"I'm trying to bang this broad, Hen-dree!"

Former Supermodel and Kind-of Actress Angie "The Actually-Hottest Redhead You Will Ever See (*cough* in 1994 *cough*)" Everhart recently got engaged to Joe "Why Is Everyone Laughing At My Legitimate Speech Impediment?" Pesci. Now, I'd usually make some remarks about how unfair and/or counter-Darwinian Evolution this coupling is... but frankly, one time I saw him beat Phil Leotardo nearly to death for bringing up his old shoe-shine job in a not-too respectful manner. Which is another way of saying that I've watched "Goodfellas" enough times now to have substituted my actual memories for a DVD cross-section of the film, resulting in a major legal discrepancy between myself and the good people over at Lufthansa.
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Besides, I hear she's from the Five Towns, and that could work out to be a big score someday.
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On a side note: it is surprisingly difficult to find a really decent picture of Angie Everhart through Google, as evidenced above. Sure, there's pictures, but what happened to the ones where I'm looming in the background, naked except for my X-ray specs and a generous coat of strawberry preserves whilst carrying the rear-bumper for a 1982 Toyota Arrow. Ah, what an Earth Day that was.

What's statutory mean?

Hayden Panettiere, one of the stars of "Heroes" and alarmingly-still 17 years old, is still out begging to inspire legally-questionable thoughts out of a generation of men. Actually, I'm fairly certain that saying her name outloud three times infront of a mirror summons "To Catch a Predator" like the Candyman. Which, of course, leads to suicide.
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More pictures to feel slightly guilty over at the Blemish

Avril Lavigne wants to be invited to the cool kids' parties

Yeah, so these pictures of Avril Lavigne started popping up around the internet this week.....and by popping up I mean that literally every celebrity-gossip based website seems contractually obligated to post them. Because.... we didn't know that Avril Lavigne had breasts before now? Supple, alabaster, perky breasts barely restrained by a pink bikini top? Drawing my eyes upon them like iron fillings to a magnet? With such force that although I'm looking at this picture through my wireless internet whilst driving down the expressway, I cannot turn my eyes away... even though a flaming, out-of-control tractor trailer is currently barrelling down the road in the wrong direction directly towards me? Uh-oh.
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In all seriousness, this picture could've told you this girl has an amazing body years ago. But here's a lesson for ya girls. Ye who dress like goth chick, but is far too attractive to be an actual goth chick, sends off just one message to guys: "I have no sense-of-self and am therefore very easy to emotionally manipulate." Just saying.
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But please don't stop. I need to feed on your emotions to sustain my eternal, youthful beauty and supernatural feats of strength.
Thanks to the Blemish for this story. More pics, and a damn funny website overall through the link.

Late, but still pretty...

The 01-18-08, or Cloverfield, poster was released a little while back, and it features absolutely no new information, save for letting us know what the rest of the Statue of Liberty looks like now that its head is located somewhere either in Williamsburg or the Lower East Side (depending on how you interpret the ambigious geography of the trailer). But still...... it is pretty.

Oh man, this movie looks like it will be so awesome that I just might kill myself when I finally see just how badly it will probably suck.

Lindsay Lohan of the 88 Powers

God, I'm tired of writing about this girl. Well, if nothing else, she provides me with excuses to talk about ocularly-pleasing women... and then contrast them to to this saggy red bag of refuse.

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Lindsay Lohan, better known as Marduk the Destroyer, has another "close friend" running around claiming that Lohan is full or herself and has been shit-talking other contemperary actresses. Now, I'm not foolish enough to not notice that a new "close friend" of Lindsay's is coming out everyday with a new horror story about Ms. Lohan's superhuman bitchakinetic powers. To be fair to the girl, at this rate, you'll find her running down Wilshire Blvd. next week in a loincloth and red cape screaming "Drive the Persians to the cliffs!", before shoving old ladies into traffic. However, I will concede, I wouldn't entirely be surprised if that turned out to be true also.

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I was originally going to put up contrasting pictures of Lindsay vs. the actresses she had judged unworthy of Lohanship, but after five minutes of assembling a counter-argument to "Scarlett Johansson is fat, ugly with no talent", I realized no one needs one. Thats like Hitler saying that Anne Frank was a genocidal monster. Or the sun saying that the moon was too yellow and blinding. Or like me saying that women look better in lipstick and eyeliner than I do. Its all just so obviously not true. And besides, this peach rouge really brings out my eyes.

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So instead, I'm starting a little project to list off 50 people that I can think of right off the top of my head that are hotter than Lindsay Lohan. Of course, omitting the legless bum who dances for nickels outside my apartment. And of course, "dances" means "performs graphic and rough sex acts with" in my neighborhood. It causes alot of problems at block parties.

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Top 50 Girls better looking than Lindsay Lohan (coming soon)

Random Portman of the Moment

Its like a pretentious hipsters wet dream. Scantily-clad Natalie ontop of a pile of books. Of course, if it were a real pretentious hipster, all of these books would remain unread....or at the most have copies of Spin inside.

No Michael Vick Jokes, I swear

Actor Ving Rhames, star of "Pulp Fiction", "Dawn of the Dead" (remake) and a hundred other roles that call for bald and brooding black men (hmmmm....thats a pretty good band name...) had the most untimely of animal accidents yesterday, when his caretaker was found dead on his front lawn, aparrently the victim of a mauling by four of Rhames' bull mastifs.

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Alright. Lets all be mature about this (I'm looking at you, Fox News). Of course there is a titanic difference between a certain overated (soon-to-be former) pro quarterback running an interstate dog-fighting ring and an accomplished actor's sudden bout of topical misfortune. However, I'm currently organizing a pool to bet on how many times you hear a "SPECIAL REPORT" about "how safe dogs are.....(*dramatic pause*)......really?!" BUM BUM BUM. And everytime one of these journalists* leads off one of their stories with a deadpan to camera saying "But are these animals really.......man's best friend?!" you take a shot. To the temple. From a Desert Eagle.

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Full Story

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*- Journalist (n.) > 1) Previous to the mid-1990's, a profession which involved the objective reporting of current events concerning global socio-politics, culture, and relevant historical developments without ideological bias.

2) After the mid-1990's, a profession which invovled the subjective gossping of current events concerning Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, with occasional interuptions for government propaganda and inflammatory politcal ranting with attractive women in short blond haircuts.

Slow News Day

Actress Anne Hathaway, of such cinematic gems as "The Princess Diaries" and the diametrically-opposed "Havoc", claimed in an interview recently with cnn.com (!?!) that she nearly walked out on her recent project due to her apparent lack of faith in her own talent. On top of that, she considers herself boring and "safe" as opposed to Lindsay Lohan and her ilk.

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Ok. You may be thinking to yourself (and you should knock that shit off, poindexter): even for this webpage, this is kinda irrelevant. Which is kinda my point, bizscratch. THIS STORY WAS FRONT PAGE NEWS ON CNN.COM TODAY!!!! I'm pretty sure that the weight, density and hue of my bowel movement this morning is more relevant than this. Or...you know.....something like say....the Darfur Genocide. (uh-oh, semi-serious political note).

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And to add some kind of commentary to this story, here's this: Anne Hathaway reminds me of that nerdy-hot girl in high school whose entire life revolved around the Drama Club and the National Honors Society. You know, the one that almost every emotionally, and physically, underdeveloped guy hung around like beaten and hungry puppy; going home at night and listening to Dashboard Confessionals while writing her a long and complicated love note made out of magazine cutouts that reflect things she has casually mentioned that she liked......around three semesters ago. And then, after four years of cockteasing these defenseless half-men, she goes off to college, loses her virginity to some meathead at a frat party by accident, and then proceeds to watch "The Rules of Attraction" 16.5 million times before graduating with with a physics degree......to become a librarian somewhere.

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Hit a little too close to home? Well, soothe yourself by crying into your palm and masturbating to these other pictures of Anne Hathaway. ("Someday you'll understand, Susan... ..someday.)

Full Story(....at cnn.com?)

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The only Anne Hathaway movie you SHOULD have seen.....well, at least the 1:39mins section of it.

Michael Bay's Wrath Continues....

A Minneapolis, Minnesota bridge collapsed during rush hour on Wednesday evening, killing five and injuring dozens more. The cause of the collapse has yet to be determined, but most sources are pointing to several cracks that had manifested in the welding within the last several years as the most probable culprit.

Now, you may ask: "Why Richard Gere as the avatar of this story?". And my answer (which should've been obvious enough already, you philistine) is that I take it you haven't seen "The Mothman Prophecies". Which is to say, I haven't seen it either. .... Which is to say I'm pretty sure no one else living has seen it either......Basically, as much fun as I could make of you for not getting the reference, if you happened TO catch it, then thats almost more sad.

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I'm pretty sure it had something to do with a moth, a man, and somehow a bridge. So I'll take the next logical step with it, and assume it concluded with a tactical nuclear strike orchestrated by the U.S. military against said "Mothman", as he ruthlessly devoured helpless citizens whilst Richard Gere attempted to save his daughter/girlfriend/wife/mother/random female aquaintance and thus redeemed himself for years of neglect and/or alcoholism. And afterward, they drove across a bridge and died...somehow. And then Aerosmith played over the credits. Thats what happened right? Right?

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What? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED?! Well.....that sucks. Wait, what was I originally talking about? Oh, yeah the Minnesota Vikings, right? Yeah, well, they suck too.

Random Portman of the Moment

Sweet Jesus on a Delicious Butter Cracker!

Listen, all I'm saying is how jaw-droppingly sexy is that guy in the background. Another happy client of the crystal meth diet. Ride the Snake!

Trust the Gordon's Fisherman

Okay. So this is long overdue. But here's my response to Dr. SlapChicken's diagnosis of the upcoming NHL season, otherwise known as the 2nd to last NHL season. And by the picture above, I'm sure you've already gathered that I'm going to be uber-immature about this.

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The Islanders suck.

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Let me repeat that: the NEW YORK ISLANDERS suck. In a way, they have always sucked, even when they were romping the league in the early 1980's. For they are the Islanders, and lo' was it written, in the sacred texts handed down by Jehovah "engraving" His Word upon the Holy Ice with his mildly-warm and highly-acidic golden stream of omnipotence. And yey, the Words upon the Ice read: "Thou shalt never charge more than $16 for shitty seats." (A Commandment which was immediately off-set by "Thou shalt charge $7.50 for a Heineken whilst claiming it to be an 'Exotic Beer'").

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However, NO MATTER how badly the Isles suck, nor how many games the Rangers defeat them in by scores that resemble those of an NBA team playing against 6 avocadoes, they will never, ever, EVER...........and the Rock means: EVER! suck as badly as the Rangers do in their dark and lonely souls. And though the Devils will always be worse, and the nigh-unmentionable Flyers will trump even the aforementioned fanless Stanley Cup-factory, the Rangers will always, ALL-VAYS, be worth just about as much as a smudge of fecal matter on the tip of a nuclear ICBM about 3 seconds before airburst over Haiphong.

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And, as my aqua-luminescent* colleague noted earlier, spending the gross domestic product of France on acquring new players is not necessarily a good idea. Unless you wear pinstripes on your jersey. And even then it works about half of the time......... plus you have to be playing baseball...... And that just sucks period.

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Ok, I lost my train of thought. But the crux of it is this: the sole purpose of the upcoming hockey season is to fulfill my secret masturbatory dream of watching Chris Simon kill Sean Avery on ice, or failing that, sleeping with Elisha Cuthbert whilst doing the chicken dance and concordantly shitting on a VHS copy of the Mark Messier number retirement ceremony.

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* - And yes, SlapChicken glows when placed in water. The reason behind which is too horrible to discuss aloud. (see: "Tuskunga Event")

Random Portman of the Moment

Yeah. So.....she's pretty.
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Yep.

Lohan Arrested....This Time For Reals.

Lindsay Lohan, acclaimed actress and refined lady of high society, was arrested this morning around 1:30 a.m., and charged with driving under the influence and possession of a controlled substance (read: Magic Powder) amongst other citations. As of the time of this posting (read: as currently as my job allows me to check cnn.com whilst avoiding braindead customers), Miss Lohan was still in custody, awaiting to be released on bail.

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You know, as much as my self-professed love of Natalie Portman tends to lend itself to ranting about the attractiveness of Long Island women, Lindsay is probably a far better sampling of the typical mindset of the Longislandus Vaginaslovecokeus. "Oh my god (the ritual opening to every Longislandus statement), isn't ________ (monosylabic-male name) so fucking hot? Sure, he let me bleed from the nose unconsious on his patio while six of his Fred Flinstone-esque (read: No-Neck) masturbating in a loose circle around me, but he bought me a cab ride home in the morning, so I think this could go somewhere."

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.....Ok, maybe that was a little strong. But what else can you say about a girl that is probably the only celebrity pretty much every guy alive has a semi-decent shot at sleeping with, provided they lay out a single line of cocaine leading directly to their bedrooms, much like the way I seduced that sexy little minx with Reeses Pieces all those years ago.

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But still, despite his repeated promises, he never calls. I thought we had a connection.

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