Well, well, well. Let me just preface this post with applauding my colleague on his outstanding degradation and overall lambasting of a one Michael Vick. Football is a great sport and it's a shame that there are "people"(I use that term ever so loosely when speaking about this waste of life) out there like Vick who shame and embarrass it.
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Now, on to more pressing sports issues for the moment. Hockey! Ah, yes. The Canadian loved, American ignored, almost hundred year old sport that no one gives a horses boner about. Do not misconstrue these words though. This is a sport that I live and breathe for, come to think of it, it's a big part of the reason I'm a newly single man. For us "New Yawkah's" it's a love hate relationship. Meaning we love to hate our own teams and opposing fans just the same. Last season provided us all with some serious perspective.
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No matter how you cut it; The Sabres will always fail, at least until Buffalo is disbanded later on in the 21st century and re-named Chokesylvania. At which point they will become the greatest dynasty ever seen and win 2 cups in the same season. The Rangers will ALWAYS give you that one shining beam of hope that the impossible will happen, only to sit on your face blocking the beam and ultimately spray farting despair up your nose. The Islanders, well..... See now here's where it gets a bit touchy. The founder of this blog is a rabid fan of semi-fresh, hydrogenated, frozen fish squares and I'm a fan of the Rangers. An organization absolutely oozing class, or is that my withered, empty, hopeless dreams of not waiting another 54 years before something happens?
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The Isles or "Piles" as I so affectionately refer to them are truly in a time of absolute "what the fuck?". Yes, "what the fuck" is a measurement of time when referring to an AHL team in the NHL market. With half of their team declining high monetary offers to depart an work at "Julio's Emporium of landscaping and Churros", they are truly in a deep hole. With Jason Blake, Tom "Fuckin' Nerd!" Poti, Alexi "Cashin" Yashin, Richard Zednik, Ryan "Cap'n Canada" Smyth and Sean "Juice Head" Hill gone they're better off suiting up the first 23, drunk "Lon-guh Islan-Duh's" that show up to the home opener. The names mentioned are just a few, also. I know for a fact I'm forgetting someone, it's sad. Wait, no it's not! Muhahaha. Years of dealing with the "Chicken Dance", "If you're happy and you know it" have made me lose any and all, tiny, tiny, slivers of sympathy I've had for that "Organization". My retort. Things got so bad even Mike Milbury, the man who single handedly destroyed his own team, jumped ship. Within the next 5 years I expect the homeless man who hangs out in front of the Dunkin' Donuts in my town to be their GM and he'll sign Billy Ray Cyrus as the number one center for 37 years and 92 million per season.
Party on, Wang! Party on, Garth!
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On to the Buffalo Sabres. Well... "What can I say about Buffalo that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan? It's bombed out and depleted." It's a sad state of affairs in the "City of Disappointment". This is an organization that is always well coached and always puts a competitive team on the ice year in and year out. Alas, they are cursed by the very city they play in and for, ever re-visiting that fateful night. Buffalo hasn't seen a pro-sports championship since the early 30's when the now Atlanta Braves were the Buffalo Braves. How fitting is it though that once out of Buffalo the team finds success and ultimately a World Series Championship. This is actually a city I do sympathize with, I'll even go as far as to agree with my colleague that Dan Marino is not the greatest QB to NEVER win a Super Bowl, but Jim Kelly is. Yet, it looked as if last season the Sabres were going to break this everlasting curse. They tore up the standings and every team they played. They whooped the Isles and moved on to the Rangers. They even took a commanding 2-0 lead in the series only to bring it back to the Garden where the Rangers charged back to tie the series at 2-2. The Rangers then, following tradition lost hold of a game 5 well within their grasp in devastating fashion when Chris Drury tied the game with only 7.7 seconds remaining in regulation. Ultimately disposing of the Rangers in the next two games. The Sabres then went on to play another perennial choker in the Ottawa Senators. Here is where the Sabres demonstrate just how incredibly painful it is to live so close to Canada without actually being Canadian, oh, and being a fan of any team that starts with "Buffalo". The Sabres were manhandled in 5 games and the reality that "This is BUFFALO!!" set in.
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Buffalo Cont: After the realization that absolutely nothing good will ever happen in Buffalo, the team began to crumble. Co-Captains Chris "Captain Clutch" Drury and Daniel "Fruity Frenchman" Briere both accepted offers to play elsewhere. Drury accepted an offer to play downstate and signed with the NYR . Meanwhile Briere just went for an all together downgrade and signed in Philth-a-delphia. Philthy, a team built on being dirty and physical signed the equivalent of a whiny 10 year old who bitches and moans when others play too rough. Congrats, dirtbags, have fun with the little woman who's going to be playing for you for the next 8 years because of a no-trade clause. To top it all off Kevin "Lucifer" Lowe turned around and kicked an already wounded animal in Buffalo by throwing an amount that not even the 2002 New York Rangers would have matched at Thomas Vanek. 7.1 million for a player who is only going into his 3rd year and quite frankly, as good as he is, deserves nowhere near that type of money. He's third in goals amongst the 05-06 rookie class. Behind Alexander Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, but ahead of Petr Prucha rounding out the top four. Now take into account that Prucha at 52 goals in his first two seasons is only making 1.6 mil per season and Vanek, only ahead of Prucha by 12 goals at 64 is making 7.1. That averages in the area of 500k for each extra goal when compared. Now it's a case of "Holy over-payment, Batman!". Defeated, backed into a corner and with fans outside their home arena sporting pitchforks and torches the Sabres were forced to match the offer committing a massive chunk of their 50.3 million dollar cap space. The Sabres have succumbed to the power of nothingness in a place they call Buffalo.
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Guess what, fuckers? I still ain't done.
Stay tuned, the shocking conclusion is coming soon and I'll come to the realization that hockey is the one true ruiner of all things.
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Signed -SlapChicken - (He's back, bitches)
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