Owen Wilson, perennial member of the unofficial Apatow-McKay comedy super-ensemble, has reportedly been hospitalized after attempting suicide late last night/early this morning by cutting his left wrist and alledgedly taking several unidentified pills. Wilson's family was seen outside a hospital in Santa Monica, California this morning, awaiting word from doctors on his condition. ....
Alright, I'll admit I've been a little harsh on Owen. But lets be honest, sweetie, your brother Luke has tended to be far funnier. And I don't care how "perfect" of a date movie "Wedding Crashers" was, it was still weak sauce when compared to its kin. You see, 'ol Dog-Leg Nose, I wasn't saying that your movies suck, persay. I was just saying they were, on average, about half as funny as the movies in which your co-stars appeared, and you did not. That being said, we already had that little talk about how your role in "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" has protected you from my ire for all time. So, don't go ending it all over all of this. After all, you're still going to sleep with women whom, in reference to your facial appearance, you would never, ever, ever be entitled to sleep with under normal, evolutionary terms. And you got to spend a few days with Bill Murray, once. Hell, things can't be that bad, butterscotch stallion.
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