Tifa Lockhart's Necessary Breast Reduction

Some rumblings out of Japan this afternoon, as whispers of a deal in the works to produce a Final Fantasy VII-based live-action movie are starting to circulate. Far from conclusive, several insiders have suggested that Sony and SquareSoft are speaking with several American movie studios about licensing this brand for the aforementioned transistion of the most popular of the Final Fantasy series. Also, it is rumored that Rachael Leigh Cook is already being looked at to play the part of "Tifa Lockhart", whose voice she provided in the CGI-based Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children film, and due to her being a supposed fan of the series. While Cook certainly doesn't quite match Tifa's... anatomy, the fact that she is a different breed of insanely hot is more than compensation.

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Considering I have only seen the supposed "sources" for this story on fanboy message boards, I really can't trust this one. First off, why? Final Fantasy is already plugging away at the CGI genre of film. And since the style of the games lend themselves much more to such a medium, I find it hard to imagine why Sony or SquareSoft would make such a financial gamble. That being said, VII is the only installment of the series that I actually played, and if I may (and believe me, the lack of things to do at my job today very much believe that I indeed "may") I'd like to throw out my suggestions for the other female parts of the supposed movie.

Tifa Lockhart ....... Rachael Leigh Cook

Aerith Gainsborough ...... Michelle Trachtenberg

Yuffie Kisaragi ....... Summer Glau

Hayek Gives Birth; Earth's Destruction Averted

Salma Hayek, Mexico's contribution to the collective human gene pool, gave birth to a baby girl, with her French businessman fiance yesterday. The child, Valentina Paloma Pinault, is Hayek's first child. The new parents are planning to wed in the near future.

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Wooo. *wipes brow* That was a close one. Seriously, scientists should've stepped in earlier and warned Ms. Hayek that her pregnancy, more specifically the additional mass acrued by her her already tremendous breasts, could've caused the Moon to slip out of its traditional orbit due to the gravatic shift of such enormous twin satellites suddenly exerting force upon it. Inevitably, our lunar sister would've been drawn to Salma's ridiculous pregnancy tats, eventually crashing into Earth's atmosphere and setting it ablaze. Thankfully, now they will only attract heterosexual men once more, which are far less likely to achieve combustion of the atmosphere. Except for me, of course, cause I'm always blazing. Like Buffalo Wing Doritos, motherhugger. Count it.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Spring Break '08 - Neptune

Scientists in Paris released a report today documenting their recent study on the most distant planetary object in our solar system, Neptune. In said report, they have discovered that Neptune's south pole is actually in a state of consistent warming. The planet, which has a slow, off-center orbit, has been tilted on its axis so that the south pole directly faces the sun for the last 40 years, resulting in a 18 degree temperature spike in that particular area. The remainder of the planet is estimated at an average of 320 degrees below zero for the rest of its 165 year orbital cycle.
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And why do I care, you ask? Because this means NASA is getting a little too close to discovering the location of where I've secreted Vanessa Lengies for the past few months. Looks like somebody shut some mouths over in faire Paris. My interplanetary, pre-general fame actress harem cannot be compromised. Where else will E.T. get his space prostitutes if not from me? I've got various, debatable forms of intelligence coming in from across the Milky Way to visit the Neptune Bunny Ranch. Sorry, French scientists. Business is business. And space prostitutes are the most important business there is.

Full Story (CNN)...

Plantiff seeking Immortality in Compensation

--V.S.--

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A Nebraska State Senator, Ernie Chambers, recently sued God, Him/Herself, on the grounds of "making terrorist threats, inciting fear and widespread destruction upon millions and millions of Earth's inhabitants". Chambers, an eccentric agnostic who claimed to have filed the lawsuit to prove a point about how easy it is to file frivolous lawsuits, was surprised, however, to find that his suit was answered... but someone claiming to be "God". This "God" filed papers with the State Supreme Court of Nebraska in which He/She claimed to be "immune to Earthly laws and as such was not under the Nebraska legal system's jurisdiction". No one has claimed responsibility for the paperwork yet, and most are slyly claiming that the documents appeared suddenly with no human being to account for them.
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Honestly, this is one time that I can't chose whose side to take: the sacred or the secular. Not that I believe in the sacred by any stretch of the imagination, but both sides seem to have accrued equal irreverance points. Yet again, my soft-spotted children, the lesson is that humor is the key to debate. But the more pressing question here would be why is Morgan Freeman suing his own character from Bruce Almighty. It kinda negates the jurisdiction argument when the lawsuit against God was, in fact, filed against Himself. Is this part of that whole "divine mystery of the Holy Trinity" thing? The Holy Spirit taking the Son to court for a traffic collision? The Father countersuing the Holy Spirit for defamation? Me getting struck by lightining immediately upon finishing this post? Ha. Not likely. That God fella can't shoot for shit, and I'm just too fast for the old man. Too sexy, as well.
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Pictured left and right above, the aforementioned Morgan Freeman look-a-like, and the Alpha and Omega's current avatar. (For those left wondering, Natalie Portman is actually the physical avatar of a being much stronger than the one you and I know as "God". And that being's name... is Michael Jordan. Space Jam Bitch!)

Full Story (CNN)...
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A few more idols of God, ahem, Alessandra Ambrosio..

PWNED!

Oh, look, a good QB. On the heels of the McGag comments/fiasco the media did the only right thing, yet obligatory by circumstance due to their lack of morals and respect for other players. They interviewed any black Quarterback they could find. Most of the sentiments were the same; "That's his opinion." "It's not about black or white". Although one Young African-American QB had a bit more to add then just your run of the mill, cliche response.

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When interviewed Vince stated;

To play quarterback in the NFL, Vince Young said you must have
thick skin and it doesn’t matter if it’s black or white.



“That is his opinion. I really feel like myself, black or white quarterbacks, we all go through something because that is the life of a quarterback,’’ Young said Wednesday. “You have to be able to handle all the pressure and you have to be able to handle the losses and you have to be able to handle the media saying this about you.“If you can’t handle it, then you have to get off that position and go play something else.’’

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Ooooooooooh. Daaamn, son! You gonna let him talk to you like that? You gonna let him do that? Hahaha! This is great. Vince Young just verbally dropped trou' and pinched off a rose bud right in McNabb's mouth. He's right, one hundred percent, again the problem lies in Donovans willingness to thoroughly and unabashedly blow. Hard. It's not the color of your skin, It's the inaccuracy of your slant and post passes.

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-SlapChicken-

Keinada's Top 100

After several weeks of revisions, and still requiring several corrections as of this posting, here is my anal-retentively organized list of the top 100 most beautiful women on this planet. Bear in mind, all of this is pure opinion, and admitedly debatable. That being said, fuck you. If your opinion differs from mine, then thats the first sign that yours is incorrect. You probably should write that down. You wil see this material again.
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I'm sure you could've already guessed whose at #1...

Keinada's Top 100

Fictional Lesbian Incest... Well, the Incest part, at least.

Reports are coming in this morning regarding Maureen McCormick's, better known as the original Marcia Brady, new autobiography in which she details a lesbian relationship she briefly had with Eve Plumb, the actress who played Marcia's younger sister Jan. Which is... hot. Like nuclear holocaust hot. Like Denzel Washington saying "nuclear holocaust" hot.

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However, as you can tell from above, I'm just going to neatly substitute Maureen McCormick in this story for Christine Taylor, as she played Marcia in the Brady Bunch Movie. And because Christine Taylor being a major dyke is alot better than Maureen McCormick. Not because of the age thing; anyone who knows me knows that me and the hoover carpet cleaners are like this, son. Actually, it gots more to do with the fact that I wish to see Ben Stiller's heart broken. He knows why.

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Read the full, and slightly-less titilating story through the link. And tune in later this week for more SEXUALLY CONFUSED TV STARS OF THE 70's! On the next episode, Willis and Mr. Drummond attend a NAMBLA meeting.

Full Story (Celebitchy)...

Bundchen Attains Asgard Technology

Giselle Bundchen has released her new line of.... sandals? Really, this ad is for sandals? Alright. Anyways, aforementioned Brazillian hotness-fount is promoting said footwear with this nifty campaign featuring a CGI-ed dress made of water. Which leads me to two conclussions: 1) This picture would be exactly 11x better if taken from the perspective of one second later when gravity takes hold, or 2) Giselle has discovered force-field technology. Either way, thats one fucking awesome theoretical dress. Can someone get scientists on this one right away? I don't care what kind of epic cancer research we have to take them away from. Nothing is more important than developing the technology to design, produce and distribute this miracle dress. Call me crazy now, call me Uber-Einstein at the next Golden Globes red carpet.

Goddess of War

Hayden Panettierre reportedly threatened to "kill" a staff member of US Weekly on the red carpet recently. The bad blood was apparently caused by a recent article in the aforemetioned publication claiming that she had broken up with a recent boyfriend. Panettierre was discreetly ushered away by her publicist before the incident could get ugly.

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This is almost certainly 100% pure (whoop-ass?) bullshit. However, I cannot deny the power of Hayden Panettiere's blood rage. She's like twenty Kratos's (Kratosi?) on gorilla juice with pebble stuck in her shoe. One time, her agent returned from an errand with a Diet Coke, when Hayden specifically requested a Diet Coke Zero. After that it was just a fury of fiery chains and blades, after which nothing remained... save for my tremendous erection.

Source (TheBlemish)....

Vanessa Hudgens Also Wants You In Jail.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens is back in the rumor mill for the same 'ol thing again. The National Enquirer is reporting that several more nude photos of Ms. Hudgens have hit the internet and should be making the blog-rotation within the next few days. Only this time, Hudgens apparently snapped said pictures when she was only fifteen years old, in an effort to jilt a then-recent ex-boyfriend. While Hudgens has recently been in talks with Maxim, she has refused to entertain offers from Playboy and Girls Gone Wild.

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Which... totally makes sense. Because there is a big difference between photoshopped and/or drunken Mardi Gras nudity and webcam style nudity. The difference: the latter is far, far better. And far, far grainier. Regardless, Vanessa seems to have an eye for quality in her "leaked" nakedness. What she doesn't have an eye for, apparently, is legality. 15?! Millions of middle aged, chain-smoking deviants are literally licking their computer monitors by this point. Hey! Hey! Weren't you supposed to be registering at the courthouse as per Megan's Law today?! Psssh. What amateurs. Everyone knows that when you add together several underage girls ages, its legal if the sum is over 18. Hence why I keep 18 infant concubines in my cellar.

Source (Celebitchy)....

Maniblow hates Mrs. 3rd-String Quarterback

Barry Manilow cancelled his appearance on The View the other day, claiming that he could no longer be interviewed by the show's resident right-wing viewpoint, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Manilow, who has performed on the show twice in the past year, claims that he could not "sacrifice his own beliefs for the sake of promoting (his) new album". Many have surmised that this is collateral damage from the well-publicized blowup between Hasselbeck and Manilow's long-time friend, Rosie O'Donell, earlier this year.

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Wow. Hows that for some superfluous news? 2 points to Manilow for sticking to his beliefs, but minus 16 points for siding with Rosie. And Ms. Hasselbeck, why do you have to betray the faith I placed in you on Survivor all those years ago? Is it a prerequisite these days that any white, blond girls with money have to be motherfucking Ann Coulter?! No matter what you say it is essentially an elaborate re-wording of the infamous phrase: "I think we should just trust the President in whatever he does, and support him 100%." And I've heard this argument about 150 fucking times since 2004 alone. As 150 members of the Young Female Republicans Association can atest to. "Well, I believe that sex should be reserved for marriage, and only between a man and a woman, and only under the watchful eyes of God and George W. Bush." "Ok, baby, well I believe in massive tax cuts for the rich and irrelevant and costly foreign wars." "You do?! I'm sooooo into you all of a sudden." And then I was sooooo into them. And 3 months later, that partially-aborted fetus was sooooooo out of her.

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By the way, this qualifies as a celebrity feud on the same order of something like Carrot Top hates Jorge Posada. It evokes the emotions of "who cares" more than anything else. But I care. Because we can't let a piece of misguided ass like Elizabeth Hasselbeck be forever sullied by Giants third-string quarterbacks. I can only imagine that is, of course, the reason behind her insanity. It must be horrible to be at a wasp gathering where all of your sorority sisters are talking about their orthodontist husbands and you only have the man that sucked too bad to be played before Jared Lorenzen. Shit, I play more professional football than that guy.

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

By any other name...

Rose McGowan has reportedly gotten engaged to new boyfriend Robert Rodriguez after only a few short months of courtship. McGowan met Rodriguez while shooting his half of the summer flop Grindhouse, entitled Planet Terror, in which McGowan played a stripper equipped with a M16-A1 assault rifle as a prosthetic substitute for her left leg. Notably, Rodriguez left his then-current wife, who was a producer on the film, during production for McGowan.

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First off, let us all take a moment to honor the American Filmakers Dream: 1) Write Script. 2) Blow Producers in Steakhouse Bathrooms for Favor to Shoot Script. 3) Marry High School Sweetheart before shooting Script. 4) Shoot Movie. 5) Enjoy Movie's Success. 6) Make Producers Blow You in Steakhouse Bathrooms for Honor of Shooting Next, Yet-Unwritten Script. 7) Shoot Far Inferior Follow-up Movie. 8) Leave High School Sweetheart-turned-Wife for Inferior Movie's starring Actress. And then you live rehabilly-ever-after.

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Ok, with that out the way, can I ask something? Did Rose McGowan get a shitload of plastic surgery recently? And I don't mean in the vacuous Hollywood sense. I mean in the reconstructive after major motorcycle injury sense. I'm serious, I feel like I missed something here. Of course, I'd still love nothing more than to put another coat of alabaster on this literally-ivory colored beauty. But, then again, I'd fuck Ann Margaret. Or Mark Hamill for that matter.

A Couple More Rose, one with the Macabre Cowboy Fiance at the end..

Source (TheSuperficial)...

Ass for days.

Seriously, that's fucking amazing. If you ask me it should be illegal to have an ass like that, simply because of people like me. Holy shit. The only way this chick could get any hotter was if me and Anthony Michael Hall had created her with our pre-pubesant jizz potion and turned our evil brother Chet into a pile of feces afterwards.
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Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. This is Nicole "Coco" Austin, famous for being Ice-T's girlfriend and making my pants tight. Once I regain all the blood back to my brain I'll post something more clever. Until then, enjoy the ass fiesta.
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-SlapChicken-

Praying for 1997

Alicia Silverstone, who is apparently still living beyond DVD rentals of Clueless, will reportedly appear nude in a upcoming PETA ad, scheduled to begin rotation tonight in the Houston area. While all the interesting parts have been inevitably covered, many are commenting that Silverstone is in better shape than ever before, owing the change to her newfound vegetarian lifestyle. While I have yet to see said commercial, I will admit that I do miss the Alicia Silverstone of old, and the copious, and barely-understood-at-the-time, masturbation that used to accompany her ditsy image. However, if we are treated to an almost-naked Batman and Robin era Silverstone, then the anti-meat diet message of the promo might be lost on me. Eating one's own eyes is considered carnivorous, right? Right? If not, then perhaps I've acted too soon. Though I am pleased that my contengency plan of painting my keyboard with my semen for the last ten years has finally yielded positive results: a braille keyboard.

Some More Reminders of the Hot Version of Alicia Silverstone...

Full Story (CNN)...

Red Carpet Judgement - The Emmys

Ok, a little late on this one, but then again its the Emmy's, and save for the Tony's or Grammy's there is not greater waste of time. However, seeing how I tend to suckle the proverbial teet (read: anus) of Hollywood, what kind of "journalist"* would I be if I didn't at least make an attempt on covering the event. Furthermore, what kind of "man" would I be if I didn't abrasively judge these celebrities upon their taste in fashion, bludgeoning them with my keen sense of style like a flannel-clad drifter taking a meat tenderizer to a promiscious teen's skull behind a beat-up Dodge Dart, parked on Makeout Point.

Christina Aguilera represented pregnant, slutty clowns everywhere in the coutour dress. The black bow over her "baby bump" is, of course, a reminder of the 17 celebrity babies lost during the standoff at Snake Mountain. When asked for comment, Aquilera stated: "No one could ever understand the sacrifice made by those heroic, commando babies on that fateful September morning...we can only hope that one day that monster, Skeletor, can be brought to justice."

Hayden Panetierre looked radiant in gold, which proved useful in reflecting sunlight to blind the eyes of several former pedophiles in attendance. When asked for comment, one pedophile responded "My eyes! I'm sorry Lord! I can change, God, I can change my sinner's ways!" before blindly rushing into nearby, oncoming traffic.

Ali Larter showed off her taste for red velvet window curtains, looking hot enough to break your dick off forcibly during sex. Literally. And probably eat your brain for power as well. Still, totally worth it.

This chick from that show Ugly Betty, whose title immediately accomplished reverse advertising for me, wore a form-fitting blue dress that, while mildly disgusitng me, was sure to drive fellow blog contributor, SlapChicken, as well as several thousand chubby-chasing black men literally "off the chain". Which, of course, means many a quotation of the word "Damn" in varying tones and inflections.

Eva Longoria looked stunning in this sparkling number, but was "left hanging" for over 30 minutes by Awards Show Celebrity Burn Master, Tommy Lee Jones. Additionally, Jones was later spotted keying Longoria's limo and charging large room service bills to her hotel suite. Why Tommy Lee Jones, you ask? Because 'ol T.L. knows the finer points of proper Southern inhospitality.Oh, and he totally hates Eva Longoria. You heard it here first.

Tina Fey made this SUNDAY night.. come ALIVE in this slim, black dress. She was no MEAN GIRL, as she dazzled the onlooking crowd with her 30 ROCK of crack cocaine. Wait. That can't be right. Who the fuck is copywriting this shit?! ... Oh... it is right? Huh. Ok.. so, uh yeah, Tina Fey smokes crack. Awards Show Prompter Writer Journalism at work.

Mary Louise Parker went with this sleak red number to show off her hourglass figure, which caused several male fans in attendance to riot after realizing that they sat through 3-hours of Fried Green Tomatoes with their respective girlfriends whilst two such alluring breasts were concealed from their view for the duration.

And speaking of concealed breasts, Jennifer Love Hugetits apparently forgot her trademark accessory on her other chest the other night. Otherwise, how do you explain tihs. Sure, she looks fantastic regardless, but I'm just pondering the sheer physics of displacing such a mass. If they are, infact, still there, my guess is by the point this picture was taken the pressure of containment alone might have broken several of poor Jennifer's ribs.

And that about raps it up for the Emmy's. Oh, except that the Sopranos won. Which proves that the governing body of the show is pretty much composed of a half-filled bucket of frozen fish heads. And Steve Perry.

Source (TheSuperficial)...