Natalie Portman is in "Thor"...ummm, ok.

News broke yesterday that Natalie Portman will be playing the love interest in the upcoming Thor movie adaptation, thereby fulfilling her contractual obligation to nerds everywhere requiring her to appear in at least one sci-fiction and/or fantasy genre movie every three years. Sometimes I wonder what its like to be her agent.... "Alright Natalie, in the next few months we have three period-piece dramas, seven indie/slightly-hipsteresque "comedies"*, a Discovery channel special.... oh, and The Matrix 7: Revenge of the College Psychology Syllabus".

This girl is going to be forced into attending Comic-Cons for the rest of her natural life. And I appreciate that. But Thor? Really? I'm sure I'll be subjected to various nerdrage for this, but lets be honest: Thor sucks. Couple this with the news that Ryan Reynolds will be playing Hal Jordan's Green Lantern, and this looks like a depressing year for comic book movies. That being said, the fact that Natalie is in this movie is probably enough to make me go see it anyways, so good on you marketing executives. Even though the role of "love interest" in one of these things is usually confined to shooting the main character confused "what-are-you-hiding-from-me" looks for the 1st 3/4's of the flick, and then getting kidnapped and rescued just before credits roll.

A Radiohead Moment

Football is still 18 days away, so I thought we'd slug through the last few Sundays till I get completely consumed with some non-Football related entertainment. Today, lets start it off with a video of Radiohead's live performance of "2+2=5". Followed by the most adorable clip ever:

Well... maybe second most:

"I'm Prettier Than You"

Natalie Portman continues her blitzkreig upon multimedia with another photoshoot today, this time for Marie Claire.

I gotta be honest with you. I've got nothing this morning. But she sure is purdy, ain't she? Seriously, this girl is ridiculous enough that I'm fairly certain I could use her as an example to beat Hitler in his anti-semitic argument. But I'd do it with class. You know, just lay back in the cut, and let him go all red-faced with his huge oration, burn a few books and get himself a nice round of circular logic going. And then, I'd simply stand and hold up this picture, without uttering a word.

Of course, after ol' Adolf was left to stammer for a moment or two, I'd want to ease his sense of awkwardness... by charging the stage with Captain America and Hulk Hogan, delivering obnoxiously-nicknamed, vaguely patriotic wrestling moves to all in attendance (i.e.: "The Bald Eagle Bludgeoner", or "The Rockets Ric Flair"). Naturally, I'd expect Ms. Portman to reward my valiant deed with a marriage proposal.

What? ...Really? ...How was I supposed to know she'd find that offensive? ...Well, how about a quick peck of the cheek?

...a friendly handshake?

...how's about just rescinding that restraining order?

The Good Word

Just a month after swearing off nude scenes forever more, Natalie Portman recently conceded that, upon futher review, she had no problem with her oft-downloaded nakedness in Wes Anderson's short, Hotel Chevalier. Futhermore, Portman claimed that she is still very open to appearing nude on film, provided the script warrant it.

Can you hear that? The sound of a child's laughter in the distance? Well, that has nothing to do with this. But my hysterical tears of joy... they might. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wrap up my screenplay: Anal Fist, A Tale of Young Love. Its a period piece. By which, of course, I mean several actresses will be menstruating throughout the film. Sexy. Wait. What the fuck am I talking about?

Source (IDLYITW)...

Lack of Testosterone

Since my gay-homo of a blogging partner fails to realize that there are men out there who prefer an actual picture of a woman, I have to "double-post" Scarlett Johansson. Don't get me wrong, Natalie (ha, she wants me to call her by her first name, take that Keinada) is a lovely specimen. But her boyish figure is run of the mill. I have bigger breasts than she does, however, mine are indeed made out of Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes. I apologize for the sure to be series of sighs from my blogging counterpart, but you must appeal to the masses and not just your own taste. Now if you will excuse me I must go exfoliate my gorgeous face and have some pigs in a blanket. Afterwards I will "watch an excercise video" and vomit said pigs.

-Cambodian Monk-

Update by Keinada: Your logic is as flawed as your ability to properly format a post. We shall settle this dispute like men (fat, lonely, heavily-breathing men)... and hurl accusations at each other's sexuality until a winner is crowned, and a loser must have a very awkward conversation with his parents! And now, the game is afoot! (Oh, and I believe the posting of that third picture of Scarlett marks the 100th time it has appeared on this blog! Your prize? That picture is prize enough, you greedy prick.)

Everybody Wins

I don't know about you, but I could really get used to this whole Natalie Portman-Scarlett Johansson press tour duo thing. So much so that I'm going to make a motion to the Screen Actor's Guild that these two actresses are now obligated to only be movies wherein the other is already cast. This is like the Dream Team of celebrity worship. I mean, I'm sure Scarlett isn't used to being the "second hottest" girl in the room, but I'm sure we can resolve that debate with a healthy round of shy flirting leading to a few Smirnoff Ices and some good ol' fashion sorority-style "exploration".

Seriously. That pillow fight could end war in our lifetime. Just put it on a loop, construct ten-story tall jumbotrons in every major city, and watch strife and bloodshed grind to a halt forever. Along with the world economy. But hey, if you want a lesbian omelete, you gotta break some socio-political eggs*.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

* - My Dad's closing line for any wedding toast.

My Penis Just Exploded

I'd love to put something up here to comment on the above pic... but its really hard to type with one hand... screaming "DAMN!" every two or three seconds. Seriously, has it gotten to the point where my Id is actually manufacturing reality now? If so, why does McDonald's not accept my claim to have "manifested" their McSkillet burrito, thereby not having to actually pay for it. That's right, I just equated Portman-Johannson lesbianism to a delicious breakfast treat. Now if only I could combine the two... mmmm... that sex would be chipotle-flavored!

Source (TheBlemish)...

Hating Historical Hotness

Fuck you, Eric Bana. Why don't you go throw some tanks with Ang Lee or something? Instead, you've gotten the opportunity to lay your grubby hands upon two of the hottest women on this planet, in this or any generation. I know you were pretty badass in Munich, but avenging Israeli Olympians is no justification for this. Yes, dear children, my petty jealousy knows no bounds, and today those boundless horizons are compelling me to drug Eric Bana and then skin his Portman and Johansson-touching hands so that I might graft said skin to my penis. Doubt me not. This all makes perfect sense to me, and is the only rational recourse.
.....
Of course, I suppose I could forgoe the violence and just ask Mr. Bana politely for a handjob. Then again, I'm sure he has a busy schedule. But maybe if I promised to wrap it up quickly, and gave him the old puppy dog eyes, we might be able to reach (around?) a compromise. Wait. How did this story about Natalie and Scarlett become a homoerotic cry for help to Eric Bana? Sometimes, I think I'd be better of by just spending the next few hours slowly digging out a hole in the middle of my forehead with a Swiss Army knife. And when the random passerby should ask me what I'm doing, I can simply reply: "Brain Whittlin', my friend. Brain Whittlin'."
......
Exhibits A and B in The People vs. Eric Bana....

... ...

Somewhere, Angels are Singing

Well, Hotel Chevalier, the 13-minute short that is meant to precede The Darjeeling Limited, hit the internet this morning with Natalie Portman's magnificent ass on full display, as well as her nude.... flank? Honestly, what would you describe a girl in profile, conveniently obscuring her breast with her arm, yet displaying the most spectacular profiled-outline of a woman that you ever seen? Alright, I can tell I'm losing some of you already. But watch the clip, and then tell me otherwise. And then I'll inform you, in return, of your latent, and now full-blown, homosexuality. Which is cool, man. Hey, you can't change who you are. But maybe you should stop living a double life, and this Thanksgiving sit your parents down for a nice long chat. And when your father claims he doesn't believe it, saying that you're just confused, you too can show him this video. When he hears your reaction, all of his doubts will be assuaged. From there on out, its easy street. A penis filled easy street.
.....

Furthermore: oh for the day when Ms. Portman will make the jump from extremely sexy, yet cock-teasing nude scenes (see: Closer, Goya's Ghost, etc.) and just start walking around every film naked as the day she was born. And I don't mean just her movies, I mean EVERY movie. "Riggs! I'm too old for this shit!" "Shut the fuck up, Rog, did you see that nude pixie that just walked by?!" *Danny Glover rolls head on swivel, and then blows Mel Gibson's brains out* "I've been waiting five movies to do that..... *muttering to himself* ... play second fiddle to a Evangelical Australian, my black asshole! I killed the Predator for christ's sake...

Click Here to get it free from Rapidshare...

...Or, download it for free over on iTunes....

Re-Portmanize

"Oh, I'm going to soooo pwn Anakin after I finish this Jedi training... Choke me, will you? You whiny little bitch."

Natalie Portman, who has been quite overlooked on this site recently and as such has been sent my left pinky toe via express mail as my chosen form of apology, is starting to slowly re-appear around the blogosphere in the past week or so. After rumors broke earlier about her supposed nude scene in Wes Anderson's short film, Hotel Chevalier, she has also been spotted with a new boyfriend at the U.S. Open the other day, and will shortly begin to promote her upcoming children's movie, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, alongside Dustin Hoffman. AND, in evidence of just how much people crave Portman-related news, the following pictures have popped up of Natalie walking around her neighborhood in Manhattan looking uber-pissed. Sure, you could venture the guess that she is just irritated by the paparazzi taking said pictures, but then you'd only be showing your own ignorance of the fact that Natalie Portman is just straight-up gangsta. That girl is 90 lbs. of blood-soaked, kilo-moving, heater-tote-ing, life-sentence super thuggery. She can never love you, she can only love the game.

Source (Egotastic!)....

Tease Me Not, Wes Anderson!

Natalie Portman, best known for haunting my dreams, is rumored to finally appear nude in the upcoming Wes Anderson short film, Hotel Chevalier. However, I have no idea how this rumor is substantiated, and thus must sort it under "Unlikely" in my hopes and aspirations filing cabinet. After similar rumors for Closer and Goya's Ghost, expect her upcoming project, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, to open with claims that Natalie playfully masturbates with children's toys for half of the movie.

....

Do people need to hurt me like this? Do they wake in the morning and turn to themselves saying "You know who deserves some limitless frustration.... that kid with the HUUUUUUGE penis!" Honestly, what other reason can they have to hate me so other than pure jealousy. Listen, if you've possessed an internet connection in the last ten years, and have been remotely interested in Natalie Portman, then you HAVE seen her topless before. But unlike other actresses where once you've seen the goods, you feel as if the mystery is solved, with Natalie all you feel is the bitter emptiness until you see it again. And again. And again. And again. And when the local church kicks you out of its computer lab for making said pictures the background on every one of the children's section desktops, you can tell them that its the fault of whoever teased you with more Portman nudity. After all, the aforementioned is just the natural cause-and-effect. Kinda like the sun warming the Earth. Or drugs bringing success and happiness to your life. Its inevitable.... Neo.

Source (Popoholic)...

Random Portman of the Moment

"No, no, no. We need to WARM his frozen heart with a COOL island song."
"I thought we were going to COOL his fiery temper with a HOT island song."
"What are we doing again?"

Random Portman of the Moment

"You see how we livin'?! Congo River, West Bank YA HEEEAAAARD!!" - Grand Master Cuddles
....

Editor's Note: Upon second reading, one might infer that I was saying "Congo River"for the monkey, and "West Bank" in some kind of obscure reference to Israel and therefore Ms. Portman's (not her real name) jewish background. In fact, I intended the statement to read as meaning the WEST BANK of the Congo River. Nonetheless, the fact that a few emails have implied that I'm alot funnier (and/or) more offensive than I am seemed to warrant an explanation. Furthermore, I apologize in advance for this joke seeming to imply that Ms. Portman (not her real name) is a groupie to Grand Master Cuddles. I acknowledge there is nothing funny about this, and the sad fact of the matter is that Popa Cuds is so "straight-up gangsta" that no woman can refute his charms and ne'er do well attitude. All we can do is wait until them "jack busters" he always seems so concerned with finally come after his "banana's". Oh, why do you have to live so hard, Cuds? What woman can tame your wild soul?
.....
Your welcome.

Random Portman of the Moment

The Easter Portman.

Grumpy is a Slow Mutant

According to a Hong Kong newspaper, Natalie Portman is currently in talks to play Snow White, opposite Jet Li (?!), in a new re-imagining of the classic fairy tale. And by "re-imagining", I mean decidedly anime-esque. Apparently, the story will take place thousands of years after the events of the original Snow White, and now has alot to do with reincarnation, Shaolin Temples, and again.... Jet Li (?!?!).
.....
Now, I've got to agree with IWatchStuff on this one. All of this sounds just a little too crazy to be true. Not the interesting kind of crazy either. More like the Todd McFarlane action figure kind of crazy. I mean, its cool at first to see the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz as a horrific, mechanical abomination. But after a month or so collecting dust on the shelf, all it brings you is the security of mind that no female will ever set foot in your place again. Well, that and the fact that you smear your own feces on the wall daily. But hey, you find me a better way to keep bears away from your living room, then I'm aaaaaaaaalllllllllll ears.
......
Full Story (IWatchStuff)....

Random Portman of the Moment

I'd let this girl eat my children. If she wanted to. And if I had children.

Random Portman of the Moment

Its like a pretentious hipsters wet dream. Scantily-clad Natalie ontop of a pile of books. Of course, if it were a real pretentious hipster, all of these books would remain unread....or at the most have copies of Spin inside.

Random Portman of the Moment

Sweet Jesus on a Delicious Butter Cracker!

Listen, all I'm saying is how jaw-droppingly sexy is that guy in the background. Another happy client of the crystal meth diet. Ride the Snake!

Random Portman of the Moment

Yeah. So.....she's pretty.
....
Yep.