Yo, man. I'm getting the shakes. I need to taste the rainbow!

An eighth-grade Honors student in New Haven, CT has been suspended from school, stripped of his class Vice President title and barred from attending the Honors program dinner for purchasing Skittles from another classmate on school grounds. This was a violation of Connecticut's school wellness policy dating back to 2003.

Well, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Connecticut is a brutal, fascist, third-world country dressed up like a WASP-y, tasteless, cultural black hole of a state. This is literally the place where fun goes to die. "Sure, I can afford a thirty-two acre farm in upstate New York... but, you know, I've always wanted a half-acre right next to a hundred-thousand other assholes without personality... that way we can complain about the 'minorities' and the estate tax at our ritalin-devouring children's soccer games!" These are the same people that try to convince you of their rich culture by forcing you to go to a Boy Scout revolutionary-era presentation on how to make apple cider, or something similarly irrelevant and boring... at 9am on a Sunday fucking morning. So, in closing, fuck Connecticut and everyone who lives there. Your only purpose is to provide a nearby place to buy Powerball tickets.

And kid, next time just buy drugs from your classmate. It'll give you something to do during the suspension... and all the other kids will think you're cooooool. Plus, there's the added bonus of probably ruining your chances at getting into an Ivy League school, and therefore shattering your soul-dead parents' dreams in the process. Two birds, son. Two birds.

Source (CNN.com)...

Kids are Dumb.

A 10-year-old boy is in critical condition in Washington state after being buried up to his chest, head first, in sand by his playmates today. Apparently, the kid in question suggested the internment himself in a mimic of a popular cartoon show these kids watch. When questioned, the boy's 30-year-old half-brother said: "They watch a cartoon where they were like sand masters or something and they can manipulate sand or something like that. They came up with the idea that if he were to do this then he would be able to be one of them".

First, what have childrens' cartoons come to today when their superheroes' are "sand masters". "I can iritate your eyes... badly!", proclaimed the virtuous hero, "And then I will make some fine glass vases for your mother's birthday!". In my day, we entrusted our safety to antropamorphic, martial arts reptiles or at the very least schizophrenic homosexuals with like-minded jungle cats.

Source (CNN.com)...

Icing on the Turd

The lesser Spears, though still admirably trashy, Jamie-Lynn recently attained her Good Enough Diploma, and is reportedly planning to attend college in the near-future. Of course, the whole "giving birth"-thing might interfere with her plans... or, you know, the "responsible for another human life"-thing afterwards could cut into her study time. Then again, I'm sure Jamie-Lynn has already gotten this whole thing planned out. After all, its not like she would make a career-ending mistak--- oh wait.

Ok, condescending sarcasm aside, I can't wait for the news of little Jamie-Lynn bringing her newborn baby to a Sigma Alpha Epsilon kegger next fall. "Isn't he just precious?! Look at how well he holds Momma's beer for herwhile she upstairs with the entire TEK house! Thats a good boy, such a good boy!" The only part of that previous statement that could POSSIBLY turn out to be false would be the yet-to-be-revealed gender of the child.

God bless the Spears family, although I do believe they are officially praying to Ryan Seacrest and Perez Hilton now instead. I imagine their family crest from the old country to probably depict some manner of barmaid being violated sexually by some manner of farm animal... with the motto "Semper Devoro"* enscribed below.

* - Look it up. I bothered to. Lazy pricks.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Perfect Gifts for your Stupid Kid.

Two new products for kids today, both brought to you by the fine folks at Geekologie. First, a company is releasing a Crayola crayon scented perfume, which will totally off-set that soiled underwear and baby powder smell little Bobby always brings to kindergarten with him.... and will also tooooootally get him laid..... should he know what that is. Secondly, scientists have perfected a method to colorize soap bubbles for children's entertainment, and it only took then TEN YEARS. Of course, my original patent application for a similar product was declined in 1996. Apparently, "magic" is not an F.D.A. approved ingredient.

....

So now you're stupid kids can have more shit that they will never appreciate. Just set it next to the $4,000 entertainment system you put up in their "Play Room". Again, when I put a "Play Room" in my house, the D.E.A. chased me across seven states. Apparently, trafficing heroin is not a "children's activity".

Crayon Perfume (Geekologie)...

Clubbin' Bubbles (Geekologie)...