm of a 14-story, twelve hundred ton, leviathan with plasma cannons. Our only defense: as whiny as Americans can be, the Japanese teens that are apparently the only beings capable of piloting such a vehicle are ten times worse. "You can't make me attack California, General Tetsuo! You're not my real dad! I'm gonna go listen to some Japanese-equivilant Nirvana*!"

* - Is there such a thing? If so, I'd love to hear it.
Souce (IWatchStuff)....