Splicers of the Caribbean

Variety is reporting that Gore Verbinski, probably best known for the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy, has been tapped as the director for the forthcoming adaptation of BioShock. As you should know, and by "should" I mean "are required by law", BioShock was an incredibly successful first-person shooter game that came out early last fall. The game illustrates the story of an underwater eutopia-gone-wrong (oh, those eutopia's... do they ever go right?), reverting to gene splicing and drug addiction, before drifting into an all-out block-by-block war between its crazed citizens and its tyranical dictator, Andrew Ryan. Unlike many other FPS games, BioShock prided itself on an immersive, almost movie-like feel, and shocked critics and fans alike with its well-written storyline.

Hence... this should be good. I think thats what I was trying to say. Or, at the very least, CambodianMonk's inherent love of everything Verbinski-esque, combined with his vast nerdiness, will cause this news to literally rupture his cerebellum. And yes, that is a word.

Source (TunaFlix)...

First Look: Gears of War 2

An interesting tech demo came out recently for the long-anticipated Gears of War 2. Hosted by the game's principal creator, this demo actually turns out to be a rough, yet mouth-watering, sample of a level from the game's campaign mode. Note the degree by which the scale of fire-fights has been increased, i.e. thousands of Locust soldiers, Brumaks jumping in and out of the fight, and a massive human caravan cutting a swath through the destruction as the improved chainsaw-melee attack is shown off to the delight of fanboys everywhere. November should be interesting indeed.

Grand Theft Auto IV

Grand Theft Auto IV was released this week, and has been universally acclaimed by genre critics across the board. Yours truly picked up a copy three days ago, and have yet to spent a single not-at-work moment doing anything else. Simply put, this game is...phenomenal.

What grabs your attention most, and right off the bat, is the attention to detail. As generic as this praise sounds, believe me: the little touches in this game are things you will be noticing for months and months to come. And all of it lends to a greater believability, which draws the player so deep into the experience that literally hours can fly by without one noticing. This game is not a reinvention of the Grand Theft Auto wheel, in fact I'd argue that it has decidingly less fringe gameplay content and complicated stat systems than its predecesor, GTA: San Andreas. But this is by no means a downgrade, as it feels alot more like they trimmed the unneccesary fat from the title, and instead beefed up everything that made the GTA series fun to begin with. I could try to continue doing this review, but honestly, I'm having trouble rounding it out with any form of negative comments I could think of. I'm not sure yet, but this game may be flawless.

Pro's
- Attention to Detail.
- Smooth Gameplay and Controls
- Everything from the previous installments has been improved in some way.
Con's
- Uh... maybe they could've added a Theater Mode... I guess....
- Will Destroy Your Current Relationship.
- You might accidentally starve yourself to death while on a week-long GTA bender.
Verdict : 10 out of 10.

The Best Video Games of All Time

Yes.... there has been quite the break in posting. Unemployment and alcoholism can do that to a guy. But, barring the usual self-indulgent excuses, I thought I'd throw up the most nerdy of lists... the opinion of one, humble, vagina-bereft, young man with far too much free time on his hands. And thus follows my own, Keinada-esque, opinion of the best Video Games thus far produced...






#1... Halo 3 (Xbox 360)
- Never to be taken lightely, Bungie execute the status quo, with years of development whilst a hundred billion nerds waited with bated breath for the final installment in the Halo saga... and, unlike with Halo 2, were not dissapointed in the least.


Halo 3 doesn't nessecarily introduce you to a brand new gameplay experience, instead it pushes the flint closer to the flame, as the inarguably best First Person Shooter of all time, Halo, is refined and perfected in a way even the most hardcore of fans couldn't have prayed for in their wildest dreams. An immensely engrossing story, backed by a surprisingly solid Single Player, completes the Halo Arc with a satisfying conclussion, while allowing a slim doorway for future installments.. a feat that any fiction writer will tell you is nigh-impossible to successfully pull off. That alone is noteworthy, but the continued improvement of a Multiplayer experience that is unrivaled in all other Video Game history settles the debate for any true gaming nerd that Halo is, in fact, the pinnacle of what Video Games have thus far achieved.


Infinitely addictive, and infuriating, Halo 3 is more Sport than it is Video Game. Add the incredibly intuitive extras of the Forge and Theater modes, and you get something that is more than just a Game. Halo 3 is the summit of Everest when it comes to modern entertainment. Any player who gas devoted more than a few moments of time to it already finds him or herself identifying with the human tank that is the Master Chief, Spartan-117 "John", and is pulled into an experience that can only be imitated, but never equaled. Halo 3... is simply "it".




#2... Resident Evil 4 (Gamecube, PS2, Wii)
- Capcom reinvented the Survival Horror genre, and revitalized the forgotten 3rd Person Shooter, with its jaw-dropping effort in R.E. 4. A franchise that had grown stale through its billion incarcnations, Resident Evil 4 revived the fan favorite character of Leon Kennedy, and secured him a soft place in all of our hearts, by setting him against a throughouly disturbing rural, Spanish province in this seminal work.



A completely revised combat system helped Resident Evil 4 distinguish itself from its already admirable forefathers, by bringing the the sheer fun on shooting zombies back into the game. Where once combat had been something to simply deal with between complicated, and sometimes ill-explained, puzzles, the Fourth installment made combat itself the most enjoyable part of the game. And, on top of that, suddenly the age-old Resident Evil problem of confusing, and walkthrough-begging, puzzles was solved simultaneously, with new challenges that ACTUALLY kinda made sense. Add to that a compelling story and a fair degree of unlockable content, the replay of this title is incomprable to any other purely single-player experience on the radar.


And, on top of that, its still very, fucking scary. Go figure. Although any Resident Evil fan will always appreciate the fact that, yet-again, uber-zombie, genetically altered, game-ending psychopaths seem only vulnerable to a red-painted rocket, aimed vaguely towards their 180 degrees of the screen. All hail Leon Scott Kennedy.





#3... Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight (PC)
- The oldest game on the list, Dark Forces II was as revolutionary as its forefather, which introduced the concept of JUMPING to the 1st person shooter, with the then-innovative tactic of making one's morality actually effect the ultimate outcome of the game's storyline. Beyond that landmark alone, Jedi Knight was the first, and still arguably best, game to give the player the abilites of the nerd-trademark Force within gameplay. If that wasn't enough in itself, it still managed to bring the most famous non-ranged weapon of all time, the Lightsaber, to the gamers hands, and balanced it well enough (if simplistically) to make it the bane of any run-and-gun gamer for the rest of time.


Add to all of these innovations the fact that Jedi Knight offered the first live-aciton Star Wars sequences seen since "Return of the Jedi" in the then-still pre-Phantom Menace days, and you have a literal geek orgasm in the form of a Video Game. To so many gamers, Kyle Katarn almost overshadowed Luke Skywalker on their first day of gameplay. A complelling storyline, which still stands as the best non-movie tale, this game roped you in and never let go until the final cutscene rolled.











#4... Gears of War (Xbos 360)

- Anyone's complaint of how short Gears' single-player campaign is, is merely evidence of how much that person just wanted some more. The only game that advertised itself as a "Halo-killer", and yet couldn't be laughed at for that boast, is enough to make Gears noteworthy. But, even if alot of its noticably influenced by the under-the-radar "Killswitch", Gears is a completely different take on the shooter genre. Granted, its 3rd-person, but its tactical use of cover and careful, strategic tactics have invented and entirely new brand of shooter-gaming: the "Tact-shooter".

Its single-player is enrapturing. The only complaint anyone had ever had is that they simply.... want.. MORE! The fact that its PC incarnation sold platnum largely due to one extra mission packaged with it is enough to prove that point. But beyond that, Gears provides a Multiplayer experience unlike any other game out there. Single-handedly, we may one day look back at the console wars, and mark Gears as the moment that Microsoft stabbed Sony in the heart.

God knows what is going on with the much-anticipated sequel, but should Gears of War stand alone for all time, all of us will still have to at least pause a moment when someone askes us who would win in a fight: Marcus Fenix or Master Chief. Granted, the answer is the Chief.. but the fact that we have to pause to think about it for a moment is enough to show you how much respect the Gears have earned.




#5... God of War II (PS2)
- Released in an age where the PS3 and 360 were already doing battle, God of War 2 managed to top any sales record by either system... and on a last-generation system no less! Despite what creator, Dave Jaffe, could ever claim, God of War continued its tradition of taking the new, button-masher genre pioneered by Devil May Cry, and put it to shame, with a gameplay experience arguable unrivaled elsewhere. Kratos, Kratos, Kratos, how can I count the ways I love thee? This game is the unadulterated definition of "bad-assery".

Building on the exact foundation of its forebearer, God of War 2 is the only game ever to feel like you're literally playing the second installment of a trilogy. Its story and cutscenes are engrossing, and play to the fans of the series at every level. Its puzzles are challenging, and delightfully offest the freneic combat inbetween. This game is like Greek mythology on PCP, even including the ever-popular group-sex mini games of its parent. And all the while you cannot help but take it completely seriously, as the pacing of the storyline is melodramtic, yet-never alienating.

A masterpiece of art, as well as gaming, God of War 2 trumps its predescesor, if that was even possible. Kratos has become a legend in his own right. And any doubers need merely watch is Blades of Athena bisect a few foes to find themselves agreeing that here they have found something uniquely magical.

#'s 6 through 10 will shortly follow, barring unforeseen, and albiet much-sought for real-life intrusions.

Wrath of the Lich King

"The Lich King broods after being served by the Lord of the Nazgul's lawyer for copyright infringement."

....

This isn't breaking news anymore, almost a month old as a matter of fact, but if you'll permit me, lets talk about nerd cancer for a moment, or as its better known: World of Warcraft. At BlizzCon, held in South Korea in early August, Blizzard announced they will shortly be releasing the second expansion pack to the most successful video game of all time, following in the massive success of the first expansion, The Burning Crusade, released earlier this year. Wrath of the Lich King, picks up where Crusade left off, and before we get into the copious "make-fun-of-WoW-nerds" section of this entry, lets just run off the new additions to the game first:
- Level cap raised to 80.
- New continent: Northrend; Ten New Zones.
- Introduction of the first Hero Class: Death Knight.
- Several new Instances, most notably Icecrown Glacier with....
- .... new endgame boss: The Lich King, formerly Ner'zhul and Prince Arthas.
- New Profession: Inscription (essentially Enchanting for spells instead of weapons)
- Expanded Old Game Content.
....
Fucking Warcraft. This game has ended more prospective lives than ethinic cleansing could ever dream of. Only now, instead of finding a potential Einstein at the bottom of a mass grave, covered in lye, you'll find him in the form of a dry and flaky residue on countless computer keyboards. Hey, I've got an idea for you Mr. Night Elf Druid, oh I'm sorry... I mean "PwnMastr69420": in the time it took you to increase your Strength from 61 to 110, you could've lifted enough weights to increase your ACTUAL STRENGTH enough to left a small V.W....... OR, you coulda talked to a girl. Just throwing it out there, man.
....
So what is the product of this annoying combination of addictive gameplay with infuriating long requirements? Let me explain it in terms a WoW nerd would understand. A new class of human being has been produced. The Uber-Nerds have consolidated their position alongside the Koreans and the Socially-Crippled, and with an army of 9 million, have single-handedly put the future of human reproduction in doubt. All across the world, pale and frightened geeks bask in the alien blue glow of their computer monitors, auctioning Witchfury swords and grinding Yeti's in the Alterac Mountains. And all the while, the men's sperm count drops from inaction, and the women's eggs spoil as they realize that their owner has forsaken the ways of the Female. Eventually, a barren landscape, where no one speaks to friends in person or ever has sex with anything living, will appear. And when the aliens finally arrive, all they find that is left of us is a single, fat kid with a lisp, wandering the abandoned Earth, looking for a raid party that will never come.
....
No great loss.

Icion - Lvl. 60 Blood Elf Paladin - Mannoroth Server
Shanyuu - Lvl. 20 Orc Warlock - Mannoroth Server
Aserephyia - Lvl. 28 Night Elf Druid - Deathwing Server
Serucam - Lvl. 35 Draenei Warrior - Deathwing Server

Full Story (Wikipedia)...

"Mr.Bubbles! Please Get Up!"

For those who own a Playstation 3, keep walking. You heard me. I said, fuck off!
....
Ok, are they gone? Good. Everyone remaining should be a 360 owner, or at least prepared to purchase one. Why? Because the first must-own game of 2007 for the 360 came out on Tuesday. And 'lo, its name was BioShock.
....

PROS
- Lighting and texture effects (especially water) are flawless. -
- Surround Sound is the best in all of Video Game Entertainment thus far.-
- Compelling gameplay, with extensive replay value. -
CONS
- Some minor sound glitches, like "ghost bullets" ricocheting around inexplicably.-
- Gears of War has forever made every other FPS wanting for a tactical cover system.-
- No Multiplayer.-
OVERALL RATING: 9.2 out of 10.0

The Most Premature Casting Speculation... EVER!

Scouring the internet for time-burning news I came across this little list of potential actresses for the part of "Nariko", the heroine from the upcoming video game Heavenly Sword. Never you mind that the game hasn't been released yet, and therefore there is no basis for believing it is going to successful enough to denote a film adapatation. And, despite how it reads, I'm actually sincere about that point. Speculation, after all, is the mother of all time-burning. However, as good as Heavenly Sword looks, lets be honest with ourselves here, children. If they are going to make a film adaptation of this genre of video games, why not skip the derivative and go right to the source: Devil May Cry. Although, come to think of it, video game movies almost invariably suck, and I happen to have a special, lonely place in my heart (read: balls) for DMC, so... uh... yeah, go ahead and make that Heavenly Sword movie instead.

.....

And while you're at it, why not cast all of the actresses in the aforementioned speculation, and make up the loss in the budget you took for their enormous salaries by completely removing wardrobe from the film en masse. And substitute the supernatural swordfighting for supernatural lesbianism.

....

And after the first ten minutes of that, just randomly switch it over to SportsCenter for the rest of the film. I already accomplished what I came here to do.

....

Other Casting Suggestions (with damn-fine visual presentation) include:

Left to Right: Ali Larter, Keira Knightley, Lucy Liu, and Jessica Alba

Full Story/Site (DoubleViking)...

Hot Women Who Pretend to Be Nerds

Ok, this isn't even close to news, but I just want to let it be known: if incredibly hot girls pretending to be nerdy is the new trend then I take back anything I ever said about "being yourself". You hear me, women of Earth?! I don't care if its not genuine, because if you will humor me enough to act impressed by my thorough pwnage in an original Halo CTF match, I will promise not to lose my erection when you inevitably ask me if I could renew my gym membership mid-coitus.

Besides, my penis is formatted for 1080p HD.

They Only Live to Eat

Rounding out E3 tidbits.....

Capcom released a new(-ish) trailer for the much anticipated Resident Evil 5 during the Xbox official press conference broadcast live on G4tv the other night, and though it doesn't look to contain much of what I would consider actual gameplay footage (if any at all), it still is pretty badass.

For those of you who have been living under a rock*, Resident Evil 4 was one of the best video games ever made, and completely reinvigorated a series that (possibly for the first time ever) didn't even really need to be reinvigorated. And yet it was, and there was much rejoicing.

Except for this guy of course.

*- "Living under a rock" = "Sleeping with a Woman". Its science.

Again, everything you need is at GameTrailers.com

"Hey! Stop shooting me! I was doing something!"

Still catching up on all the E3 chocolately goodness. Of course, nothing is more worth talking about than the third installment of the game that effectively annihilated my social life all those years ago. While you were losing your innocence and kissing Winnie Cooper, real men like me were drowning beneath waves of Covenant invaders and attempted insults being thrown between fat and lonely friends from behind mouthfuls of half-chewed Taco Bell.

Thus, its worth mentioning both the Live-Action, Peter Jackson-produced (?), trailer as well as the new gameplay sampling we suddenly grew privy to over the last few days. Carriable Gattling Guns. Co-op Spartan missions. And of course, the omnipresent golden faceplate of death known as the "Chief".

Prepare thyself for many whiny complaints.

Everything you need to see is available at GameTrailers.com

My Ulec Quel-Droma can beat up your Exar Kun!

In another issue of two-days-late-news, Lucasarts released the first trailer for Star Wars: The Force Unleashed" at E3 this week. Basically, from what I and my Teddy Rumpskin dressed as an Ewok doll can decipher, herein lies the first Star Wars button-masher. And we say this (well, at least I do. Good ol' Teddy/Wicket usually just responds to my questions with some bullshit about wanting to read me the Three Little Pigs via a 1987 cassette tape......that cold, uncaring bastard) with the upmost glee in our loins.

Despite whatever criticism one could launch on the genre as to how much skill these games require to play*, let me say two things:
1) Devil May Cry
2) God of War

And now, turn Dante/Kratos into a Jedi Knight.......

....whoops, I hope that doesn't stain.......

* - Devil May Cry 3 is harder to beat than a rhesus-monkey on angel dust......who's just been laid off from his job at the plant......and is an Oakland Raiders fan....