Adrianne Curry. Run Yo Shit.

Former America's Top Model/VH1 Celebreality icon Adrianne Curry's car was broken into and stripped in her own driveway recently. You can read her emotionally-traumatized rant about it below, but the only question I have that remains unanswered yet is this: How much longer do you think Christopher Knight can hold off killing this girl accidentally during sex? I mean, there are only so many eye-rolls you can give to yourself before those repressed emotions start leaking out in other places. For instance, during a interlude of rough, tantric sex*. There is no position sexier than the "Prophyria's Lover".
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In all seriousness, though, I guess Knight can't really complain. This chick is not only fantastically hot, if only in that borderline turbo-slut kinda way (which is actually fairly high on the Hot Girl Spectrum), but she also gave him back some semblance of a career in the entertainment business for the first time in three decades. And besides, look at that picture up there. I know very few girls that let me take pictures with them whilst I slide my thumb into the crack of their ass. I mean, I can only think of like.... twelve off the top of my head.
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A Little More Adrianne:

The Last Two on the Right.... Best Red-Carpet Outfit... EVER.

* - And to be fair to Adrianne Curry, I WOULD kill Christopher Knight** to have tantric sex with her. Just throwing that out there, Adrianne, seeing if it sticks *fingers crossed*....
** - And to be fair to Christopher Knight, I WOULD kill Adrianne Curry to have tantric sex with him. Gotta get me some of that sweet, sweet Brady lovin'.


Full Story (BricksandStone)...

Amanda Bynes starts clothing line/misunderstands my letters

Amanda Bynes, who only came to my mind because whenever I think about Hillary Duff, this comes to mind in response (as well as the six years of time served in regards to the"Incident" taking place behind the lens thats taking it). is following in the footsteps of seemingly-everyone whose ever had their name used on a form of multimedia entertainment, and launching her own fashion line. Dubbed "Dear", I assume this clothing line will cater exclusively to the suddenly-not-jailbait-anymore crowd. Featured items will include padding-less bra's and will have eliminated the need for that extra bulky pocket space in which to store restraining orders.

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Its nice to know that she got my letters, but I think Amanda misconstrued what I was trying to say. It wasn't meant as "Amanda, I love your clothes and want some of my own" so go out and start selling Bynes-brand clothes. It WAS meant as "Please send my your dresses so that I might wear them, and your soiled undergarments so that I might..... uh, you know what, I think I'll leave that up to your imagination."

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And on the side, when I said "soiled", I meant "skid-marked". That Bynes girl poops herself all day long.. or so I've heard (read: imagined in my most beautiful dreams). Sexy.

(Pretty soon, my sense of humor will boil down to just randomly screaming out "POOOOOOOP!" before removing my pants and pretending to fly around at important family gatherings.)

Full Story (PrettyBoring)....

It Must Be Summer (Hillary Duff)

Retroactively, here's the young Hillary Duff doing the beach thing. Between you and me, I always thought this girl was peach-shaded rectangle for the first couple of "legal" years, but she seems to working on that. And if there is nothing else in the world I can admire, its self-improvement. Especially geometric self-improvement. "Hot Girl" is a much sexier shape than "Rectangle". However, neither shape has anything on the oblate spheroid. Oh, planet Earth, you know how to get my furnace burning. Flat at the poles, bulged at the center, just like Rosie O'Donell. And also like Ms. O'Donell, composed of miles of layers of sedentary rock surrounding a hot, molten iron core. In fact, the only difference I can imagine between the two is that what one refers to as "global warming", the other refers to as "hot flashes".

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More (Popoholic)...

Webb

Morgan Webb, the Original G4 Saliva-Inducer, launched her own video blog over here: WebbAlert. So, if you were looking for a place to watch an overeducated and extremely hot woman review every last little tech advance, then there ya go.

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Of course, I try to dress a little sexier for you during MY tech news updates and you tell me that you're just not into me that way. *sobbing* I mean, I give and I give, and all you can say to me is that my penis is protruding from the left side of this pink lace g-string. You uncouth bastard! And you wonder why the passion is gone from our relationship.

ALMOST a What Happened?! (Mandy Moore)

Good Gravy Freight Train, that girl is hot..... wait...huh? NO! GOD NO!..... .... oh, *sigh*, Thank God.

Mandy Moore, the perpetual silver medal to Natalie Portman's gold, scared horny young men all over the internet this week when she suddenly showed up to a red carpet event looking like Elvira's younger, still kinda hot but greatly diminished sister. I thought about putting up a "What Happened?!" post on her a few days back, but was compelled, as if by some supernatural force*, to hold off. And today, comes the exposition, as Ms. Moore showed up at another event yesterday looking more true to form. Whew. That was a close one. I can't be allowing my maturbatory objects to let themselve go. I think this time of trial has taught our nation a lesson. From now on, the hotness of our most prized celebrities must be our highest priority. Thus, the next time Keira Knightley** or someone like her puts on too many pounds, a highly-trained hit squad consisting personal trainers and S.A.S. hairstylists can be dispatched to any corner of the world in under 90 minutes. A flashbang, two quick taps with tranq darts, and a three-day semi-coma later... your back to being a Class-A piece of internationally recognized ass. And the fact that you awaken in an abandoned mental hospital, feeling sore and find a television still turned on in the room, displaying a marathon of "Ninja Warrior", amongst empty bag after empty bag of crunchy Cheetos, condom wrappers***, and many, many, many empty syringes... well, thats just part of the "beautification" process, baby. You can't sacrifice enough for style.

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* - Supernatural Force = You guessed it, my pubes are actually a hair transplant from Nostradamus' corpse.

** - She may be British, but in the end, it is our national responsibility to protect the hotness of the world. America. Fuck Yeah.

*** - Ha. Condoms. What nerd has ever used those?

The Most Premature Casting Speculation... EVER!

Scouring the internet for time-burning news I came across this little list of potential actresses for the part of "Nariko", the heroine from the upcoming video game Heavenly Sword. Never you mind that the game hasn't been released yet, and therefore there is no basis for believing it is going to successful enough to denote a film adapatation. And, despite how it reads, I'm actually sincere about that point. Speculation, after all, is the mother of all time-burning. However, as good as Heavenly Sword looks, lets be honest with ourselves here, children. If they are going to make a film adaptation of this genre of video games, why not skip the derivative and go right to the source: Devil May Cry. Although, come to think of it, video game movies almost invariably suck, and I happen to have a special, lonely place in my heart (read: balls) for DMC, so... uh... yeah, go ahead and make that Heavenly Sword movie instead.

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And while you're at it, why not cast all of the actresses in the aforementioned speculation, and make up the loss in the budget you took for their enormous salaries by completely removing wardrobe from the film en masse. And substitute the supernatural swordfighting for supernatural lesbianism.

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And after the first ten minutes of that, just randomly switch it over to SportsCenter for the rest of the film. I already accomplished what I came here to do.

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Other Casting Suggestions (with damn-fine visual presentation) include:

Left to Right: Ali Larter, Keira Knightley, Lucy Liu, and Jessica Alba

Full Story/Site (DoubleViking)...

What Happened?! (Sarah Michelle Gellar)

My poor Buffy! What foul, treacherous dark magic hath corrupted thee?!

Does Sarah Michelle Gellar have slow-speed A.I.D.S? I'm sure that question will sufficiently offend many, but seriously, this girl has been slowly physically deteriorating for the last half-decade. Up until recently, her inate hotness kept it from being well-noticed, but now we're just starting to get ridiculous. Of everyone male I know, I'm the last one to start going on and on about the virtues of so-called "thick chicks", but this is one girl who looked a hell-of-alot better with some meat on her bones. And by "hell-of-alot better", I mean "fucking gorgeous". As opposed to now, when I'm pretty sure she is preparing for the part of Famine in her upcoming film, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
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Psst.. Demons. I think this might be your best shot. Although, she may just be able to use her own protruding bones to stake you now.
More SMG goodness to remind us of better times...

Buffy hath become the Hellmouth (Yeeeah!)...

We Need Us Some Spartans... Quick!

Tensions are escalating between the U.S. and Iran.... again. Iranian General Yahya Rahim, leader of the Revolutionary Guards, recently spoke out against Washington's revelation this week that the U.S. plans to identify the Guards officially as a "terrorist organization". This re-classification is based on the U.S. claim that the Guards have been aiding in the supplying and training of Iraqi Sunni militias to fight U.S. troops in the region, claims which the Guards have categorically denied. In response to this move, Gen. Rahim has made a series of oblique comments about how the Guards would deal America a "heavier punch... in the future".

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Oh, isn't every step we take towards this inevitable war with Iran more hilarious (read: exasperatingly infuriating) than the one before it. Because whats better than one unwinnable Persian war: TWO! And this foe comes with additional bonus content such as a well-trained , organized and supplied army and nuclear capability. Its like the sequel to the Iraq War, and just like all sequels more people have to die in the second one than the first, including several main characters, which will set-up the plot arc for the catastrophic third act (see: possibly North Korea, Syria/Lebanon, Pakistan). The only problem (only problem?) is.. we haven't fucking finished the first act yet!

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All of this will inevitably lead to a draft, and possibly the complete erosion of international alliances for the United States. So... uh.. yeah. Great age to be alive, huh? Leave it to me to be born in an era where I actually would've been better off living during the Cold War. Where's Leonidas when you need him? That guy hates Persians.

Full Story (CNN)...

Let It Snow

Tony Snow, the current White House Press Secretary, announced Friday that he will be stepping down shortly from his post for financial reasons. Snow's departure comes soon after top political advisor, and Sith Lord, Karl Rove's similar announcement earlier this week.

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Dropping like flies. And just like flies, their death is brought on by the final depletion of the bullshit pile they've been hovering around for the past, oh, 7 years. Though I will concede that the Press Secretary position is easily the leave enviable in the entire administration. Your entire life is pretty much just regurgitating the company line in the face of an angry, angry public. Like running Customer Service for Hell. That being said, Tony Snow used to work for Fox News, so I honestly don't see much of a change in job description from that position to his soon-to-be former one. In the end, we can only take the solace in the fact that the Bush administration has basically made the Republican party unelectable for the next decade ("President Romney" whispers through the wind, hauntingly). Which, of course, assumes that the upcoming elections actually procede according to the Constitution. But we'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Full Story (CNN)...

Rosario Dawson Gets Raped!

.... in a movie.
Did I hear someone sigh in disappointment? Thats fucking sick, man. As a matter of fact... SECURITY! Get this man out of here. We have no tolerance for someone like that amongst this esteemed and august council!
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*sounds of scuffling as Boba Fett and C. Thomas Howell dressed in Security t-shits drag off the offender*
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Ahem. Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can get back to raping Rosario Dawson. Wait, what?! No! That's not what I meant! Get off of me! Pony Boy! I thought I told you to "Stay Gold"!


Full Story (Lossip)...

Secrets of the Hidden Lopez

Jennifer Lopez, She of the 88 Marriages, has won her lawsuit against ex-husband Ojani Noa over his to-be-published novel about their brief marital union. As per the terms of their divorce, Noa was blocked from revealing any details* about their relationship, a fact it seems that must've slipped his mind when he decided to reveal EVERY detail of said coupling to the world via trashy, pseudo-literature. And the bill for his little indiscretion: $545,000.

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Yes, I do agree that this protruding forehead of a man does have it coming to him for thinking that he'd somehow slip this one by when he had already signed a legal document EXPLICITLY instructing him to never do anything like this. However, isn't it kinda funny when the penalty for Conspiracy to Expose J.Lo Secrets is barely enough for Lopez to pay the monthly electric bill for her mansion while simulatenously wiping this guy's bank account out and put him in debt for the next say, 30 years? Way to get revenge, Jennifer. Its not enough to grow embarassingly wealthy (off of no more talent than the size of your ass can provide) while this guy still eats his dinner at the local Wendy's. Now take away his Wendy's money, too! That'll show him for letting you leave him in order to better allocate your time for blowing record execs. Men are assholes.

Full Story (Lossip)...

* - Oh, and like all female celebrity secrets, you already know what it is. Three words: Throbbing Concealed Penis.

Charm School et Lavigne

Ok, the first of these stories came to my attention the other day, but didn't seem to warrant a post by itself. However, this new addition pushes the issue past critical mass. Canadian singer Avril Lavigne was recently quoted in seperate interviews as first claiming that she "always wears underwear" in contrast to Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and whatever other "ho-bag"* seems to be famous despite a lack of talent; and then going on about how she is prone to stripping nude when drunk and running around in public.

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Now, most people hate Avril Lavigne right off the bat. I can't tell if its the pop-punk music thing, or the married to Deryck Wimbley thing, or maybe just the fact that she's Canadian thing**. No matter the reason, this should make you love her all over again. Because THAT'S class right there, ladies. Don't go flashing your conch when getting out of the limo at the club, just exit the club later that night bare-ass naked. And furthermore, be sure to let me know which club you plan to go to, providing me also with a plane ticket if its out of state.

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Seriously though, I get the impression that Avril Lavigne might have the best body that no one knows about yet. Like how Jim Kelly is the best QB to never win a Superbowl. And how Dan Marino is the best QB to never question that previous statement, lest I slap him to death with a gross of Isotoner Gloves.

Full Story re: Wearing Underwear (Glitterati)...

Full Story re: Drunken Nudity (HollywoodRag)...

*- A Clincal Term.

**- Don't ask me why Americans hate Canadians. Maybe its our natural affinity for smoggy air, garbage-strewn city streets, costly healthcare, and desert-climate hockey teams.

New Dark Knight Pics!

New stills from The Dark Knight today, mostly of Heath Ledger's new Joker. Alright, first off let me say that as a huge Joker fan myself, thus far I am quite pleased with what I've seen. Which brings up my next point, doesn't this movie not come out until next year? And isn't it still in production? At this rate, the entire movie will be leaked for publicity in the form of a frame-by-frame flipbook. And critics will be eternally frustrated when they have to flip the thing over halfway through to see how it ends.

Boooooooiiiiiiinnnnnngggggg!

Source (ICYDK)

Just Because...

Short explanation: after twenty minutes of debate between myself and CambdyanMnk over who to contrast to Lara Flynn Boyle in the previous post, we eventually settled on Liz Hurley, if only because she hasn't appeared on this site thus far. Of course, the problem with that is now I've got Hurley on the brain (both the insanely hot British actress and the morbidly overweight scene-stealing character on "Lost") and as such, must now post a brief review of Ms. Hurley's aforementioned hotness to feed the demons.

Jack Nicholson now has a Kitten's Tongue...Sandpaper, baby!

Jack Nicholson, best known for being batshit insane and ocular albinism, can add a new milestone to his body's decay. Mr. Nicholson is now bereft of saliva glands, and has to constantly drink water so that he may swallow. This one might be fairly obvious, but my PhD from South Bushwick Surgeon's Vocational School and Bodega tells me that the problem may lie in the fact that he would choose Subject A (Brand X) over Subject B if given the opportunity. Honestly, I rarely drool over skeletons in tutu's either. Well, except for that Bacon Cheddar Soft-Shell skeleton I had on my last summer vacation. Side-note: if you're looking for top-shelf until-recently human cuisine, look no further than Sandals resorts.



More on Uncle Jackie's Condition (TheBlemish)...

Note: Why Elizabeth Hurley, you ask? Well... asking that question just made you gay. I bet you can feel the club tunes beginning to eat into your brain already.

Simpson's Nose Crushed by Enormous, Top-heavy Brain.

NOOOOOO! Not poor Jessica's nose! That's her most important attribute! Right?!... Right?
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Anyways, it appears that Jessica Simpson, the chairwoman of my local chapter of M.E.N.S.A., broke her nose whilst filming her new project Wildca-errr...uhh...I mean, Major Movie Star. Now, it is not uncommon for actors to injure themselves on set, especially while filming anything having to do with the military... or the action genre period. But most of them don't break their nose. And most of them are rarely ditsy, large-chested blondes who could only be characterized as "awww.. isn't that adorable?" as they run around in their combat fatigues. And after the broken nose, your bloodlust is activated by witnessing those fat, juicy red drops of life spewing forth from this wholesome young girl, and you are driven by insane desire to tackle the injured songbird to the ground and ferociously devour her narcotic hemoglobin to sustain your eternal life!
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*a clamour in the distance*
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Oh no! The villagers have found me! BLEEEUUUGH! *vanishes into the night*
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More (TheBlemish)...

Do I need a reason, seriously?

I don't know what's better. This picture or putting on a warm pair of socks fresh out of the dryer. Damn, that's a close one. The reason they were in the dryer were because they were stiff as a result of said picture.

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-SlapChicken-