Programming Note

In case you were wondering, no... I haven't forgotten about Britney Spears. Literally, could you? Even if you wanted to (and I so desperately do)? Whilst I troll other blogs and sites looking for something fantastically interesting that it needs to be reposted here, or something that gives the mildest excuse for plastering breasts all over the page, I have to sift through ten Britney stories just to find one that has nothing to do with her. In response, I've actually chosen to no longer believe any of these "new developments" in the continual cycle of Spears' perpetual breakdown/recovery. It just gets to a point where you're getting slammed with ridiculous stories, one trumping the other every hour on the hour, that your cynic reflex should effectively cut off your ability to care.

Example: in the last week, I've heard the following stories...

1) Britney Spears aborted her child with Justin Timberlake when she 20.

2) Britney Spears was either molested and/or raped by a family friend when she was a child.

3) Britney Spears kept a loaded gun under her pillow while she slept in the same bed as her children, highly intoxicated at the time.

4) Britney Spears mixed grain alcohol into her youngest son's bottle to help him fall asleep so she could have sex with her then-manager, Sam Lufti.

5) Britney Spears is married again.

6) Britney Spears is pregnant again.

And many, many, MANY more. Hence, until something happens that I find entertaining, or (less likely) relevant, I'm taking a break from the Britney Spears saga. All I'll say is this: I called all of this in 1998. Told ya so. Bitches.

The Zero-Point Module of Celebrity Gossip

Now, I don't usually like to post on a story that I know will turn out to be false. However, considering that when I started writing this sentence the only place this story was being posted was at Celebitchy.com, a frequent source for this site, and by the time I put the final punctuation in a report on Fox News is already blaring over the airwaves backing up this claim. So, without any further ado, the most patently untrue celebrity rumor of the season goes to:
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Britney Spears has allegedly been implicated in putting a contract on Kevin Federline's life.

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I know. I know. This can't be true. It would be too good. Like the waking up Christmas morning and finding Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley engaged in graphic, tantric lesbian sex beneath the tree kind-of good. However, just assuming this Hydrogen bomb of celebrity gossip is true, let me just say this: Ha!. Hahahahahaha. ... ... Hahaahahahaahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. To be honest, I was kinda rooting for Federline for the last few months (as I can appreciate anyone who can star in a timely, self-parody commercial), and this would permanently cement his legacy as being 180 degrees reversed from deadbeat husband to psychotic-marriage survivor. AND, maybe it will finally make America understand that the most offensive thing related to Spears is our nation's misguided need to "save" her. .... Because we can't commit to a viable endangered species protection program... but we can devote countless hours and dollars to trying to save a deep-south white trash, uneducated, untalented, overweight sex/drug addict from herself. The only solution: America takes a contract out on Britney Spears. C'mon, people. I'm starting a petition. We'll all just pitch in and go to Costco, buy 2 metric tons of bacon, and just drop it off in her driveway. I'd give it no more than 3 hours before the coroner is called in.

Full Story (Celebitchy)...

Oops, I Neglected My Kids

Before I go any further, let me just point out how hard it is to find a good picture of Britney Spears these days. At this rate, if I have to go any further back in time to find her at a point in her life where she was attractive, I'm gonna be posting pictures of her as a zygote.

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Anyways, Spears was at Los Angeles County Superior Court on Monday for a hearing in a new investigation of allegations of child abuse leveled against the singer, not implicitly but fairly obviously, by ex-husband, Kevin Federline. These charges are reportedly not physical in nature, and stem principally from accusations of neglect in dietary and parenting concerns. Or, for the less legal-ese inclined: "K-Fed totally told his lawyer, who told the District Attorney, who told the Judge, who told Britney's agent, who told Britney's personal assitant, who told Britney that she feeds her babies pizza and soda instead of Gerber formula." Oh, and that she kissed Dave Johnson after the Fall Ball Dance at Stukies Pizza Parlor.

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Seriously, though, is anyone surprised? At all? In fact, I've really got nothing else in the way of Britney-Neglects-Her-Kids jokes. The girl is a vacuous whore, and kinda always has been. Although, this is a perfect argument for my "Childbearing Liscense Program", whereby people must pass a rigorous finanical, criminal and psychological background check before they are allowed to procreate. Britney's application would've been tossed once the clerk noticed she filled out "Kween of Sexi" under "Title" instead of "Ms.".... or that she wrote "Reelly Rich" under "Income Level"..... or that she filled the whole thing out in crayon.... or that the whole thing is covered in barbeque sauce and vodka stains.

Full Story (TheBlemish)...

Spears gets her (Mind) Freak on.

The queen of class, the dignity diva, Britney Spears has another notch of distinction to add to her belt. Apparently Spears and Criss Angel of the incredibly boring, yet some how highly rated show "MindFreak" were seen heading into a Beverly Hills Hotel hand in hand in the wee hours of the morning. I'm not sure what's more bothersome. Criss Angel's love for jewelery that I would have bought at a flea market in 1994 to match my Soundgarden shirt and chain wallet. Or. The fact that Britney Spears is still walking around with a bad wig on displaying a fearsome and formidable fore head, the likes of which even James Carville would be shamed by.

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So. Britney has gone from white rappers and mannies to post-op, sorcerer trannies. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Criss Angel used to be a woman....or emo. Although, his odd look, knack for boring parlor tricks and affinity for trashy, used up, insecure women could also be partly because he's from Long Island. Maybe the MindFreak can perform some magic on her vagina and make it look less like an Arby's Roast Beef sandwich.


-SlapChicken-

Juicy

Britney: "Remember when I used to be hot...... Yeah, me neither."

Well, I've abstained from jumping in on the Britney Spears has lost her damn mind news thus far (the Lindsay-Lohan-has-lost-her-damn-mind was thought-cancerous enough) but I guess this tidbit is as good as any for jumping now. Apparently, Ms. Spears is now convinced that her mother, Lynne (or is it 'Lynn'?... or do I care?), slept with her ex-husband, Kevin "Whoever-thought-I'd-get-out-of-this-looking-better?". Federline, out of spite to her own daughter. While, I refuse to believe that this is true (but I'll admit, there's a huge part of me that hopes it is) I will say that this is absolutely succulent as far as celebrity meltdowns go. Soon enough, she'll be out there claiming that she just realized that her true father is the CocaCola Xmas Polar Bear. And then she'll claim that he is sleeping with Federline out of spite, too. Of course, this will only be released to the press after the country demands explanation for why Spears jumped in the tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium and started eating raw halibut whilst screaming "Who's the Alpha Bear now, Dad?!" over and over again.

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More at the imcomprable Blemish...