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Oh yeah, you remember the Power Rangers. And you definitely remember being the only kid on your block old enough to make crude sexual references to the Pink Ranger... references that you yourself barely understood. Example: "Hey man, I'd totally wash her out" or "I wish I could blow her!!" or something equally disturbingly hilarious. Isn't it funny how the statements we make which are adorably naive when young, become clear indicators of the worst kind of psychopath just a decade or two later? Nevertheless, lets remember the good times, before masturbation took over your entire life and ruined any chance you had of processing a halfway clean thought again for the remainder of your days. Example: right now, I'm wondering how many of the highlighters on my desk could fit in... you know what, just forget it.
Again, sometimes its necessary to give it to the pornstars. Wait, no, thats not what I meant. Wait (squared)! Thats exactly what I meant. For all the superficial praise offered up on this site to Jennifer Aniston and Natalie Portman, there is very little credit given to the girls that we are actually looking at when we spank it. I'm sure I could find plenty wrong with Jenna Haze. But everytime I start, I get sidetracked by watching her get double-teamed by two former members of the Oakland Raiders offensive line. And I do love football so.
Have you ever heard somebody tell you that "nobody's perfect"? Well, the next time they do just scream "What about Kate Beckinsale?!"... and then stand back and watch as they are utterly broken by your logic bomb... and by "logic bomb", I mean the cricket bat you just beat them about the brainpan with. That, my friends, is the REAL way to win friends and influence people. Suck on that, Tony Robbins..
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In Russia, a hot teenage celebrity is worth 6,000 rubles. But a hot, faux-bisexual teenage celebrity is worth one whole AMERICAN DOLLAR! Hence the marketing genius behind TaTu, who no one remembers anymore except for former-Soviet block nations... and me. Other things I have in common with the Soviet Union: a taste for drab outfits, brutalist statues all over my front yard, an instinctive distrust for Germans, and a penchant for exiling my enemies to cold, frozen wastelands. And anyone who thinks its hardly fair to compare stuffing neighborhood kids into the freezers over at 7-11 to the goulags of Siberia is only saving themselves a space between the Ben & Jerry's and the Hungry Man dinners.
Ah, Liz Vicious. Obviously, my weakness for pseudo-goth redheads is already well-documented. Pseudo-goth redheaded pornstars though?! Oh, yeah buddy. But let me take a moment to make a distinction here... namely between the terms "goth" and "emo". If you're ever confused how to tell the difference between the two, here's a nifty trick: while both look like miserable fucks, the goth kid is the one hanging out in the same basement for twenty years, buys his/her clothes at the Salvation Army and has a severe drinking/drug problem.The emo kid is the one with hanging in out in packs of twenty, buys his/her clothes at Hot Topic, and is constantly crying. Usually because they are being horribly beaten by their peers, or at least hopefully so. Another way, you ask? The goth kid's music makes you want to kill yourself. The emo kids music makes you want to kill them.
Some may misunderstand me. Ok, most will. But for all my use of masoginistic terminology on this site, I really don't hold anything against "promiscuous" women (that's what she said... zing!). Frankly, if I was a hot chick... well, that doesn't work because I'd just stay home all day. Not doing anything nasty, mind you. Just, you know, cooking for the kids and trying on a few new outfits. Wait, what?! Quick, put up a pornstar! Nikki Nova? Great! Yeah, so, umm.. lets go drink some Steel Reserve and go to tractor pull! Masculinity!
Oh yeah, you remember the Power Rangers. And you definitely remember being the only kid on your block old enough to make crude sexual references to the Pink Ranger... references that you yourself barely understood. Example: "Hey man, I'd totally wash her out" or "I wish I could blow her!!" or something equally disturbingly hilarious. Isn't it funny how the statements we make which are adorably naive when young, become clear indicators of the worst kind of psychopath just a decade or two later? Nevertheless, lets remember the good times, before masturbation took over your entire life and ruined any chance you had of processing a halfway clean thought again for the remainder of your days. Example: right now, I'm wondering how many of the highlighters on my desk could fit in... you know what, just forget it.
