The 5 Greatest Franchises in the NFL

#5... San Diego Chargers

- San Diego.... Super Chargers! Like many of my favorite teams, like all sports-fans, the San Diego Chargers find a place in my heart simply through the heroic actions of their individual players at a certain moment in time, which contributed to my overall love of football. L.T...... what more can I say? Tomlinson, no matter what theory you could postulate about the AFC Championship injury-controversy, LaDainian is the best running back in the game right now. But, beyond that, given a few more seasons, Tomlinson is the ONLY running back in the league at the moment that you can seriously consider for the title of best running back of ALL TIME. Granted, he's not there yet, but its a very serious possibility. Beyond that, they have the best recieving Tight End in the game's history, Antonio Gates. Its hard not to like the Chargers. And lets be frank... that powder blue jersey is fucking sweet.

#4... Green Bay Packers
- Never mind the history... never mind the lore of a team that plays in the most successful professional sports market on the planet, yet is owned by the citizens of a small, rural Wisconsin town that is techincally the smallest market in professional sports.... but look only at Brett Favre. I'm going to comment of Peyton Manning in a moment as the future "best Quarterback of All-Time", but let me say first that Brett Favre is the GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME... no quotes necessary. The Packers are impossible to hate for anyone besides Chicago, Minnesota and Detroit... and honestly, who gives a fuck about them? Chicago makes the Bronx look like Beverly Hills, the Vikings stole their colors from the Lakers and have the inate ability to cultivate a superstar player... only to send them away after a couple of years for eventual success with anothe team *cough* Moss... soon-to-be Peterson *cough*; and Detroit is a place that not even citizens of Detroit ever want to be. But the Packers are the epitamy of NFC Football. Guts, fight, balls. When Al Pacino performed his famous speech in "Any Given Sunday", he later claimed that he envisioned the Green Bay Packers whilst he was doing it. They are Football. They are Forever. And Favre is Thy God.

#3... Indianapolis Colts
- Honestly, how can you not like the Colts? They are like the protaganist of the NFL. They are the classiest organization in the league. You never hear shit-talk from any member of their franchise, and while they have only obtained one title yet, I predict at least two more before the elder Manning retires. And on the subject of the Peyton, let us just admit one thing to ourselves... on a pure, raw skill level... #18 is the best Quarterback to ever play the game. He operates an offense like no other... (although it should be noted by such a Buffalo-whore as I am that the audible-heavy no-huddle offense of the Colts has been done before... in the early 90's behind Jim Kelly)... and attacks secondary's with reckless abandon unseen before in the sports. No... I didn't forget Tom Brady when I said that... because I firmly believe that when playing each other, now, Peyton is the better single player, while Brady plays on the better overall team. Still, he's first round hall-of-fame, as is Marvin Harrison.. and probably will be Reggie Wayne... and probably Joseph Addai.... and maybe even Clark, too. And all of these people are going there because of two men: Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. And you can never take that ring away from them.

#1b... New York Football Giants
- Ok... this is very difficult. Speaking personally, when I was a child... I was raised as a hardcore Bills fan. I was born in Kenmore, NY.. which is approximately 3 miles from downtown Buffalo. But, in truth, I was raised in Long Island... where you have two choices of teams to root for.. the Jets or the Giants... and believe me.. the Jets were looking soooooo good after Scott Norwood's fifteen seconds of infamy... but eventually, Igrew a begrudging respect for the Giants. They were a punch-you-in-the-face team. They were never a dynasty... most years they were just as much of a disappoinment, if not more so, than the Bills... but they would always steal a huge game against the Eagles or Cowboys every year... a great "fuck-you!" moment was the true joy of the Giants fan for many-a-season... And by my late teens, I was hooked. So I can't place the Giants as a real number #2. Let me just explain that the only reason I place the Bills always first is simple, stupid loyality. The Giants have won a Super Bowl from time-to-time... but the Bills have not. But I'll leave the Bison-cocksucking for the next entry and just say this... no matter what happens in the upcoming Super Bowl... the New York Football Giants have so far provided me with the happiest sports moment of my entire life... by upsetting the Packers for the NFC Championship in overtime, after upsetting the hated-Cowboys in the divisional, after upsetting the Bucs in the Wild Card.... Whatever happens, I apologize, Eli. Now, I believe.

#1a... Buffalo Bills
- Just one. Just one Lombardi trophy before I die. Pleeeeeeeeaaassse. I love you Bruce Smith.

The 5 Most Shit-stained Franchises in the NFL

#5... Arizona Cardinals

- Since stealing the 1925 NFL Championship, in the most explicit and shamefully obvious display of infantiile-thievery in all of professional football history, the Cardinals have moved from the perennial last-place team of the NFC East in St. Louis, to the easily-forgettable first-round draft pick graveyard of Arizona. "Hooray! We have the best stadium in the NFL!..... But when do we start winning games?" The Cardinals stole their logo from a MLB team, and then proceeded to provide millions of Americans with an easy-win game for their own home team for decades to come. Keep holding your breath for Matt Leinart, Glendale... maybe one day you can watch him lead his team to a Super Bowl... in another city after you trade him for yet another wasted first round pick.

#4... Seattle Seahawks

- The Queens of Lawful Cheating in the NFL. If your team requires a multi-million dollar P.A. system to provide your so-called "12th Man", then you're better off going back to heralding yourself as grunge music's home than pretending to this shit. Let's be honest, Seattle, you are NOT a football town. You are SEATTLE! Drink some fucking coffee and shut the fuck up! You aren't going to win a Super Bowl. So shut up, turn off your P.A. system, and see how loud it is at Quest without it. Who cares, though? You'll still lose in the end.

#3... Philadelphia Eagles

- You don't even have fans, Phily. You have a large gathering of filthy-delphians who buy season tickets in order to hate you with every inch of their souls every single fucking year. Its sad when a fanbase celebrates their reputation for throwing snowballs at Santa. Even if the Eagles won the Super Bowl, which won't happen until you drop McNabb at the very least, you'd still throw feces on him during the victory parade. You celebrate being the worst fans in all of professional sports. You deserve everything that happens to your franchise.

#2... Dallas Cowboys

- "America's Team", huh? Well, if you mean the during the mid-90's, fair enough, I believe you. But remind me how many playoff games you've won since Emmitt Smith retired? Sorry? I couldn't quite hear you? Oh yeah, I forgot... Tony Romo is the future of the game, right? Oh...wait... didn't Eli Manning take his team further into the postseason than Romo ever dreamed? I'm sorry, Dallas, but you're city sucks so bad that every Texan I've ever met had told me that, while they are Cowboy fans, Dallas just plain sucks to even visit. Jesus Christ, in New York... our capital is Albany... and NOBODY outside of this state knows that... because the whole state is centered around New York City. But in Texas, its backwards. Their capital, Austin, is apparently bad-ass and well-reviewed by everyone... but Dallas hasn't done anything for Texas besides providing a large airport and a successful 1980's primetime drama... So get your popcorn ready, "Boy"-lovers, and then cry into a New York Football Giants NFC Championship t-shirt whilst you blame one of your own, ditsy, blonde, fantastically-endowed celebrities for all of your misery. And for the record, Jessica Simpson's tits are worth ten Dallas Cowboy franchises.

#1... New England Patriots

- I put the most ghetto version of the Pats logo up here on purpose. I was quite tempted to put up the ol' gay-ass tri-corner hat wearing, three-point stance bearing, tea-party faggot up instead... but ok, fine, I'll respect your 2000's dynasty enough to at least provide a shadow of your hated-legacy up here. But never before have I seen a more one-dimensional team in NFL history. Seriously, if Tom Brady doesn't play for you, you can't win. Its that simple. You lucked out this time with a late-draft pick. Congratulations. I'm still sure the Pittsburgh Steelers would take issue with your idiotic "best team of all time" claim. So ride the rest of Brady's career, confident in your mad-scientist Belichick... and share a beer with Cleveland when you wonder what went wrong after Brady retires... Pats Fan: "But Bill can't lose! He's a genius!" Browns Fan: "One winning season and thats it.... yes... he can lose."