I... Saw... Iron Man *Da Da Dadada, etc*

Alright, I finally got around to making decent use of my day off, and saw "Iron Man" yesterday. For those of you who have never tried it, there's something to be said for catching summer blockbusters at 3pm on a weekday with no one else in the theater. Who needs to be a celebrity, when all you need is an unorthodox work schedule at a dead-end, mind-shattering occupation to get your own private screening.

Ok, I stopped myself before this became an epic rant about how much I hate my job. Moving on, there's not much I can say about "Iron Man' except that its easily one of the better super-blockbusters in recent years. And all of this is owed almost purely to the talent of Robert Downey, Jr. Honestly, I think the vast majority of the public will be seeing Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark for a long, long time. And I don't mean that in any way to belittle Downey, Jr.'s previous work, and it should be pointed out that he has several roles in his past that are easily more challenging and therefore more engrossing... but the simple fact of the matter is Robert Downey, Jr IS Tony Stark.

The film is well-paced and thoroughly enjoyable. Even I, the most jaded of movie-goers, broke out in goosebumps several times throughout. The only issue I could raise with the movie is that Terrence Howard kinda looks like he mailed it in on this one... I get the impression they could've found someone better for the role. That being said, this accounts for 0.01% of the film, and no other real problem with the piece can be found, no matter how hard you look. All told, you should definitely see this movie. I'm not crowining it King of the Summer yet... but it has firmly established itself as the early contender to beat.

FINAL SCORE: 92 out of 100.

Pure, Uncut Genius

Stephen Colbert's genuis is a subject oft harped upon on this here "inter-net", and there is little I could contribute to this well-documented "eFact" other than to say I have always been in total agreement. But after watching the above clip, I think I might just be ready to sign over my first born child to the Colbert Nation. Seriously, I can think of no other accolade I could offer that would be worth it. Why exactly didn' t they offer Colbert the open Late Night spot instead of the talentless, "breaking-the-fourth-wall-is-my-only-bit" Jimmy Fallon? That's not a joke, thats a serious question.

Oh, and on the side note, my unborn child is a member of the Green Party. A solid Colbert upbringing should set that yet-to-be zygote straight.

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30pm est on Comedy Central

The Ladies of the 2008 Summer Box-Office

Looking ahead to this Summer at the movies, there's plenty to look forward to. But in keeping with the percentage of boobs I am contractually obligated to keep on this blog (roughly 98%) compared to any other form of news or commentary, I'd thought I'd just throw out a few of the leading ladies appearing in this season's offerings. A lazy excuse, you say? Well, sir, I say that you have offended my honor. This shall be settled in the way of courtly gentlemen.... with a swine fight. That's right, you heard me. On the next morn, we shall meet upon the King's fields and do battle with live pigs. And victory, my friend, will never have smelt so.... bacon-y.

(Right - Cate Blancett from "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

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(Gwyneth Paltrow from "Iron Man")

(Maggie Gyllenhaal from "The Dark Knight")

(Christina Ricci from "Speed Racer")

(Anne Hathaway from "Get Smart")

Speed Racer Blows

Speed Racer opened this weekend to pretty abismal reviews by both fans and critics. Thus far the film is running at 35% over at RottenTomatoes.com, and the most frequent comment seems to be summed up as follows: "Lots of bright, almost obnoxious colors, but no story, acting, or humor to speak of".

So, uh yeah.... if you're looking for an orgy of epilepsy, this movie was carved out of shit just for little old you. Otherwise, all other nerds read the "Wachowski Brothers" credit not in the first two "Matrix"-movies/"V for Vendetta" kind-of way. More like "The Matrix Revolutions" and "Bound" kind-of way. Alas, not all is lost, for I must admit that Christina Ricci is still adorably fuckable. Oooooh. Crass.

Seriously though, I will concede that casting her in an anime movie is pretty smart... considering I'm fairly certain she was drawn into life by a hentai artist.

Source (RottenTomatoes)...

Pictorial C*ckteasing

Eva Mendes, whose inate sexiness was not enough to save Ghost Rider, recently appeared in the Italian edition of Vogue, in which she poses for several topless pictures... kinda. I say "kinda" because its the artsy-sort of nudity that is only truly arousing to 12-year old boys and very, very sad older men. Not that I'm going to argue with celebrities baring their tats, regardless of the capacity in which they do so. But still, this is the kind of thing that seems more suited to an actress of higher-standing. I mean, we've already seen her rack... and its not like she's really at the top of the A-list, Oscar-nominated thespians out there (see: All About The Benjamins, co-starring Ice-Cube and Mike Epps).

Nevertheless, follow the link and have at look. Its a least worth that much. But let me say, after looking Ms. Mendes up on Wikipedia and seeing how adamant she was about not doing Playboy, this is the definition of pictorial cockteasing.
Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Splicers of the Caribbean

Variety is reporting that Gore Verbinski, probably best known for the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, has been tapped as the director for the forthcoming adaptation of BioShock. As you should know, and by "should" I mean "are required by law", BioShock was an incredibly successful first-person shooter game that came out early last fall. The game illustrates the story of an underwater eutopia-gone-wrong (oh, those eutopia's... do they ever go right?), reverting to gene splicing and drug addiction, before drifting into an all-out block-by-block war between its crazed citizens and its tyranical dictator, Andrew Ryan. Unlike many other FPS games, BioShock prided itself on an immersive, almost movie-like feel, and shocked critics and fans alike with its well-written storyline.

Hence... this should be good. I think thats what I was trying to say. Or, at the very least, CambodianMonk's inherent love of everything Verbinski-esque, combined with his vast nerdiness, will cause this news to literally rupture his cerebellum. And yes, that is a word.

Source (TunaFlix)...

First Look: Gears of War 2

An interesting tech demo came out recently for the long-anticipated Gears of War 2. Hosted by the game's principal creator, this demo actually turns out to be a rough, yet mouth-watering, sample of a level from the game's campaign mode. Note the degree by which the scale of fire-fights has been increased, i.e. thousands of Locust soldiers, Brumaks jumping in and out of the fight, and a massive human caravan cutting a swath through the destruction as the improved chainsaw-melee attack is shown off to the delight of fanboys everywhere. November should be interesting indeed.