A Reminder

Hillary Swank, best known for breaking her own neck and Clint Eastwood's heart, lit up the red carpet at the Calvin Klein underwear show the other night. And thanks to In Case You Didn't Know, we are all reminded of Hillary's own amazing CK photo shoot some years back. Now, Ms. Swank is celebrity I find attractive, but no one else on this blog agrees with me. More specifically, I have been accused of having a crush on a transexual for digging her, on several occasions. Which raises two interesting observations: 1) I may, in fact, be the most closeted homosexual in history, so much so that even I don't know that I'm gay*; and 2) that my co-contributor(s) base their accounts of celebrities' actual lives upon whichever movie they happen to see said celebrity appear in first. Since I happened upon her first in her seminal work Buffy the Vampire Slayer (movie), I guess I immediately associate her with a bit part slutty cheerleader. Nevertheless, here's my exhibit A for defending my sexuality.

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Hillary at the Event.... Flanked by Hillary AS the Event.

* - Honestly, who am I kidding? I'm gayer than sixteen Rose Parades going down Castro St. blasting Streisand almost as loud as my rainbow trenchcoat and fuzzy pink codpiece. sKiTtLeS!

Source (ICYDK)...

Shannon Elizabeth Makes Me Feel Old

Shannon Elizabeth, best known for having little problem with gratuitous nudity, turned 34 yesterday. Which is semi-frightening, because it reminds me that she was 26 when American Pie came out, an age I am rapidly approaching. Why frightening? Because I was in the depths of high school when this movie came out. Furthermore, think about how often you saw this girl a mere 8 years ago, and now..... she might as well not exist. *Shudder* I can feel the icy fingers of death tightening around my throat. Sure, you may say that getting freaked out about entering your later twenties isn't reasonable, but when you've been smoking six packs of Uncle Joe's Real Man Cigarettes a day, mid-twenties = late-sixties. Uncle Joe's secret ingredient: substitute tobacco-based tar for road-repaving-based tar. That'll put hair on yer peaches.

Angry Sex... Like REEALLY Angry.

Ashlee Simpson, best known for originating in the Deeper Well, has been popping up all around the net recently in regards to her unholy union of annoyance to should-be-starved-to-death musical abortion, Pete Wenz. However, since I currently refuse to acknowledge Wenz's derivative and vastly untalented band, I'll harp upon Ashlee's new... uh... everything, apparently. It must suck to pour hundreds of thousands of dollars into plastic surgery, only to still be the lesser Simpson. Sure, I suppose I'd sleep with you... but only so that when you fall asleep afterwards, I can put a discreet webcam in your sister's shower. By this point, you'd probably be best served by lez-ing out with your own sibling for my enjoyment. I take it that the "keep it in the family rule" isn't unknown to the Simpson house.

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Alright, to be totally honest, yeah I'd enjoy fucking this girl. Granted, she's one of the all-time most infamous "two-faces". But still she falls under that thin category of annoyance and rage translating into lust. You know how it is. Don't you? Oh.... well, you're just a prude then, Father Donovan. I thought you said we could talk about anything.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Tats Addams

Ah, the perfect way to start off this fine (read: suicide-inducing) Saturday morning: unsolicited exposed celebrity rack. Christina Ricci, best known for being the late M. Bison's gothic daughter and having breast reduction surgery, let the left cat out of the bag recently. Double-stick tape fails again. Hooray for Double-stick tape!
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Though I think it should be pointed out that, despite the aforementioned breast reduction surgery, Ricci has retained a fairly respectable pair. However, is it wrong that whenever I see this girl, I still think of her as Wednesday Addams. Which leads me to believe that having sex with her might conclude in being flushed down a series of hilariously sadistic tubes leading to inexplicable torture chambers. And all the while I'm screaming, a family of homicidal maniacs are snapping their damn fingers and singing. Kinda like a visit to Grandpa's. Only less autoerotic aspyhixiation.
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Some Ricci Appreciation, the pic in question in through the link.

Source (NSFW) (Egotastic!).....

Be Less Physically Modest, Be More ACTUALLY Modest

Avril Lavigne, whose souless music is not sufficient enough to negate her incredible looks, recently gave an interview with Q magazine, a British music publication which if you don't currently read, you should. Anyways, said interview consisted mostly of Ms. Lavigne doing the self-satisfied West Coast liberal thing:

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On dealing with her incredible success:

“Selling 24 million albums hasn’t really affected me, but it has changed things. I can’t walk into a room full of people any more without everybody turning their heads, and I can only eat in certain restaurants where I know I won’t get hassled. But that’s OK. I was born to do this, and so I’ve learned how to cope.”
On her competition:

"Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I’m tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It’s good if you’re not easily ignored. And I’m not.”
On her generosity:

“I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, ‘Take it to Katrina!’ I also like to give stuff to people who are my ‘workers,’ especially if they don’t make much money.”
On her polarizing personality:

“People love me and people hate me, but I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you’re the loser, not me.”

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*Sigh*... Fair enough, I suppose if you get filthy rich overnight, as only the entertainment industry, state lottery and trafficking illegal drugs can provide, the least harmful response is to be charitable. But, can't these people be silently charitable? It kinda voids the point if you talk up your own good deeds. And furthermore, six boxes?! Considering that Avril has to be worth probably somewhere between 10-15 million at least, shouldn't those six boxes be filled with hundred dollar bills? I repeat: *Sigh*. On top of this, now she's sporting one of the strangest hairstyles I've ever seen. Its like punk W.A.S.P. I don't know whether she wants to have a polite, good-china worthy dinner or blow rails down at C.B.G.B.'s. In either case, yet again, I will let it go based on her aethestic appearance. Because to me, with no joke intended, Canadian is the hottest of the caucasian nationalities. Oh, what I would give to get drunk with Avril on actually good domestic beer, cover her in maple syrup and have tantric sex on a hockey rink.

Sidney McVicious, III vs. Roughsex McPoserton

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Full Story (TheBlemish)...

Rise of the Mecha

One of the flagships of the anime invasion from back in the 80's is getting the big-screen treatment as of an announcement today. Robotech, an amalgamation of the popular Macross series', will be released as a live-action theatrical film, and is looking to star Tobey Maguire.

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Alright, I'll give them this: as far as giant fighting robot franchises go, Robotech is one of the better ones. And its story is far more deserving of a film adaptation than Transformers (a show, which most forget was made solely to sell toys at Christmas... and therefore my generation's Pokemon). Additionally, these robots don't transform from tremendous, anthropamorphic killing machines into tape cassette players. More like tremendous, antropamorphic killing machines into a more jet fighter-shaped tremendous killing machine. Not to mention that one of them is the size of New York City, and is used in much the same way. However, when are we, as a nation, going to realize that our future rests not in creating extravagant films depicting giant fighting robots, but in the creation of these highly impractical weapons of mass destruction themselves. Or we can just sit around, eat popcorn and giggle to ourselves while a Japanese laser-sight is affixed to the back our heads, which is in turn affixed to the left arm of a 14-story, twelve hundred ton, leviathan with plasma cannons. Our only defense: as whiny as Americans can be, the Japanese teens that are apparently the only beings capable of piloting such a vehicle are ten times worse. "You can't make me attack California, General Tetsuo! You're not my real dad! I'm gonna go listen to some Japanese-equivilant Nirvana*!"

* - Is there such a thing? If so, I'd love to hear it.
Souce (IWatchStuff)....

Victory Rose

Sigur Ros, an Icelandic juggernaut of haunting atmospheric rock, has re-emerged for the first time since the release of the landmark second album, Takk, to present the trailer for their upcoming movie, Heima, which chronicles their free concert tour across Iceland. "Re-emerged" as in "released something in America". But, to be honest, from one look at their home country in this video, I can see why it has the highest suicide per capita rate in the world. Its fucking beautiful, and I'd actually love to live there. But that doesn't change the fact that I'd inevitably kill myself after about 72 hours. If only from failing to find a way to add lots of missing accents and umlauts from everything I type.

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If you have a free moment, and are unfamiliar with Sigur Ros, might I suggest you check out: "Njosnavelian" (The Nothing Song); "Glosoli" or "Milano". And might I also suggest to aquire them illegally. Though not by internet piracy.. I mean, ACTUAL piracy. I expect certain timbers to be well shivered.

Best. Commercial. Ever.

So, to make up for my obvious slacking I bring you the greatest advertisement to ever cross my plain of sight. It's an ad for Cadbury's chocolate, it's completely irreverant and irrelevant and that's what makes it work. I'm pretty sure the Cadbury people knew that. Now when you hear people say, "The guy in the monkey suit" they're actually NOT talking about Phill Collins. Although Phil's forehead is larger than the ape's.

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-SlapChicken-

Simpson Recovers Hotness; World Sighs in Relief

Jessica Simpson, who gets alot more attention on this site with every passing day, pulled a Mandy Moore this week, scaring us all with hotness possibly lost, but then making up for it with her own brand of "mmmm". Which, as opposed to Moore's cuteness factor, is actually forgetting to wear a bra for Jessica. Listen, I know she's a singer... or an actress... or whatever the fuck she believes herself to be this week... but when are we gonna call it like it is? Tats-Famous. I know that could be a hell of alot more clever, but its blunt stupidity echoes the reaction of every straight male, gay female... or sexualized robot whenever they see her. No matter the power of your vocabulary, in the end your precise train of thought runs something like this: "Wow, look... Jessica Sim---- Oh my god, those are fantastic!..... Wait... What was I thinking?.... Who am I?... " and so on. All I know is that when I see this girl, endorphines are released throughout my brain. Plus, it reminds me of the single shred of heterosexuality that is still holding strong.... just before I remove the penis from my mouth.

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Odd Looking (TheSuperficial)...

Redeemed(TheSuperficial)...

Vanessa Hudgens' Alleged Nudity. Niiiiice.

Vanessa Hudgens, best known for her role in the inexplicably popular High School Musical, has commited the original sin of young female celebrities: allowed herself to photographed nude. Or, more specifically, took pictures of herself nude, and tried to send them to her boyfriend, High School Musical co-star Zac Efron. While no one has come forward with concrete proof that this picture is indeed authentic, it is not obviously digitally-altered, and the likeness is remarkable. Of course, such a picture can put the future of the extremely profitable Disney Channel show in doubt.
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Rookie move, Vanessa, rookie move. Since, even being the cynic I am, this picture looks pretty damn real, if EXTREMELY grainy, it is now inevitable that you will eventually be forced to address it. And if history is any meter, you have two options from this point on: play the role of a whore (and then grow out of it) or be an actual whore (forever and ever). Might I suggest the former, if you intend on having an acting career. Or, perhaps the latter, if you'd rather orally pleasure me for a living. And by "living", I mean "supplied with bologna sandwiches within your spacious, and well-decorated, cage". Its gotta be better than dating a guy who looks like a young, yet militant, lesbian.

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The Picture in Question (NSFW)

Other Pics of Vanessa to contrast...

Source (TheBlemish)...

"... the Republic will be reorganized into the Virgin Galactic Empire!"

Spaceport America, the first major commerical space travel departure point on Earth, has been announced to open in 2010. The site, located in New Mexico, will be the hub for Virgin Galactic air(space?)lines, which will ferry afluent people from terra firma to the orbiting Galactic Suites Space Hotel. It will also be the headquarters of XPrize Cup and Rocket Racing League.
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Right off the bat, let me say that we, as a civilization, missed a golden opportunity to name this thing "Mos Eisley". However, failing that glorious hypothetical scenario, the very existence of a spaceport on Earth is enough to divert blood flow to the southern hemisphere of my body. Granted, it only flies one place. And that one place won't be finished until two years after the spaceport. And that one place will also only be applicable for the roughly 40,000 out of the 7 billion human beings on the planet, who can afford the $4 million dollar fee. But still.... ITS A FUCKING SPACEPORT!!
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Look for scattered news reports about a troubled youth chopping off odd-looking bar patrons' arms in about a year. When witnesses will be questioned, they will reveal that the youth left the bar only after a large, hairy man and scruffy rogue informed him that their vessel was capable of avoiding "Imperial entanglements". Which translates to "being able to avoid Richard Branson.... at all costs".










Source (Geekologie)...

Ladies and Gentlemen... President Walking Joke

Law and Order District Attorney, oh... and United States Senator from Tennessee, Fred Thompson has officially announced his presidential canidacy. The announcement came during Thompson's appearance on The Tonight Show last night. Thompson hopes to consolidate the yet-unclaimed Republican base, who have yet to forcefully back any particular GOP candidate.
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Its always fun to get so psyched up about a pseudo-celebrity running for elected office, especially when he actually has weaker convictions than Governor Dutch (aka Jack Matrix, aka Jack Slater, aka John Kruger, aka Prince Hapi, aka Victor Freeze, aka John Kimble, aka Douglas Quaid, etc.*). Seriously, are we really, as a country, going to elect Fred Thompson? I mean, it seems like an obvious "no" answer, but I can't put it past middle-American electoral votes anymore. Nevertheless, I don't think even Americans are capable of electing this walking Government pension check. I'm sure presidential issues are easily solved by a two-minute, quip-heavy meeting with Secretary of Defense Jack McCoy and Secretary of State Ms. Whatever-Hot-Snobby-Looking-Girl-Is-Working-For-McCoy-This-Season. And if Iran launches a nuclear ICBM at Vancouver, you can place the entire city of Tehran in the gas chamber. Or, if they have a good lawyer, plea em down to first degree genocidal manslaughter.
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Ok. I've kinda meandered around this thing, and have not been very coherent. So let's not be funny. Lets be honest: Fred Thompson believes that the Iraq War is entirely necessary, subscribing to the "We Have to Fight Them Over There Instead of Here" flawed philosophy; is against any and all form of gay rights; posseses the uniquely-delusional and antithetical duality of being pro-death sentence and anti-abortion; has an astounding record of accused corruption and one of the highest Senate absence counts currently; and is married to a half-his-age trophy wife, who happens to be a major (if terrible) Republican fundraiser. In other words, meet one of the world's top twenty living douche bags. Here's to less Law & Order repeats for the next year!
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* - More Fun than Fred Thompson... More Arnie names: (cont'd)... Howard Langston, Julius Benedict, Kalidor, Conan, Harry Tasker, Adam Gibson, Cyberdyne Systems Model t-101, Gordy Brewer, Baron Von Stueben... and my personal favorite: Jericho Cane.

Full Story (CNN)....

Hilton Wants Baby; Child Services Already Looking for Hilton

Paris Hilton. Thats all that need be said of her. You know the rest. UNTIL NOW! Because apparently Ms. Hilton is tired of the hopelessly-vacuous club tramp look, and will be trading in that look for soccer mom as of next year. Or so she claims.

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What don't people know about you?

“I wanna have like a family and a guy. Y’know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it.”
How does one prepare to change her entire life overnight?

“I just started working out and it feels great. It gives me so much energy. I want kids next year, so I've got to get my body ready.”
How do you plan to meet Mr. Right?

“I used to care about looks, but I've grown out of that stage. They have to be a good person, someone I know would be a good husband, loyal and funny and smart. And somebody I can trust, with good chemistry. But I don't know, I like a guy who can make me laugh.”

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Seriously. Because we all know that a child is like twenty Louis Vutton handbags as far as accessories go. I truly hope L.A. County Superior Court is taking note of all this. They could save alot of time by just photocopying the Britney Spears child-neglect case files and whiting out only the names of the people involved, to be replaced later. Three observations:

1) Anyone want to start a pool for who this propsective father will be? My vote: Dave Coulier.

2) Is it possible that one single woman can re-orient the entire country's beliefs on abortion? Instead of 50% pro-choice and 50% pro-life, everyone just goes 100% pro-death.... for Paris Hilton.... for even suggesting that she intends to reproduce. I think civilization can only take one Paris Hilton per thousand years*, lest God release His holy vengeance.

3) I'd imagine that Paris having a child would be kinda like a soda can falling down through a Coke machine. The kid will sustain serious brain damage purely from bouncing off the walls of her eternally spacious vagina.

* - Little known fact: 1st millenea Paris Hilton = Charlemagne.

Full Story (TheSuperficial)...

Cameron Diaz is a Reverse Vampire

Cameron Diaz, who apparently has switched careers from "actress" to "actor/musician/model's girlfriend", turned 35 last week. Now, I don't usually mention alot of celebrity birthdays on here, but I thought this one was of note, only because I think it should be documented that an extremely hot blond girl turned into skeletor before our very eyes over the last decade. Think about it. Cameron was her hottest, inarguably, in 1994's The Mask, but didn't finally break out until 1998's There's Something About Mary (though 1997's A Life Less Ordinary was by far her best work). At that time, men would literally throw themselves into active volcanoes whilst screaming her name in hopes that maybe she'd come to their funeral, and therefore technically could be in the same room as her. Now, I swear to you, I could spend fourty-five minutes straight cranking it to The Holiday and have nothing to show for it except for sub-helmet bruising around the collar. I can't really qualify this as a "What Happened?!" entry, only because its BEEN happening for the last decade. I know "What Happened".... my penis was made very, very sad. And thus, the world's penis cried with me.

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However, I will admit that Shrek 3 was a non-stop flog fest. That is until some angry mothers in the theater complained to the management. Fucking prudes. Now I'm glad I gave the woman next to me my own homemade artificial butter for her popcorn before I left. I don't care if your kid is crying and/or traumatized. I thought we lived in a country where a man can be what he wants, worship what he wants, and enjoy movies the way he wants. And the only way for that last one is pants off, ladies. Pants off.

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Here's some fine examples of the way things used to be.... finishing with what they are now..*ugh*

Halle Berry's Mitosis

Halle Berry, best known for being the only person I've ever heard of named "Halle", confirmed today that she is indeed pregnant with her first child with male model boyfriend, Gabriel Audry.

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“Yes, I am three months pregnant,” the Oscar winner told Access Hollywood on Tuesday. “Gabriel and I are beyond excited and I’ve waited a long time for this moment in my life.”"I want my kids to realize it’s only through hard work that any success or real joy comes. It’s not about money; it’s the intangible rewards – having integrity and doing what you say you’re going to do.”

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I'm fairly certain that Ms. Berry's autobiography only allows for this child to be fathered by either Billy Bob Thorton or James Bond. And possibly some guy named "Swordfish". However, let me applaud her for her tireless work within the genre of non-fiction, and overcoming desperate poverty with a jailbird husband to becoming an international spy-for-hire, and eventually sitting around a pool and baring her breasts for apparently no reason. Thats her life story, right? Right? Ok, fine. But YOU try to come up with a good joke about Halle Berry..... ..... .... I thought so.

Full Story (TheBlemish)....