Alecia Moore, better known as "Pink", and her husband, Carey Hart, are filing for divorce. The paperwork isn't out in the public eye yet, but I'd love to see how you word "discovered unexpected penis" in official court documents.
I'm curious, why is Pink still famous? Haven't all the depressed, tasteless High School fat girls that made up her fanbase all entered college by this point? Shouldn't they be satisfied by all the standard-less frat boy attention as the bar clears out by now? Or at least moved on to become a "Wicca" or something?
And, I know what your thinking by looking at the picture to the left. But remember, children: having breasts and long hair does not compensate for still having a penis. If that were the case, fat Metallica fans would be on the school cheerleading squad.
Emma Watson, prolonged exposure to whom seems to manifest impure, just-a-shade-short-of-illegal, thoughts, is rumored to have rebounded off of her short-lived relationship with the 27-yr old, heroin-addicted frontman of the British group, Razorlight, by finding solace in the arms of her Potter castmate, Daniel Radcliffe. The two were seen canoodling* at a pub recently, shortly after the aforemetioned "near-pedophilia" was ended by Watson's parents apparent complaints on the issue.
Well, I guess this makes sense. After all, these two were already doomed to spend their autumn years waving sticks around and shouting "Career-Resusitorum!" whilst point at their blank resumes. And I suppose dating a guy who poses naked with horses is a step-up** from a drug-addict pedophile***.
But on a more important note, is anybody else noticing that attractive British actresses and/or models seem to have no quarrel with their respective boyfriends doing heroin, while remaining fairly clean themselves? You see that, honey! THAT'S real love! If you really cared for me, you'd accept that my fix is worth more than your television. So give that shit up real smooth, baby! Daddy needs his medicine.
* - Simultaneously, my most favorite and least favorite word of all time. ** - 2 The Streets! Biaotch! *** - How old is 17... really?
Jessica Simpson is being sued by Speedfit for $10 million claiming breach of contract. She supposedly agreed to make an excercise video, but *pulled out at the last minute. The company is also suing dad, Joe, as well. "They are hurting millions of fat people in America", claims Speedfit.
Don't get me wrong, Jessica should not agree and then agree to disagree on anything that she does. Does that make sense? Wait, nothing has made sense since the supposed greatest team in NFL history, the New England Patriots, lost on the biggest sports stage ever, the Super Bowl, to a team everyone thought wouldn't make it to the playoffs, the New York Football Giants, in one of the greatest Super Bowls ever played, which included the greatest play in Super Bowl history, the Giants were the first No. 5 seed to win the Super Bowl and Eil Manning won the MVP, which proves he is equal to Peyton, the Giants won 11 straight road games.**. But do you seriously think that millions of people would have bought this video? And even if it hit a million sold, don't you think that I would have bought all 1 million copies for myself? I think that if she put out a video, millions of fat nerds would have bought it and not actually worked out watching it. Unless you call "level-grinding"sessions to be "watching an excercise video". Yea, that's what I'm going to call masturbation from now on, "watching an excercise video". I love Jessica Simpson. I am now going to "watch an excercise video".
*I would never pull out if I was inside of her. She would undoubtedly get pregnant from my titanium sperm, and have to spend the rest of her life with me.
**No, it is not a run on sentence. When using enough commas, no sentence is a run on. Plus, Mercury Morris instituted a new rule: When speaking of about Super Bowl XLII, it encouraged to place commas in the sentence as much as possible. The more commas, the more it adds to the excitement regarding the biggest collapse in sports history. And you must put "and" in the middle of the sentence.
OK, you choose. On the left, you have Paris Hilton. Undeniable porn-star skills, but assured penile eroding acidic disease (commonly known as P.E.A.D*). On the right, Christine Lakin**, J-list celebrity status (defined as requiring more than a three sentence explanation as to who she actually is when bragging later to your friends***), but superiorly desirable, suprisingly so, body.
Guess what? Either way, you lose. Or at least thats the way America sees it, as the Oscar-hyped**** The Hottie and the Nottie, starring the aforementioned pair,has already firmly established itself as the frontrunner for "bomb of the year" by scoring an astounding 29 viewers-per-theater...total... for an entire three-day weekend. One would surely ponder why the latter actress was forced to play the disgusting-girl role... slut+hot girl made up to look ugly= success?... but I'll skip the narrow-minded nay-saying and congratulate this film's producers for making a piece of Hollywood history... that will be worshipped by camp-loving homosexual men for decades to come. And in the same month as the Hannah Montana Concert Movie?! OH!.... MY!..... GOD! 2008 is just so.. FAAAAAABULOUS!!!!!*****
* - A serious disease that I TOTALLY did not just make up. Please, will you help spread awareness in your community? If only for the children. ** - The first girl I ever masturbated to, when I was like 11 or 12, and she was on Step By Step^. Don't ask why. IMAGINE why. *** - World of Warcraft Guild brothers do NOT count. Seriously, Kevin, move out of your parents basement and go to a bar or something. **** -Sarcasm (n.) - to praise a person, place or thing in contradiction to actual meaning, usually for the sake of humor. ***** - and yes, I totally am.****** ****** - I missed my *'s.
^ = T.M.I does not stand for Too Much Information! It stands for Too Much I'm so frickin awesome.
Stacy Keibler, who is probably the hottest, least shemale and/or local stripper-ish, WWE girl... oh, I'm sorry, "Diva" c. 1999, World Wrestling Entertainment, Greenwich, CT... is blitzkrieging the *shudder* blogosphere with a new video of her... apparently being a Daytona Beach Spring Break girl from the late 90's.
Which is, apparently, news. Well, as far in as any slight mention of some celebrity I find attractive is news. But I think we should take a moment to note the greater tragedy here... that we, as a nation, have allowed Ms. Keibler enough c-list fame to postpone her inevitable, direct-to-Cinemax, softcore pornographic debut. C'mon, people, Exotic, Erotic Confessions of REAL Women: Volume II - The Bed-and-Breakfast Sex-nection is just begging to be made.
Lindsay Lohan, pride of Long Island, recently shocked* the world by posing topless in tribute to Marilyn Monroe. Which would be awesome... except for the fact that she already showed them to us when she was 17... and again when she was 18... and 19... and well... I'll just stop there. But now you can see them in the setting of a non-Playboy, professionally photographed spread... which for the first time in my entire life has led me to beg for the ridiculous airbrushing of the aforementioned magazine. Seriously. What fucks up a great early twenties rack better than painfully unflattering shots of harshly lit Irish legs. I should know. I have IRISH LEGS! And believe me, nothing says "sexy" like skin that looks like a wedding dress thats been menstrated on through a thin screen. Couldn't she skip to the Amy Fisher** stage already? Now THERE is some Strong Island class.
America's favorite Canadian pop-star gave us more reason to quietly loathe her recently, but exposing, yet again, just how fucking perfect her oft-far too covered up body is. I'll update some more pics later, but for now... jesus christ. I know I seem at a loss for witty remarks tonight, but keep in mind that I've had several weeks to let these pictures settle into my "level-grinding" sessions... and at this point I've got nothing better than "hummana-hummana-hummana". But I will say this: blond hair with one streak of pink says just one thing to the male population of the world: "I am easily influenced, and look like I'm still in high school". Combine that with a immaculate body, and you've got a perfect storm of premature ejaculation... and sometimes incarciration. Yeah, I know. I'm just throwing slowballs today.
I'd love to put something up here to comment on the above pic... but its really hard to type with one hand... screaming "DAMN!" every two or three seconds. Seriously, has it gotten to the point where my Id is actually manufacturing reality now? If so, why does McDonald's not accept my claim to have "manifested" their McSkillet burrito, thereby not having to actually pay for it. That's right, I just equated Portman-Johannson lesbianism to a delicious breakfast treat. Now if only I could combine the two... mmmm... that sex would be chipotle-flavored!
Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2007-2008 NFL World Champions: the New York Football Giants!
Holy shit. I mean, honestly... HO..... LY...... SHIT. Did that just happen? Did I just hallucinate that whole thing?! The Giants won the Superbowl?! The Giants WON the Superbowl! Hahahahahaha..... Ahahahahahaha.... Ha. I just can't express the magnitude of the sports-gasm I had on the night of February 3rd, 2008. Truthfully, there is a small, 15-second, blackout in my memory following the gatorade being poured over Coughlin's head. One moment, I'm sitting on the couch, preparing for the massive coronary that was undoubtably on its way... and the next, I'm outside, running up and down the street screaming "WORLD CHAMPS! WORLD CHAMPS!". Grown men crying... airhorns bellowing... and obnoxious, bragadocious cell phone calls to friends from anywhere north of Durham, CT.
Let's recap: 1) Sunday, January 6th... The New York Giants defeat the overrated Tampa Bay Bucs, 24 - 14, winning their first playoff game in the Coughlin-Manning era, thereby securing their own jobs (which, at least in the case of Coughlin, would've been lost almost defintely had this game been lost) and sending the Giants to an unprecedented playoff meeting with their rivals, the heavily favored Dallas Cowboys. Already, in the eyes of most Giants fans, this season is a success. 2) Sunday, January 13th.... The New York Giants defeat the top-seeded Dallas Cowboys, 21 - 17, inflicting the most soul-crushing loss upon Dallas in the last decade, perhaps ever. Eli Manning outplays Tony Romo, who is considered by most of the professional football establishment to be the young Quarterback that Manning was once supposed-to-be. R.W. McQuarters intercepts the ball in the end-zone with 26 seconds remaining to seal the biggest upset of the season, sending the G-Men to the legendary home of the Green Bay Packers and pitting young Eli against the greatest Quarterback thus far in NFL history, Brett Favre. 3) Sunday, January 20th.... The New York Giants defeat the mythic Green Bay Packers, 23 - 20, by an overtime, 47-yd field goal by Lawrence Tynes, after the kicker had previously missed two significantly closer attempts in the fourth quarter. This time, Eli outplays the God of Football, Favre, himself. This NFC Championship, fought on the famous/infamous "frozen tundra of Lambeau Field" becomes an instant classic... and suddenly the Giants are showing an signs of a team of destiny. and then.... 4) Sunday, February 3rd... The New York Football Giants defeat the previously-undefeated New England Patriots, 17 - 14, to accomplish the greatest upset in football history and claim the Superbowl Championship. Following the exponential improvement of his postseason journey thus far, Eli Manning does the impossible, according to the sports media of the world, and outplays Tom Brady. The Giants come together as an epic force of pass-rushing, sound running, and impeccable passing offense... and unseat a team that was only sixty-minutes earlier regarded as the best single-season team of all time. Manning's great escape, and impossible connection with relatively-unknown David Tyree on 3rd and five during the game's final moments, will be a moment remembered in New York until the day the city is razed to the ground... and probably long afterwards. Seconds later, Eli connects with Plaxico Burress for the game-winning touchdown and a trip into history... a history where they will be somehow better remembered that the Patriot team with which they contended.
Honestly, I could rant a hell of alot more... and probably will before next season starts. But I'll wrap this up with the bullet point version of why this victory is so sweet, and then let any Bostonian tell me that they've had a moment in sports that even comes close to equaling something with so many, sweet, sweet layers of celebration: - "The Miracle in the Desert" - Eli Manning to David Tyree. - Eli Manning... Superbowl MVP.... - ... the year following his older brother, Peyton. - Strahan finally gets his ring... alongside the greatest rushing companions he's ever possessed in Tuck and Umenyiora. - Tom Coughlin has become the leader New York has craved since Parcells left. Given a few years more, maybe better... - The Rebirth of the New York "Fuck Boston" sports moment, dead since 2004. - The Greatest "Fuck Boston" Moment yet. Worse than Buckner, worse that Bucky Dent, worse than Aaron Boone. - Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs wear Championship rings now... Tiki Barber does not... - ... and almost certainly will never go to the Hall of Fame now. - Eli Manning, NYG Franchise Quarterback. - "The Giants Secondary actually played the ball on Brady's last moment hail mary passes!" - Shoving Brady's arrogant scoff at Burress' prediction right back in his face... sorry Tom, you didn't even score 17. - I wish I could taunt the Patriots coach after this game... but he suddenly disappeared from the field with 1 sec. left... -... and only showed up a few days later to answer to allegations of cheating... -... and blew the game by going for it on 4 and 13, as he had all year to great, if unsportsman-like, success instead of going for a field goal... which is the exact point difference they ended up losing by... -... and was overall, thoroughly outcoached by Tom Coughlin. - The Patriots dynasty is now immediately lowered to below that of the 49ers and Steelers, and now can never attempt to equal them again.. unless they start all over again. - The Giants dynasty is just getting ready to begin. - We "Stomped You Out"! - Eli outplays Romo... then Favre... then Brady. Suddenly, that Manning name makes sense. - "The Miracle in the Desert"... two miracles, one play... deserves to be mentioned twice. - The Parade in the Canyon of Heroes, where I stood five yards from Strahan, Manning, Coughlin and the Lombardi Trophy. - and, of course, because the New York Football Giants are World Champions.
Well, its been several months of blurry memories, and here we are again. Another year of mind-numbing office labor, and thus, another year of judgemental bloggery. I'm sure there will be several dozen "catch-up" posts in the near-future, the first of which will shortly follow. Just pretend its still topical material... you know, act surprised like that time your parents told you to close your eyes for your 5th-birthday present... and when you opened, all the furniture was gone and you could hear the family sedan streaking away down the block. Good times. Good times.
- San Diego.... Super Chargers! Like many of my favorite teams, like all sports-fans, the San Diego Chargers find a place in my heart simply through the heroic actions of their individual players at a certain moment in time, which contributed to my overall love of football. L.T...... what more can I say? Tomlinson, no matter what theory you could postulate about the AFC Championship injury-controversy, LaDainian is the best running back in the game right now. But, beyond that, given a few more seasons, Tomlinson is the ONLY running back in the league at the moment that you can seriously consider for the title of best running back of ALL TIME. Granted, he's not there yet, but its a very serious possibility. Beyond that, they have the best recieving Tight End in the game's history, Antonio Gates. Its hard not to like the Chargers. And lets be frank... that powder blue jersey is fucking sweet.
#4... Green Bay Packers - Never mind the history... never mind the lore of a team that plays in the most successful professional sports market on the planet, yet is owned by the citizens of a small, rural Wisconsin town that is techincally the smallest market in professional sports.... but look only at Brett Favre. I'm going to comment of Peyton Manning in a moment as the future "best Quarterback of All-Time", but let me say first that Brett Favre is the GREATEST FOOTBALL PLAYER OF ALL TIME... no quotes necessary. The Packers are impossible to hate for anyone besides Chicago, Minnesota and Detroit... and honestly, who gives a fuck about them? Chicago makes the Bronx look like Beverly Hills, the Vikings stole their colors from the Lakers and have the inate ability to cultivate a superstar player... only to send them away after a couple of years for eventual success with anothe team *cough* Moss... soon-to-be Peterson *cough*; and Detroit is a place that not even citizens of Detroit ever want to be. But the Packers are the epitamy of NFC Football. Guts, fight, balls. When Al Pacino performed his famous speech in "Any Given Sunday", he later claimed that he envisioned the Green Bay Packers whilst he was doing it. They are Football. They are Forever. And Favre is Thy God.
#3... Indianapolis Colts - Honestly, how can you not like the Colts? They are like the protaganist of the NFL. They are the classiest organization in the league. You never hear shit-talk from any member of their franchise, and while they have only obtained one title yet, I predict at least two more before the elder Manning retires. And on the subject of the Peyton, let us just admit one thing to ourselves... on a pure, raw skill level... #18 is the best Quarterback to ever play the game. He operates an offense like no other... (although it should be noted by such a Buffalo-whore as I am that the audible-heavy no-huddle offense of the Colts has been done before... in the early 90's behind Jim Kelly)... and attacks secondary's with reckless abandon unseen before in the sports. No... I didn't forget Tom Brady when I said that... because I firmly believe that when playing each other, now, Peyton is the better single player, while Brady plays on the better overall team. Still, he's first round hall-of-fame, as is Marvin Harrison.. and probably will be Reggie Wayne... and probably Joseph Addai.... and maybe even Clark, too. And all of these people are going there because of two men: Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. And you can never take that ring away from them.
#1b... New York Football Giants - Ok... this is very difficult. Speaking personally, when I was a child... I was raised as a hardcore Bills fan. I was born in Kenmore, NY.. which is approximately 3 miles from downtown Buffalo. But, in truth, I was raised in Long Island... where you have two choices of teams to root for.. the Jets or the Giants... and believe me.. the Jets were looking soooooo good after Scott Norwood's fifteen seconds of infamy... but eventually, Igrew a begrudging respect for the Giants. They were a punch-you-in-the-face team. They were never a dynasty... most years they were just as much of a disappoinment, if not more so, than the Bills... but they would always steal a huge game against the Eagles or Cowboys every year... a great "fuck-you!" moment was the true joy of the Giants fan for many-a-season... And by my late teens, I was hooked. So I can't place the Giants as a real number #2. Let me just explain that the only reason I place the Bills always first is simple, stupid loyality. The Giants have won a Super Bowl from time-to-time... but the Bills have not. But I'll leave the Bison-cocksucking for the next entry and just say this... no matter what happens in the upcoming Super Bowl... the New York Football Giants have so far provided me with the happiest sports moment of my entire life... by upsetting the Packers for the NFC Championship in overtime, after upsetting the hated-Cowboys in the divisional, after upsetting the Bucs in the Wild Card.... Whatever happens, I apologize, Eli. Now, I believe.
#1a... Buffalo Bills - Just one. Just one Lombardi trophy before I die. Pleeeeeeeeaaassse. I love you Bruce Smith.
- Since stealing the 1925 NFL Championship, in the most explicit and shamefully obvious display of infantiile-thievery in all of professional football history, the Cardinals have moved from the perennial last-place team of the NFC East in St. Louis, to the easily-forgettable first-round draft pick graveyard of Arizona. "Hooray! We have the best stadium in the NFL!..... But when do we start winning games?" The Cardinals stole their logo from a MLB team, and then proceeded to provide millions of Americans with an easy-win game for their own home team for decades to come. Keep holding your breath for Matt Leinart, Glendale... maybe one day you can watch him lead his team to a Super Bowl... in another city after you trade him for yet another wasted first round pick.
#4... Seattle Seahawks
- The Queens of Lawful Cheating in the NFL. If your team requires a multi-million dollar P.A. system to provide your so-called "12th Man", then you're better off going back to heralding yourself as grunge music's home than pretending to this shit. Let's be honest, Seattle, you are NOT a football town. You are SEATTLE! Drink some fucking coffee and shut the fuck up! You aren't going to win a Super Bowl. So shut up, turn off your P.A. system, and see how loud it is at Quest without it. Who cares, though? You'll still lose in the end.
#3... Philadelphia Eagles
- You don't even have fans, Phily. You have a large gathering of filthy-delphians who buy season tickets in order to hate you with every inch of their souls every single fucking year. Its sad when a fanbase celebrates their reputation for throwing snowballs at Santa. Even if the Eagles won the Super Bowl, which won't happen until you drop McNabb at the very least, you'd still throw feces on him during the victory parade. You celebrate being the worst fans in all of professional sports. You deserve everything that happens to your franchise.
#2... Dallas Cowboys
- "America's Team", huh? Well, if you mean the during the mid-90's, fair enough, I believe you. But remind me how many playoff games you've won since Emmitt Smith retired? Sorry? I couldn't quite hear you? Oh yeah, I forgot... Tony Romo is the future of the game, right? Oh...wait... didn't Eli Manning take his team further into the postseason than Romo ever dreamed? I'm sorry, Dallas, but you're city sucks so bad that every Texan I've ever met had told me that, while they are Cowboy fans, Dallas just plain sucks to even visit. Jesus Christ, in New York... our capital is Albany... and NOBODY outside of this state knows that... because the whole state is centered around New York City. But in Texas, its backwards. Their capital, Austin, is apparently bad-ass and well-reviewed by everyone... but Dallas hasn't done anything for Texas besides providing a large airport and a successful 1980's primetime drama... So get your popcorn ready, "Boy"-lovers, and then cry into a New York Football Giants NFC Championship t-shirt whilst you blame one of your own, ditsy, blonde, fantastically-endowed celebrities for all of your misery. And for the record, Jessica Simpson's tits are worth ten Dallas Cowboy franchises.
#1... New England Patriots
- I put the most ghetto version of the Pats logo up here on purpose. I was quite tempted to put up the ol' gay-ass tri-corner hat wearing, three-point stance bearing, tea-party faggot up instead... but ok, fine, I'll respect your 2000's dynasty enough to at least provide a shadow of your hated-legacy up here. But never before have I seen a more one-dimensional team in NFL history. Seriously, if Tom Brady doesn't play for you, you can't win. Its that simple. You lucked out this time with a late-draft pick. Congratulations. I'm still sure the Pittsburgh Steelers would take issue with your idiotic "best team of all time" claim. So ride the rest of Brady's career, confident in your mad-scientist Belichick... and share a beer with Cleveland when you wonder what went wrong after Brady retires... Pats Fan: "But Bill can't lose! He's a genius!" Browns Fan: "One winning season and thats it.... yes... he can lose."
Alecia Moore, better known as "Pink", and her husband, Carey Hart, are filing for divorce. The paperwork isn't out in the public eye yet, but I'd love to see how you word "discovered unexpected penis" in official court documents. 
#4... Green Bay Packers
#3... Indianapolis Colts
#1b... New York Football Giants
#3... Philadelphia Eagles 
