A Scientologist escapee is claiming that Tom Cruise hoodwinked several leading women in Hollywood to audition for the role of his wife, before eventually settling on Katie Holmes in 2005. Reportedly, Scientology leaders dispatched several employees of the "church" to recruit actresses who were in their 20's for a supposed upcoming Cruise movie. However, when reporting for their audition, these actresses were scouted as potential wife material, and the Cruise project turned out to be only a lure. Apparently, Cruise was shot down by Jennifer Garner, Jessica Alba, and fellow Scientologist Erica Christensen. Hilariously, Scarlett Johansson reportedly was excited for her audition, only to "freak out" when her limo pulled up infront of one of the Scientology offices and refused to go inside. Eventually, the wife-scouts caught word that Katie Holmes was nursing a childhood crush on Tom, and arranged their meeting (one can only assume the "contract" was hashed out soon afterward... I'd imagine the first sentence included the words: "seperate bedrooms" and "open mind towards homosexuality").
This is just about how I pictured it. I've never quite understood why Tom Cruise is so deadset on pretending to be heterosexual, especially in today's Hollywood. All of this has sounded alot more like it belongs in a tawdry novel about 1940's Hollywood... you know, the ones that always postulate classic actors and actresses your grandparents loved recklessly doing drugs, having Roman Empire-sytle orgies, and "accidentally" murdering around half-a-dozen callgirls (or boys) a piece. Maybe thats the true purpose of Scientology: to make the entertainment industry as cloak-and-dagger and overall creepy as it was in yesteryear. Poor Katie Holmes, though. Your dead eyes and joyless smile cannot hide the fact that you fear for your life on a daily basis. I know your pride won't let you, but you have to call Dawson. Tell him you're scared and you want to come home. You'll be catching lyme disease on the banks of that fucking creek again in no time. It always upsets me to see a young woman who has given so much to the world* be treated in such a way.
* - Have you SEEN "The Gift"?
Big fucking surprise, everybody: Katie Holmes' acting career is pretty much finished. Apparently, Broadway ticket brokers can't give seats away to her new show. Which is pretty hilarious, considering I still believe that Ms. Holmes saw fit to marry the most psychologically unbalanced man in Hollywood for the purpose of reinvigorating her tepid fame. A few years later, and what do we have: countless tabloid rumors, a failed movie, and a turkey-baster baby that owes 23 chromosomes to the right-hand man of Intergalatic Lord Xenu. Irony certainely is delicious isn't it. Its no wonder Katie has transformed from the girl-next-door to something vaguely resembling a supervillaness. Compare below, and tell me that this girl doesn't spend most of her nights these days planning to foment fear, war and death across the world. 
