Mo' Money

NFL Free Agency opened up today, and already they have been a few notable moves. See? I can write about something other than tits and the failures of those who possess them!

- The New York Football Giants, the Champions of the World, lost Kawika Mitchell, best known for his head-fake of the entire New England offensive line in the Super Bowl, which allowed him to provide one of Tom Brady's more painful hits of the night. Mitchell was a beast for the G-Men recently, and is apparently cashing in on his team's miraculous championship run, signing with the Bufallo Bills this morning. While Big Blue is obviously sad to see him go, this was ultimately a situation where this move had far more potential to help the Bills than it did potential to hurt the Giants.

- After nearly letting their surprise breakout Quarterback slip away, the Cleveland Browns re-signed Derek Anderson for a three-year deal worth $20 million. Fears of turning over the suddenly improving Browns offense to the inexperienced Brady Quinn prompted the Browns to secure Anderson at a salary he couldn't have possibly hoped for anywhere else in the league. Most sources point to Anderson's earlier refusal to accept deals offered by the Browns as merely his desire to field offers from other teams after he became a free agent after midnight last.

- Randy Moss and the New England Patriots have yet to announce a deal, as of the time of this posting. Rumors has it Moss is being looked at by both the Dallas Cowboys and Philadelphia Eagles, although most find it hard to believe the Patriots would allow Moss to move to another franchise. Nevertheless, as of this moment, last year's best Wide Reciever remains up in the air. UPDATE (3/4/08): Randy Moss has re-signed with the New England Patriots in a 3-year deal worth $27 million.

I'm not going to pretend that I will keep updating this as news develops, but I'll hazard the guess that another Champion Giant will be leaving the Meadowlands soon, with Gibril Wilson most likely heading to Oakland. That being said, the Giants will probably recruit Cornerbacks heavily in the draft, and don't be surprised to see at least one mid-level "name" find its way to Big Blue during the offseason.

Frankly, as long as Strahan comes back, I don't give a shit.

Another One Bites the Dust

Jennifer Love Hewitt is reportedly pregnant. Which, of course, has many local astrophysists greatly concerned that the Moon will be pulled down to the Earth, killing billions. Because... you know... gravity and her already huge boobs. Get it? Pregant chicks get bigger boobs! I'm a fucking comedic genius! Zing!

*sigh* Seriously though, lets take a moment to honor the hot bitches that we've lost to pregnancy this year *cue Oscar deathlist montage music*.... Jessica Alba.... Katie Holmes.... Gwen Stefani... no! I can't do it anymore! Its just so fucking tragic. But, remember, for every cavernous vagina forced upon us, there is a Christina Aguilera, who gives all men hope... that pregnancy is not completely fucking gross, even after you popped out that little crying turd of yours.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Exhibit B

Well, in shocking news of the incredibly sarcastic variety, rumors are beginning to circulate that Pink and Carey Hart's marriage was ended by the aforementioned testosterone-tits due to her rampants affairs with other women. Firstly, I refuse to use the term "lesbian" in any way to illustrate this post. Lesbianism is a beautiful, pure act, given by God (and/or Sublime Directory)... to me... to show how much he loves me. This, however, is more along the lines of a very unsettling pop-up window for a specialty fetish website, which appears due to God's penchant for spyware.

As if I needed further proof of my hypothesis on the subject of Pink's physiology, this article also features a classic quote explaining how she finds the very notion of giving a blowjob "disgusting"; claiming that she would never perform one. Recieve one? Well, that's a totally different story. It takes a special kind of shemale to prefer sex with women. Usually the kind that is paid handsomely by a Thai internet consortium whilst filming the act.

Now, if you'll excuse me, writing this post has unfortunately caused me to repeatedly vomit on my keyboard... and the sound of the *squish squish* as I type is starting to become upsetting. Musical, but upsetting nonetheless.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Bookworm Bitches

Apparently, Anne Hathaway is all about unnecessarily showing off skin. And by "unnecessarily", I mean "required by federal mandate". The picture below was grabbed from the latest trailer for Steve Carrell's upcoming movie, Get Smart, which will co-star the scantily-clad actress. And, just as in Havoc, Hathaway will once again astonish young boys by letting them oogle her goods. While this effort doesn't involve the high-quality, direct-to-dvd nudity of the aforementioned Havoc, I'll still take a near-naked Ms. Hathaway any day of the week.

Let this be a lesson to girls everywhere: there is nothing hotter than the nice girl gone slutty... at least if you're the first guy to catch her on the slutty-side. For if you wait too long, no amount of her former good reputation will stop that burning sensation in your crotch-al region. And whose gonna believe you when you tell them you caught the Clap from a member of the student council. The last time someone caught V.D. from a bookworm, the whole event was orchestrated by Naughty America*.

* - If you get this reference, maybe you should put your dick down and get a job... and send me your membership password. You know.. to make sure you stop using it. Thats the ticket.

Source (TheBlemish)...

Sandwich Diva

Brittany Murphy is taking alot of flak on the set of her new movie, Across the Hall, for apparently having an O.C.D.-variant of P.M.S. (literally drowning the crew in acronyms). She demands a crustless, diagonally-cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches once-an-hour, and constantly has her husband slinking around the set and disrupting work. Which, of course, is to be expected of such an unbelievably famous celebrity like Brittamy Murphy. Nothing says A-list like half-a-dozen forgettable romantic comedies, peppered with a near-cameo role in a sci-fi/fantasy film from time-to-time (drowning me in hyphens).

What I want to know, however, is why this girl eats a sandwich once-an-hour? I don't care if its just PB&J... considering the average day on set for an actress is roughly 9-12 hours... well, you do the math. Which leads me to start anxiously awaiting a story breaking on Ms. Murphy having a psychotic episode in Sam's Club when they inform her they don't sell Smuckers by the drum. I wish I had a better joke to end with here... but failing that: POOP!

Ah, another Peabody-Award worthy post. No need to thank me... just send me money in lieu of gratitude. Please. I haven't eaten in weeks.

Source (TheBlemish)...

RECTUS! DOMINUS!

Apparently, its a Simpson Tuesday. Ashlee Simpson, best known for plastic surgery and a future in the afterlife forever pushing her own chin up a hill, has consumated her unholy union of annoying pseudo-musicians by allowing Pete Wentz's seed inside of her. The resulting child will most likely emerge ugly as sin, with the inate ability to inspire thoughts of infanticide even in conservative nuns. Flash forward fifteen years, and watch the kid manage to attain at least two gold records without being able to play an instrument and/or sing, and/or write.

I'd say the hellspawn's parents will be so proud of It for following in their tasteless example, but I'm fairly certain Jesus will intervene and personally "escort them from the mortal coil" before then.

But seriously, Fall Out Boy is the musical equivilent of rectal bleeding. And Ashlee Simpson is the used tampon Pete Wentz uses to keep the mess off the floor.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

Career Regression 2: Freefall

Poor, poor Jessica Simpson. I guess this is what you get for squandering flawless, dumb blonde looks by hitching yourself to the falling star of Tony Romo. Might I suggest Eli Manning as a suitable upgrade. Or, even better: my penis.

Seriously though, Jessica is rumored to be mere days from being dropped by her record label. Apparently, she's been vacationing with Mr. Wonderful for months now, and won't return phone calls to the executive of her label... which is funny because she's about halfway finished with her forthcoming country album. In summation, Jessica Simpson's career is juuuuuuust about over. If you can't act, then stick with singing. And if you don't want to sing anymore... try adding nudity to your acting. That may read like a joke, but its fairly sound career advice. At least more sound than your Daddy is giving. Posing naked secretly for him at home does NOT count. And is VERY disturbing. Doing it on the silver screen, and allowing countless millions of sexually frustrated males gratify themselves to it, most certainely DOES.

And is VERY disturbing.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Icing on the Turd

The lesser Spears, though still admirably trashy, Jamie-Lynn recently attained her Good Enough Diploma, and is reportedly planning to attend college in the near-future. Of course, the whole "giving birth"-thing might interfere with her plans... or, you know, the "responsible for another human life"-thing afterwards could cut into her study time. Then again, I'm sure Jamie-Lynn has already gotten this whole thing planned out. After all, its not like she would make a career-ending mistak--- oh wait.

Ok, condescending sarcasm aside, I can't wait for the news of little Jamie-Lynn bringing her newborn baby to a Sigma Alpha Epsilon kegger next fall. "Isn't he just precious?! Look at how well he holds Momma's beer for herwhile she upstairs with the entire TEK house! Thats a good boy, such a good boy!" The only part of that previous statement that could POSSIBLY turn out to be false would be the yet-to-be-revealed gender of the child.

God bless the Spears family, although I do believe they are officially praying to Ryan Seacrest and Perez Hilton now instead. I imagine their family crest from the old country to probably depict some manner of barmaid being violated sexually by some manner of farm animal... with the motto "Semper Devoro"* enscribed below.

* - Look it up. I bothered to. Lazy pricks.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Big-Uns

Christina Aguilera, who recently gave birth to her first child, was on Ellen this week, presenting the world with an even greater accomplishment than her freshly spawned offspring: her mind-bending new breasts. Let me just take a moment here to say: I FUCKING CALLED IT!

You see, about a decade ago, when this whole teen singer-sexpot thing started up in force with the arrival of Britney Spears, I found myself mired in countless arguments with my sweaty, hormone-factory peers over the fact that I claimed that Ms. Aguilera was going to turn out much hotter than Ms. Spears. And now, how sweet it is. Sure, you could call me obsessive for bragging over a ten-year old argument. But then again, thats because I was right, and you were wrong. COUNT IT! And now, all that remains is for my prediction concerning the return of neon-rimmed sunglasses to style, and my status as the new Nostradamus will be assured. Kneel before me, my children, and watch as I grow drunk with power... and absinthe. Wow. Thats a pretty rainbow sprouting from your head, Dave. Let me get inside that melon of yours and take a closer look at it. *inarticulate screams and the whine of power tools follow*

Exhibit A

The Good Word

Just a month after swearing off nude scenes forever more, Natalie Portman recently conceded that, upon futher review, she had no problem with her oft-downloaded nakedness in Wes Anderson's short, Hotel Chevalier. Futhermore, Portman claimed that she is still very open to appearing nude on film, provided the script warrant it.

Can you hear that? The sound of a child's laughter in the distance? Well, that has nothing to do with this. But my hysterical tears of joy... they might. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wrap up my screenplay: Anal Fist, A Tale of Young Love. Its a period piece. By which, of course, I mean several actresses will be menstruating throughout the film. Sexy. Wait. What the fuck am I talking about?

Source (IDLYITW)...

"You Talking 'Bout Cuba?"

Fidel Castro, founder and leader of the Communist government of Cuba, will abdicate his position today, February 24, 2008. Castro has been the head of state in Cuba since the 1950's Cuban revolution, and will hand over the reigns of power to his brother, Raul; who also aided him in the coup years ago. Castro is now 81 years old.

Well, what is there to say really. In the end, Fidel never truly harmed the United States. As far as we're concerned, he pretty much just made our leadership anxious... for fifty years. So, overlooking the countless Cubans that have fled their homeland as refugees in the last half-century, I'm gonna call no-blood, no-foul on this one. Congratulations on your retirement, o' brutal dictator, not many in your line of work make it this point. Thanks again for making the flexible military cap fashionable, and inspiring ten millions clueless college kids to wear Che Guerra t-shirts for a century to come.

Source (CNN.com)...

Should've Taken That Blue Pill, Lady.

A man in Stony Point, NY, was arrested early this morning for punching his girlfriend in the face repeatedly... as he clung to the roof of her car and swung his fist through the driver's side window as she was driving. The car reportedly travelled more than a mile down the road, colliding with several other cars, before finally coming to a halt. The woman, 37, was charged with felony reckless endangerment; while the male, 42, was charged with misdemeanor assault.

So, apparently, Neo became a spousal abuser in his later years. I never endorse a man who strikes a woman, but as a small piece of advise to the girls out there on the dating scene: avoid black trenchcoat clad men with vacant expressions on their face... and can't stop mentioning "Zion". Actually, as a better rule, just avoid anyone who starts dropping the word "Zion" all over the place. Best case, you've still got a terrorist on your hands, just not the cyber kind. More like the funeral shroud, AK-47-toting kind. Granted, I don't think Osama is participating in many high-speed, vehicular fist-fights these days, with his trick hip and all. Still, if you must ignore this advice... at least promise me you'll install a cow-catcher on the front of your Subaru.

Source (CNN.com)....