Shannon Elizabeth Makes Me Feel Old

Shannon Elizabeth, best known for having little problem with gratuitous nudity, turned 34 yesterday. Which is semi-frightening, because it reminds me that she was 26 when American Pie came out, an age I am rapidly approaching. Why frightening? Because I was in the depths of high school when this movie came out. Furthermore, think about how often you saw this girl a mere 8 years ago, and now..... she might as well not exist. *Shudder* I can feel the icy fingers of death tightening around my throat. Sure, you may say that getting freaked out about entering your later twenties isn't reasonable, but when you've been smoking six packs of Uncle Joe's Real Man Cigarettes a day, mid-twenties = late-sixties. Uncle Joe's secret ingredient: substitute tobacco-based tar for road-repaving-based tar. That'll put hair on yer peaches.

Cameron Diaz is a Reverse Vampire

Cameron Diaz, who apparently has switched careers from "actress" to "actor/musician/model's girlfriend", turned 35 last week. Now, I don't usually mention alot of celebrity birthdays on here, but I thought this one was of note, only because I think it should be documented that an extremely hot blond girl turned into skeletor before our very eyes over the last decade. Think about it. Cameron was her hottest, inarguably, in 1994's The Mask, but didn't finally break out until 1998's There's Something About Mary (though 1997's A Life Less Ordinary was by far her best work). At that time, men would literally throw themselves into active volcanoes whilst screaming her name in hopes that maybe she'd come to their funeral, and therefore technically could be in the same room as her. Now, I swear to you, I could spend fourty-five minutes straight cranking it to The Holiday and have nothing to show for it except for sub-helmet bruising around the collar. I can't really qualify this as a "What Happened?!" entry, only because its BEEN happening for the last decade. I know "What Happened".... my penis was made very, very sad. And thus, the world's penis cried with me.

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However, I will admit that Shrek 3 was a non-stop flog fest. That is until some angry mothers in the theater complained to the management. Fucking prudes. Now I'm glad I gave the woman next to me my own homemade artificial butter for her popcorn before I left. I don't care if your kid is crying and/or traumatized. I thought we lived in a country where a man can be what he wants, worship what he wants, and enjoy movies the way he wants. And the only way for that last one is pants off, ladies. Pants off.

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Here's some fine examples of the way things used to be.... finishing with what they are now..*ugh*