Keira Knightley has bigger things to worry about.

Keira Knightley, otherwise known as Natalie Portman U.K., recently commented that she "would love to have a fuller figure.... more like Monica Bellucci's.... It would be great to have some tits!" Now, I can't really disagree with her because, hey, who doesn't like tits? Hell, my dog loves tits. And he's gayer than a well-dressed rainbow.

....

However.... C'mon, Keira. There are literally billions of women out there who have more of a right to complain. Besides, lo' did the prophet say: "Anything more than a handful is wasted". So, while I appreciate your willingness to help the world by becoming even hotter, why don't you just start having sex with me instead? The Noble Peace Prize* is within your reach.

....

*- "The Noble Peace Prize" is a sexual act too distrubing to be mentioned aloud... ever. Let's just say two key ingredients are 175-feet of high tension steel cable and black tar heroin.

....

The Aforementioned Ladies.... Who wins? ......My lonely, lonely tears. Everytime.

vs.

Is he kidding?....No, seriously....

Random Portman of the Moment

The Easter Portman.

Grumpy is a Slow Mutant

According to a Hong Kong newspaper, Natalie Portman is currently in talks to play Snow White, opposite Jet Li (?!), in a new re-imagining of the classic fairy tale. And by "re-imagining", I mean decidedly anime-esque. Apparently, the story will take place thousands of years after the events of the original Snow White, and now has alot to do with reincarnation, Shaolin Temples, and again.... Jet Li (?!?!).
.....
Now, I've got to agree with IWatchStuff on this one. All of this sounds just a little too crazy to be true. Not the interesting kind of crazy either. More like the Todd McFarlane action figure kind of crazy. I mean, its cool at first to see the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz as a horrific, mechanical abomination. But after a month or so collecting dust on the shelf, all it brings you is the security of mind that no female will ever set foot in your place again. Well, that and the fact that you smear your own feces on the wall daily. But hey, you find me a better way to keep bears away from your living room, then I'm aaaaaaaaalllllllllll ears.
......
Full Story (IWatchStuff)....

"I got your stones right here, Molarahn!"

As practical jokes go, Marcus Brody's crate of snakes wasn't the best idea. Best evidenced when Henry later shot him.

The first teaser poster for Indy 4 is out, and goddamn if it isn't...... awesome? Is this even awesome? From what I can gather, this film will be about a guy who carries a bull-whip, wears a fedora, has the last name "Jones", and owns mysterious crates. Shocker. Well, maybe the crate part. Thats where Indy keeps his barely-documented Indonesia child-prostitutes, whom he simply refers to as "a radio transmitter to God."

....

And so George Lucas gets to collect a shit load of my money for the "other franchise" again. Only now he has to share it with Steven Spielberg. And Satan, who contractually recieves a cut of the back-end profits since Lucas renegotiated the sale of his soul back in 2002 in exchange for letting Lucifer play "Jedi #42" in "Attack of the Clones".

It Must Be Summer (Kate Beckinsale)

Like every blog known to man, and because I obviously only post non-female celebrity pieces apparently once a fort night, I too am obligated to inundate you with countless posts concerning hot celebs in bikini's all summer long. Why? Because the only thing better than having your hopes of sleeping with these women dashed by overly-photoshopped shoots of them in impossibly beautiful locales, is having your hopes completely eradicated when you see how damn fine some of them look with no CGI help. Of course, Angelina Jolie violates this precept now, but she's also apparently a total dyke, so I don't think you had much of a chance to begin with.

....

Before the G.L.B.T.U. starts burning down my house (while looking FABULOUS the entire time, I might add), let me add this: I only post this because I was fairly certain already that Brad Pitt had a vagina. And besides, I'd figure you guys would loathe Jolie enough already if only for the fact that every last straight girl in existance insists that they'd go gay for Angelina Jolie. That's a standard that your average female golfer/SUNY Purchase student just can't live up to.

....

Oh, and according to my dad, "dyke" is a clincal term. As in: "Hey son, I grabbed that girl's ass at the bar last night.... and then she broke my arm. She must be a dyke." Hence, my understanding came to be that dykes are people who break arms. Therefore, "homo's" must break legs. Henceforth, Lawrence Taylor is a total homo.

Not much else, but the rest over here (CelebrityBETA)...

F-List

Tonya Cooley, recurring reality star of Real World and its subsequent 174,000 "Challenge" spin-offs, is considering full-time employment in the adult video industry. Which is.... fantastic, actually. I know it seems like I should be going through the motions of the dumb blond pseudo-celebrity bashing, but honestly, you can't hate someone for finding the thing they seem born to do. This girl showed up on her incarnation of the ever-slightly worse than the previous season Real World with fake breasts ALREADY. And over time, these fake breasts apparently drew more mass into their orbit and eventually co-opted said material into their selves. Its kinda like watching a Discovery Channel special on Star Death*. Only with tats. Geometrically-impossible tats.

....

Already, Ms. Cooley has appeared in Playboy, Girls Gone Wild, and on Skinemax. At this point, she would be kinda remiss if she didn't at least take a run at hardcore pornography. I mean, look at her. Doesn't it seem like this is something she should've been doing years ago?

.....

* - At this rate, the dual-system of Cooley 121a6-a & 121a6-b, will collapse into a mega White Dwarf in about 2.6 billion years, eradicating the Sol star system, including Earth, and possibly causing a quantum singularity to emerge. At which point, alien teens halfway across the galaxy will look up at the skies and giggle whilst commenting, "Heh, that looks like a pair of boobs."

The Spice Must Flow

So.... the Spice Girls have apparently banded back together after a hiatus that saw such solo accomplishments as becoming an U.N. Envoy, marrying an overated soccer player, and mothering children with a derelict Eddie Murphy. And, of course, the dozen or so solo albums that sold a combined total of 46 copies.... worldwide. My question is simply this: how did Victoria Beckham become the only one of them that maintained real attractiveness? Yes, you heard me. She who apparently was birthed in a kiln is the sole remaining hot Spice Girl. Sure, Emma Bunton still is passable, but what happened to Sporty Spice over there. Its like she transformed into Lady Sovereign's doppleganger. Plus ten years. And two kids.
.....
In any case, here's the new tour photo contrasted against a picture of my old favorite to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. And after you do, could you please drop me a line and tell ME what I was talking about? I tend to tune in and out of even what I happen to be saying.

A Piece of the Story (Celebitchy)...

Scarlett Johansson is >/= The End of the Cold War?

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson, most famous for having impossibly spherical breasts, is being replaced as the face of Louis Vutton. Her replacement? You guessed it: Mikhail Gorbachev..... wait, what?

.....

This leads me to reason that the folks at Louis Vutton deem the man most directly responsible for the end of the Cold War as more important than young American girls with supple.... uh... talents. If this is true, then this is a line of thought worse than terrorism. This is a direct threat to the American way of life, namely the whole part about emphasizing physical beauty over professional accomplishment. Why don't you just put the wall back up, Louis? Sure, you may one day achieve a socio-political nirvana. But WE get to chronically masturbate to E! Channel red-carpet premieres sandwiched between commercials for pills that make our penises more efficient and cars that can compensate us should the pills fail. AND THE HOOOOOOOOOME..... OF THE.... BRAAAAAAAAAAAVE!

......

Additional Note - The only missing ingredient to working Marxist Socialism:........ $300 Handbags.

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

Jessica Biel forces me to start praying again.

Jessica Biel has recently begun work on a new film, in which she will play a stripper. While this is nice for all involved, what's nicer is that supposedly she is considering some nudity for the role. While usually famous actresses hammer out very strict clauses in the contracts dealing with nudity before they come within six miles of the film set, hence this story will probably turn out to be false, I'm reserving hope that Jessica is God's gift to sexually-frustrated young men. I mean, we've all basically seen her all but naked already, so why not just go for the whole thing. And by whole thing, I mean this movie should be 2 hours of Biel completely naked, in harsh lighting, with no soundtrack, and slowly turning clockwise. That's how I likes my pornography: stark.
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The rest of this drool-inducing story (Popoholic)...

Mmmm. Alba.

Writing about how hot Jessica Alba is, has gotten fairly cliche. Nevertheless, Jessica Alba is hot. And in homage to her hot-cousity, she apparently has gifted us with a new photoshoot of her. Which is not news by any stretch of the term. But you know what else isn't news? Your mother's face. Everyone's known how ugly that hag has been for ages. BIIIIIIIZSCRATCH! Count it.

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The rest of the photoshoot (Popoholic)....

Rachel Stevens... Delicious

Rachel Stevens, formerly of S Club 7 and one-time Seraphim*, is the cover girl for the new issue of FHM UK, and apparently is dead set on making sure I always have an embarassingly symetrical set of chaffed rashes on my right palm and... male bits.
.....

Oh yes, I went there. And then I came back from there.. And you got the postcard from there on the same day I got back. Which kinda made the effort pointless. Damn, now I'm out $1.05.

....

The rest of the pics courtesy of those regal folks at the Bastardly....

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* - A Seraphim is a member of the Christian God's highest choir of Angels. Not so much funny, I know, but when was the last time you learned something with your genitals in your left hand. Last Thursday? .... Well, then, maybe you should seek some therapy. That is not the intended use for the Public Library.

Juicy

Britney: "Remember when I used to be hot...... Yeah, me neither."

Well, I've abstained from jumping in on the Britney Spears has lost her damn mind news thus far (the Lindsay-Lohan-has-lost-her-damn-mind was thought-cancerous enough) but I guess this tidbit is as good as any for jumping now. Apparently, Ms. Spears is now convinced that her mother, Lynne (or is it 'Lynn'?... or do I care?), slept with her ex-husband, Kevin "Whoever-thought-I'd-get-out-of-this-looking-better?". Federline, out of spite to her own daughter. While, I refuse to believe that this is true (but I'll admit, there's a huge part of me that hopes it is) I will say that this is absolutely succulent as far as celebrity meltdowns go. Soon enough, she'll be out there claiming that she just realized that her true father is the CocaCola Xmas Polar Bear. And then she'll claim that he is sleeping with Federline out of spite, too. Of course, this will only be released to the press after the country demands explanation for why Spears jumped in the tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium and started eating raw halibut whilst screaming "Who's the Alpha Bear now, Dad?!" over and over again.

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More at the imcomprable Blemish...

What Happened?! - (When Sexual Objects Go Bad) - Pt.1

Before......and After.

Michelle Trachtenberg, best known as "Dawn" in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, recently showed up on the red carpet looking like a heroin-addict version of Kratos from God of War. Granted, this girl was always a bit on the pale side (to no complaint by me), but this is starting to be a little ridiculous. Its like she anti-tans in some kind of mad scientist-engineered radiation sponge chamber. Although, a better question is what happened to her tats?! Did she sacrifice them to Athena for fiery wrist-chained blades? If so, Athena, we should talk.

More of the Ghost of Sparta over at the Blemish....

Random Portman of the Moment

I'd let this girl eat my children. If she wanted to. And if I had children.

Historical Figures vs. Celebs: Round 2!

General George S. Patton

VS.

Denise Richards

....
General George S. Patton - Achieved fame amongst Americans and infamy amongst Germans in World War II due to his brilliant victories throughout North Africa and France. His well-documented "eccentrism" was known to expand to damn-near insubordination, which marred the rise of what would've been the well-deserved promotion of one of America's all-time greatest military minds. After the war, Patton disappeared into obscurity for the most part, and is most well-known from George C. Scott's portrayal of him in the Oscar-winning biography film by the same name.

...V.S.....

Denise Richards - Achieved fame amongst men and lesbians and infamy amongst straight women and gay men through her masturbatory victories in the film "Wild Things". Her well-documented "crazy ass behavior" was known to expand to marrying Charlie Sheen, accepting his seed, and acting surprised when he dropped out of their marriage about as suddenly as it began. After that war, Richards disappeared into E!-channel-scurity for the most part, though is still well-known due to her frequent random appearances to slander her ex-husband with hormonal outbursts and to sleep with whomever her best friend happens to be married to at that particular point.

....

Of course, it should be noted that attempting to establish a working marriage with Charlie Sheen shares alot in common with attempting to counter a German-initiated war. In both cases, it sounds like a good idea to them at first, then it devolves into a brawl, and finally the incident is put in the past and is thus repeated over and over again.

...

Just as before, leave your comments and let the voice of the mob decide.

The Most Normal Thing in the World

A man recently was caught smuggling a monkey underneath his hat in am NYC airport after travelling their from Peru. The full story follows, but all I'll add is this:
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What is strange about this? Anybody? Shit, how do you think I spellcheck this blog? If you have a more efficient method than Archduke Bananas, I'd srue liek two heer it.

Man and his Monkey (MSNBC).....

Listen, nobody gets excited to vist a wax museum. Nobody.

Victoria Beckham, also known as "Posh Spice" (if you're brain is stuck in nineteen-ninety fucking six) is apparently upsetting the applecart 'round the L.A. celebutante scene. According to reports, celebrities are up in arms about Beckham being a little too obvious about something that every last celebrity does almost all the time: putting in "anonymous" tips to the paparazzi regarding where she is going so they will show up beforehand and provide a free photoshoot for her. Of course, celebs only want to maintain the illusion that they don't do this so they are still free to complain about the shutterbugs whenever they please.
....
But get this, the Jimmy Dean-Queen, her holiness Britney Spears the 1st, has actually gone as far as to give her the mean girls treatment and refuse to eat lunch near her. What's next? Paris Hilton toilet papers her locker and Lindsay Lohan tells the whole school she caught the clap from the captain of the football team?
...
And yes, like every blogger, I am contractually obligated to ask if Ms. Beckham forgoes using makeup anymore in favor of just having her entire body laminated. Or maybe she just sends a Real Doll of herself to all of these press functions. Either way, I will still admit I'd have sex with her. But then again, I've been known to put the moves to my grandmother's plastic covered couch on more than one occasion. What slutty furniture she has.




One of many sites that has this story....(CelebSlam)

Take A Bow

This is a bit belated, but it took the usual two day recuperation period before I gained control of my consious mind again. I needed to drain the awesomeness out first. (Fun Fact: "Awesomeness" is a viscous, amber-colored fluid that smells like chocolate chip cookies. Matt Bellamy's blood is composed equally of this, and "Sexulite")

....

So, yeah. Me and the boys, STeev and SlapChicken included, went to see Muse at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. After some hilarious, and borderline fist fight-inducing, drunken antics at Penn Station, we were then privy to 2 hours of ball-milking musical insanity. And here follows my overly adoring review:

....

Opening with "Knights of Cydonia", and concluding with "Take A Bow", this show was kind-of like the bizarro version of the first Muse show I saw at Hammerstein Ballroom, one year and three days earlier. They pretty much hit every song they'd hit last time, but in a strange near-reverse order. Oh, and this time, in a fucking arena setting. The crowd was actually a little bit more tolerable this time around as well, and I think everyone in attendance would agree that this may have been the fastest feeling concert they'd ever been to, despite the fact that the band played a 19-song set. Up-down-and-sideways, Muse continues to embarass most other supposed rock groups of today with its note-perfect blinding energy, not only perfectly matching the intensity of these songs' studio-recorded counterparts but surpassing them with clever variations and all manner of intuitively-styled personal signatures applied to their own classics, as if each song just came out of Matt, Chris and Dominic's collective head right then and there, and not as long as ten years ago in a studio halfway around the world.

...
I'll cut the rest of this piece short, if only so any other blog contributor here can add their own two cents if they please. If not, they are weak of mind, and should be pitied my dear children, not hated. But I'll leave you with the setlist for the show, and advise you, with all the sincerity I could ever muster: should Muse come within 100 miles of your hometown and you choose not to go to the show, you might as well just smash your nuts (fingers, I guess for the ladies) on a rock repeatedly.

....

Setlist - Madison Square Garden, August 6, 2007.
1. Knights of Cydonia

2. Map of the Problematique

3. Hysteria

4. Supermassive Black Hole

5. City of Delusion

6. Butterflies and Hurricanes
7. Hoodoo

8. Feeling Good

9. Apocalypse Please

10. Sunburn

11. Invincible

12. Starlight

13. Time is Running Out

14. New Born

15. Plug in Baby (+ Balloons!)

Encore

16. Soldier's Poem

17. Unintended

18. Stockholm Syndrome

19. Take a Bow

Historical Figures vs. Celebs: Round 1!

Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes

vs.

"Party Girl" Tara Reid














This is definitely a tough one with both opponents causing great deals of carnage in their own unique ways. Lets get to know them a little bit better.

Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes was the ruler of Wallachia for three separate reigns during the 15th century. He was the inspiration for Bram Stoker's classic novel Dracula. He is alleged to have instituted a great deal of horrific punishments against his enemies. His favorite was impalement, his preferred technique was to tie a horse to each of his victim's limbs and then insert a well-oiled but not too sharp stake into the anus and forced into the victims body, sometimes till it came out of their mouth. If that wasn't enough a French black metal band named them selves, you guessed it, Vlad Tepes. Can he take down one of Hollywood's favorite C-List Celebs!

"Party Girl" Tara Reid (a.k.a. Hollywood Party Girl)- Tara appeared in some of America's favorite(?) teen comedies and dated superstar athletes Sergei Federov, Tom Brady, Jeremy Shock, and some tennis guy, oh and who can forget her engagement to Mr. Why-Is-He-Famous himself Carson Daly. Following here short lived almost-a-career peak Ms. Reid became one of the most infamous of the already despicable party girls of Hollywood. We already know that Tara could drink Mr. Tepes under every table in Wallachia but could she survive his torture methods?!? Well she did have a few rounds of botched plastic surgery and again she was engaged to Carson Daly, I personally think impalement would be less painful.

Who will win this Battle Royale?!?!?!?!?!? Leave your thoughts and predictions in the comments and we will find out the results in a few days!


STeev

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you.....

In recent years too many of my favorite bands have lost members, gone on indefinite hiatus, or split up. Below are the saddest loses in the opinion of one music snob:

The Beta Band- I first saw this gents open for Radiohead two days in a row, and caught them at very New York gig after that. Though like so many original bands they just didn't have enough "commercial appeal", whatever that means. They split in 2004, though they continue in various other projects including: King Biscuit Time, The Aliens, and The General and Duchess Collins.




The Cooper Temple Clause- I fell in love with TCTC after reading a blurb about them in NME on the Metro North. I bought there debut album as an import for a hefty price, but I was not disappointed. After continuing to evolve from album to album proving to be one of the most interesting "guitar-rock" bands. Alas after losing their bassist Didz Hammond and releasing another amazing album the band called it quits in early 2007.


Grandaddy- How does one describe Grandaddy? In the words of the official Emperor of this blog:
"Imagine a family of deers grazing a field of broken toasters". Their breakthrough release "The Sophtware Slump" is a must have indie record, so buy it, now! The final album "Just Like the Fambly Cat" was released a few months after the band announced their split in 2006.


Ash- Though I owned Ash's debut "1977" and was a fan I didn't truly fall in love until "Free All Angels", another must own. After their album "Meltdown" guitarist Charlotte Hatherley left the band in 2006. Luckily for us Charlotte has released two mind-blowing solo albums. And the original members Tim, Mark, and Rick have just a released the album "Twilight of the Innocents".


Included below is a link to a super special (not a virus) musical treat:

Single tear....

STeev

Pipe Slider... Ha!...juvenile.

Yuko Mizano and Ayako Miyake. Apparently the next step in human evolution is becoming rendered by SquareSoft.

This really isn't current news, but then again what is on this site? I just thought I should note that G4's "Ninja Warrior", and especially its sister show "Women of Ninja Warrior", are a great case argument in the insanity and overall superiority of the Japanese. Sure, we beat them in World War II.... and then they proceeded to show us how capitalism is really done. And technological development. And work ethic. And a the mean average of attractive women in the population. And giant-fighting robots.

...

First off, look at these women above. Granted, their are literally millions of hotter Japanese women. But these two are more than passible, not to mention that they can conquer a 300 yard obstacle course, tough enough to fell Olympians regularly, in under 120 seconds. I'm also fairly certain both can conjure fireballs with the power of their chi.

....

And anyone who is seething to pick apart that assessment of Japanese socio-evolution as being far too generous (whilst waving an American flag and bellowing about the immortality of your Ford pickup, and second mortgage you had to take out just to fill the tank), let me just direct your comments to the aforementioned giant-fighting robot, which will soon take up the Japanese ambassadorial seat to the U.N.

....

Kofi Annan: "I would kindly ask the gentlemen from Japan to please retake his seat!"

Voltron E. Gundam: "And I would kindly ask the secretary general to accept my apology..."

Kofi Annan: "Of course, my good sir---"

Voltron E. Gundam: "....in the form of six thousand rounds of depleted uranium from my fourteen shoulder-mounted gattling guns!"

*cue cherry blossoms across the screen*

Be My Dad, Christopher Walken

Another little nugget of gold (but not the regular kind... this is SPACE NINJA GOLD!) from the folks over at the Blemish, this one concerning everyone's favorite "Is he kidding?" actor, Christopher Walken. Apparently, a panel doing press for Balls of Fury recently shared some Master Walken anecdotes from the set, and provided reinforcement to my belief that 'ol Chris is secretly the funniest man alive..... to himself.... and me.
...
'Apparently, Christopher Walken doesn’t know what the symbol @ means. He was furious when changes were made to the script and he couldn’t pronounce the “word”.
In other Walken wackiness, one day on the set he brought in a birthday cake and sat next to it with a sad look. He pretended it was his birthday and sat around as the rest of the crew sang Happy Birthday to him over and over. He did this three times over the course of shooting the film.'
...
That just may be the most unsettling, yet hilarious joke I've heard in a looooooong while. Any attempt at humor that leaves most people debating whether that was a joke or a quiet cry for help is Shakespearian in my book. Of course, I should mention that MY book was deemed unfit for publication due to a copyright disagreement with the Necronomicon. You know, ancient Sumeria, you used to be cool man. Now, I just don't know.
...
I just don't know.

"I'm trying to bang this broad, Hen-dree!"

Former Supermodel and Kind-of Actress Angie "The Actually-Hottest Redhead You Will Ever See (*cough* in 1994 *cough*)" Everhart recently got engaged to Joe "Why Is Everyone Laughing At My Legitimate Speech Impediment?" Pesci. Now, I'd usually make some remarks about how unfair and/or counter-Darwinian Evolution this coupling is... but frankly, one time I saw him beat Phil Leotardo nearly to death for bringing up his old shoe-shine job in a not-too respectful manner. Which is another way of saying that I've watched "Goodfellas" enough times now to have substituted my actual memories for a DVD cross-section of the film, resulting in a major legal discrepancy between myself and the good people over at Lufthansa.
....
Besides, I hear she's from the Five Towns, and that could work out to be a big score someday.
....
On a side note: it is surprisingly difficult to find a really decent picture of Angie Everhart through Google, as evidenced above. Sure, there's pictures, but what happened to the ones where I'm looming in the background, naked except for my X-ray specs and a generous coat of strawberry preserves whilst carrying the rear-bumper for a 1982 Toyota Arrow. Ah, what an Earth Day that was.

What's statutory mean?

Hayden Panettiere, one of the stars of "Heroes" and alarmingly-still 17 years old, is still out begging to inspire legally-questionable thoughts out of a generation of men. Actually, I'm fairly certain that saying her name outloud three times infront of a mirror summons "To Catch a Predator" like the Candyman. Which, of course, leads to suicide.
...
More pictures to feel slightly guilty over at the Blemish

Avril Lavigne wants to be invited to the cool kids' parties

Yeah, so these pictures of Avril Lavigne started popping up around the internet this week.....and by popping up I mean that literally every celebrity-gossip based website seems contractually obligated to post them. Because.... we didn't know that Avril Lavigne had breasts before now? Supple, alabaster, perky breasts barely restrained by a pink bikini top? Drawing my eyes upon them like iron fillings to a magnet? With such force that although I'm looking at this picture through my wireless internet whilst driving down the expressway, I cannot turn my eyes away... even though a flaming, out-of-control tractor trailer is currently barrelling down the road in the wrong direction directly towards me? Uh-oh.
...
In all seriousness, this picture could've told you this girl has an amazing body years ago. But here's a lesson for ya girls. Ye who dress like goth chick, but is far too attractive to be an actual goth chick, sends off just one message to guys: "I have no sense-of-self and am therefore very easy to emotionally manipulate." Just saying.
...
But please don't stop. I need to feed on your emotions to sustain my eternal, youthful beauty and supernatural feats of strength.
Thanks to the Blemish for this story. More pics, and a damn funny website overall through the link.

Late, but still pretty...

The 01-18-08, or Cloverfield, poster was released a little while back, and it features absolutely no new information, save for letting us know what the rest of the Statue of Liberty looks like now that its head is located somewhere either in Williamsburg or the Lower East Side (depending on how you interpret the ambigious geography of the trailer). But still...... it is pretty.

Oh man, this movie looks like it will be so awesome that I just might kill myself when I finally see just how badly it will probably suck.

Lindsay Lohan of the 88 Powers

God, I'm tired of writing about this girl. Well, if nothing else, she provides me with excuses to talk about ocularly-pleasing women... and then contrast them to to this saggy red bag of refuse.

....

Lindsay Lohan, better known as Marduk the Destroyer, has another "close friend" running around claiming that Lohan is full or herself and has been shit-talking other contemperary actresses. Now, I'm not foolish enough to not notice that a new "close friend" of Lindsay's is coming out everyday with a new horror story about Ms. Lohan's superhuman bitchakinetic powers. To be fair to the girl, at this rate, you'll find her running down Wilshire Blvd. next week in a loincloth and red cape screaming "Drive the Persians to the cliffs!", before shoving old ladies into traffic. However, I will concede, I wouldn't entirely be surprised if that turned out to be true also.

....

I was originally going to put up contrasting pictures of Lindsay vs. the actresses she had judged unworthy of Lohanship, but after five minutes of assembling a counter-argument to "Scarlett Johansson is fat, ugly with no talent", I realized no one needs one. Thats like Hitler saying that Anne Frank was a genocidal monster. Or the sun saying that the moon was too yellow and blinding. Or like me saying that women look better in lipstick and eyeliner than I do. Its all just so obviously not true. And besides, this peach rouge really brings out my eyes.

...

So instead, I'm starting a little project to list off 50 people that I can think of right off the top of my head that are hotter than Lindsay Lohan. Of course, omitting the legless bum who dances for nickels outside my apartment. And of course, "dances" means "performs graphic and rough sex acts with" in my neighborhood. It causes alot of problems at block parties.

...

Top 50 Girls better looking than Lindsay Lohan (coming soon)

Random Portman of the Moment

Its like a pretentious hipsters wet dream. Scantily-clad Natalie ontop of a pile of books. Of course, if it were a real pretentious hipster, all of these books would remain unread....or at the most have copies of Spin inside.