This should turn out well....

According to some recent reports, Emma Watson is considering signing on to a goth remake of Cinderella... alongside Marilyn Manson. For those of you with me on "ummm... ok" page, consider this: according to unnamed sources this is part of a larger effort Emma is making to break free from her "child star" image as her co-star Daniel Radcliffe did before her by appearing nude on stage.

The sad part is that, in your heart of hearts, you already know we're not going to get the same results with Emma. She immediately strikes me as one of those celebrities where nudity is just never going to happen unless its a complete accident. Then again, she IS british, and those limeys seem to have no compunction with topless breasts appearing on literally every piece of printed literature. So maybe we'll get something unexpected someday... but probably not from this train-wreck of a movie waiting to happen. This will probably just be some Tim Burton fanboy's dim fantasy, scrawled out in txt format, and hastily submitted to a studio executive shortly after recieving "good feedback" from fellow fan-fiction writers on the net.

Why can't more celebrities take the Anne Hathaway route? You can't get that girl to keep her shirt ON anymore... and thats why I worship her as a saint. If only my masterful scheme to frame her boyfriend for international financial fraud had worked out as well as I planned... or perhaps I've said too much....

p.s.: Marilyn Manson's life has become excessive drug abuse, occasional touring, and banging out barely legal celebs. So, um, yeah.... good luck working with that guy, Emma.

Natalie Portman is in "Thor"...ummm, ok.

News broke yesterday that Natalie Portman will be playing the love interest in the upcoming Thor movie adaptation, thereby fulfilling her contractual obligation to nerds everywhere requiring her to appear in at least one sci-fiction and/or fantasy genre movie every three years. Sometimes I wonder what its like to be her agent.... "Alright Natalie, in the next few months we have three period-piece dramas, seven indie/slightly-hipsteresque "comedies"*, a Discovery channel special.... oh, and The Matrix 7: Revenge of the College Psychology Syllabus".

This girl is going to be forced into attending Comic-Cons for the rest of her natural life. And I appreciate that. But Thor? Really? I'm sure I'll be subjected to various nerdrage for this, but lets be honest: Thor sucks. Couple this with the news that Ryan Reynolds will be playing Hal Jordan's Green Lantern, and this looks like a depressing year for comic book movies. That being said, the fact that Natalie is in this movie is probably enough to make me go see it anyways, so good on you marketing executives. Even though the role of "love interest" in one of these things is usually confined to shooting the main character confused "what-are-you-hiding-from-me" looks for the 1st 3/4's of the flick, and then getting kidnapped and rescued just before credits roll.

Almost Emma, Almost

Well, its Wednesday and goddamit if my vacation next week doesn't feel like its still literally months away. So lets kill the hours together with eye candy.

The new Harry Potter flick is coming out tonight, and while I'll probably not bother with it until the inevitable HBO blitzkrieg of repeat showings early next year, I can't really pretend to hate these movies anymore either. If nothing else, they've given me a progressively-less-creepy celebrity crush in Emma Watson (pictured left, so close to making my month that it hurts).

Seriously, about the time this girl is 26, she's pretty going to be Kate Beckinsale. That perfect face, perfect body, British chick who you always double-take over when you pops up on t.v. As is, though, at 19, she's already well-beyond most other celebrities in her age-group. Add to that the fact that I don't want to stab out my ear drums with a flathead screwdriver everytime she opens her mouth. Thats always a plus.

Priority divided by Weight Gain over Time

Well, the inevitable has happened. Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson have officially called it quits. And thus passes one of the more publicized celebrity couplings of our modern day. Not to mention the only hope for this New York Football Giant fan not to seriously question Tony Romo's ambigious sexuality.

Listen, I get it. I'll readily admit that I exude an interest in football thats borderline nerd-like obsession, but even I would take a step back from all the Romo-hate in the wake of his choketacular postseason performances in the last years, almost always blamed purely on the large breasted Texan to the right. While everyone else would sit there accusing Romo of being distracted away from his job, I'd be the only one sitting there saying "Can you blame him?!" Very few things in life are more important that football... but regularly banging one of the hottest girls on the planet is defintely one of them. That being said, I'm pretty sure that dealing with the vacuous sense of self-entitlement that comes hand-in-hand with the aforementioned amazing body can eventually tip the scales over time.

Nevertheless, I think the picture below is a pretty good bet as to where Jessica can go from here. And all the inuendo that it implies.

Anyone else feel like there should be a NaughtyAmerica tag on the lower left corner of that cap?

Raised from the dead by hot french bitches...

The following post does not promise, nor imply, an effort towards future improvement in regularity of updates. Instead, it is purely a reflection of the writer's present fleeting obsession with the following celebrity figure.

Alright, this is more than old news, but I thought it bared mentioning regardless: Alizee is impossibly hot. I mean, like orbiting-so-close-to-the-sun-that-you'd-be-warping space-time-kinda hot. Sure, we have a long, proud history of pop tart starlets here in the States too, but I gotta be honest... not like this. Which begs the alarming question: are we Americans losing the ass race with Europe?! How will our national security be ensured without a constantly-upgraded stream of mildly-talented, extremely-pro-tools'ed (yes, thats a verb.... NOW) borderline jailbait singers.... to make us feel uncomfortable and confusing emotions? If thats our future, people, I don't want any part of it, man. Just put me on the boat to France right now. I'm pretty good at feigning arrogance and surrendering to Germany.

Jailbird

Leighton Meester, who is apparently on that show Gossip Girl, has escaped my attention for quite some time now. However, with news today that she was born in jail has intrigued me. It turns out Meester's mother was convicted of involvement with the smuggling of 1,200 lbs. of marijuana when she was 29... and shortly thereafter little Leighton came into the world... in the county. Which begs the question: does her mother have any "connects" she could hook me up with? C'mon, baby, I'm fucking fiending here. Don't you hold out on me, bitch?!

Yeah, so...uh.. this girl is pretty. And apparently open-minded about being a pothead. Throw Star Wars-geek and socially-dysfunctional personality into the equation... and I think I just met my wife. See, ladies? This here is the TOTAL PACKAGE.

A Rachel Bilson Moment

Did you ever watch the O.C.? Yeah, me neither. But one of my friends did, and that caused me to question his sexuality ever since. But then I started noticing Rachel Bilson, which allayed my doubts somewhat. Honestly, she has a surprisingly perfect body, and I could pretty much stare at this picture all day long. That being said, when I told my friend this he responded by telling me "yeah, and she's got such a great fashion sense, too!". Needless to say, I'm a little skeptical again.

A Jennifer Esposito Moment

There's something about this chick's eyes that is absolutely fascinating to me. Everything else on the checklist is about average for a celebrity, but goddamn... those eyes. I sat through the entirety of that movie Taxi just to oogle her unabashedly whilst trying to block out the banter of Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon. Around the 20 min mark though, the sound had to get to turned off. Around the 35 min mark, the movie got turned off. Our business was... concluded. Oh, and Jimmy Fallon: to be the next Adam Sandler, you have to make two GOOD movies before you pump out half-a-dozen turd cupcakes. Mmm... cupcakes. Wait... did I just imply that I would to eat Jimmy Fallon's feces? How did that happen? Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound... *munch munch munch*.

P.S.: Watching "Taxi" probably qualifies as "eating Jimmy Fallon's shit" anyways. Zing.

A Jamie Chung Moment

Before you hit me with "who the hell is that", let me just say that you are an impatient fuck. Now, after you've settled down, let me explain that Jamie Chung was the hottest (read: almost only) asian on the Real World. My friend SlapChicken tells me that she's also on this show called Samurai Girl, but not nearly as unclothed as you see to the right. Which begs the question: just how gay is SlapChicken for knowing that? Or better yet: just how foolish are that show's producers for failing to come up with that idea? What? That show is on ABC Family? Alright, even better. *sirens in distance* Shit! This bird's gonna fly! *escapes Penguin-style... but due to a faulty umbrellacopter falls sixty feet to his death two blocks away*

A Selma Blair Moment

Remember that movie where those that chick made out in Central Park with Sarah Michelle Gellar? Well, that girl's name was Selma Blair, and if you'd heard that clip on Howard Stern of some girl dirty talking and dropping n-bombs, you've heard of her before. I think she's dating Hellboy right now, or something. Now, usually, I am the type of guy to appreciate any breast size, and oppose implants at every turn. That being said, Selma Blair is one cup size short of being nuclear-grade attractive. Still, I'll settle for m80-grade hotness any day of the week, so I probably shouldn't bitch... alright, you got me... I'd sleep with a trash can... if only it would give me the time of day... *sigh* someday, Rubbermaid. Someday.