Lopez Baby Comes Out of Closet... of Existence!

Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony are reportedly preparing to "officially" announce her pregnancy as per several sources. But the real story here is how thankful we all should be that this is happening now, in 2007, as opposed to say 2001. Elsewise, we would be literally drowned in a flood of jokes about how huge this yet-to-be infant's ass will be and/or if the father of this child is, infact, Ms. Lopez's tremedous ass. You could try to fun in terror, but a flood of mediocre stand-up comedians would come crashing down the city streets ala the spreading firestorm in Independence Day. Run! Carlos Mencia! Save yourselves before the phrase "beaner baby" destroys us all!

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Also, I'm fairly certain Sarah Silverman would show up and take the high road by finding a way to blend a huge ass joke with an abortion joke. And half the country would claims it was clever, and the other half would start calling for her head. And me? Oh, I'm sorry, I was kinda staring at her tits. What was she saying? Something about her tits right? Right?

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Secrets of the Hidden Lopez

Jennifer Lopez, She of the 88 Marriages, has won her lawsuit against ex-husband Ojani Noa over his to-be-published novel about their brief marital union. As per the terms of their divorce, Noa was blocked from revealing any details* about their relationship, a fact it seems that must've slipped his mind when he decided to reveal EVERY detail of said coupling to the world via trashy, pseudo-literature. And the bill for his little indiscretion: $545,000.

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Yes, I do agree that this protruding forehead of a man does have it coming to him for thinking that he'd somehow slip this one by when he had already signed a legal document EXPLICITLY instructing him to never do anything like this. However, isn't it kinda funny when the penalty for Conspiracy to Expose J.Lo Secrets is barely enough for Lopez to pay the monthly electric bill for her mansion while simulatenously wiping this guy's bank account out and put him in debt for the next say, 30 years? Way to get revenge, Jennifer. Its not enough to grow embarassingly wealthy (off of no more talent than the size of your ass can provide) while this guy still eats his dinner at the local Wendy's. Now take away his Wendy's money, too! That'll show him for letting you leave him in order to better allocate your time for blowing record execs. Men are assholes.

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* - Oh, and like all female celebrity secrets, you already know what it is. Three words: Throbbing Concealed Penis.