Victoria Beckham appeared in Vogue recently, treating the world with the fascinating self-reflection of a skeletor-like British slag. Here's a golden nugget for you, which gives a brief glimspe into the Somali-esque existence of a former Spice Girl:She also discusses her pain at the damage her children did to “a lilac crocodile Hermes handbag” her husband bought her for Christmas.
“I put the bag on the table - he got it specially made - and one of the kids knocked a candle and the wax went sploosh, all over it,” the Press Association reported.
“And honestly, I nearly cried.”
I'm sorry. I need a moment to compose myself after such a harrowing tale of courage and pluck. Nearly cried, Victoria? Seriously, how do you exude style and grace even in the worst possible situations?! Had that been me the child would already be on his or her way to the glue factory. Ruin Momma's handbag, will you? Mr. Elmers might have something to say about that.
Furthermore, the former Posh Spice illustrated one of my least favorite female, logic-defying arguments of all time:
“What do you wear on the running machine? I can’t bring myself to wear flat shoes.”
Basically, this is the summation of insanity. Listen, before a legion of angry women descends upon me (which, by the way, is something I can rarely avoid), I know you're all convinced that high heels portray "sexy ankles". But let me say first, sexy ankles?! How does one make an ankle sexy? Slap a pair of breasts on there? I'm honestly confounded by this one. This is basically the same thing as saying your going to make an elbow sexy. Joints do not factor into sex appeal, unless they are double (positive), or filled with fluid (negative). Secondly, your ridiculous footwear almost always has only one definite result: you bitching to me all night that your feet hurt. Hmm... perhaps that has something to do with the ancient, Hindu torture device you've opted to strap to your foot.
When will women learn that a pair of nice kicks trumps stilleto heels any day of the week. And if you're target of desire insists on high heeled shoes, then maybe you should keep looking. If not, I hope you enjoy crushing his balls beneath your heel, or whatever other sexually-awkward practice he seems borderline-obsessive about. I can't abide foot fetishes. Personally speaking, I have a penis in vagina fetish. Call me crazy, but those things are just so... cozy.
Hmmmm.
