Thats One Dead Dog

Leona Helmsley's, a miserably rich argument for geriatricide, last will and testament was released to the public yesterday. And who's the big winner? Her dog, Trouble, with $12 million dollars. You heard me. A fucking dog. And, on top of it, she decided to allow some mysterious grudge with 2 out of her 4 grandchildren to fuck them over forever, leaving them nothing but a metaphorical middle finger for all eternity.
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First question: the picture. I know. But here's your choice: you can look at some chick in her 80's who is nearly as digusting on the outside as she in within; or you can look at some chick from the 80's who is so beautiful on the outside that I touch myself on the inside..... wait, what? Forget it, anyways, just how much can you hate a family member that you leave them nothing from a multi-billion dollar empire. I mean, I suppose I can think of a few of my own that might deserve it, but I'm pretty sure its not a good idea to actually do it. Here's your problem, Corpse of Ms. Helmsley: these people are still alive and you are not. How are you going to defend your prized New York-aristocrat reputation in three years when they come out and produce evidence that you had a penis? Sure, they're poor. But you're dead. I'm pretty sure poor and alive still beats rich and dead in America. At least for the time being.
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Unanswered Questions:
1) How does a dog spend $12 million dollars? Furthermore, how does said dog fill out a will to deal with whatever's left over? Is it distributed out amongst her puppies? Or, failing that she has any puppies, is it donated to the United Maltese College Fund?
2) What is sexier: Kathy Ireland or the myriad of home furniture that pops up in Google Images when you search for her name?
Answers:
1) House-breaking.... Stamps her paw in ink.... Yes.... Definitely Yes, resulting in a hilarious Disney movie entitled "M.I.T. Maltese".
2) Seems like an obvious answer.... until you see that Ottoman in the pink number on page 3. Everyone knows Mahogany is so much sluttier than Oak.

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Tito Ortiz is the Mama bird.

Tito Ortiz was spotted regurgatating his lunch into the mouth of girlfriend Jenna Jameson for some much needed nutrients. I won't say too much as I fear Tito Ortiz may rip my colon out of my body through my mouth. It would tickle, granted, but the after taste would be terrible.

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Seriously, this looks like a scene from Slither. "Survey Says. Jenna Jameson still gross is the number one answer. Nerd Geyser, are you going to pass or play". Pass!

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-SlapChicken-

Avery and Cuthbert split; Avery goes blind.

New York Rangers, Sean Avery and Elisha "I should be nude in every movie I make" Cuthbert have parted ways after more than two years of *loving, Canadian togetherness. Apparently the split caused Avery to lose his eye sight as he was seen hitting on Paris Hilton a number of times.

“He hit on her three times, but every time, Paris would give him disgusted looks and move away from his creepy shoulder-brushing and close-talking ways,” said our snitch. The rebuffed Avery hit on other blonds. “You could tell he just wanted to hook up,” said the spy.
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Some of you may see this as a non-story, but for Ranger fans it's not good news. I mean just think of what magical treasures and powers that can be obtained from coitus with Cuthbert, let's hope Sean's middle name is not Samson. Also, I'm inclined to believe that Sean didn't actually want to hook up with Paris, but had eaten a pound of mushrooms and was actually talking smack to Paris because he thought she was Darcy Tucker. Either way it was a bad idea, to go from clean cut Canadian to dirty....well, do I need to go on? I think you can fill in the blanks.
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*What I mean when I say loving, Canadian togetherness is hip checking eachother, serving infinte minutes for roughing and watch re-runs of SCTV for 2 years. Do you get that joke? No? Good! That means there is still hope for you.

Story.

-SlapChicken-

It Must Be Summer (Jennifer Aniston) (pt.II)

Ah, the loneliest ass on Earth. Jennifer Aniston continued her Hawaii vacation this weekend, obviously taking a break from cutting herself before a shrine of her ex-husband and performing hexes on Tomb Raider action figures, by going out for another day of obligatory hotness. Also, should be on her way to a new career in competitive surfboarding. In about three years, you'll see Jennifer Aniston's Pro-Surfboarding 3 released on every major game console, complete with the 720 Leprachaun Jump. Which, of course, consists of a two complete turns, whilst getting a nose job and changing your obviously Greek last name. This manuver also immediately pays the individual $1 million dollars per jump.

Source (HollywoodTuna)...

Alyssa Milano Misses Her Calling

Alyssa Milano made an appearance at the Victoria's Secret Lingerie show recently, and left most wondering why she wasn't one of the models. In all honesty, why isn't this girl doing that sort of thing already? Is she still working? I haven't seen her on T.V. once save for briefly passing by old reruns of Charmed, which I only watch for one minute and forty-seven seconds before it has already served its purpose anyways. Allowing this American treasure to go to waste is tantamount to digging up George Washington's corpse and pinching a loaf between his wooden teeth. And even G.W.'s corpse would agree that it was a far less agredious offense.

Full Story (HollywoodTuna)....

Jessica Alba = Hot. Its science. Literally.

Apparently, a group of mathematicians at Cambridge University (who seem to have their priorities in order) have calculated a mathematical formula for determining a woman's attractiveness by measuring one's waist in ratio to one's hips. The perfect formula? A woman's waist should be equal to 70% of her hips. And the most well-known woman who possesses these dimensions: Jessica Alba. Hence, Jessica Alba is scientifically the most attractive woman on the planet. Way to go. Cambridge University just invested serious funds in the same pursuit of that famous and distinguised think-tank we all commonly know as FHM. And just like FHM, they concluded that the answer is Jessica Alba. Watch for the opposition theory starring Halle Berry or Lindsay Lohan from the combined team of Oxford and Maxim later this year..... And then watch for the authentic theory to be released concerning Natalie Portman.... by me.... in the form of several impromptu performance art pieces involving fresh goose down and sixteen gallons of crow blood.

Full Story (HollywoodTuna)...

Yet Another Jessica Simpson Entry

Jessica Simpson showed up at a public appearance yesterday looking more like her old self. And by "old self", I mean "astonishingly good looking". And though I've been giving Jessica alot of time on this site recently, look at these pictures and tell me I'm wrong. Seriously. Her breasts are like magical candy-orbs from heaven. I heard from some guy* that one time she simultaneously stopped an elaborate terrorist attack and ressurected an adorable puppy merely by slightly adjusting her posture to stick them out a bit more. When reached for comment, the puppy responded "Jessica's got some big-ass titt-ays". To which, the aforementioned terrorists agreed, and then sat down for unilateral peace talks with said pupp, finally bringing an end to war as we know it, forever and ever.

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Ok, maybe not. But still, Jessica Simpson's delicious tats are an undeniable fact.

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* Some Guy - Incestuous Joe Simpson. Not to be confused with Shoeless Joe Simpson... who was merely a normal pedophile.

Source (HollywoodTuna)....

So... the point was?

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Malaki, who has come under serious fire recently for not getting the new Iraqi democracy on a proper footing fast enough, was visting neighboring Syria this past weekend, where he claimed that if the United States would no longer support his democraticaly-elected government, then he would seek allies elsewhere. Of course, the most obvious choice for new friendships would be with the governments of Syria and Iran, both of whom the U.S. has accused of aiding the Iraqi insurgent movement over the past few years. While President Bush has officially stated that any change in Iraqi leadership would have to be made by the Iraqi people themselves, such an alliance would force the current administration into a tough situation in both the long and short term. Such an agreement would render U.S. influence impractical in the stumbling country, and subvert any interpretation as the war action as having any positive effect for the American government.

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Well, this seems about right. First, we start a war for the wrong reasons. Then, we fight the war improperly, with a healthy mix of incompetance on the part of officials and inhumanity on the part of a scant few renegade troops (with 99% of our legitimate and respectable fighting force paying in honor and lives every fucking step of the way). Finally, the worst possible conclussion presents itself as being the most likely. On a serious note, it'll never happen but I can think of about a dozen or so people in Washington, D.C. and Crawford, TX, that owe almost 4,000 families a serious apology. Or more appropriately, they should be offering their lives for the offense they've perpetrated.

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But since that will never happen, can we just launch the entire administration out of a cannon into a brick wall? I know, I know. Listen, I could run down the legitimate arguments for a military coup of this government. But honestly, I don't have the time nor patience anymore to do so. If you really still think all of this was a good idea, then the only response I have anymore is to kick you in the fucking teeth. No jokes here. Right in the fucking teeth.

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Vick Pleads Guilty; I No Longer Care.

Michael Vick, who has officially dominated this blog for the last few weeks, is finally coming to the end of the legal process by which he will be eventually incarcirated. Today, Vick plead guilty to federal dogfighting charges in a Richmond, Virginia courthouse. He is scheduled to be sentenced on Dec. 10. Most have concluded Vick will probably face around a year of jail time, almost $500,000 in fines, and already has recieved an "indefinite suspension", without pay, from NFL commisioner Roger Goddell.

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So, essentially, Mike Vick is done. The Falcons will be forced to finally scout out a new quarterback, not being able to simply wait out an entire season, or possibly two, with a backup Q.B., and hope against hope that Goddell lets Vick play in 2009-2010. Which, if one follows how things work in the NFL, will make Vick essentially unsignable by almost any other team as well. MAYBE the Oakland Raiders, but thats about it. Now, all that remains is for Vick to quietly go to prison, and then be released to disappear into obscurity, occasionally surfacing every five to ten years to film a segment on either Inside the NFL or Real Sports about the entire incident. And from this tenuous position, Vick can contimplate how he's traded temporary fame for eternal infamy, and all possible implications to the phrase "sub-human".

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Your Rosary can be used as a Flotation Device

The Vatican announced this morning that they will be launching their own airline carrier. The planned airline will take passengers to various Roman Catholic holy sites around Europe and the Middle East, supposedly for a greatly discounted rate. The entire airliner will be adorned in religious decoration, and will feature Christian entertainment in-flight. The effort is hoping to shuttle 150,000 Catholics a year on its single Boeing 737, which is run by Italy's Mistral Air.

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Ok, this is all well-and-good, and I'm sure I could go into a lengthy diatribe about how the planes are fueled by communion wine* instead of jet fuel, but actually I have a semi-serious question: What happens if the plane crashes? The only Roman Catholic-only airline in the world... crashes? Or, even worse, becomes the victim of a hyjacking. I'm sure it wouldn't cause the fall of the Church or anything, but its kinda like hearing that Britney Spears decided to surgically attach a penis to her forehead. Its interesting news and all, but it definitely can't look good.

* - Everyone knows that Jesus powers 737's not with communion wine, but with the simple sex appeal eminated from his bad-ass pair of sandals.

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Another One Bites the Dust

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has resigned his position as of this morning, according to almost every person alive. Gonzales, who has faced scandal after scandal recently, is the second Bush administration official to resign in as many weeks, following Karl Rove's departure. Gonzales came under fire most notably for his involvement in the ethically-questionable firings of eight U.S. attorneys and the genesis of the national wiretap program.

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Ah, yes. The inevitable rats deserting the sinking ship manuver. It is getting to be that time, isn't it? Just a little less than a year and a half left now in the statistically second worst presidency of all time (the winner of that contest is actually Herbert Hoover, look it up you savages), and the unchallenged worst presidency ever when it comes to foreign policy. I think its time to start tallying it up:

- Two U.S.-initiated War Actions (Iraq, Afghanistan) against 3rd-world countries, both of which have yet to be won. -

- Biggest percentage drop in approval rating in history (89% on Nov. 2, 2001 vs. 28% on Aug. 27, 2007). -

- Largest erosion of good faith between the U.S. and European nations since World War II. -

- Inability to stiffle North Korean nuclear expansion. -

- Inability to stiffle Iranian nuclear expansion. -

- Inability to sufficiently disrupt Al-Qaeda. -

- Inability to capture and/or kill Osama Bin Laden. -

- The complete destruction of the city of New Orleans, LA. by inaction. -

- Nepotism and Favoritism in appointment-procedures cripple F.E.M.A., the C.I.A., the Justice Department, and the newly-created Homeland Security department. -

- Record numbers of high-level Republican politicians indicted or resigned to avoid indictment: Tom DeLay (corruption), Duke Cunningham (corruption), Scooter Lobby (purgery), John Ashcroft (undermining of civil liberties), Donald Rumsfeld (purgery, undermining of civil liberties, possible endorsement of war crimes/torture), Mark Foley (attempted homosexual pedophilia), David Savafian (corruption), Claude Allen (petty theft), Paul Wolfowitz (purgery), Matteo Fontana (fraud), Michael Brown (gross negligence), Jack Abramoff (corruption), etc. etc. etc.

- Energy Industry Fluxiation, kills Enron (alongside the efforts of Kenneth Lay) and empowers Halliburton.-

- A new low in Election ethics. -

- Two Questionable Presidential Elections, one shady one in 2004, and one blatantly illegal one in 2000. -

- Total Collapse of the Housing Market. -

- Largest Scandal Count in U.S. history. -

- 3,852 Dead United States Military Personel since 2001 (3,574 in Iraq; 264 in Afghanistan)

And that's just a general outline. I think I'm a little nauseous after writing that. C'mon January 2009.... I'm waiting.

Full Story (CNN.com)....

Ok... maybe "Wedding Crashers" wasn't THAT bad, Owen.

Owen Wilson, perennial member of the unofficial Apatow-McKay comedy super-ensemble, has reportedly been hospitalized after attempting suicide late last night/early this morning by cutting his left wrist and alledgedly taking several unidentified pills. Wilson's family was seen outside a hospital in Santa Monica, California this morning, awaiting word from doctors on his condition.

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Alright, I'll admit I've been a little harsh on Owen. But lets be honest, sweetie, your brother Luke has tended to be far funnier. And I don't care how "perfect" of a date movie "Wedding Crashers" was, it was still weak sauce when compared to its kin. You see, 'ol Dog-Leg Nose, I wasn't saying that your movies suck, persay. I was just saying they were, on average, about half as funny as the movies in which your co-stars appeared, and you did not. That being said, we already had that little talk about how your role in "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" has protected you from my ire for all time. So, don't go ending it all over all of this. After all, you're still going to sleep with women whom, in reference to your facial appearance, you would never, ever, ever be entitled to sleep with under normal, evolutionary terms. And you got to spend a few days with Bill Murray, once. Hell, things can't be that bad, butterscotch stallion.

Source (rediffNews)...

DMX & Michael Vick share training tips.

Before I get started, anyone who reads this blog should realize that this particular post is going to be long, boring, drawn out and angry. It seems rapper DMX had his Phoenix home searched as part of an investigation into reported animal cruelty. Specifically under nourishment What was his animal of choice you ask? Hmm, I'd give you a guess, but i'm sure you already know due to the title and obvious picture posted. The search yielded twelve pit bull terriers and the cadavers of three more dogs were exhumed on the property. The search also resulted in the discovery of half pound of undisclosed drugs and a plethora of assault weapons. SURPRISE!!!
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As a self proclaimed dog lover this pisses me off to an infinite extent. Particularly because I myself am an American Pitbull Terrier owner. It's "people" like DMX and Michael Vick who will continue to give these dogs bad reputations. All because they'll always want money, this type of money is not regular green backs though. This is blood money, enjoyment and profit at the expense of helpless, suffering animals who know and do only what they are told to. Animals, dog's in specific are a reflection of their owners. I understand there is nothing that says DMX was fighting these dogs, but you'd have to be pretty fucking stupid to not realize that they would be or have been in the past. This isn't a first for him either, he's already pleaded guilty for animalty cruelty back in '02 when 13 pit bull's were found on his premesis in NJ.

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Seriously, I'm sick of this whole Pit Bull fad, bullshit. These assholes are destroying a breed, it's shit like this that lead to BSL (Breed Specific Legislation). BSL is a law that will not allow certain breeds of dogs in certain area's of the world. BSL can rip a dog out of a home at any point and time, wether you have owned the dog for 10 months or 10 years. Wether it's a problem dog or a big mush, it does not matter. This isn't just limited to pitbulls, Rottweiller's and Doberman's are also listed as a "dangerous breed" as per BSL and can even make it hard or impossible to attain home owners insurance.
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If there is any justice in this shit hole of a world these assholes will be eaten by a pack of African Wild Dogs while on a tandem trip to Namibia in search of their career's. Ya' hear that Dave Chapelle?

Full story.

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Sorry for being single handedly serious and non sensical, I promise this is the first and last serious post I will ever make on here. Unless Keira Knightley accepts my proposal a week from today, then you'll never hear from me again. Or if she finds me in her trash can, either way I will be indisposed.


-SlapChicken-