Wonder Twins, Form of.....a summer flop!

Wow, God really does hate everyone. Rumors are starting to surface on the set of "The Dark Knight" that Maggie Gylenhall, who's replaced Katie Holmes as Bruce Waynes love interest, has been asked to play one of the two Wonder Twins in the upcoming Justice League movie. The only upcoming thing when I think of Maggie Gyllenhal is my lunch. To make Matters worse guess who'll play the other twin? No, not Richard Belzer, her brother apropriately enough, Jake Gyllenhal.

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As if this is not bad enough, here's something that will make you wish you were never even a zygote. Other roles in the J.L.A movie will be; Laurence "Morpheus" Fishburne as Martian Manhunter, Ryan Reynolds as The Flash, Tom Welling as Superman and... hang on to your yarmulke's, Ben Stiller as Batman.
.......

*Screehing tires*. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ben Stiller? This has to be a joke, right, RIGHT? What the fuck, man! What are these people thinking when casting movies these days? I don't mind having Tom Welling as Superman as there were rumors abound that he was one of the orginal choices for the Superman Returns movie. There's no way Ben Stiller can be Batman though. How can you have a Super hero that has to be inside his home before sun down on the weekends? Not only that but will basically disappear during the fall due to obscure and ancient holiday's that force them to be daiturnal. It's just a bad decision, nothing good can come of this it's.....ah, you know what. Fuck it. Good luck, Master Stiller.

Dlisted.

....

-SlapChicken-

That Must've Been One Badass Ninja.

First of all.... BEST... TITLE.... EVER. *takes breath*

It seems that although Shaolin Monks can withstand subzero temperatures in a perfect state of meditation, and THEN procede to also be the invetors of Kung Fu, they have finally developed a weakness: Internet Flaming via Blogs. Some internet blogger has been posting claims that a Ninja defeated several Shaolin Monks in hand-to-hand combat recently. The best part is that the Monks are taking this so seriously that they are coming out and condeming these claims publically in newspapers across China. I'll leave the hilarious/action-lacked details to be read through the link. However, let me just offer up my one, cherubic-eyed prayer that this somehow results in David Carradine finally kicking Keanu Reeves' ass. "I know Kung Fu!"..... *crack* *pow* *smash* *decapitate* *sodomize?* .... "Yeah, well I was ON Kung Fu ...bitch."



And for anyone wondering, its actually against both state and federal law to speak the words "Kung" and/or "Fu" without mentioning David Carradine within at least two paragraphs before and/or after. Look it up.



Oh, and those Shaolin Monks clearly got pwned.



Full Story (MSNBC)....

Hayden Panetierre can see my dreams.

This pic of Hayden dressed as my *dream girl were taken in Germany during a promo tour for Heroes.
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Get outta my head, get outta my head!! This is just unfair if you ask me, so don't.
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*German slave for unspeakable things: Like watching one hundred hours of hockey a week and making me sandwiches. Dirty bastards, minds out of the gutter! On a related note though, she's been legal for 10 days. Woohoo, I won't feel like I should serve 5-10 anymore!

.....
TheBlemish.com

-SlapChicken

Judd Apatow, you crazy jew, I love you.

Glorious!!

Just as soccer was taking the U.S. by storm.

Ha! If you don't get that joke then you're just not paying attention. Don't question my choice of picture either. I realize it's lack of relevance, but "Becks" and "Cruise" in a loving death hold like that is hysterical. Period. Anyway, getting back to a sport no one in continental North America gives a donkey's balls about. David Beckham was recently sprained his knee in a match, which has put him on the sidelines for six weeks.

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Honestly, it's not like it even matters. His club, L.A. Galaxy already has the worst record in their western conference. Not even Beckham could help them, so what's the big deal with a hurt Beckham? Now he can not help AND drink tea and eat scones at the same time? Good for him! Soccer or Football as the Euro's call it is never going to catch on in the states. I'm pretty sure David Beckham was aware of this and reaized he was being offered a paid vacation for life. He could have done better than L.A. though. I heard the Burma Bombardiers offered him 3 yaks and a virgin and he declined. Know what I say? Done deal! Excuse me, I've got a Yak to have sex with and a virgin to set out to pasture. Wait.. I mean. No, no, nevermind. That's right.

.........

Story.

-SlapChicken-

Perfect Gifts for your Stupid Kid.

Two new products for kids today, both brought to you by the fine folks at Geekologie. First, a company is releasing a Crayola crayon scented perfume, which will totally off-set that soiled underwear and baby powder smell little Bobby always brings to kindergarten with him.... and will also tooooootally get him laid..... should he know what that is. Secondly, scientists have perfected a method to colorize soap bubbles for children's entertainment, and it only took then TEN YEARS. Of course, my original patent application for a similar product was declined in 1996. Apparently, "magic" is not an F.D.A. approved ingredient.

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So now you're stupid kids can have more shit that they will never appreciate. Just set it next to the $4,000 entertainment system you put up in their "Play Room". Again, when I put a "Play Room" in my house, the D.E.A. chased me across seven states. Apparently, trafficing heroin is not a "children's activity".

Crayon Perfume (Geekologie)...

Clubbin' Bubbles (Geekologie)...

Majoring in Sexual Orientation

An interesting little collection here of supposed celebrity lesbian crushes, cultivated from a myriad of interviews over the years. The list includes Eva Longoria's desires for Eva Mendez, Jessica Simpson and Jessica Alba, as well Carmen Electra's longing for Scarlett Johansson and several other beautifully blue-balling combinations. Now this is the sort of thing you'd expect me to be jumping in the air about, vigorously pleasuring myself while singing Handel's Messiah. However, this is exactly the kind of thing you hear from thousands of college girls every day. "Oh.... My... God... Angelina Jolie is so hot. I'm not a lesbian... but I'd totally do her". Two things, Shirley McSigmaEpisilonPhi: 1) No... you wouldn't. Sure, if you had no other choice, then you'd prefer Angelina Jolie.... but I really doubt you would enthusiatically perform oral sex on her.... saying you'd put your mouth on a vagina is alot different from actually doing it; 2) Saying this kind of thing doesn't make your guy friends think you're cool..... it makes them think they might get to see you "d-out" with some attractive girl.... which won't happen, ever, and therefore will only infuriate them on the inside. But, if girls keep insisting on teasing us with supposed lesbianism, let me make a mild suggestion: Next time you're boyfriend says some celebrity female is hot while your watching t.v. together, just suddenly rip off your pants and start playing with yourself whilst loudly moaning said celebrities name, instead of just agreeing with him. Maybe then he might touch you again. Probably not, though. You really should get that underbite fixed, lady. And that mustache ain't doing you no favors, either.

Source (CityRag)...

President Tsavong Lah

As per a report from Harvard Medical School, amongst other contributing scientists, human beings are between 3 to 10 years away from attaining the ability to manufacture artificial life from scratch. Unlike genetic modification, which has grow into such fields as stem cell research and gene therapy, the concept of artificial life is the creation of DnA, or more specifically the addition of eight new bases (as opposed to the 4 genetic bases that make up all known life). Such an innovation may pave the way to a technological revolution, shifting human progression from mechanically-based technology to biologically-based technology.

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Ok. I'm well aware that no one in my audience has read the New Jedi Order series, and therefore any joke made about the Yuuzhan Vong and their obsession with living technology would be lost on you. However, I will still put a Vong picture up and an extensive reference to them regardless. Why? Because I'm a dick. And futhermore, reverting to my most immature, prickish behavior is the only thing that can calm me as I read this story. I don't know about you, but every last word of that story scared the beejesus out of me. Because whats better than a television? A television that you have to feed squirrel meat to in order to keep it alive! And god knows how much I'd like my computer to have its own thoughts and feelings... so that I may forever destroy its sanity under mountains and mountains of deeply-disturbing/highly-erotic pornography.

Full Story (CNN)....

Cheating Death

My ribs hurt. Seriously. Ow.

M*therf*cker!

Samuel L. Jackson has reportedly visited his close friend Owen Wilson in the hospital following Wilson's recent suicide attempt. Which begs the question: how the fuck are Mace Windu and Hansel friends?! Not that I'm saying its impossible for two people in the same trade to befriend one another, but these two? Thats like finding out Oprah Winfrey is wingman-ing for Rob Lowe. Its just such an odd pairing. Is this the beginning of an Odd Couple remake? But instead of one neat guy and one messy guy, now its one depressed white guy and one black guy who keeps Christina Ricci on a chain in the other room.

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In all seriousness, though, I'd bet you Samuel L. gives one hell of a pep talk. I'd imagine it goes something like this: "Don't you motherfucking belittle this, Owen! This is some serious motherfucking shit! All those motherfuckers out there love your motherfucking movies, motherfucker! And you're just gonna throw it the motherfuck away! Damn, motherfucker! Thats just some straight motherfucking bullshit! ........ Motherfucker."

Source (HollywoodRag)...

Touch 'Em All

Alyssa Milano is juicing the internet for publicity this week, now with the release of several new products from her women's baseball line of clothing, "Touch". I could make some joke about "striking out", "rounding the bases" or just "balls", but my PhD in comedy from Chuckles Laugh Shack in Amityville, NY might be tarnished by the effort. My thesis, entitled The Cumulative Effect of High-Speed Object-to-Groin Collisions, is still required reading for every America's Funniest Home Videos major..... and is considered the senior seminar for Special Education majors as well.

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Oh, and yes, I am currently lavishing in her Yankee-ness. Sure, she is wearing other teams' logos as well, but as a Yankee fan, my baseball-vision only percieves Yankee ensignias, championship rings, and knee-jerk-reaction roster clearing during the off-season. Everything else should just be ignored. Especially since everytime I see a capital "B" written in red, my eyes uncontrollably roll for hours on end. The doctors called it a seizure, but I know the truth.

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Oh, and if I wasn't clear enough above: Fuck the Boston Red Sox. There. I love being inflammatory.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

It Must Be Summer (Gwen Stefani)

Gwen Stefani is in Hawaii, apparently along with the rest of Hollywood this week, and took the opportunity to tantalize locals with a view of her scantily-clad body. Although, come to think of it, didn't this girl use to wear outfits like this almost 365 days a year back in her No Doubt days? So really, we shouldn't be so much celebrating her hotness in the present, as lamenting the loss of those sweet, innocent days of youth. Days when a hamburger cost 2 cents, a dollar cost a quarter, the gas station actually paid YOU to fill up your tank, and semi-naked Stefani's rained from the sky as you walked to school in the snow with barefeet. Uphill. Both ways.
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Oh, those were simplier times.... if not necessarily "better". Granted, our biggest concern then was illegal telegraph tapping programs. Then again, "racism" was then known as "color commentary", so it wasn't all peaches and cream.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Raunchy Trailer Park Sex

Jaime Pressly, who may or may not be a rose of the trailer park variety, is gracing the cover of this months Arena UK magazine. And, like pretty much always with her, she looks great.... in that delightfully trashy kinda way. Its not that she is necessarily poor white trash, but I'm fairly sure someone in that family tree is hanging from a branch, strung out on meth, screaming about how the South will rise again. Which there is nothing wrong with, of course. Momma always told me "You fuck the cute girl with good grades. But the one with the moonshine still, thats the girl you marry". Then again, my mother legally changed her name to "Bo Duke" at age 40, and has been on a 3-state cyclical police chase ever since. Hence, she obviously had her shit together*.

Source (Popoholic)...

* - By "together", I mean piled neatly in small mounds ontop of her roof.

One eye on you, one eye on sweet, sweet illegality.

Vincent (Don Vito) Margera, the infamous paternal uncle of pro-skateboarder Bam Margera, is in the news today, as he is facing 12 counts of violating his probation. Margera was charged with three felony accounts of sexual abuse on a child earlier this year, stemming from an incident at a public appearance where he apparently got the "wandering fingers" with two 12-year olds and one 14-year old. No details as to the nature of this violation have yet been released.

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Before I say anything else, look at that man. Whichever parent let him near their prepubescent kid is more at fault than anyone else. I mean, Jesus, look at that guy! He's like the alpha-grizzly of child molesters. Every time he goes out for a night on the town, its like the beginning of Halloween is Grinch Night*, with helpless children sniffing the air for any hint of the sour-sweet air, and then running into their parents houses. I fully expect his lazy eye was caused by some brain overload triggered by a supersaturation of children during a visit to the Phillipines.

Full Story (NYDailyNews)...

* - Officially, the most obscure reference on this blog yet. HOORAY! I have no practical knowledge!

Jolie pwns Helmsley

Angelina Jolie, who breathes in 3rd-world children and breathes out U.N. good-will missions, is currently in the celebrity of war-torn countries: Iraq. Jolie flew into Syria on Monday, where she visted Iraqi refugees in an effort to bring more attention to the hundreds of thousands of Iraqi's displaced by the current war effort.

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Damn it. As borderline-pretentious as celebrity humanitarians can be, you really can't fault her for making some good use of her fame and fortune. After writing that piece on Leona Helmsley earlier today, it makes you wonder what special level of hell she is going to when contrasted with Angelina. Jolie is rich, famous and admittedly attractive. And to boot, she's charitable. Meanwhile, the Cryptkeeper-ess, is rich.... and slightly infamous. Seriously, if having a better soul was a competitive sport, that old bitch would be getting her shit ROOOOOOOOOCKED. Which is, of course, a legal term for "getting pwned". So now, after two paragraphs of explanation, you finally understand this entry's title. I am a master of suspense.

Full Story (Celebitchy)...

"I Aim To Misbehave."

Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, recently hinted that the door might not be fully shut on the return of his greatest series, Firefly, in the form of a sequel to its moderately successful theatrical conclussion, Serenity. This is only truly notable because Whedon had begun emphatically asserting that no such continuation of the cult classic was remotely possibly as little as six months ago. Firefly ran for only one season in 2001-2002 on Fox, but was marred from the beginning by having its episodes shown out of order and in often-shifting time slots, each more undesirable than the one before it. After being cancelled, Whedon had offered some hope to continue the series sporadically over the next two years, eventually resulting in the release of Serenity, which had a mediocre box office. However, both the television show's box-set DVD and the movie's DVD have sold much better than expected over time, and have proven that the series still has an extremely viable following. While, I have argued that this series would probably do much better with new episodes released on the SciFi channel, Serenity II is an extremely enticing prospect.

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And for those of you who don't know, that man in the brown coat there is the definition of "sex". Not even "sexy", but of "sex" itself. I'm serious, Malcolm Reynolds is not sexy, Sex is Malcolm Reynolds-sy. I am a completely heterosexual* man, and I would present myself to him, ass in the air.

Full Story (SliceofSciFi)....

* - Its not gay if you don't make eye contact with the dock worker you're felating.

NASA panders to Nerds; Sky continues to be Blue.

NASA announced recently that it will be launching the original 1977 lightsaber prop, wielded by Luke Skywalker in Episode IV: A New Hope, in honor of the 30th-anniversary of the saga taking place this year. And sixteen million years from now, when it reaches an alien civillization, they will have one of three reactions:

1) "Whose flashlight is this?"

2) "Ooooooh, I'm totally gonna bid on that on xeno-Bay!"

3) "Fucking Earth-Nerds."

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But how's this for some constructive thinking: why didn't they just auction the damn thing, and use the ridiculous amount of money some nerd will drop on it to eliminate world poverty? As in, forever. Because I guarantee you that somewhere out there some pock-marked, too-sweaty-by-half ubergeek is already contemplating liquidating his highly lucrative Silicon Valley-based software company in the hopes of handling Luke's saber hilt in one hand, whilst handling his own "saber hilt" in the other. To the tune of elevendy bizillion dollars. Mad duckets, yo. Mad duckets.

Full Story (Slashdot)...

Credit to Rabittoth for his sick "Jaina Solo" wallpaper.

Oops, I Neglected My Kids

Before I go any further, let me just point out how hard it is to find a good picture of Britney Spears these days. At this rate, if I have to go any further back in time to find her at a point in her life where she was attractive, I'm gonna be posting pictures of her as a zygote.

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Anyways, Spears was at Los Angeles County Superior Court on Monday for a hearing in a new investigation of allegations of child abuse leveled against the singer, not implicitly but fairly obviously, by ex-husband, Kevin Federline. These charges are reportedly not physical in nature, and stem principally from accusations of neglect in dietary and parenting concerns. Or, for the less legal-ese inclined: "K-Fed totally told his lawyer, who told the District Attorney, who told the Judge, who told Britney's agent, who told Britney's personal assitant, who told Britney that she feeds her babies pizza and soda instead of Gerber formula." Oh, and that she kissed Dave Johnson after the Fall Ball Dance at Stukies Pizza Parlor.

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Seriously, though, is anyone surprised? At all? In fact, I've really got nothing else in the way of Britney-Neglects-Her-Kids jokes. The girl is a vacuous whore, and kinda always has been. Although, this is a perfect argument for my "Childbearing Liscense Program", whereby people must pass a rigorous finanical, criminal and psychological background check before they are allowed to procreate. Britney's application would've been tossed once the clerk noticed she filled out "Kween of Sexi" under "Title" instead of "Ms.".... or that she wrote "Reelly Rich" under "Income Level"..... or that she filled the whole thing out in crayon.... or that the whole thing is covered in barbeque sauce and vodka stains.

Full Story (TheBlemish)...

Thats One Dead Dog

Leona Helmsley's, a miserably rich argument for geriatricide, last will and testament was released to the public yesterday. And who's the big winner? Her dog, Trouble, with $12 million dollars. You heard me. A fucking dog. And, on top of it, she decided to allow some mysterious grudge with 2 out of her 4 grandchildren to fuck them over forever, leaving them nothing but a metaphorical middle finger for all eternity.
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First question: the picture. I know. But here's your choice: you can look at some chick in her 80's who is nearly as digusting on the outside as she in within; or you can look at some chick from the 80's who is so beautiful on the outside that I touch myself on the inside..... wait, what? Forget it, anyways, just how much can you hate a family member that you leave them nothing from a multi-billion dollar empire. I mean, I suppose I can think of a few of my own that might deserve it, but I'm pretty sure its not a good idea to actually do it. Here's your problem, Corpse of Ms. Helmsley: these people are still alive and you are not. How are you going to defend your prized New York-aristocrat reputation in three years when they come out and produce evidence that you had a penis? Sure, they're poor. But you're dead. I'm pretty sure poor and alive still beats rich and dead in America. At least for the time being.
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Unanswered Questions:
1) How does a dog spend $12 million dollars? Furthermore, how does said dog fill out a will to deal with whatever's left over? Is it distributed out amongst her puppies? Or, failing that she has any puppies, is it donated to the United Maltese College Fund?
2) What is sexier: Kathy Ireland or the myriad of home furniture that pops up in Google Images when you search for her name?
Answers:
1) House-breaking.... Stamps her paw in ink.... Yes.... Definitely Yes, resulting in a hilarious Disney movie entitled "M.I.T. Maltese".
2) Seems like an obvious answer.... until you see that Ottoman in the pink number on page 3. Everyone knows Mahogany is so much sluttier than Oak.

Full Story (CNN)...

Tito Ortiz is the Mama bird.

Tito Ortiz was spotted regurgatating his lunch into the mouth of girlfriend Jenna Jameson for some much needed nutrients. I won't say too much as I fear Tito Ortiz may rip my colon out of my body through my mouth. It would tickle, granted, but the after taste would be terrible.

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Seriously, this looks like a scene from Slither. "Survey Says. Jenna Jameson still gross is the number one answer. Nerd Geyser, are you going to pass or play". Pass!

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-SlapChicken-

Avery and Cuthbert split; Avery goes blind.

New York Rangers, Sean Avery and Elisha "I should be nude in every movie I make" Cuthbert have parted ways after more than two years of *loving, Canadian togetherness. Apparently the split caused Avery to lose his eye sight as he was seen hitting on Paris Hilton a number of times.

“He hit on her three times, but every time, Paris would give him disgusted looks and move away from his creepy shoulder-brushing and close-talking ways,” said our snitch. The rebuffed Avery hit on other blonds. “You could tell he just wanted to hook up,” said the spy.
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Some of you may see this as a non-story, but for Ranger fans it's not good news. I mean just think of what magical treasures and powers that can be obtained from coitus with Cuthbert, let's hope Sean's middle name is not Samson. Also, I'm inclined to believe that Sean didn't actually want to hook up with Paris, but had eaten a pound of mushrooms and was actually talking smack to Paris because he thought she was Darcy Tucker. Either way it was a bad idea, to go from clean cut Canadian to dirty....well, do I need to go on? I think you can fill in the blanks.
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*What I mean when I say loving, Canadian togetherness is hip checking eachother, serving infinte minutes for roughing and watch re-runs of SCTV for 2 years. Do you get that joke? No? Good! That means there is still hope for you.

Story.

-SlapChicken-

It Must Be Summer (Jennifer Aniston) (pt.II)

Ah, the loneliest ass on Earth. Jennifer Aniston continued her Hawaii vacation this weekend, obviously taking a break from cutting herself before a shrine of her ex-husband and performing hexes on Tomb Raider action figures, by going out for another day of obligatory hotness. Also, should be on her way to a new career in competitive surfboarding. In about three years, you'll see Jennifer Aniston's Pro-Surfboarding 3 released on every major game console, complete with the 720 Leprachaun Jump. Which, of course, consists of a two complete turns, whilst getting a nose job and changing your obviously Greek last name. This manuver also immediately pays the individual $1 million dollars per jump.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Alyssa Milano Misses Her Calling

Alyssa Milano made an appearance at the Victoria's Secret Lingerie show recently, and left most wondering why she wasn't one of the models. In all honesty, why isn't this girl doing that sort of thing already? Is she still working? I haven't seen her on T.V. once save for briefly passing by old reruns of Charmed, which I only watch for one minute and forty-seven seconds before it has already served its purpose anyways. Allowing this American treasure to go to waste is tantamount to digging up George Washington's corpse and pinching a loaf between his wooden teeth. And even G.W.'s corpse would agree that it was a far less agredious offense.

Full Story (HollywoodTuna)....

Jessica Alba = Hot. Its science. Literally.

Apparently, a group of mathematicians at Cambridge University (who seem to have their priorities in order) have calculated a mathematical formula for determining a woman's attractiveness by measuring one's waist in ratio to one's hips. The perfect formula? A woman's waist should be equal to 70% of her hips. And the most well-known woman who possesses these dimensions: Jessica Alba. Hence, Jessica Alba is scientifically the most attractive woman on the planet. Way to go. Cambridge University just invested serious funds in the same pursuit of that famous and distinguised think-tank we all commonly know as FHM. And just like FHM, they concluded that the answer is Jessica Alba. Watch for the opposition theory starring Halle Berry or Lindsay Lohan from the combined team of Oxford and Maxim later this year..... And then watch for the authentic theory to be released concerning Natalie Portman.... by me.... in the form of several impromptu performance art pieces involving fresh goose down and sixteen gallons of crow blood.

Full Story (HollywoodTuna)...

Yet Another Jessica Simpson Entry

Jessica Simpson showed up at a public appearance yesterday looking more like her old self. And by "old self", I mean "astonishingly good looking". And though I've been giving Jessica alot of time on this site recently, look at these pictures and tell me I'm wrong. Seriously. Her breasts are like magical candy-orbs from heaven. I heard from some guy* that one time she simultaneously stopped an elaborate terrorist attack and ressurected an adorable puppy merely by slightly adjusting her posture to stick them out a bit more. When reached for comment, the puppy responded "Jessica's got some big-ass titt-ays". To which, the aforementioned terrorists agreed, and then sat down for unilateral peace talks with said pupp, finally bringing an end to war as we know it, forever and ever.

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Ok, maybe not. But still, Jessica Simpson's delicious tats are an undeniable fact.

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* Some Guy - Incestuous Joe Simpson. Not to be confused with Shoeless Joe Simpson... who was merely a normal pedophile.

Source (HollywoodTuna)....