Big-Uns

Christina Aguilera, who recently gave birth to her first child, was on Ellen this week, presenting the world with an even greater accomplishment than her freshly spawned offspring: her mind-bending new breasts. Let me just take a moment here to say: I FUCKING CALLED IT!

You see, about a decade ago, when this whole teen singer-sexpot thing started up in force with the arrival of Britney Spears, I found myself mired in countless arguments with my sweaty, hormone-factory peers over the fact that I claimed that Ms. Aguilera was going to turn out much hotter than Ms. Spears. And now, how sweet it is. Sure, you could call me obsessive for bragging over a ten-year old argument. But then again, thats because I was right, and you were wrong. COUNT IT! And now, all that remains is for my prediction concerning the return of neon-rimmed sunglasses to style, and my status as the new Nostradamus will be assured. Kneel before me, my children, and watch as I grow drunk with power... and absinthe. Wow. Thats a pretty rainbow sprouting from your head, Dave. Let me get inside that melon of yours and take a closer look at it. *inarticulate screams and the whine of power tools follow*

Exhibit A

The Good Word

Just a month after swearing off nude scenes forever more, Natalie Portman recently conceded that, upon futher review, she had no problem with her oft-downloaded nakedness in Wes Anderson's short, Hotel Chevalier. Futhermore, Portman claimed that she is still very open to appearing nude on film, provided the script warrant it.

Can you hear that? The sound of a child's laughter in the distance? Well, that has nothing to do with this. But my hysterical tears of joy... they might. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wrap up my screenplay: Anal Fist, A Tale of Young Love. Its a period piece. By which, of course, I mean several actresses will be menstruating throughout the film. Sexy. Wait. What the fuck am I talking about?

Source (IDLYITW)...

"You Talking 'Bout Cuba?"

Fidel Castro, founder and leader of the Communist government of Cuba, will abdicate his position today, February 24, 2008. Castro has been the head of state in Cuba since the 1950's Cuban revolution, and will hand over the reigns of power to his brother, Raul; who also aided him in the coup years ago. Castro is now 81 years old.

Well, what is there to say really. In the end, Fidel never truly harmed the United States. As far as we're concerned, he pretty much just made our leadership anxious... for fifty years. So, overlooking the countless Cubans that have fled their homeland as refugees in the last half-century, I'm gonna call no-blood, no-foul on this one. Congratulations on your retirement, o' brutal dictator, not many in your line of work make it this point. Thanks again for making the flexible military cap fashionable, and inspiring ten millions clueless college kids to wear Che Guerra t-shirts for a century to come.

Source (CNN.com)...

Should've Taken That Blue Pill, Lady.

A man in Stony Point, NY, was arrested early this morning for punching his girlfriend in the face repeatedly... as he clung to the roof of her car and swung his fist through the driver's side window as she was driving. The car reportedly travelled more than a mile down the road, colliding with several other cars, before finally coming to a halt. The woman, 37, was charged with felony reckless endangerment; while the male, 42, was charged with misdemeanor assault.

So, apparently, Neo became a spousal abuser in his later years. I never endorse a man who strikes a woman, but as a small piece of advise to the girls out there on the dating scene: avoid black trenchcoat clad men with vacant expressions on their face... and can't stop mentioning "Zion". Actually, as a better rule, just avoid anyone who starts dropping the word "Zion" all over the place. Best case, you've still got a terrorist on your hands, just not the cyber kind. More like the funeral shroud, AK-47-toting kind. Granted, I don't think Osama is participating in many high-speed, vehicular fist-fights these days, with his trick hip and all. Still, if you must ignore this advice... at least promise me you'll install a cow-catcher on the front of your Subaru.

Source (CNN.com)....

Smoking for Dummies

Joss Stone is an idiot. Attractive. But an idiot. Recently she claimed, quite arrogantly, that the Brits are more healthy than Americans because they "smoke hand-rolled cigarettes", also known as "rollies". These smokes, she claims, are far less dangerous than their commercial counterparts. Which is just about as accurate as that commercial, years back, where that teen rolls five cigarettes into one giant cigarette while the announcer proclaims that one gram of marijuana contains the same amount of cancer-causing material as five cigarettes. That is to say, not at all.


The fact of the matter is this: "rollies" are actually far, far more dangerous than commercial cigarettes, and are the rough equivilant to chain smoking three Lucky Strikes back-to-back-to-back. But here is a more obvious fact: who cares?! If you are a smoker, and I am, you've rationalized your habit with your startling lack of self-preservation a long time ago. And if you are going to be that guy that answers an invitation to step outside for a smoke by breaking out a vertiable duffle bag of tools just to construct your ornate nicotine device, why don't you just kill yourself already? Besides, pretty soon you're going to have to excuse yourself to the surface of the Moon just to have a smoke legally. I don't know about you, but I'm strongly considering going back to crack cocaine. You know, for health reasons.


Source (Celebitchy)....

Career Regression

Jessica Simpson, who shows her love for me by not only having a huge rack (crass) but also by depriving the city of Dallas of the will to live (class), is rumored to be in talks for a new reality show, much in the vein of her previous MTV hit, Newlyweds. The show is supposed to be headed for CMT, and from her incestous father's press release will probably try to play Jessica off as a country music songstress.

So, uh.. yeah. Well, that acting career seemed to have run its course. Now its time to run home to your most profitable medium: reality television. And when that runs its course, on comes the softcore pornography... the first in Cinemax history to be accompanied by a music video and album release.

In other Simpson news, Ashlee is still enjoying her lesbian relationship with Pete Wentz. That guy makes Avril Lavigne sound like Slayer.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Dancing With The Has-Beens

The contestants for next season's Dancing With The Stars have been announced, breathing life into the near-forgotten careers of several of its c-list celebrity hopefuls. Although I thought this program had already served its purpose by promoting the inherent hotness of Stacy Keibler beyond the sphere of sweaty 13-year olds watching Monday Night Raw; I applaud its charitable attempt to revive the forgotten Shannon Elizabeth, thereby freeing her from the sphere of sweaty 13-year olds clumsily masturbating to an old VHS of American Pie that they found in their brother's room. But lets take a look at some of her "what-the-fuck" competition. Penn? As in from Penn & Teller?! Um... ok, I guess. I mean, everyone loves a magician who is constantly kind-of a dick. But in a funny way. But Adam Carolla?! How much did you have to pay Jimmy Kimmel to unlock his storage locker and lend him to you for a few weeks? And Jason Taylor?! Unless they mean the 30-ft British robot version of him from the NYG-Miami game in London, I'm not interested (side note: if they ARE talking about that robot, why even have the contest? Just film it laying havoc to downtown Newark or something and split it up into 18 or so, hour-long episodes) And Steve Guttenberg?! Guttes! Don't do it, Mahoney! Did you see what your co-star, Priscilla Presley, looks like now? When did "unholy ghoul" become a fashionable look?

And yes, I made it through this entire post without making a Monica Seles stab-joke. Wait. Whoops.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Lack of Testosterone

Since my gay-homo of a blogging partner fails to realize that there are men out there who prefer an actual picture of a woman, I have to "double-post" Scarlett Johansson. Don't get me wrong, Natalie (ha, she wants me to call her by her first name, take that Keinada) is a lovely specimen. But her boyish figure is run of the mill. I have bigger breasts than she does, however, mine are indeed made out of Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes. I apologize for the sure to be series of sighs from my blogging counterpart, but you must appeal to the masses and not just your own taste. Now if you will excuse me I must go exfoliate my gorgeous face and have some pigs in a blanket. Afterwards I will "watch an excercise video" and vomit said pigs.

-Cambodian Monk-

Update by Keinada: Your logic is as flawed as your ability to properly format a post. We shall settle this dispute like men (fat, lonely, heavily-breathing men)... and hurl accusations at each other's sexuality until a winner is crowned, and a loser must have a very awkward conversation with his parents! And now, the game is afoot! (Oh, and I believe the posting of that third picture of Scarlett marks the 100th time it has appeared on this blog! Your prize? That picture is prize enough, you greedy prick.)

Liz Hurley is Broke.

Elizabeth Hurley is catching flak in the media today for apparent stinginess. According to some sources, Hurley and her new husband never paid their promised donation to the church in which they were wed, and have been paying their maid $2.50/hour. Now, I know I haven't seen Ms. Hurley in many movies lately, but I doubt a woman such as her has ever wanted for money. So I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that Liz Hurley takes perverse, sadistic pleasure from lording herself over local clergy and migrant workers. Then again, I'd clean her house for free. With my tongue. So I guess what I'm saying is that Elizabeth Hurley must be paying her maid in sexual favors. Although, I'm not sure how sexy "si" and "que" and "I need more lemon Pledge" can be. Or if her maid in any way resembles a cast member of 8th Street Latinas.com like she does in my mind.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Everybody Wins

I don't know about you, but I could really get used to this whole Natalie Portman-Scarlett Johansson press tour duo thing. So much so that I'm going to make a motion to the Screen Actor's Guild that these two actresses are now obligated to only be movies wherein the other is already cast. This is like the Dream Team of celebrity worship. I mean, I'm sure Scarlett isn't used to being the "second hottest" girl in the room, but I'm sure we can resolve that debate with a healthy round of shy flirting leading to a few Smirnoff Ices and some good ol' fashion sorority-style "exploration".

Seriously. That pillow fight could end war in our lifetime. Just put it on a loop, construct ten-story tall jumbotrons in every major city, and watch strife and bloodshed grind to a halt forever. Along with the world economy. But hey, if you want a lesbian omelete, you gotta break some socio-political eggs*.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

* - My Dad's closing line for any wedding toast.

SHOCKING!

Guess what? Britney Spears had breast implants back when she was still a teenager. Which is news, I guess... if you didn't have working eyes or a deductive mind back in 1998. Apparently, Spears was encouraged to get the implants by her Mother-of-the-Year candidate, Lynn Spears, and they were later removed after Britney's chest started to naturally develop.

My question is this: did those "breast implants" also serve a slow-release system for Lithium, or some other anti-psychotic? Or maybe just a lojack of some kind so her managers could keep constant track of her whereabouts and activities? Either way, and this is probably the first time I've ever said this, get them sacks o' saline back in there, people! Sure, the damage might already have become irreversable, but if there is a chance... just a small chance that I can be bombarded with endless Britney gossip without accompanying images that make me throw up in my mouth just a bit. Please. After thirteen minutes of Entertainment Tonight, my teeth have already had the enamel stripped completely off.

Source (IDLYITW)...

Sucks for you, Beantown.

Apparently, Paris Hilton was recently in Boston, and treated the locals to her award-winning karaoke and nipple-slip dinner show. After rolling around on a few couches, and warbling some ballad in a buzzing, nasal, insect-like drone, her dress decided to take mercy* on the crowd, and tried to whip the twins out as compensation.

Man, it sucks to be in and/or from Boston these days, huh? Your Golden Age of Sports, which was the subject of almost a century of expectation (and probably a fair number of occult rituals) before it finally came about around 2002, is coming to an end after less than a decade. And your consolation prize is a near-nude visit from Paris Hilton?! Thats the "pity sex" of celebrity nudity... in that it sure would a pity for your genitals if you choose to have sex with her. Then again, syphillis can treated with medication. Losing the Superbowl to the Giants lasts a lifetime.

Its like the entire city that was built on an Indian burial ground. My advice, Boston, is to just for a clean slate. Raze your city to the ground, and then start over a few miles away. But you might want to stop swearing in your Mayor on the Necronomicon, too, just to be safe. And maybe think about ditching those accents. They might be offending God.

* - "Mercy" is apparently a concept not well understood by Versace dresses.

Scientists Animate Blow-Up Doll

Heidi Montag's new single* is being praised... not quite by fans, who have universally panned the YouTube video as one of the worst pop-music efforts in our generation... but by its creators... namely Heidi Montag and her "boyfriend"/overcompensating-closet-case, Spencer Pratt. Pratt was recently quoted as saying that he expected Montag's forthcoming debut album to go "diamond", exceeding ten-million records sold.

Because, of course, Heidi Montag is like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin all rolled into one, suspiciously Real Doll-looking spoiled blond girl. You know, except for the whole "musical talent" thing. And the ability to spell "cat" without using a "K" thing.

Source (TheBlemish)...