It Must Be Summer (Anna Kournikova)

Didn't Anna Kournikova used to play tennis? I'm fairly certain she was a mediocre professional tennis player at one point. That is before she gave it all up for the dazzling career of appearing in ONE Enrique Iglesias video, where you were "romanced" in a women's bathroom in the way only beauty-marked latinos can. Regardless, I can't fault her for her only current discernible talent: facemelting Russian piece of ass-ery. So here's Anna Kournikova, approximatley two years away from appearing in BangBros videos, and six years from going through the change Russian women know as "hag-ifying", going from the appearance of an 18 year old to a 64 year old in the timespan of about 16 minutes on the night of your 28th birthday.

It Must Be Summer (Alyson Hannigan)

Alyson Hannigan was spotted on the beach recently with husband, and fellow Buffy/Angel alum, Alexis Denisof. Now, I'm sure there's plenty of you out there that wonder why I'd be so infatuated with this girl. And those people would be what medical science would call: "totally fucking retarded". Seriously, there's just something about her that is transfixing. I'm sure the Joss Whedon-credits don't hurt, either. In either case, here's a few shots of my personal favorite redhead out in the ol' two piece, plus a few to remind you a hotness past. I'm like Charles Dickens, bitch. Ass, ass, titties, titties.

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Photoshoots...

Aforementioned Bikini Candids..

It Must Be Summer (Eva Longoria)

Eva Longoria, otherwise known as Muy Caliente de Bano*, is doing what she does best today: showing off her fantastic latina ass down by the shore. As an experiment some time, try searching for on Google Images, and count how many bikini pictures pop up. I stopped counting at elevendy thousand.

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*Sigh*. This girl isn't even hot; she is spicy. And I don't mean in that generic "what-a-saucy-lass" kinda way. I mean in that two Guaco Loco's deep into a three hour long Dos Equis' binge after the Puerto Rican parade way. Ah, memories of that lazy afternoon spent under the parade ground bleachers... and those sweet moments Eva and I spent together. Sure, "Eva" happened to be named "Hector", but after all that peyote he gave me, what you see to the left was what I got. Plus the added bonus of a mustache and a mean case of eczema. *dances around to inexplicable horn and electric piano*

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

It Must Be Summer (Gwen Stefani)

Gwen Stefani is in Hawaii, apparently along with the rest of Hollywood this week, and took the opportunity to tantalize locals with a view of her scantily-clad body. Although, come to think of it, didn't this girl use to wear outfits like this almost 365 days a year back in her No Doubt days? So really, we shouldn't be so much celebrating her hotness in the present, as lamenting the loss of those sweet, innocent days of youth. Days when a hamburger cost 2 cents, a dollar cost a quarter, the gas station actually paid YOU to fill up your tank, and semi-naked Stefani's rained from the sky as you walked to school in the snow with barefeet. Uphill. Both ways.
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Oh, those were simplier times.... if not necessarily "better". Granted, our biggest concern then was illegal telegraph tapping programs. Then again, "racism" was then known as "color commentary", so it wasn't all peaches and cream.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

It Must Be Summer (Jennifer Aniston) (pt.II)

Ah, the loneliest ass on Earth. Jennifer Aniston continued her Hawaii vacation this weekend, obviously taking a break from cutting herself before a shrine of her ex-husband and performing hexes on Tomb Raider action figures, by going out for another day of obligatory hotness. Also, should be on her way to a new career in competitive surfboarding. In about three years, you'll see Jennifer Aniston's Pro-Surfboarding 3 released on every major game console, complete with the 720 Leprachaun Jump. Which, of course, consists of a two complete turns, whilst getting a nose job and changing your obviously Greek last name. This manuver also immediately pays the individual $1 million dollars per jump.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

It Must Be Summer (Jenny McCarthy)

Jenny McCarthy... doing what Jenny McCarthy does best. Well, besides farting in public while sticking her tongue out and copulating with Jim Carrey. The girl we always knew and loved (ourselves while watching her) from Singled Out was out on the beach this week, showing off her greatest natural talent: tremendous breasts. Breathtaking, spectacular breasts that you just want to crawl up and live between forever, eventually constructing complicated architecture resembling that of an Ewok village. And then, in your autumn years, you wil gather around the bonfire, and recount stories about your youth and the epic journey you undertook to climb to this place, and start a new future for your people.

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Either that, or just squeeze a few out while looking at them. I mean, if you'd have a long day already.

Source (TheSuperficial)....

It Must Be Summer (Jennifer Aniston)

Jennifer Aniston, who is looked upon as the perpetual old maid of Hollywood for some reason, was recently seen paddling surfboards around Hawaii. Which is, of course, totally indicative of her unfathomable misery. In all seriousness, the girl broke up with two guys in two years and is looked upon as the "Pariah of Love" by half the country. Meanwhile, I've been alone for years, and.... and.... *uncontrollable sobbing and self-flagulation ensues*

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Though I'm not as psychotic about Ms. Aniston as the Monk might be, I'm still a heterosexual (really?) man (really??) which leads me to believe its not too difficult for her to find a decent lay. I can think of literally two dozen people off the top of my head that are disease-free (-ish) who would chop off their left arm for a chance to even touch this girl with their right one. Oh, and lest we forget the fact that she's rich enough to do pretty much anything she likes. Like, say, clone a gold plated version of her ex-husband, so they can sit around the house and eat Chunky Monkey while going through old photo albums and cutting themselves.

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The next Jennifer Aniston article you read might just have the headline: "Jennifer Aniston Dies Alone!". Not because she did. Just because U.S. Weekly wants her to.

The Rest of It (TheBlemish)...

It Must Be Summer (Hillary Swank)

It might seem like we're going a tad heavy on the "It Must Be Summer" entries today, but I'm just trying to wrap up a whole summer's worth of these before the damned season is over and I lose my best excuse for deluging you with pictures of celebrities in bikini's. Oh, and also, dude, you are totally gay for even questioning my motives in the first place. In any case, here's Hillary Swank, who happens to have a surprisingly decent body. Surprising, because for some reason I kinda thought she had a dick. I'm not totally sure why I thought that, whether I heard it somewhere or just naturally inferred it because she looks like she could kick the living shit out of me, so I'm just going to go ahead and assume that its from a dream I must've had. A sexy, sexy dream.

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In other Swank news, she's apparently left her husband, never-was actor Chad Lowe, due to the revelation that he was abusing drugs. Though, they never say exactly which drugs. Being Hollywood, I'd guess it was either cocaine or heroin, but what I can't wait for is the day that some celebrity is in the news for being on some less mainstream substance, like extract of the Columbian Tree Frog. And the day that will happen is tomorrow.... when I pour some into Hillary Swank's drink. Date-rape is for worthless pussies who apparently can't masturbate like the rest of us. Date-drug-and-laugh-as-you-watch-them-stumble-around-in-public, now THAT is the sport of kings.

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It Must Be Summer (Brooke Hogan)

I know what you are thinking, she is not that hot. Well, apparently you never asked me for approval to say she isn't hot. I am not sure if it is just the fact that her father, Terry "Hulk Hogan" Bollea, is the greatest wrestler of all time, or becasue she has a fantastic body. You know the type of body that makes you want to wrestle around with her in pudding. But it always seems that Mr. Fuji comes in with a chair and hits me square in the face, thus rendering my genitalia useless.

Anyways, I would like to congratulate Linda and Hulk Hogan for creating such a fine female. I love the show, and must admit find my self taping every episode of Hogan Knows Best.

For those of you who say she is too manly, I say I don't care. Look at her chest...not manly to me. Plus, if she had a penis, that would make her even hotter....seriously. I must say, her ariola's do look perfect. There is no way a man would have such perfect nipple's. Right?


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-Cambodian Monk-

It Must Be Summer (Brooke Burke)

Alot of swimsuits today, it seems. This time its Brooke Burke, who is most well-known for.... umm.. you know what, I'm not entirely sure. I pretty much know her purely for being hot, thus appearing in countless issues of FHM, Maxim, and Stuff. But correct me if I'm wrong, didn't she just have a kid not too long ago? And isn't this not her first kid, either? I'm fairly certain that the female body cannot return to its exact original shape after a pregnancy or two. Isn't that a law of particle physics or something?
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Anyway, congratulations to Brooke Burke regardless. One day you can tell you kids how Mommy was still frequently the subject of millions of young men's self-gratification well after they were already born. And then you can take them to therapy. I'll see you there. However, you should know that if you're the appointment after mine, you might have to shield your kids' eyes when I do my weekly strip naked and run out of the office screaming while crying into Gatorade water bottles and then drinking from them. Why, you ask? One, you tell me a better response to her saying "Well, I think we've made some good progress this week"? And two, all that naked running and screaming raises your body temperature. How else should I stay hydrated? Are you trying to kill me? You are aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!

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It Must Be Summer (Stacy Keibler)

Ah. The girl who started the sea change for women in professional wrestling from the "Might-Actually-Have-A-Penis" crowd to the "Oh-My-Fucking-God-Would-You-Look-At-Her" crowd. Stacy Keibler, who disappeared from the W.W.E. to pursue her opportunities on "Dancing With The Stars" and..... uh.... travelling the world looking hot? In either case, this is the type of girl whom we should all just be thankful to for sharing her fantastic face and/or body with the world, because its fairly obvious she could've just gotten rich by marrying into it. There's a certain point of physical beauty where as long as you don't develop a meth habit, you're pretty much taken care of for life. It kinda seems unfair... until you look at that picture. Then, it seems kinda unfair that you haven't been sacrificing small woodland creatures to efigies of her for several years already. After all, the blood of the woodchuck gives her ass power.*
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Some Stacy by the pool for you:

* - Next to Oil, Coal, Solar, Nuclear and Force... "Ass Power" is the most efficient source of energy.

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It Must Be Summer (Hillary Duff)

Retroactively, here's the young Hillary Duff doing the beach thing. Between you and me, I always thought this girl was peach-shaded rectangle for the first couple of "legal" years, but she seems to working on that. And if there is nothing else in the world I can admire, its self-improvement. Especially geometric self-improvement. "Hot Girl" is a much sexier shape than "Rectangle". However, neither shape has anything on the oblate spheroid. Oh, planet Earth, you know how to get my furnace burning. Flat at the poles, bulged at the center, just like Rosie O'Donell. And also like Ms. O'Donell, composed of miles of layers of sedentary rock surrounding a hot, molten iron core. In fact, the only difference I can imagine between the two is that what one refers to as "global warming", the other refers to as "hot flashes".

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