Uber-Fantasy Camp

Billy Crystal signed a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees today, allowing him to play in Thursdays exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates. Crystal, a lifelong Yankee fan, produced the film "61*" years ago, which portrayed the 1961 Yankees season in which Roger Maris and Mickey Mantle competed to best Babe Ruth's single-season home run record. A fixture at Yankee Stadium throughout his career, Crystal will sport the number 60 in honor of his upcoming 60th birthday.

Ok. Let's skip the: "Ha Ha Ha, the Yankees are so desperate, they're signing a past-his-prime comedian!" jokes... mainly because they aren't jokes... they're the literary equivilent of a drinking flat Mountain Dew. In any case, I'm more curious about just how much fame it takes to graduate from Fantasy Camp status to actual Contract status. What exactly pushed Billy Crystal over the top? City Slickers 2: The Search for Curley's Gold? Honestly, has he done anything else since then? I'm almost sure he hosted another Oscars ceremony, but I can't be sure. I need to know. If my only ticket into a New York Football Giants uniform is to dig up the bones of Jack Palance and make some second-rate family comedies, then prepare yourself for Huntin' Buddies... a wacky adventure through the Pacific Northwest, where a naive, young male billionaire (yours truly) gets taught about life, love and how to properly kill a Kodiak bear using only a plastic spoon by my grizzled trailguide, Bubs MacBlavin (Palance). Its gold, I tell you! Pure, Hollywood, Exploding Gold!


On a side note, why are the only "fantasy camps" sports-related? Why no sexual fantasy camps? Oh wait. The Bunny Ranch. Right.

All this can be yours... for about $5,000/hour

Source (FoxSports.com)...

Sign of the apocalypse.

Take that fucking hat off! Goddammit, what the hell is going on here? Why the fuck is Rick DiPietro wearing a Mets hat. Goddamn Islander's sullying everything I care for. Apparently the Islander's management was so surprised with people who actually renewed their season tickets that they decided to send their "NYI365" (God, that's gay) subscribers free tickets to the September 26th Mets game against the Nationals.
.....

Wait, wait. Here's my favorite part that makes close to zero sense at all. I quote...

"There are many reasons for Islanders fans to be a member of NYI365 but never enough ways for our organization to thank our subscribers for their loyalty and support throughout the hockey season," said Chris Dey, the Islanders Senior Vice President of Sales, Marketing and Operations. "We felt this was a fun way to kick off the hockey season. We really look forward to seeing all of our season subscribers at the Mets game."

What?!?! So a fun way to kick off the hockey season is by buying your season subscribers nose bleed seats to a Mets game? They are aware that Baseball is NOT hockey, right, RIGHT??!!
............

Hey, douchebags. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on horrible seats to a National League game why not treat your fans to something they might actually give a shit about. Jesus Christ, these people obviously have incredible and extremely retarded loyalty to the team if they renewed. If you're going to do this why didn't you just have everyone line up outside the Coliseum. Once all are accounted for, hand out Mark Parrish jerseys with a courtesy and gratuitous kick to the scrotum. Finish it up by spitting in their face and shouting "We're all Islanders!".

Hahahaha! *sigh*


...........

-SlapChicken-

Touch 'Em All

Alyssa Milano is juicing the internet for publicity this week, now with the release of several new products from her women's baseball line of clothing, "Touch". I could make some joke about "striking out", "rounding the bases" or just "balls", but my PhD in comedy from Chuckles Laugh Shack in Amityville, NY might be tarnished by the effort. My thesis, entitled The Cumulative Effect of High-Speed Object-to-Groin Collisions, is still required reading for every America's Funniest Home Videos major..... and is considered the senior seminar for Special Education majors as well.

....

Oh, and yes, I am currently lavishing in her Yankee-ness. Sure, she is wearing other teams' logos as well, but as a Yankee fan, my baseball-vision only percieves Yankee ensignias, championship rings, and knee-jerk-reaction roster clearing during the off-season. Everything else should just be ignored. Especially since everytime I see a capital "B" written in red, my eyes uncontrollably roll for hours on end. The doctors called it a seizure, but I know the truth.

....

Oh, and if I wasn't clear enough above: Fuck the Boston Red Sox. There. I love being inflammatory.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

30 runs and they still suck.

Well, someone forgot to tell the Texas Rangers how incredibly bad they are before last night's game against the Baltimore Orioles. The Orioles had a 3-0 lead in what seemed like a normal game, until the powers that be decided that the day the sun shined on a dogs ass would be this day. The Rangers scored 30, I repeat, THIRTY unanswered runs after that. Meanwhile while their manager was sacrificing live animals in the clubhouse while chanting in tongue's , the Rangers completed a feat that had not been accomplished by any team in MLB modern day history. The last time a team scored this much was in 1897. That's a long time ago, Larry King was just a teenager then.

........

Even after the game, Ron Washington. the devil worshipping, soul selling manager of the Rangers was very shocked that his team had done something....good??? When told his team had set a record for most runs by an AL team ever, he stated....

"I didn't know that. It means we set a record on the good side of baseball," Rangers manager Ron Washington said. "I was just hoping we'd get some consistency."

......

Don't worry, Ron. I never realized the Rangers could do anything that would show them in a positive light, either. This team didn't just set a record, they embarassed the Orioles. Basically calling the O's pitching staff, pube-less, girly men with each swing of the bat. I'm stocking up on supplies like canned goods and propane lamps, because the last time I checked my *holy book, this was one of the signs of the apocalypse. You people better leave town fast before the L.A. Clippers win a championship.

Whole Sha-bang.

.....

* When I say holy book I mean the 11 year old issue of Playboy I have under my bed featuring the WWF's "Sable". I don't care what you say, she talks to me damnit!

-SlapChicken-