Two for the Price of One

Here's something that I missed completely. Not that it was really news... so I couldn't really "miss" it persay. More like I was still spending the majority of my time treating my overtaxed, and slightly smoldering, penis with aloe after the N-Port & Scar-Jo* press tour pictures started surfacing last week. Apparently, I was so consumed by my self-imposed, self-gratification injuries that I missed this one: Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson together. What are they together for? A 2nd-tier poptart reunion, perhaps? The better question is: who cares? Or better yet: why AREN'T they together... romantically?

By "romantically", I obviously mean "having torrid lesbian sex... on camera... for me". And by "for me", I mean constantly looking at the camera and addressing me by name, complaining how I'm not there with them. I'm sorry ladies, but these immolated kittens** aren't going to save themselves. Don't you remember why you two fell in love with me in the first place?! I mean, besides my hypnotically-rugged good looks and enormous genitalia. I have a calling, girls! Ever since I punched out Superman last month***, the world needs a hero****. Its a curse, I know. But with great power, comes... something, something, something. Shit. How did that second part go again? It was something about great sums of money right? Right? I'm pretty sure that was it. Fuck. Where's my money, planet Earth?! Don't make me send some italians over to your planet to sort this little "misunderstanding" out!

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah. I'm totally having sex with Mandy Moore and Jessica Simpson. FACE!

* - Written by K-Nad.

** - Yes, you read that right. Baby cats... on fire. You'd be shocked at how many thousands of kittens are set on fire daily. Only with your donations can we stem this sick new fad amongst teens through education, rehabilitation, and trial-less execution. Can you help? Can you help?

*** - Motherfucker was a Patriots fan.

**** - And so do I. TO THE DELI!!! ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! *cries softly to himself*

Source (HollywoodTuna)...