Lopez Baby Comes Out of Closet... of Existence!

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are reportedly preparing to "officially" announce her pregnancy as per several sources. But the real story here is how thankful we all should be that this is happening now, in 2007, as opposed to say 2001. Elsewise, we would be literally drowned in a flood of jokes about how huge this yet-to-be infant's ass will be and/or if the father of this child is, infact, Ms. Lopez's tremedous ass. You could try to fun in terror, but a flood of mediocre stand-up comedians would come crashing down the city streets ala the spreading firestorm in Independence Day. Run! Carlos Mencia! Save yourselves before the phrase "beaner baby" destroys us all!

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Also, I'm fairly certain Sarah Silverman would show up and take the high road by finding a way to blend a huge ass joke with an abortion joke. And half the country would claims it was clever, and the other half would start calling for her head. And me? Oh, I'm sorry, I was kinda staring at her tits. What was she saying? Something about her tits right? Right?

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

It Must Be Summer (Anna Kournikova)

Didn't Anna Kournikova used to play tennis? I'm fairly certain she was a mediocre professional tennis player at one point. That is before she gave it all up for the dazzling career of appearing in ONE Enrique Iglesias video, where you were "romanced" in a women's bathroom in the way only beauty-marked latinos can. Regardless, I can't fault her for her only current discernible talent: facemelting Russian piece of ass-ery. So here's Anna Kournikova, approximatley two years away from appearing in BangBros videos, and six years from going through the change Russian women know as "hag-ifying", going from the appearance of an 18 year old to a 64 year old in the timespan of about 16 minutes on the night of your 28th birthday.

Hating Historical Hotness

Fuck you, Eric Bana. Why don't you go throw some tanks with Ang Lee or something? Instead, you've gotten the opportunity to lay your grubby hands upon two of the hottest women on this planet, in this or any generation. I know you were pretty badass in Munich, but avenging Israeli Olympians is no justification for this. Yes, dear children, my petty jealousy knows no bounds, and today those boundless horizons are compelling me to drug Eric Bana and then skin his Portman and Johansson-touching hands so that I might graft said skin to my penis. Doubt me not. This all makes perfect sense to me, and is the only rational recourse.
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Of course, I suppose I could forgoe the violence and just ask Mr. Bana politely for a handjob. Then again, I'm sure he has a busy schedule. But maybe if I promised to wrap it up quickly, and gave him the old puppy dog eyes, we might be able to reach (around?) a compromise. Wait. How did this story about Natalie and Scarlett become a homoerotic cry for help to Eric Bana? Sometimes, I think I'd be better of by just spending the next few hours slowly digging out a hole in the middle of my forehead with a Swiss Army knife. And when the random passerby should ask me what I'm doing, I can simply reply: "Brain Whittlin', my friend. Brain Whittlin'."
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Exhibits A and B in The People vs. Eric Bana....

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That baby's gonna have alot of neckties and wife-beaters...

Some whispers flying around the net today that Canadian judge-this-book-only-by-its-cover singer, Avril Lavigne, and her husband, that guy from SUM-41 who spells his name too oddly for me to care enough to write it, are quietly expecting their first child. Doesn't all of this make you feel a little old? Shit, I remember when Avril was considered jailbait.... to me.... and that was less than four fucking years ago. I haven't bothered to look up her actual age, but she can't be more than five years younger than me... tops. And yet, when reproducing is about ten more years down the line, if all goes according to plan, yet another couple-years past legal chick is going to ruin herself in the hopes of providing herself.... life fulfillment.... ugh. Fuck that noise. Shallow, empty hedonism for me, baby. Its the only thing that distracts me from the sounds of my own constant tears.

Eva's Genital Winter

I held off on this one for a few days, but alot of buzz was flying around the net in the past few weeks about a forthcoming Eva Longoria sex tape, filmed with husband, Tony Parker. Well, the tape hit earlier this week, much to the chagrin of almost every heterosexual male who owns a computer. Apparently, Longoria's tape was a spoof of the recent fad of leaked celebrity sex-capades, made for Will Ferrell's Funny-Or-Die website. While it isn't really that funny, no more than an occasional strained smile, I will give her credit for headfaking literally the entire blogosphere. But minus two points for catalyzing the largest outbreak of blue balls this year. Furthermore, minus another six points for not doing so before me in person, so I could give her the old "C'mon, baby, you can't leave me like this... I might go sterile... or die... " argument. And before you laugh at that (provided anybody laughs at my sense of humor... ever.), you should know that such an argument works surprisingly well in real life. Its right up there next to "Just the tip, I promise, just to see how it feels..." Ah, remember guys, if she's already naked and in your bed, she's apt to do just about damn near anything. God bless America.

Aforementioned Longoria "Sex" Tape (FunnyOrDie)....

It Must Be Summer (Alyson Hannigan)

Alyson Hannigan was spotted on the beach recently with husband, and fellow Buffy/Angel alum, Alexis Denisof. Now, I'm sure there's plenty of you out there that wonder why I'd be so infatuated with this girl. And those people would be what medical science would call: "totally fucking retarded". Seriously, there's just something about her that is transfixing. I'm sure the Joss Whedon-credits don't hurt, either. In either case, here's a few shots of my personal favorite redhead out in the ol' two piece, plus a few to remind you a hotness past. I'm like Charles Dickens, bitch. Ass, ass, titties, titties.

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Photoshoots...

Aforementioned Bikini Candids..

Charisma Carpenter is Alive.

Well, Donald Trump seems to be reaching just as far with his new season of The Apprentice as he once did with purporting his falsified personal net-worth. In classic reality T.V. form, this season will be the "Celebrity Apprentice" season, with contestants competing for charity and the title of "Best Business Brain". Earlier this month, it was announced that former Buffy and Angel star, Charisma Carpenter, had signed on, and now other contestants such as Tony Hawk, Jeff Gordan and Carmen Electra are rumored to appear.

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Can the first challenge be timing how fast Tony Hawk can beat Jeff Gordan to death with his skateboard? Otherwise, I'm fairly certain Charisma's and Carmen's marketing techinique of public, uncensored H.L.A.* will be fairly unstoppable.

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* - If you don't know what "H.L.A." means, then thank god that you obviously don't watch pro wrestling.

Full Story....

America loves a sharp chin and altered nose.

Jennifer Aniston has been rated as the most profitable face of the supermarket celebrity weekly magazines. As per a recent report, Ms. Aniston's real, or more commonly imagined, drama is the biggest moneymaker for several publications, including US Weekly and Star. Just one question. I'm not taking anything away from the hotness of Jennifer Aniston, especially since that hotness remains despite her slowly approaching middle age, but has this girl done... ANYTHING lately? She was in that Vince Vaughn movie earlier this year, but since then the only thing I've ever heard about her is celebrity gossip. Do you get to a point in Hollywood these days when you don't have to act anymore to be famous? Perhaps its just because you're playing the part of "Jennifer Aniston, the hottest lonely woman in the world!" every fucking day. Though, if that were the truth, Aniston would've committed suicide months ago. She is a method actor, after all.

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

Cause and Effect

Alright, I'm about a day late with this, but since the remainder of the blogosphere (*shudder* I hate that word *shudder*) is beating it to death, let me jump on the dog pile. Danny Bonaduce, an inspiration to us all, was at the Fox Reality TV Awards the other night, and was goaded by Adrianne Curry to jump on stage and play representative of the people to a one Johnny Fairplay, informing him of just how strongly he sucks as a person. Fairplay, who is best known for lying about a dying grandmother to stay on Big Brother, then waited until Bonaduce turned around to leave, before jokingly leaping upon his back. Bonaduce, being Bonaduce, thought he was being assaulted, and proceeded to throw the 120-lbs Fairplay over his back, in an admitedly sick wrestling manuver fashion to be honest, resulting in ol' Johnny faceplanting on a nearby chair. He lost several teeth, and somehow broke a toe in the incident.

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Summary: Hot Slut tells Roid Rage Jerk to belittle Obnoxious Skinny Douche Bag. Roid Rage Jerk complies. Obnoxious Skinny Douche Bag behaves like a Obnoxious Skinny Douche Bag. Roid Rage Jerk behaves like Roid Rage Jerk. Hot Slut has sex with me. Everything in its right place.

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Be sure to check out the video of the incident through the link. Too lazy to embed it myself. Don't judge me.

Full Story and Video (TheSuperficial)...