Jailbird

Leighton Meester, who is apparently on that show Gossip Girl, has escaped my attention for quite some time now. However, with news today that she was born in jail has intrigued me. It turns out Meester's mother was convicted of involvement with the smuggling of 1,200 lbs. of marijuana when she was 29... and shortly thereafter little Leighton came into the world... in the county. Which begs the question: does her mother have any "connects" she could hook me up with? C'mon, baby, I'm fucking fiending here. Don't you hold out on me, bitch?!

Yeah, so...uh.. this girl is pretty. And apparently open-minded about being a pothead. Throw Star Wars-geek and socially-dysfunctional personality into the equation... and I think I just met my wife. See, ladies? This here is the TOTAL PACKAGE.

A Rachel Bilson Moment

Did you ever watch the O.C.? Yeah, me neither. But one of my friends did, and that caused me to question his sexuality ever since. But then I started noticing Rachel Bilson, which allayed my doubts somewhat. Honestly, she has a surprisingly perfect body, and I could pretty much stare at this picture all day long. That being said, when I told my friend this he responded by telling me "yeah, and she's got such a great fashion sense, too!". Needless to say, I'm a little skeptical again.

A Jennifer Esposito Moment

There's something about this chick's eyes that is absolutely fascinating to me. Everything else on the checklist is about average for a celebrity, but goddamn... those eyes. I sat through the entirety of that movie Taxi just to oogle her unabashedly whilst trying to block out the banter of Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Around the 20 min mark though, the sound had to get to turned off. Around the 35 min mark, the movie got turned off. Our business was... concluded. Oh, and Jimmy Fallon: to be the next Adam Sandler, you have to make two GOOD movies before you pump out half-a-dozen turd cupcakes. Mmm... cupcakes. Wait... did I just imply that I would to eat Jimmy Fallon's feces? How did that happen? Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound... *munch munch munch*.

P.S.: Watching "Taxi" probably qualifies as "eating Jimmy Fallon's shit" anyways. Zing.

A Jamie Chung Moment

Before you hit me with "who the hell is that", let me just say that you are an impatient fuck. Now, after you've settled down, let me explain that Jamie Chung was the hottest (read: almost only) asian on the Real World. My friend SlapChicken tells me that she's also on this show called Samurai Girl, but not nearly as unclothed as you see to the right. Which begs the question: just how gay is SlapChicken for knowing that? Or better yet: just how foolish are that show's producers for failing to come up with that idea? What? That show is on ABC Family? Alright, even better. *sirens in distance* Shit! This bird's gonna fly! *escapes Penguin-style... but due to a faulty umbrellacopter falls sixty feet to his death two blocks away*

A Selma Blair Moment

Remember that movie where those that chick made out in Central Park with Sarah Michelle Gellar? Well, that girl's name was Selma Blair, and if you'd heard that clip on Howard Stern of some girl dirty talking and dropping n-bombs, you've heard of her before. I think she's dating Hellboy right now, or something. Now, usually, I am the type of guy to appreciate any breast size, and oppose implants at every turn. That being said, Selma Blair is one cup size short of being nuclear-grade attractive. Still, I'll settle for m80-grade hotness any day of the week, so I probably shouldn't bitch... alright, you got me... I'd sleep with a trash can... if only it would give me the time of day... *sigh* someday, Rubbermaid. Someday.

A Shania Twain Moment

Shania Twain is one of the more underappreciated
masturbatory idols of the 1990's in my opinion. Sure, she got lost in the Spears/Aguilera/Simpson/Moore perfect storm of barely legal (and now running a 50% ratio of "mentally unstable") storm of pop tarts. But, to be fair, she goes have the PERFECT body... and FACE... and CANADIAN-NESS! I know I've put up this picture to the right before, but it still warms my... heart... to this day. Add in the fact that she spent the decade almost exclusively exposing her mid-drift and cleavage, and her lack of appearing in a hardcore porno is the only thing I can hold against her. Especially after the restraining order.