A Moment of Angel Love...

I've just about wrapped up my Angel boxset collection as of yesterday with the purchase of Season 4, and as such I thought we'd take another moment to appreciate the silver-medal of Joss Whedon's work (gold to Firefly, and only a bronze for Buffy after she took two steps following her balance beam dismount). For those of you who do not know, and are therefore abominations in the eyes of the Lord, Angel was Whedon's second series, spun-off from Buffy after the Slayer's third season. Unlike the teen angst-driven, youth-in-america meets supernatural setting of the aforementioned series, this show took a darker tone from the beginning. First playing itself as a film-noir effort, it eventually evolved into a primetime, supernatural soap opera with an ensemble cast that was arguably better arranged than even the original Scoobies of Buffy's lore. Also, Angel began the current Whedon phenomena of getting his shows cancelled just as they hit their prime, as the series was killed halfway through its fifth, and highest rated, season.

So let's take a moment to remember Angel... in the manner to which Joss Whedon shows are best honored: by a quick admiration of the jaw-dropping caliber of the female leads on his show, somehow matching the series' creative genius with the same quality in good old fashion t-and-or-a. Delicious.

Charisma Carpenter as "Cordelia Chase"

Amy Acker as "Winifred Burkle"

Julie Benz as "Darla"

Stephanie Romanov as "Lilah Morgan"

I... Saw... Iron Man *Da Da Dadada, etc*

Alright, I finally got around to making decent use of my day off, and saw "Iron Man" yesterday. For those of you who have never tried it, there's something to be said for catching summer blockbusters at 3pm on a weekday with no one else in the theater. Who needs to be a celebrity, when all you need is an unorthodox work schedule at a dead-end, mind-shattering occupation to get your own private screening.

Ok, I stopped myself before this became an epic rant about how much I hate my job. Moving on, there's not much I can say about "Iron Man' except that its easily one of the better super-blockbusters in recent years. And all of this is owed almost purely to the talent of Robert Downey, Jr. Honestly, I think the vast majority of the public will be seeing Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark for a long, long time. And I don't mean that in any way to belittle Downey, Jr.'s previous work, and it should be pointed out that he has several roles in his past that are easily more challenging and therefore more engrossing... but the simple fact of the matter is Robert Downey, Jr IS Tony Stark.

The film is well-paced and thoroughly enjoyable. Even I, the most jaded of movie-goers, broke out in goosebumps several times throughout. The only issue I could raise with the movie is that Terrence Howard kinda looks like he mailed it in on this one... I get the impression they could've found someone better for the role. That being said, this accounts for 0.01% of the film, and no other real problem with the piece can be found, no matter how hard you look. All told, you should definitely see this movie. I'm not crowining it King of the Summer yet... but it has firmly established itself as the early contender to beat.

FINAL SCORE: 92 out of 100.

Pure, Uncut Genius

Stephen Colbert's genuis is a subject oft harped upon on this here "inter-net", and there is little I could contribute to this well-documented "eFact" other than to say I have always been in total agreement. But after watching the above clip, I think I might just be ready to sign over my first born child to the Colbert Nation. Seriously, I can think of no other accolade I could offer that would be worth it. Why exactly didn' t they offer Colbert the open Late Night spot instead of the talentless, "breaking-the-fourth-wall-is-my-only-bit" Jimmy Fallon? That's not a joke, thats a serious question.

Oh, and on the side note, my unborn child is a member of the Green Party. A solid Colbert upbringing should set that yet-to-be zygote straight.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm est on Comedy Central

The Ladies of the 2008 Summer Box-Office

Looking ahead to this Summer at the movies, there's plenty to look forward to. But in keeping with the percentage of boobs I am contractually obligated to keep on this blog (roughly 98%) compared to any other form of news or commentary, I'd thought I'd just throw out a few of the leading ladies appearing in this season's offerings. A lazy excuse, you say? Well, sir, I say that you have offended my honor. This shall be settled in the way of courtly gentlemen.... with a swine fight. That's right, you heard me. On the next morn, we shall meet upon the King's fields and do battle with live pigs. And victory, my friend, will never have smelt so.... bacon-y.

(Right - Cate Blancett from "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

.

.

(Gwyneth Paltrow from "Iron Man")

(Maggie Gyllenhaal from "The Dark Knight")

(Christina Ricci from "Speed Racer")

(Anne Hathaway from "Get Smart")

Speed Racer Blows

Speed Racer opened this weekend to pretty abismal reviews by both fans and critics. Thus far the film is running at 35% over at RottenTomatoes.com, and the most frequent comment seems to be summed up as follows: "Lots of bright, almost obnoxious colors, but no story, acting, or humor to speak of".

So, uh yeah.... if you're looking for an orgy of epilepsy, this movie was carved out of shit just for little old you. Otherwise, all other nerds read the "Wachowski Brothers" credit not in the first two "Matrix"-movies/"V for Vendetta" kind-of way. More like "The Matrix Revolutions" and "Bound" kind-of way. Alas, not all is lost, for I must admit that Christina Ricci is still adorably fuckable. Oooooh. Crass.

Seriously though, I will concede that casting her in an anime movie is pretty smart... considering I'm fairly certain she was drawn into life by a hentai artist.

Source (RottenTomatoes)...

Pictorial C*ckteasing

Eva Mendes, whose inate sexiness was not enough to save Ghost Rider, recently appeared in the Italian edition of Vogue, in which she poses for several topless pictures... kinda. I say "kinda" because its the artsy-sort of nudity that is only truly arousing to 12-year old boys and very, very sad older men. Not that I'm going to argue with celebrities baring their tats, regardless of the capacity in which they do so. But still, this is the kind of thing that seems more suited to an actress of higher-standing. I mean, we've already seen her rack... and its not like she's really at the top of the A-list, Oscar-nominated thespians out there (see: All About The Benjamins, co-starring Ice-Cube and Mike Epps).

Nevertheless, follow the link and have at look. Its a least worth that much. But let me say, after looking Ms. Mendes up on Wikipedia and seeing how adamant she was about not doing Playboy, this is the definition of pictorial cockteasing.
Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Splicers of the Caribbean

Variety is reporting that Gore Verbinski, probably best known for the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, has been tapped as the director for the forthcoming adaptation of BioShock. As you should know, and by "should" I mean "are required by law", BioShock was an incredibly successful first-person shooter game that came out early last fall. The game illustrates the story of an underwater eutopia-gone-wrong (oh, those eutopia's... do they ever go right?), reverting to gene splicing and drug addiction, before drifting into an all-out block-by-block war between its crazed citizens and its tyranical dictator, Andrew Ryan. Unlike many other FPS games, BioShock prided itself on an immersive, almost movie-like feel, and shocked critics and fans alike with its well-written storyline.

Hence... this should be good. I think thats what I was trying to say. Or, at the very least, CambodianMonk's inherent love of everything Verbinski-esque, combined with his vast nerdiness, will cause this news to literally rupture his cerebellum. And yes, that is a word.

Source (TunaFlix)...

First Look: Gears of War 2

An interesting tech demo came out recently for the long-anticipated Gears of War 2. Hosted by the game's principal creator, this demo actually turns out to be a rough, yet mouth-watering, sample of a level from the game's campaign mode. Note the degree by which the scale of fire-fights has been increased, i.e. thousands of Locust soldiers, Brumaks jumping in and out of the fight, and a massive human caravan cutting a swath through the destruction as the improved chainsaw-melee attack is shown off to the delight of fanboys everywhere. November should be interesting indeed.

Sweet Exploding Jesus!

"Finally" doesn't even begin to cover it. At long last, Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's cult-classic britcom, Spaced, is coming to the States on DVD boxset. For those of you who don't know, and obviously require "re-education", Pegg and Wright are best known for their films Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. Unfortunately, until now anyone who wanted to see their first true successful work had to purchase a bootlegged DVD off of eBay. But on July 22nd, you can get the whole bleeping thing in a proper, Region 1 formatted collection, including commentaries from Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino, comedians Patton Oswald and Bill Hader, and Juno-creator Diablo Cody.

Needless to say, this $50 is essentially already spent for me. I have nothing truly witty to add (do I ever? poop and boob jokes count, right? right?), so instead I will just command you to purchase this. I'm not suggesting, I'm instructing. Failure to comply will result in exile.... to the NEGATIVE ZONE! Bum bum bum! And such and so forth.

Just go buy it, alright?

Source (IWatchStuff...)

Whoreshoes and Hand Grenades

Elisha Cuthbert recently was caught frolicking on a tropical beach with new boyfriend, Dion Phaneuf. And who could blame the Flames for choking in the playoffs if this is what Phaneuf had to look forward to once the season was over. Honestly, I view the Stanley Cup as second only to the Lombardi Trophy in sports significance (and supercedes it in disgusting bodily-fluid count), but even I will admit that the Cup kinda looks like a pile of worm-ridden dog feces when compared to the this particular trophy to the left.

Additionally, we were all nearly privy to a delicious boob-popout during this excursion, only to have the dream snatched away from us by Ms. Cuthbert's irritating self-awareness. Nevertheless, this is probably the hottest I've seen her in quite some time, which leads one to believe that Sean Avery was ACTUALLY soiling her beauty with his goon-ery. In fact, Sean Av---OWWW! What the fu--?! Knock it off, SlapChicken! Is that a fucking cinderblock?! *smash...kersploosh*

Asshole. Excuse me, kids. Someone's a little sensitive about his New York Rangers at the moment, and now I have to collect my brains off the floor. Damn it. I just had these cleaned.

"As if a million voices cried out in pain... and were suddenly silenced..."

Scarlett Johansson, she of the impossibly perky breasts, is officially off the market, as she announced her engagement to actor Ryan Reynolds this week. The two have apparently been dating for some time, and now Reynolds has broken the collective heart of ten thousand fanboys... which if I remember my Necronomicon correctly will result in the summoning of Erishkigal, demon of perpetual virginity. Hence the "enchanted armor"* I am now wearing in preparation for my holy quest to permanently silence this abomination.

But before I do, let me just temper this argument with this fair point offered by my colleague, SlapChicken: how long do you really expect this girl to stay married to Van Wilder... if they actually end up getting married at all? Nothing against Reynolds, he's actually not half bad in a few of his movies, but we're talking about Scarlett Johansson here. I'm pretty sure we could create a charity for men to donate enough cash for Scarlett to flash her boobs on camera, and the resulting sum would be the equivilant of the combined GDP of every nation in South America. So take heart, young paladin, this time of darkness will pass in time.

* = Read "Enchanted Armor" as "Tinfoil Jockstrap, a Bicycle Helmet, and a Catcher's Chest Protector.

Grand Theft Auto IV

Grand Theft Auto IV was released this week, and has been universally acclaimed by genre critics across the board. Yours truly picked up a copy three days ago, and have yet to spent a single not-at-work moment doing anything else. Simply put, this game is...phenomenal.

What grabs your attention most, and right off the bat, is the attention to detail. As generic as this praise sounds, believe me: the little touches in this game are things you will be noticing for months and months to come. And all of it lends to a greater believability, which draws the player so deep into the experience that literally hours can fly by without one noticing. This game is not a reinvention of the Grand Theft Auto wheel, in fact I'd argue that it has decidingly less fringe gameplay content and complicated stat systems than its predecesor, GTA: San Andreas. But this is by no means a downgrade, as it feels alot more like they trimmed the unneccesary fat from the title, and instead beefed up everything that made the GTA series fun to begin with. I could try to continue doing this review, but honestly, I'm having trouble rounding it out with any form of negative comments I could think of. I'm not sure yet, but this game may be flawless.

Pro's
- Attention to Detail.
- Smooth Gameplay and Controls
- Everything from the previous installments has been improved in some way.
Con's
- Uh... maybe they could've added a Theater Mode... I guess....
- Will Destroy Your Current Relationship.
- You might accidentally starve yourself to death while on a week-long GTA bender.
Verdict : 10 out of 10.

HAARP

This is a few weeks old, but Muse came out with a new live DVD last month entitled HAARP. This CD-DVD set includes both a video and audio recording of their sold-out show at Wembley Stadium last year. As has been noted on this blog previously, the whole crew from Nerd Geyser (ugh... just typing that phrase makes me shudder) went to the Madison Square Garden show later that same summer, and needless to say it was punch-a-nun-in-the-face Awesome (with the noted capital "A"). If you have the chance, do yourself a favor and go out and grab this. Its like candy... for the ears.