Sign of the apocalypse.

Take that fucking hat off! Goddammit, what the hell is going on here? Why the fuck is Rick DiPietro wearing a Mets hat. Goddamn Islander's sullying everything I care for. Apparently the Islander's management was so surprised with people who actually renewed their season tickets that they decided to send their "NYI365" (God, that's gay) subscribers free tickets to the September 26th Mets game against the Nationals.
.....

Wait, wait. Here's my favorite part that makes close to zero sense at all. I quote...

"There are many reasons for Islanders fans to be a member of NYI365 but never enough ways for our organization to thank our subscribers for their loyalty and support throughout the hockey season," said Chris Dey, the Islanders Senior Vice President of Sales, Marketing and Operations. "We felt this was a fun way to kick off the hockey season. We really look forward to seeing all of our season subscribers at the Mets game."

What?!?! So a fun way to kick off the hockey season is by buying your season subscribers nose bleed seats to a Mets game? They are aware that Baseball is NOT hockey, right, RIGHT??!!
............

Hey, douchebags. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on horrible seats to a National League game why not treat your fans to something they might actually give a shit about. Jesus Christ, these people obviously have incredible and extremely retarded loyalty to the team if they renewed. If you're going to do this why didn't you just have everyone line up outside the Coliseum. Once all are accounted for, hand out Mark Parrish jerseys with a courtesy and gratuitous kick to the scrotum. Finish it up by spitting in their face and shouting "We're all Islanders!".

Hahahaha! *sigh*


...........

-SlapChicken-

Long Island: Where goaltenders go to die.

First off....Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!! Eh hem, sorry. Mike Dunham has retired after 10 "seasons" in the NHL. Dunham was then hired as the New York Islanders goaltending coach.

"Mike had an outstanding NHL career and was very well-regarded for his work ethic and his leadership," said Islanders head coach Ted Nolan. "I'm very happy to have all of his experience on our coaching staff. Last season he was extremely helpful as a teammate to the development of Rick DiPietro and Wade Dubielewicz and that process will continue with Mike as our goalie coach."

............
"Mike had an outstanding career". Really? When did this happen? I must have missed something. Was I in a coma when he won a Stanley Cup or was more than just a place holder for better goalies on every other team? You know what though, he truly was an integral part in the development of the two afore mentioned goalies. I mean who else would have kept the bench warm for those guys. You need someone like that, someone to keep the bench from flying away into orbit. Honestly, I'm beginning to think Charles Wang is not a dummy, but actually a comedic genius. He's made hockey fans across the country laugh uncontrollably for the last 3 seasons.

NYISLANDERS.COM

........

-SlapChicken-

Trust the Gordon's Fisherman

Okay. So this is long overdue. But here's my response to Dr. SlapChicken's diagnosis of the upcoming NHL season, otherwise known as the 2nd to last NHL season. And by the picture above, I'm sure you've already gathered that I'm going to be uber-immature about this.

...

The Islanders suck.

...

Let me repeat that: the NEW YORK ISLANDERS suck. In a way, they have always sucked, even when they were romping the league in the early 1980's. For they are the Islanders, and lo' was it written, in the sacred texts handed down by Jehovah "engraving" His Word upon the Holy Ice with his mildly-warm and highly-acidic golden stream of omnipotence. And yey, the Words upon the Ice read: "Thou shalt never charge more than $16 for shitty seats." (A Commandment which was immediately off-set by "Thou shalt charge $7.50 for a Heineken whilst claiming it to be an 'Exotic Beer'").

...

However, NO MATTER how badly the Isles suck, nor how many games the Rangers defeat them in by scores that resemble those of an NBA team playing against 6 avocadoes, they will never, ever, EVER...........and the Rock means: EVER! suck as badly as the Rangers do in their dark and lonely souls. And though the Devils will always be worse, and the nigh-unmentionable Flyers will trump even the aforementioned fanless Stanley Cup-factory, the Rangers will always, ALL-VAYS, be worth just about as much as a smudge of fecal matter on the tip of a nuclear ICBM about 3 seconds before airburst over Haiphong.

.....

And, as my aqua-luminescent* colleague noted earlier, spending the gross domestic product of France on acquring new players is not necessarily a good idea. Unless you wear pinstripes on your jersey. And even then it works about half of the time......... plus you have to be playing baseball...... And that just sucks period.

...

Ok, I lost my train of thought. But the crux of it is this: the sole purpose of the upcoming hockey season is to fulfill my secret masturbatory dream of watching Chris Simon kill Sean Avery on ice, or failing that, sleeping with Elisha Cuthbert whilst doing the chicken dance and concordantly shitting on a VHS copy of the Mark Messier number retirement ceremony.

....

* - And yes, SlapChicken glows when placed in water. The reason behind which is too horrible to discuss aloud. (see: "Tuskunga Event")