The Best Video Games of All Time (cont'd)

#6... BioShock (Xbox 360)

- On the surface, BioShock appears to be no more than another first person shooter, with admitedly better-than-average graphics. But after the first few minutes, the player finds themselves drawn into an experience that is more a playable film than it is a game. Add to that the fact that its controls, and by extension its Gun vs. Plasmid combat system, are so unique and well-thought-out, that clearing the same room is never quite the same experience twice, and you already have found yourself a masterpiece.

But thats not where BioShock ends. Its story, of a libertarian society gone mad on a genetically-altering narcotic deep beneath the ocean, is well-paced, intriguing, and ultimately highly-satisfying. And then add the best voice acting in video game history. As you can tell, this is no title to be taken lightly.

And all of this, BioShock does without actually creating a new genre of gaming. In the end, it is the a purely single-player shooter. And while its innovative Plasmid feature is creative, one certainely cannot say that its an idea that hasn't been played with before (for what science-fiction shooter these days doesn't offset an arsenal of personal weapons with an available plethora of supernatural powers). But none of this takes away from the game, because simply put, BioShock is everything we loved about those games, now executed to perfection. "Don't be a slow-poke, Mr. B... Angels won't wait for slow-pokes."

#7... Half-Life 2 (PC, Xbox, Xbox 360)

- The fact the most nerds would be screaming over how low I've placed Half-Life 2 on this list is enough of an argument to its impact. But, beyond that, one could still argue that developer, Valve, reinvented the wheel with the much hallowed physics engine this game produced, one that has seen countless mods and eventually an entire 4-game expansion pack based purely on its genuis.

The fact that its story is... well.. kinda shitty as far the science fiction genre goes, does nothing to detract from its overall brilliance. Hell, the very fact that it introduced me to the term "Resonance Cascade" is enough to take my hat off to. But the real artistic strongpoint of this game is the fact that, despite the lackluster and ill-explained storyline, the way the game paces its use of said story actually makes you care... ALOT.

A pioneer in the realm of transforming video games into film experiences, later perfected by the entry above, Half-Life 2 managed to literally transform the entire game into an interactive cutscene. Add to that the enclusion of quite-possibly the best shooter weapon of all time, the Gravity Gun, and you have yourself quite a heafty package to deal with here. Well done, Mr. Freeman. Well done, indeed.

The Best Video Games of All Time

Yes.... there has been quite the break in posting. Unemployment and alcoholism can do that to a guy. But, barring the usual self-indulgent excuses, I thought I'd throw up the most nerdy of lists... the opinion of one, humble, vagina-bereft, young man with far too much free time on his hands. And thus follows my own, Keinada-esque, opinion of the best Video Games thus far produced...






#1... Halo 3 (Xbox 360)
- Never to be taken lightely, Bungie execute the status quo, with years of development whilst a hundred billion nerds waited with bated breath for the final installment in the Halo saga... and, unlike with Halo 2, were not dissapointed in the least.


Halo 3 doesn't nessecarily introduce you to a brand new gameplay experience, instead it pushes the flint closer to the flame, as the inarguably best First Person Shooter of all time, Halo, is refined and perfected in a way even the most hardcore of fans couldn't have prayed for in their wildest dreams. An immensely engrossing story, backed by a surprisingly solid Single Player, completes the Halo Arc with a satisfying conclussion, while allowing a slim doorway for future installments.. a feat that any fiction writer will tell you is nigh-impossible to successfully pull off. That alone is noteworthy, but the continued improvement of a Multiplayer experience that is unrivaled in all other Video Game history settles the debate for any true gaming nerd that Halo is, in fact, the pinnacle of what Video Games have thus far achieved.


Infinitely addictive, and infuriating, Halo 3 is more Sport than it is Video Game. Add the incredibly intuitive extras of the Forge and Theater modes, and you get something that is more than just a Game. Halo 3 is the summit of Everest when it comes to modern entertainment. Any player who gas devoted more than a few moments of time to it already finds him or herself identifying with the human tank that is the Master Chief, Spartan-117 "John", and is pulled into an experience that can only be imitated, but never equaled. Halo 3... is simply "it".




#2... Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube, PS2, Wii)
- Capcom reinvented the Survival Horror genre, and revitalized the forgotten 3rd Person Shooter, with its jaw-dropping effort in R.E. 4. A franchise that had grown stale through its billion incarcnations, Resident Evil 4 revived the fan favorite character of Leon Kennedy, and secured him a soft place in all of our hearts, by setting him against a throughouly disturbing rural, Spanish province in this seminal work.



A completely revised combat system helped Resident Evil 4 distinguish itself from its already admirable forefathers, by bringing the the sheer fun on shooting zombies back into the game. Where once combat had been something to simply deal with between complicated, and sometimes ill-explained, puzzles, the Fourth installment made combat itself the most enjoyable part of the game. And, on top of that, suddenly the age-old Resident Evil problem of confusing, and walkthrough-begging, puzzles was solved simultaneously, with new challenges that ACTUALLY kinda made sense. Add to that a compelling story and a fair degree of unlockable content, the replay of this title is incomprable to any other purely single-player experience on the radar.


And, on top of that, its still very, fucking scary. Go figure. Although any Resident Evil fan will always appreciate the fact that, yet-again, uber-zombie, genetically altered, game-ending psychopaths seem only vulnerable to a red-painted rocket, aimed vaguely towards their 180 degrees of the screen. All hail Leon Scott Kennedy.





#3... Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight (PC)
- The oldest game on the list, Dark Forces II was as revolutionary as its forefather, which introduced the concept of JUMPING to the 1st person shooter, with the then-innovative tactic of making one's morality actually effect the ultimate outcome of the game's storyline. Beyond that landmark alone, Jedi Knight was the first, and still arguably best, game to give the player the abilites of the nerd-trademark Force within gameplay. If that wasn't enough in itself, it still managed to bring the most famous non-ranged weapon of all time, the Lightsaber, to the gamers hands, and balanced it well enough (if simplistically) to make it the bane of any run-and-gun gamer for the rest of time.


Add to all of these innovations the fact that Jedi Knight offered the first live-aciton Star Wars sequences seen since "Return of the Jedi" in the then-still pre-Phantom Menace days, and you have a literal geek orgasm in the form of a Video Game. To so many gamers, Kyle Katarn almost overshadowed Luke Skywalker on their first day of gameplay. A complelling storyline, which still stands as the best non-movie tale, this game roped you in and never let go until the final cutscene rolled.











#4... Gears of War (Xbos 360)

- Anyone's complaint of how short Gears' single-player campaign is, is merely evidence of how much that person just wanted some more. The only game that advertised itself as a "Halo-killer", and yet couldn't be laughed at for that boast, is enough to make Gears noteworthy. But, even if alot of its noticably influenced by the under-the-radar "Killswitch", Gears is a completely different take on the shooter genre. Granted, its 3rd-person, but its tactical use of cover and careful, strategic tactics have invented and entirely new brand of shooter-gaming: the "Tact-shooter".

Its single-player is enrapturing. The only complaint anyone had ever had is that they simply.... want.. MORE! The fact that its PC incarnation sold platnum largely due to one extra mission packaged with it is enough to prove that point. But beyond that, Gears provides a Multiplayer experience unlike any other game out there. Single-handedly, we may one day look back at the console wars, and mark Gears as the moment that Microsoft stabbed Sony in the heart.

God knows what is going on with the much-anticipated sequel, but should Gears of War stand alone for all time, all of us will still have to at least pause a moment when someone askes us who would win in a fight: Marcus Fenix or Master Chief. Granted, the answer is the Chief.. but the fact that we have to pause to think about it for a moment is enough to show you how much respect the Gears have earned.




#5... God of War II (PS2)
- Released in an age where the PS3 and 360 were already doing battle, God of War 2 managed to top any sales record by either system... and on a last-generation system no less! Despite what creator, Dave Jaffe, could ever claim, God of War continued its tradition of taking the new, button-masher genre pioneered by Devil May Cry, and put it to shame, with a gameplay experience arguable unrivaled elsewhere. Kratos, Kratos, Kratos, how can I count the ways I love thee? This game is the unadulterated definition of "bad-assery".

Building on the exact foundation of its forebearer, God of War 2 is the only game ever to feel like you're literally playing the second installment of a trilogy. Its story and cutscenes are engrossing, and play to the fans of the series at every level. Its puzzles are challenging, and delightfully offest the freneic combat inbetween. This game is like Greek mythology on PCP, even including the ever-popular group-sex mini games of its parent. And all the while you cannot help but take it completely seriously, as the pacing of the storyline is melodramtic, yet-never alienating.

A masterpiece of art, as well as gaming, God of War 2 trumps its predescesor, if that was even possible. Kratos has become a legend in his own right. And any doubers need merely watch is Blades of Athena bisect a few foes to find themselves agreeing that here they have found something uniquely magical.

#'s 6 through 10 will shortly follow, barring unforeseen, and albiet much-sought for real-life intrusions.

Obvious Slacking.

As anyone who frequents this poor excuse for a sight has realized, there has been some serious slacking in the new posts department. First, lemme just say if you actually are a frequent reader, Thanks! Also, this makes you a far more sad being than even I. The lack of content is due to the fact that the founder of this blog, myself and another contributor are currently working on an undisclosed project entitle "Chinese Harvest".

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It'll be about the acient and ongoing war between asian farmers and the fight for land to plant their crops. "Is he kidding, is he kidding. I dunno", bear with us and we will appease your apettite for nonsense soon enough.

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-SlapChicken-

Lopez Baby Comes Out of Closet... of Existence!

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are reportedly preparing to "officially" announce her pregnancy as per several sources. But the real story here is how thankful we all should be that this is happening now, in 2007, as opposed to say 2001. Elsewise, we would be literally drowned in a flood of jokes about how huge this yet-to-be infant's ass will be and/or if the father of this child is, infact, Ms. Lopez's tremedous ass. You could try to fun in terror, but a flood of mediocre stand-up comedians would come crashing down the city streets ala the spreading firestorm in Independence Day. Run! Carlos Mencia! Save yourselves before the phrase "beaner baby" destroys us all!

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Also, I'm fairly certain Sarah Silverman would show up and take the high road by finding a way to blend a huge ass joke with an abortion joke. And half the country would claims it was clever, and the other half would start calling for her head. And me? Oh, I'm sorry, I was kinda staring at her tits. What was she saying? Something about her tits right? Right?

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

It Must Be Summer (Anna Kournikova)

Didn't Anna Kournikova used to play tennis? I'm fairly certain she was a mediocre professional tennis player at one point. That is before she gave it all up for the dazzling career of appearing in ONE Enrique Iglesias video, where you were "romanced" in a women's bathroom in the way only beauty-marked latinos can. Regardless, I can't fault her for her only current discernible talent: facemelting Russian piece of ass-ery. So here's Anna Kournikova, approximatley two years away from appearing in BangBros videos, and six years from going through the change Russian women know as "hag-ifying", going from the appearance of an 18 year old to a 64 year old in the timespan of about 16 minutes on the night of your 28th birthday.

Hating Historical Hotness

Fuck you, Eric Bana. Why don't you go throw some tanks with Ang Lee or something? Instead, you've gotten the opportunity to lay your grubby hands upon two of the hottest women on this planet, in this or any generation. I know you were pretty badass in Munich, but avenging Israeli Olympians is no justification for this. Yes, dear children, my petty jealousy knows no bounds, and today those boundless horizons are compelling me to drug Eric Bana and then skin his Portman and Johansson-touching hands so that I might graft said skin to my penis. Doubt me not. This all makes perfect sense to me, and is the only rational recourse.
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Of course, I suppose I could forgoe the violence and just ask Mr. Bana politely for a handjob. Then again, I'm sure he has a busy schedule. But maybe if I promised to wrap it up quickly, and gave him the old puppy dog eyes, we might be able to reach (around?) a compromise. Wait. How did this story about Natalie and Scarlett become a homoerotic cry for help to Eric Bana? Sometimes, I think I'd be better of by just spending the next few hours slowly digging out a hole in the middle of my forehead with a Swiss Army knife. And when the random passerby should ask me what I'm doing, I can simply reply: "Brain Whittlin', my friend. Brain Whittlin'."
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Exhibits A and B in The People vs. Eric Bana....

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That baby's gonna have alot of neckties and wife-beaters...

Some whispers flying around the net today that Canadian judge-this-book-only-by-its-cover singer, Avril Lavigne, and her husband, that guy from SUM-41 who spells his name too oddly for me to care enough to write it, are quietly expecting their first child. Doesn't all of this make you feel a little old? Shit, I remember when Avril was considered jailbait.... to me.... and that was less than four fucking years ago. I haven't bothered to look up her actual age, but she can't be more than five years younger than me... tops. And yet, when reproducing is about ten more years down the line, if all goes according to plan, yet another couple-years past legal chick is going to ruin herself in the hopes of providing herself.... life fulfillment.... ugh. Fuck that noise. Shallow, empty hedonism for me, baby. Its the only thing that distracts me from the sounds of my own constant tears.

Eva's Genital Winter

I held off on this one for a few days, but alot of buzz was flying around the net in the past few weeks about a forthcoming Eva Longoria sex tape, filmed with husband, Tony Parker. Well, the tape hit earlier this week, much to the chagrin of almost every heterosexual male who owns a computer. Apparently, Longoria's tape was a spoof of the recent fad of leaked celebrity sex-capades, made for Will Ferrell's Funny-Or-Die website. While it isn't really that funny, no more than an occasional strained smile, I will give her credit for headfaking literally the entire blogosphere. But minus two points for catalyzing the largest outbreak of blue balls this year. Furthermore, minus another six points for not doing so before me in person, so I could give her the old "C'mon, baby, you can't leave me like this... I might go sterile... or die... " argument. And before you laugh at that (provided anybody laughs at my sense of humor... ever.), you should know that such an argument works surprisingly well in real life. Its right up there next to "Just the tip, I promise, just to see how it feels..." Ah, remember guys, if she's already naked and in your bed, she's apt to do just about damn near anything. God bless America.

Aforementioned Longoria "Sex" Tape (FunnyOrDie)....

It Must Be Summer (Alyson Hannigan)

Alyson Hannigan was spotted on the beach recently with husband, and fellow Buffy/Angel alum, Alexis Denisof. Now, I'm sure there's plenty of you out there that wonder why I'd be so infatuated with this girl. And those people would be what medical science would call: "totally fucking retarded". Seriously, there's just something about her that is transfixing. I'm sure the Joss Whedon-credits don't hurt, either. In either case, here's a few shots of my personal favorite redhead out in the ol' two piece, plus a few to remind you a hotness past. I'm like Charles Dickens, bitch. Ass, ass, titties, titties.

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Photoshoots...

Aforementioned Bikini Candids..

Charisma Carpenter is Alive.

Well, Donald Trump seems to be reaching just as far with his new season of The Apprentice as he once did with purporting his falsified personal net-worth. In classic reality T.V. form, this season will be the "Celebrity Apprentice" season, with contestants competing for charity and the title of "Best Business Brain". Earlier this month, it was announced that former Buffy and Angel star, Charisma Carpenter, had signed on, and now other contestants such as Tony Hawk, Jeff Gordan and Carmen Electra are rumored to appear.

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Can the first challenge be timing how fast Tony Hawk can beat Jeff Gordan to death with his skateboard? Otherwise, I'm fairly certain Charisma's and Carmen's marketing techinique of public, uncensored H.L.A.* will be fairly unstoppable.

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* - If you don't know what "H.L.A." means, then thank god that you obviously don't watch pro wrestling.

Full Story....