The Incredible Hulk - Take 2

The trailer for the new, reimagined Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton, came out recently. Admitedly, it looks halfway decent, continuing the bewildering trend of surprisingly hype-worthy superhero movies being released this summer; a trend started by Iron Man. But I, being the colossal nerd that I am, am actually more interested in the villian in this movie than I am the hero... mainly because they made Abomination bare a striking resembelance to a mildly-more human (and I stress "mildly") version of the Berserker from Gears of War. Like copyright infringement-style resembelance.

Still, its already better than Ang Lee's effort a couple of years back. Then again, the orange-brown pile of cat puke my serfs* left infront of my bedroom door to greet me with the pleasant sensation of cold, slightly-viscous animal bile between my toes first thing in the morning was a better adaptation of the Incredible Hulk as well, so I don't know how much you wanna read into this. Maybe its better if you just read the comic book and took out the trash for your mother. Honestly, how hard is that to do? She's been asking you to do it all day.

* - Yes. I treat my cats as medieval serfs. After all, I feed them and shelter them. Why shouldn't I keep half of their annual crops?

Unaltered pics of Abomination and the Hulk... w/trailer...

I'm liking this girl...

Anne Hathaway's got the right idea. From now on, all Disney-bred teen starlots are to follow this example. I know I've ranted about Ms. Hathaway on here before, plenty of times as a matter of fact. But I was just casually rifling through IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay.com, and began noticing that not a single article about her lacked an interesting title. Lets run down the list, which is available at the bottom of the page as well:

A) She is probably bisexual.

B) She drinks Absinthe, a powerful alcoholic drink known to cause hallucinations.

C) She has appeared nude in two movies already, and nearly naked in two more.

D) Her charitable contributions to Nicaragua and Honduras are suspect.

E) She is a steaming, hot piece of ass.

A + B + C + D + E = Erection for me. Permanently. Like seriously. Can somebody help me with this over here? Everytime I turn around, I accidentally knock my coffee off my desk. Anyways, let this be a lesson to the rest of you. You can still be percieved as smart and beautiful AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD be a harlot of the film industry. Best of all, you can do all of this before you're 25th birthday. Now get to it. I'm not paying you to sit around, all clothed and sober. In fact, I'm not paying you at all. Count it (i.e. the royality I must now pay the writers and producers of Family Guy).

Anne Hathaway digs chicks...

...and absinthe...

...and nudity (yeah, I know I've done this one before.. shut up)...

...and fucking over charities...

...All Source (IDLYITW)...

What does Missy Peregrym have to do with the Giants?!

Just a brief New York Football Giants smile for you today. I was browsing through some blogs this morning, when I stumbled upon a site with a fine taste in the ladies. Enclosed are a few pictures of the sinfully attractive Missy Peregrym snatched from this blog. But while I was browsing through, I noticed that this was essentially a hardcore Boston sports fan site, merely peppered with breasts every two of three posts. Therefore, I decided to leaf through a few pages of the archives section, and see just how classy these "diehard" Patriots fans had been in the days leading up to Super Bowl XLII, and how they handled it afterwards.

What follows is a case study in karma. Much like most of the Patriots fans online, this lead-up and let-down follows a fairly predictable pattern. For the ENTIRE regular season, contributors ran the table between statistical breakdowns of New England's supposedly never-duplicated offensive genuis... all the way down to the rambling rant about their ultimate supremacy which reads more like the Bible than it does a reasoned argument (i.e. to believe a word of it, you have to have "blind faith"... and a healthy dislike for logic). Once the postseason comes along, it pretty much just devolves into an obnoxious verbal trashing of every upcoming team, laced with statements of complete fucking surity that not only with the Pats beat their opponent, but will blow them out in record setting postseason victories (it should be noted that every fan purposefully ignores the Patriots defensive drop-off in the last quarter of the season). Finally, comes all of the sure-thing Giants defeat posts, the insulting and name calling, and ridiculous claims about the G-Men being the worst team to ever make it to a Super Bowl.. then playing against the best to ever do it.


And then, finally, after the game we have the same result as around the rest of the net: one, half-hearted, very bitter and ill-thought out argument about how the Giants either lucked or cheated their way to victory... followed by the obligatory "Yankees Suck" comment and the inauguration of this year's baseball and basketball trash talk. So, in honor of all the pitiful children over there in Pats nation, here's a free plug for one of your favorite sites. Too bad you can't change the score back from Feb. 3, no matter how many times you reference the Red Sox world championship. Nice taste in chicks though. Thats about the only nice thing I can say.

Source (BarstoolSports.com)...

Return of the Sextogenarian Pimp

Heather Mills has reportedly been awarded more than $50 million in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney. The former couple seperated in May, 2006 and almost 4 years of marriage, and have had a very ugly public relationship afterwards. Since then, Mills has become the self-described "most hated woman in Britain". The two have a four-year old daughter together, named Beatrice.

Well, Ms. Mills finally got her paycheck. After two years of classless behavior regarding her own divorce, including a hilarious stint on Dancing With The Stars, Mills is walking away with nearly 3% of Paul McCartney's financial empire. Three. Entire. Percent. I'm sure Paul is home crying to his countless acolades, awards and still Scrooge McDuck-like bank account. Meanwhile, Heather Mills has left an entire country wishing her leg had lost the rest of her body, and not the other way around. So was it worth it? Well, god knows I'd felate a wild boar for $50 million. Hell, I might even have sex with Heather Mills. But then again, I'm a whore. So, I guess if Ms. Mills can fess up to being a whore... than maybe the public will find it in their hearts to forgive her. If not, she can use her new money to build herself a Darth Vader-esque suit and show the same grace and compassion of an amputee that Anakin Skywalker showed so many years ago (i.e. genocide on a galactic scale)

In the meantime, somebody get poor old Paul a new woman. Remember people, we've got to comp this guy on drinks and women for life... he did co-write most of The White Album, after all. Hence, I've thrown an available "bird" up there for your consideration. I'm not actually sure whether or not Rachel Stevens is married or not... but if she is it doesn't really matter, does it? This is the "cute Beatle" after all. Not to be confused with my pet beetle, Gargamel, who is "passable" at best.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Rule Number 165: Never Let A Fellow Crasher Steal Cambodian Monks Girl

Well it seems that Owen Wilson is still able to troll Hollywood and find another "Hottie" to start to date. Accordings to Star, Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston are apparently an "item". They are currently filming Marley & Me, and have been seen flirting and cuddling off camera according to a cre member. "In between takes they were holding on to each other", one crew member said. "They are very friendly", another crew member told Star.

Now, I am sure that there is something that attracts Jennifer to Owen. Maybe it's the "I tried to kill myself" schtick that I am suuure Owen is still pimping. Oh, stop that, I went there and I'm not taking it back. But on a lighter note, why does he insist on not getting his nose fixed? It looks like Edvard Munch drew his nose on with finger paint. Look at it, it's like the crooked birch tree I have in my backyard. Another thing, what happened to my "pseudo in my dream girlfriend"? I saw her the other night, we had a lovely lunch* together and she was stunning. But it seems that Owen has made her age a little since that night. Don't get me wrong, she is still my number one, but I am not sure that her 40's are going to be a good time for her. I do like her hair in this picture, but she is aging progressively fast. Someone quickly tell her to go back to Never Never Land. Peter Pan should have never let Rufio take her to the "real world" and then leave her there. If anything, he should have dropped her off at the "Dago Ranch"** so that she may be loved and cared for. I would never let her walk on the beach barefoot, those jellyfish are crafty. I hear they can walk on sand now....that was weak I know, but what do you want from me?

Source

*I set up tea cups and a small table with my GI Joe action figures. I taped a picture of Jennifer on all of involved, Duke, Snow Job and Snake Eyes. And I spoke to her as if she was in the room. She never answered my marriage proposal.
**My bedroom....it consists of a mechanical bull and hard wood flooring, for square dancing purposes. There are cowboy hats on the wall along with my underwear hanging over the bar. By bar I mean my closet with the doors open. It's really cool. The whole kit can be purchased for $19.92 from TurnYourRoomIntoADagoRanch.com.

-Cambodian Monk-

Poor Little Rich Girl

Kim Kardashian recently told a reporter that she has been cheated on by every guy she's ever dated, save the first one. I'd go on to quote from the article, but you know what, lets skip Kardashian's probably-Shakespearian quality tale of love and loss, and jump right into the meat of the matter. The meat, of course being, Kim Kardashian's huge ass. DAAAAAAAAMN, etc. etc.

Seriously though, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Kim Kardashian's definition of "boyfriend" goes something like this: "a hottie that I totally went down in the V.I.P. room at_______ (fill in posh club name here)." Also, and this is a message to all women, its hard to take you seriously when you say you've had your heart broken... and two nights later your fucking some other dude. Still, condolences to Kim. We can only pray that your millions of unearned dollars, italian sports cars, and father's obnoxiously large house (bought with the blood money of a thousand guilty men let free) will comfort you.

Personally, when a girl "breaks my heart", I handle it by rubbing one out to Kim Kardashian. Oooh! There's another coping mechanism for you! Stare at yourself in a mirror and masturbate vigorously. Repeat three times a day for six weeks, always with makeup on, and never after eating. At the conclussion of the six week term, collect all videotaped observation of your "treatment" and send it me, care of my penis. Thats about the best advice I can give to you. Oh, and that you have a HUGE ASS. Just thought you should be reminded again.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

I like where this is going...

Catherine Zeta-Jones is going around stirring up rumors that she will appear nude in her next film. Surprisingly, Zeta-Jones has been complaining about how she is too often portrayed in "motherly" roles, often in family and/or romantic comedies. The 38-year old actress claims she has yet to reach her "sexiest point" yet, and is hoping to cultivate her sexual appeal for future roles.

Yes. Yes, I would like to see you naked, Mrs. Michael Douglas. I will admit that you are nowhere near the top of my list of celebrities I'd like to see naked (#1... Larry Bud Melman), but I think I'm ready to take this relationship to the next step (the previous step being politely ignoring you... the next one being frantically masturbating to you). But more so than the actual nudity, I like the message this fine woman is conveying. She should do some motivational speaking to the younger generation of actresses, detailing how Oscar-winning actresses are not only fine with doing nudity on screen... but also crave it. Like a lioness craves sweet, sweet leopard meat. Ok, sure, lions don't eat leopards usually. But in the playground that is my mind, they do it all the time, baby. Wearing jet packs, and wielding broadswords, I might add. Seriously, it IS pretty awesome.

Anyways, good for you, Catherine *spoken with flawless, British diction*. Way to be a cougar. (hmmm.. a cougar... fighting a lion... fighting a leopard... on a PIRATE SHIP! QUICK! Someone call Hollywood! Tell them Admiral Creativity has got another one!)

Source (IDLYITW)...

Douchebag Moment of The Day

Joe Francis, complete douchebag and creator of the Girls Gone Wild DVD collection, was sentenced to time served accorging to TMZ. He will also be on six months "non reporting" probation, whatever that means. Girls Gone Wild will also not be allowed to film in Bay County for 3 years. Joe will receive his not so new Ferrari and $60, 000 cash that was confiscated during the arrest.

Now, I normally wouldn't really care about this in any way because I do believe that this guy is the biggest douchebag on the planet. But, I am looking forward to seeing the Girls Gone Wild commercials again while watching late night infomercials. I love those things. The best one is the "Set it and forget it" infomercial. Seriously, that rotisserie is so cool, I bought one but have never used it. Wait, I'm lying....I used it once with two small chickens. I "set it and forgot about it", the chickens were burnt beyond recogniton. But I still love to stare at it in my closet. It is next to the Salton sandwich maker that was used once to make a grilled cheese sandwich. It has not been used since because it is actually easier to make it in a frying pan. That thing is a bitch to clean up.

But seriously, what has this guy contributed to societyother then shit I can see on the internet? Plus, I do this everyday when I go to the local coffee shop. Granted I don't take pictures or video of them and give them free t-shirts. Wait, I should totally do that. Hand out t-shirts with my face on them to girls that go to the local coffee shop. The catch-they must buy me a cup of coffee and pour it down their bodies into my mouth. Yeah, I'm going to go and do that now. I love my life. *sigh of disgust*

Read more at TheSuperficial

-Cambodian Monk-

Yo, man. I'm getting the shakes. I need to taste the rainbow!

An eighth-grade Honors student in New Haven, CT has been suspended from school, stripped of his class Vice President title and barred from attending the Honors program dinner for purchasing Skittles from another classmate on school grounds. This was a violation of Connecticut's school wellness policy dating back to 2003.

Well, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Connecticut is a brutal, fascist, third-world country dressed up like a WASP-y, tasteless, cultural black hole of a state. This is literally the place where fun goes to die. "Sure, I can afford a thirty-two acre farm in upstate New York... but, you know, I've always wanted a half-acre right next to a hundred-thousand other assholes without personality... that way we can complain about the 'minorities' and the estate tax at our ritalin-devouring children's soccer games!" These are the same people that try to convince you of their rich culture by forcing you to go to a Boy Scout revolutionary-era presentation on how to make apple cider, or something similarly irrelevant and boring... at 9am on a Sunday fucking morning. So, in closing, fuck Connecticut and everyone who lives there. Your only purpose is to provide a nearby place to buy Powerball tickets.

And kid, next time just buy drugs from your classmate. It'll give you something to do during the suspension... and all the other kids will think you're cooooool. Plus, there's the added bonus of probably ruining your chances at getting into an Ivy League school, and therefore shattering your soul-dead parents' dreams in the process. Two birds, son. Two birds.

Source (CNN.com)...

Parents are Dumb, too.

A Texas woman threw her two children off of an overpass this morning in an apparent murder-suicide attempt. However, although the trio fell onto another busy highway, all three survived (perhaps because it was only a 22-foot fall). Still, it should be mentioned that the police said all three in question were struck by several cars before they could shut down the roadway. Its been reported that the woman had an argument with her husband at a nearby gas station, and took the two children from the car they'd all been travelling in. From there she walked to the overpass while her unsuspecting husband paid for their gas. The husband drove after her, but arrived only in time to see her go over following the children. All three are in good condition at a local hospital.

I absolutely love ill-planned suicide attempts. Its almost like after they fail you can hear the classic "bwaaa bwaaa" noise. And this one is even better, since now the offending party has to answer not only for her own sanity, but for the lives of her nearly-killed children. Sounds like somebody's going away for awhile. You have to give it to this husband, however. Had it been me, I probably would've come out of the gas station to see them gone and mutter something about my significant other before driving home angry. I would've been into my second hour of Call of Duty 4 before the cops even told me what had happened. My response: "I'll be right down the station, Officer"... and then continue to play for another hour before maybe getting a sandwich... and leaving the state.

Source (CNN.com)...

Turn On The Red Light!

Elliot Spitzer, Governor of New York, has resigned from his position after yesterday's revelation that he had been a frequent customer of an escort service. Spitzer supposedly spent over $80,000 over the years with the "Emperor's Club", and found himself in a awkward position after cracking down so ruthlessly on prostitution during his days as the state's Attorney General before winning the Governor's chair in 2006. Spitzer, who is married, officially announced his resignation this morning, citing the classic reason of not wanting to sully his office or administration with this scandal.

First off, is the country really naive enough to believe that ANY famous male does not, at least occasionally, employ prostitutes. Listen, of course you can get almost any girl you want with the money and power afforded by fame. However, if I was rich and famous, I'd STILL go to the Bunny Ranch for at least three weeks a year. ONLY the rich and famous, as a matter of fact, should take the whore option. Us poor people are usually deterred from that route merely by the toothlessness of any prostitute that costs less than $10. But if you can afford the $5,000/hour variety, god bless you. For I surely do.

However, if you're a politician, MAAAAAYBE you might want to consider being a little bit more clandestine about it. Same rule goes for drugs. When your only marketable talent is the ability to make people, even a few, believe that you are a good and moral person; perhaps you shouldn't give them too much evidence to the contrary. Its like a comedian who stops trying to be funny. We don't need you anymore, especially if you were responsible for making it tougher for us to pay for aforementioned Hookers at the Point... while you get your balls tickled by three Thai college students in a gold leaf bubble bath.

Yes, I've mentioned the Bunny Ranch twice in two days. But frankly, I think that place is more magical than Disney World. If I ever won the lotto, the first six months afterward would be spent in Nevada, lets just say that.

Amusing side note: the crudely MS Paint-ed photo up there is actually an alteration of this photo (above) featuring none other than Fox News mouthpiece, Sean Hannity.

Source (CNN.com)...

Hair Fetish.

Leelee Sobieski recently admitted that she collects locks of hair from famous people as a hobby. Sobieski's collection includes Albert Brooks, Tim Allen, Martin Short and Stanley Kubrick.

I know there should be more details fleshing this story out up there in the first paragraph. But, really, is there anything more you need to know. Save, perhaps, for whether or not the aforementioned hair was given up voluntarily or not, I guess. That might be an important detail. Failing that information however, I'm going to go ahead and assume that Leelee Sobieski sneaks up to Beverly Hills on Friday nights for a well-mannered evening of breaking and entering. Honestly, I guess Sobieski is hot, in that maybe-she's-from-the-Balkans-and-therefore-will-sell-her-body-for-6-American-dollars kind-of way. But look at that face... this is not the image you want to wake up to... standing with a blank stare over your bed with a sharp object in her hand.

Or maybe it is. Mmmm. Nothing says loving like a pair of rusty, gardening sheers impaled through your ribcage at the moment of sexual climax. I'm pretty sure this was established during that love scene from Dirty Dancing. "Cause I've... had... the time of my life... *ARGHHH!*". Isn't the way I remember movies so much more entertaining (read: blindingly horrific) than the originals?

Source (TheBlemish)...

Geri Halliwell is the Miracle Worker

Geri Halliwell, formerly of the Spice Girls (for the second time), has been touched by... THE POWER. When singing for a comatose, 14-year old stroke victim during a recent hospital visit, Geri's "melodious" (read: cockney) voice caused the young girl to stir. The victim reportedly began slightly moving her arms and legs along the Geri's singing, and fully awoke for the first time the following day. The girl in question suffered a stroke after being stabbed thirty times last month.

Nothing says "act of divine intervention" like a washed-up pop singer/former porn model reviving a sickly child. The easy route here would be to tell a joke somehow involving the little girl awakening merely to tell this haggard trolip to shut her bleedin' gob. But British vernacular humor aside, I think I'll go with the fact that a girl who is 14 now would've been 4 when the Spice Girls were popular, hence probably was wondering just who the fuck this wrinkly harlot standing next to her hospital bed when she came to. "Oy! What's all this then? Who is this daft bint?! Fuckin' 'ell, the last thing I know, I'm spilling the red stuff all over the cobbles... and now I've got this bird in my bleedin' ear! How's that for a slice of fried gold?"

See. I did it, anyway. Teehee.
Source (Celebitchy)...

NFL Offseason Update

A little more free agency and legal news in the NFL this afternoon. God, September can't come fast enough, can it?

- The Arizona Cardinals resigned WR Larry Fitzgerald to a four-year, $40 million contract. Fitzgerald is probably Arizona's greatest offensive weapon at the moment, so resigning him was a must for the franchise. The deal will allow the Cardinals to free up almost $8 million in salary cap room.

- The Tampa Bay Bucs have signed RB Warrick Dunn, bringing the recently floundering runner back to Tampa Bay after a six-year absence. Dunn, one of the most popular players in Bucs history (the third all-time rusher in team history), was traded to the Atlanta Falcons in 2002. Dunn put up solid numbers for the first few years, but watched his numbers go the way of the rest of the Falcons in recent history. Details of the deal have yet to be released.

- The St. Louis Rams have signed QB Trent Green to a three-year, $8.9 million deal. Green played for the Rams in 2000-2001 season before being traded to the Kansas City Chiefs. Green will be fulfilling the backup role behind starter, Marc Bulger, now that he has been medically cleared from his serious concussion last season.

- RB Shawn Alexander's relationship with the Seattle Seahawks has begun to seriously fray after the announced signing of former Cowboy running back, Julius Jones, yesterday. Alexander's agent has commented that the 2005 MVP was upset with Seattle's new arrangement, and would be sitting down with the organization this week to discuss what future, if any, he would have with the team. Alexander has been marred by injury and mediocre-to-poor performance since signing his blockbuster deal with Seattle following his record-breaking 2005-2006 season.

- WR Dwayne Jarrett of the Carolina Panthers was arrested and charged with driving while impaired early this morning. In his rookie year this past season, Jarrett was a non-factor with a season total of six catches for seventy-three yards, with no touchdowns.

- Negotiations between the government and former Patriots video assistant, Matt Walsh, are continuing in regards to immunity in exchange for his testimony concerning New England's supposedly illegal taping procedures. Though a deal appears inevitable, progress has gone slow thus far. Furthermore, Walsh refuses to comment upon the information he possesses until he can be sure he will not face litigious reprecussions from his former employers, the New England Patriots.

Source (ESPN.com)...

Kristin Cavallari is a tease.

Kristin Cavallari is appearing in a new movie (apparently direct-to-DVD, 'cause I've never heard of it) called Fingerprints, in which she comes as close as humanly possible to being topless... but cock-blocks us all at the last moment. For an actress with no discernable talent, and whose greatest resume booster is the still Laguna Beach, you'd figure she would've employed her only redeemable trait: her tantalizing breasts. But alas, she was fine with going topless enough to not be considered classy... yet not enough to be considered nudity.

I'm calm. I'm not going to rant. I've been way to chauvenistic lately, and I'm gonna do my best to control myself.... *twitch*... I mean, its her decision after all *twitch*.... and its not like---*twitch* FUCK IT! I can't take it anymore. What's wrong with you?! The only reason I've deigned your name important enough to remember is because of the prospect of possibly seeing you naked one day. And now you have the unmitigated gaul to tease me like this!

For those of you who have lost the ability to tell when I'm fake indignant and actually mad, don't worry... I can't tell anymore either.

Source (Egotastic!)...

John Stamos is an Idiot.

Rebecca Romijn recently appeared in a new ad campaign for Bebe, and god damn if it doesn't make the penis happy. Maybe not crazy, giddy, pop-out-in-public and leading to arrest kind-of happy. More like the I-wish-I-in-a-private-place kind-of happy. Still, thats a respectable body she's got there. I know Rebecca is doing something right now, but it escapes me. She did marry Jerry O'Connell, or got engaged to him, or something like that. So I'm just going to go ahead and assume she is remaking Sliders.

What? Too dated of a reference for you? Well, making such a reference allows me to imagine teaming Rebecca Romijn with Kari Wuhrer. Thats right. I'll go that extra mile to create a lesbian fantasy. What have you done for lesbian fantasies lately? ...I thought so. Remember, people, lesbian fantasies are a gift, not a right... and if we don't do everything we can to ensure they will forever continue, then they may be lost to us forever. And. I. Refuse. To. Let. That. Happen.

Yeah, I know, weak sauce. I'm sorry, I'll try harder to be funny next time, Dad. Wait! Stop pummeling me! Your fists are painful to my face!

Source (TheBlemish)...

Catty Bitches

Several popular female comedians are appearing in this month's issue of Vanity Fair, sending up the great celebrity walking disasters of their gender. Some notables include Jenna Fischer doing her best Lindsay Lohan, and Sarah Silverman doing a frighteningly accurate Amy Winehouse. Others appearing include Tina Fey, Maya Rudolph and Wanda Sykes. The accompanying article focuses on how female comedy is far different than that of their male counterparts because the "industry" has placed an emphasis on attractive women, and molds the material of said genre to be sexually oriented.

Fair enough. I'll admit most popular female comedians are attractive, or at least marginally so (save Wanda Yikes... ), but if female comedy is completely based around sex, then someone explain to me why Tina Fey doesn't perform her bits while having graphic, almost uncomfortable-to-watch intercourse on stage. You heard me. At the very least, flash some nip. You know, something! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can sense your rolling eyes and heckling jabs already... but what you fail to realize is that I am completely serious. When is someone going to get Sarah Silverman and Tina Fey together, so I can scream "kiss!... c'mon... do it! do it! do it!" at my television screen like a caveman. Fire! Fire! Fire, good! Lesbians, better! etc. etc. etc.

Holy Shit! Third picture... they heard me... Uh-oh, Vanity Fair can read my thoughts.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Casting Call

A Scientologist escapee is claiming that Tom Cruise hoodwinked several leading women in Hollywood to audition for the role of his wife, before eventually settling on Katie Holmes in 2005. Reportedly, Scientology leaders dispatched several employees of the "church" to recruit actresses who were in their 20's for a supposed upcoming Cruise movie. However, when reporting for their audition, these actresses were scouted as potential wife material, and the Cruise project turned out to be only a lure. Apparently, Cruise was shot down by Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, and fellow Scientologist Erica Christensen. Hilariously, Scarlett Johansson reportedly was excited for her audition, only to "freak out" when her limo pulled up infront of one of the Scientology offices and refused to go inside. Eventually, the wife-scouts caught word that Katie Holmes was nursing a childhood crush on Tom, and arranged their meeting (one can only assume the "contract" was hashed out soon afterward... I'd imagine the first sentence included the words: "seperate bedrooms" and "open mind towards homosexuality").

This is just about how I pictured it. I've never quite understood why Tom Cruise is so deadset on pretending to be heterosexual, especially in today's Hollywood. All of this has sounded alot more like it belongs in a tawdry novel about 1940's Hollywood... you know, the ones that always postulate classic actors and actresses your grandparents loved recklessly doing drugs, having Roman Empire-sytle orgies, and "accidentally" murdering around half-a-dozen callgirls (or boys) a piece. Maybe thats the true purpose of Scientology: to make the entertainment industry as cloak-and-dagger and overall creepy as it was in yesteryear.

Poor Katie Holmes, though. Your dead eyes and joyless smile cannot hide the fact that you fear for your life on a daily basis. I know your pride won't let you, but you have to call Dawson. Tell him you're scared and you want to come home. You'll be catching lyme disease on the banks of that fucking creek again in no time. It always upsets me to see a young woman who has given so much to the world* be treated in such a way.

* - Have you SEEN "The Gift"?

Source (Celebitchy)...

The McCarthy Hypothesis

Jenny McCarthy has been campaigning across all facets of the media for unorthodox autism treatments recently. McCarthy, whose son is autistic, claims that she has found a regimen that helps off-set the worst symptoms of the disorder through control of diet and vitamin supplements. The former Playboy centerfold claims to have gathered extensive evidence of her approach's positive results by visiting mothers across the country with autistic children, but has been thus far ignored by the medical establishment.

Well, to be fair, you can't really blame the medical community for not being able to take McCarthy quite so seriously. After all, up until around five years ago, this girl was known best for being sublimely hot and making fart jokes every twenty seconds. However, to counterpoint that, I'd have to say its at least worth a shot to see if this lady's on to something. Frankly, autism scares the shit out of me. Those guys can kick my ass at Guitar Hero. Perfecting "Through the Fire and the Flames" on Expert?! Impossible!

Although, should autism prove incurable, I'm sure there's some job in the Defense department we are overlooking that these kids would be perfect for. Let them pilot the unmanned Predators or something. However, again, maybe we should listen to Jenny McCarthy's idea before we go with mine. I'll grant that my idea will probably end with a very Orwellian result, involving superchildren hooked up to I.V.'s for sustinance so that they might control our drone armies 24 hours a day without breaks. Then again, all my ideas seem to culiminate in horrific, post-apocalyptic futures. And besides, Jenny McCarthy's breasts have never done me wrong. They are wise beyond their years (12 yrs old for the right one, 6 years for the left).

Source (Celebitchy)...

Programming Note

In case you were wondering, no... I haven't forgotten about Britney Spears. Literally, could you? Even if you wanted to (and I so desperately do)? Whilst I troll other blogs and sites looking for something fantastically interesting that it needs to be reposted here, or something that gives the mildest excuse for plastering breasts all over the page, I have to sift through ten Britney stories just to find one that has nothing to do with her. In response, I've actually chosen to no longer believe any of these "new developments" in the continual cycle of Spears' perpetual breakdown/recovery. It just gets to a point where you're getting slammed with ridiculous stories, one trumping the other every hour on the hour, that your cynic reflex should effectively cut off your ability to care.

Example: in the last week, I've heard the following stories...

1) Britney Spears aborted her child with Justin Timberlake when she 20.

2) Britney Spears was either molested and/or raped by a family friend when she was a child.

3) Britney Spears kept a loaded gun under her pillow while she slept in the same bed as her children, highly intoxicated at the time.

4) Britney Spears mixed grain alcohol into her youngest son's bottle to help him fall asleep so she could have sex with her then-manager, Sam Lufti.

5) Britney Spears is married again.

6) Britney Spears is pregnant again.

And many, many, MANY more. Hence, until something happens that I find entertaining, or (less likely) relevant, I'm taking a break from the Britney Spears saga. All I'll say is this: I called all of this in 1998. Told ya so. Bitches.

Uber-Fantasy Camp

Billy Crystal signed a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees today, allowing him to play in Thursdays exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Crystal, a lifelong Yankee fan, produced the film "61*" years ago, which portrayed the 1961 Yankees season in which Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle competed to best Babe Ruth's single-season home run record. A fixture at Yankee Stadium throughout his career, Crystal will sport the number 60 in honor of his upcoming 60th birthday.

Ok. Let's skip the: "Ha Ha Ha, the Yankees are so desperate, they're signing a past-his-prime comedian!" jokes... mainly because they aren't jokes... they're the literary equivilent of a drinking flat Mountain Dew. In any case, I'm more curious about just how much fame it takes to graduate from Fantasy Camp status to actual Contract status. What exactly pushed Billy Crystal over the top? City Slickers 2: The Search for Curley's Gold? Honestly, has he done anything else since then? I'm almost sure he hosted another Oscars ceremony, but I can't be sure. I need to know. If my only ticket into a New York Football Giants uniform is to dig up the bones of Jack Palance and make some second-rate family comedies, then prepare yourself for Huntin' Buddies... a wacky adventure through the Pacific Northwest, where a naive, young male billionaire (yours truly) gets taught about life, love and how to properly kill a Kodiak bear using only a plastic spoon by my grizzled trailguide, Bubs MacBlavin (Palance). Its gold, I tell you! Pure, Hollywood, Exploding Gold!


On a side note, why are the only "fantasy camps" sports-related? Why no sexual fantasy camps? Oh wait. The Bunny Ranch. Right.

All this can be yours... for about $5,000/hour

Source (FoxSports.com)...

New Muse Tour DVD Imminent!

Muse, probably the best rock band in the world right now, will be releasing their newest concert tour DVD a week from today, on March 17th. For those of you new to the site, Muse is THE best live act in music currently. Its not often I watch a tour DVD more than once, but I must admit that I've replayed the Absolution Tour DVD that came with Black Holes and Revelations at least a few hundred times. The new disc, titled HAARP, will include both of their landmark shows from Wembley Stadium last June. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to this enough that I just might have to contract a serious illness next Monday and miss work in order to spend a relaxing day with my greatest man-crush: Matthew Bellamy. I'll pour us both a nice cup of coffee and lay out a spread of fine pastries for our romantic day together, feeding his share to him by smashing cookies into the television screen while I giggle playfully. "C'mon, Matt... you're just skin and bones!"

The tracklisting for the aforementioned audiogasm follows:

1) Knights of Cydonia... 2) Hysteria... 3) Supermassive Black Hole... 4) Map of the Problematique... 5) Butterflies and Hurricanes... 6) Hoodoo... 7) Apocalypse Please... 8) Feeling Good... 9) Invincible... 10) Starlight... 11) Time is Running Out... 12) New Born... 13) Soldier's Poem... 14) Unintended... 15) Blackout... 16) Plug-In Baby... 17) Stockholm Syndrome... 18) Take A Bow

Yes, there is also an accompanying c.d., much like their previous release Hullaballo, but I am currently choosing to ignore that.. solely because it proves that they did indeed play "Micro Cuts" on the last tour... yet never at a show I was present for! God, I need to move to England.... OR, maybe I'll move England to me. Mwahahaha *begins hatching mad scientist-esque plan for Country relocation... perhaps involving a comically large amount of helicopters and steel cables* Oh, what am I doing? I know that I'll just lose interest about halfway through the project and discard it behind the nearly-completed weather-manipulation machine.

Source (NME.com)...

Countdown to Absolution

Emma Watson is just under a month from her 18th birthday, and every blog on the internet seems to be counting down the days now. Granted, we all want to feel just a little less shady for finding Emma attractive. But what exactly is everyone expecting to happen on April 15th? Everytime one of these young starlets starts creeping up to the magic number 18, everyone starts acting like the day after their birthday they will release a hardcore porn video... or at the very least a Playboy spread. First, when has that happened... ever?! I don't even believe the actual pornography sites that claim they signed their girls on the exact day of their 18th. Hence if you can't get real porn stars to do it, how do you plan on getting legitimate actresses to? Second, and this one is mildly more serious: what REAL difference does that day make, buddy? You've obviously been digging this girl for awhile now, and this does not retroactively wash away any skeeviness you might have already stained thy self with.

Tip for the future, just always say that _____ WILL be hot someday. Everyone already knows what you really mean, but they will usually pretend you're a normal human being. Only you and I really know that this is far, far, far from the case. Don't worry, bud, your secret is safe with me.

Hey, everyone! Did you hear what this sicko just told me about Emma Watson?! What a fucking freak!