The Irony of Postive Thinking

Kelly Preston, "wife" of John Travolta, recently claimed that she knew she'd marry Travolta after seeing his picture in a poster for Grease. Also, the couple has been quoted in several sources as trying to concieve their third and final child recently. Or maybe two-and-a-half, since they've completely, and quietly, ostrasized their oldest son, Jett, who has autism. Whose victims, of course, scientologists regard in the same way hindu's regard untouchables. Because whats the point of having a son if he can't be genetically perfect and therefore achieve OT Level 20, and therefore be the messiah. I can only assume that poor Jett refused to "grind for experience points" at Tom Cruise's dungeon.

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On the first note, thats gotta suck to have the classic teeny-bopper crush on your TigerBeat favorite, and then grow up to marry the guy only to find out he is a flamingly-closeted homosexual. Who believes he is infected with alien souls. And that an accusedly-child molesting science-fiction author is his prophet. Its like me finally getting with Natalie Portman, and finding out she has a penis*. Although, I'm sure that a life of wealth, secrecy, and anonymous-stranger compensation sex has its perks, I guess. And besides, this was probably great prep work for playing Tom Cruise's first girlfriend in Jerry McGuire. Which was, after all, the current high point of her career. Way to go, Kelly. Keep reaching for that star**.

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* - Read Reaction As: "What?!..... AWESOME!!.... *slurp*

** - "That Star" = Natalie Portman's fictional penis.

Full Story (Celebitchy)....

Tease Me Not, Wes Anderson!

Natalie Portman, best known for haunting my dreams, is rumored to finally appear nude in the upcoming Wes Anderson short film, Hotel Chevalier. However, I have no idea how this rumor is substantiated, and thus must sort it under "Unlikely" in my hopes and aspirations filing cabinet. After similar rumors for Closer and Goya's Ghost, expect her upcoming project, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, to open with claims that Natalie playfully masturbates with children's toys for half of the movie.

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Do people need to hurt me like this? Do they wake in the morning and turn to themselves saying "You know who deserves some limitless frustration.... that kid with the HUUUUUUGE penis!" Honestly, what other reason can they have to hate me so other than pure jealousy. Listen, if you've possessed an internet connection in the last ten years, and have been remotely interested in Natalie Portman, then you HAVE seen her topless before. But unlike other actresses where once you've seen the goods, you feel as if the mystery is solved, with Natalie all you feel is the bitter emptiness until you see it again. And again. And again. And again. And when the local church kicks you out of its computer lab for making said pictures the background on every one of the children's section desktops, you can tell them that its the fault of whoever teased you with more Portman nudity. After all, the aforementioned is just the natural cause-and-effect. Kinda like the sun warming the Earth. Or drugs bringing success and happiness to your life. Its inevitable.... Neo.

Source (Popoholic)...

My Penis is Confused

Maggie Gyllenhaal has been named the new face of Agent Provocateur lingerie. Gyllenhaal is most famous for her roles in Secretary, Donnie Darko, and the upcoming Dark Knight. Additionally, it has been noted that she and her brother, Jake, are in talks to voice the Wonder Twins in the upcoming Justice League movie.
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Honestly, I don't know how to feel about this. At first, I hear Maggie Gyllenhaal and I think "Meh". Then I see these pictures and I temporarily am aroused. But then, I notice that its Maggie Gyllenhaal's face above that body, and instead of reverting to "Meh", I get stuck in a strange arousal limbo*. Its like a permanent half-stock. Its got length, but no solidity. I don't think the choice of "sexy" wardrobe is helping either. This is like looking at pictures of your whorish grandmother in her youth. "Blowing sailors down by the docks is the least I can do to help Uncle Sam get them damn Jerry's!.... *splat*... Twenty-three-skidoo!"

Source (IDLYITW)...

* - The object of this game is the same as the Catholic Church's stance on sexuality: Never touch pole to pole.

It Must Be Summer (Eva Longoria)

Eva Longoria, otherwise known as Muy Caliente de Bano*, is doing what she does best today: showing off her fantastic latina ass down by the shore. As an experiment some time, try searching for on Google Images, and count how many bikini pictures pop up. I stopped counting at elevendy thousand.

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*Sigh*. This girl isn't even hot; she is spicy. And I don't mean in that generic "what-a-saucy-lass" kinda way. I mean in that two Guaco Loco's deep into a three hour long Dos Equis' binge after the Puerto Rican parade way. Ah, memories of that lazy afternoon spent under the parade ground bleachers... and those sweet moments Eva and I spent together. Sure, "Eva" happened to be named "Hector", but after all that peyote he gave me, what you see to the left was what I got. Plus the added bonus of a mustache and a mean case of eczema. *dances around to inexplicable horn and electric piano*

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Keira Knightley: Made of Waves, Not Particles

It seems you can't walk two feet around the net this past week without seeing yet another report on Keira Knightley's emaciated figure. Suddenly, blogging apparently comes with a certification in anorexic rehabilitation. Ironically, all of this comes just two months after Knightley filed several lawsuits against tabloid magazines for doing essentially the same thing. Ah, the legal ambiguity of internet blogging.
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But, on a serious note, yes, I agree Keira Knightley would be better off with a little bit more meat on her bones. There is something attractive about the wafish look, but for her own good she'd net about twice the amount of attention with about at least 20 more pounds; mostly in the chest, ass and legs. However, its MUCH better for me with the way she is now. Advantage to fucking a 80 lbs. girl? At that size, a 2" penis feels like getting violated by a cement truck. Plus, you can't deny the hotness of someone whose body barely registers on the spectrum of visible light.

Source (TheSuperficial)....

Danny Devito's Contract (NSFW)

Maybe I should start watching this show... I think I just had a massive embolism of the Devito.

You cant be him, he's a Barack star!

Well, at least according to George "I'm sexy even when I vomit" Clooney. Good 'ol George is quite smitten with the Democratic, Presidental candidate. Telling the AP in Italy that Obama has the presence of a rock star.

"You've been in a room once in a while with a rock star. He walks into the world, and he takes your breath away. I'd love him to be president, quite honestly," the actor told reporters Friday at the Venice Film Festival, where his legal thriller "Michael Clayton" was premiering.

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Okay folks, I'm gonna stop right here. Do me a favor go back to the quote and just read over that once more. Go. I'll wait.....Done? Good. Yeah, I had to read that twice myself to be sure and the third time so I could soil myslef from the uncontrollable laughter. It seems George not only wants him to be President but most likely a life partner or slave for some kind of weird fetish involving that poor pug puppy. ALLITERATION! The last time I checked it's not normal for one man to leave another man breathless. Unless you're Steven Segal and just crushed some poor Mexican immigrants trachea. "Niko! You're not above the law!". End scene.

AOLnews

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-SlapChicken-

South Koreans Survive Ganking by Taliban

19 South Koreans have reached home after spending six weeks as hostages to the Taliban. They were accused by the Taliban of coming to Afghantistan as Christian missionaries, a charge denied by the group and South Korean government. Two of their number had been executed during their captivity. Interestingly enough, the Koreans openly apologized to their government upon their return, citing the trouble and unrest they had caused their people.

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First... that shows the cultural rift between us and everyone else, huh? Any kidnapped American would be rewarded with a T.V. movie about their story, and would probably sue the government upon return.

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Second... the captivity was terrible, yes. But not nearly as much as the horror of returning home and finding out they didn't log out their Orc Warlock in an Inn, and therefore have earned no rest points. Which results in 19 suicides. "The honor of my family's gold farming business has been forever ruined!

Full Story (CNN)...

"Okay, Who brought the dog?"

Or whatever the hell that thing is. Phylis Canion a home owner in Texas found the carcas of the animal outside of her residence. She and neighbors found the bodies of three more over a four day span in the month of July. Canion believes this animal to be the legendary Chupacabra as she stated many of her chickens had been killed and drained of their blood inexplicably. "What folks are calling a chupacabra is probably just a strange breed of dog, said veterinarian Travis Schaar of the Main Street Animal Hospital in nearby Victoria"

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No, you're kidding? You mean to tell me that could be a dog? *gulp*. No shit, Sherlock. Obviously it's some type of canine, albeit a fucked up one. What bothers me more is that she didn't just find one, she found three. That's a bit unsettling, but then again no ones ever seen anything like it before so at least they're good at staying out of my line of vision. Also, being two thousand miles away doesn't hurt. Chupacabra, I think not. Scary ass Rat Dog from Willow. Indeed!

AOLnews

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-SlapChicken-

Wonder Twins, Form of.....a summer flop!

Wow, God really does hate everyone. Rumors are starting to surface on the set of "The Dark Knight" that Maggie Gylenhall, who's replaced Katie Holmes as Bruce Waynes love interest, has been asked to play one of the two Wonder Twins in the upcoming Justice League movie. The only upcoming thing when I think of Maggie Gyllenhal is my lunch. To make Matters worse guess who'll play the other twin? No, not Richard Belzer, her brother apropriately enough, Jake Gyllenhal.

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As if this is not bad enough, here's something that will make you wish you were never even a zygote. Other roles in the J.L.A movie will be; Laurence "Morpheus" Fishburne as Martian Manhunter, Ryan Reynolds as The Flash, Tom Welling as Superman and... hang on to your yarmulke's, Ben Stiller as Batman.
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*Screehing tires*. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ben Stiller? This has to be a joke, right, RIGHT? What the fuck, man! What are these people thinking when casting movies these days? I don't mind having Tom Welling as Superman as there were rumors abound that he was one of the orginal choices for the Superman Returns movie. There's no way Ben Stiller can be Batman though. How can you have a Super hero that has to be inside his home before sun down on the weekends? Not only that but will basically disappear during the fall due to obscure and ancient holiday's that force them to be daiturnal. It's just a bad decision, nothing good can come of this it's.....ah, you know what. Fuck it. Good luck, Master Stiller.

Dlisted.

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-SlapChicken-

That Must've Been One Badass Ninja.

First of all.... BEST... TITLE.... EVER. *takes breath*

It seems that although Shaolin Monks can withstand subzero temperatures in a perfect state of meditation, and THEN procede to also be the invetors of Kung Fu, they have finally developed a weakness: Internet Flaming via Blogs. Some internet blogger has been posting claims that a Ninja defeated several Shaolin Monks in hand-to-hand combat recently. The best part is that the Monks are taking this so seriously that they are coming out and condeming these claims publically in newspapers across China. I'll leave the hilarious/action-lacked details to be read through the link. However, let me just offer up my one, cherubic-eyed prayer that this somehow results in David Carradine finally kicking Keanu Reeves' ass. "I know Kung Fu!"..... *crack* *pow* *smash* *decapitate* *sodomize?* .... "Yeah, well I was ON Kung Fu ...bitch."



And for anyone wondering, its actually against both state and federal law to speak the words "Kung" and/or "Fu" without mentioning David Carradine within at least two paragraphs before and/or after. Look it up.



Oh, and those Shaolin Monks clearly got pwned.



Full Story (MSNBC)....

Hayden Panetierre can see my dreams.

This pic of Hayden dressed as my *dream girl were taken in Germany during a promo tour for Heroes.
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Get outta my head, get outta my head!! This is just unfair if you ask me, so don't.
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*German slave for unspeakable things: Like watching one hundred hours of hockey a week and making me sandwiches. Dirty bastards, minds out of the gutter! On a related note though, she's been legal for 10 days. Woohoo, I won't feel like I should serve 5-10 anymore!

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TheBlemish.com

-SlapChicken

Judd Apatow, you crazy jew, I love you.

Glorious!!