These Neighbors Suck

Christina Aguilera has apparently been dealing with complaints from her neighbors regarding she and her husband's late night skinny dipping. For those who didn't know, Aguilera purchased the mansion formerly used to shoot and house the Osbournes. Now she is employing it to have post-pregnancy, midnight sex romps... much to the confusing ire of her neighbors. Yes, those same neighbors that feuded with Osbournes on television.

Alright, I can kinda buy that its extremely annoying living next to the Osbourne family. The novelty of living next to the guy that sang "Crazy Train" can only last so long when you have to see his pig-like, drug-addled, useless socialite children every fucking day when you go to get the paper. But you're actually going to complain about getting a free popstar sex-show every night? Seriously? Even if you don't find this girl attractive (which is the first sign of senility... your doctor wanted me to tell you), surely the shameless profiterring to be made would be enough to curb your complaints. But no. Apparently, these people are the worst... neighbors... ever. Like the kind that finds your cat wandering in their backyard... and then kill it instead of calling you. Good people, you know. And yes, I did just liken killing kittens to rebuffing a shot to spy on a naked Christina Aguilera. Thats an analogy of S.A.T.-worthiness.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Hilary Duff... Interesting.

Hilary Duff, who was once an orange rectangle before transforming into Kylie Minogue, is apparently trying her hand at non-Disney funded movie with her upcoming effort: War, Inc., wherein she plays a sexy Russian pop star. I'm sure there are other details about this movie, most likely relating to the "War" part, but I don't really care. I'm more interested to see how much method acting Ms. Duff opts to go for. After all, it is a scientifically accepted fact that all female Russian pop stars are lesbians... or at the very least, curiously bisexual. I'm pretty sure its written in the Russian constitution at some point. I mean, we could pretty much make them do anything we wanted back in 1990. I hear that the President made the Premier slam-dance for several hours, to the amusement of all in attendance, before he would even lend them five bucks. Also... every October 9th, its Hawaiian Shirt Day for the entire city of Moscow. Any who fail to comply will be shot.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. In either case, here's a picture of Hilary from the aforementioned movie film. I am hope to you enjoy, please. In Soviet Union, Movies Watch YOU! Ha ha ha! Nothing's funnier than mass starvation and cold, wintery death. You Russkies are classic.

Sarah Jessica Parker is pissed.

Sarah Jessica Parker has been named the Unsexiest Woman in the World by Maxim magazine. And ol' Cthulu herself is none too pleased about it:

"Do I have big fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not. Am I really the unsexiest women in the world? Wow! It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger. It upset him (Broderick), because it has to do with his judgement too. It's condemnation, it's insane. What can I do? I guess you can't please all people."

Firstly: Sarah Jessica Parker is not the ugliest woman in the world. She is the ugliest woman in the world... to people with penises. I've gotten into plenty of arguments with women over this one... since they must defend Carrie Bradshaw like the Knights Templar defend the Holy Grail. They contend how well she "wears her features" and "what a great body she has, regardless". Well, when you add "regardless" to a compliment about someone's body, then that should already tell you what condition the upper 10% of it is in. And how does one "wear her features" well? She wears makeup and dresses that hope to draw the eye towards the cleavage and away from her Gorgon-like visage? Listen, women: if you guys think Ms. Parker is so irresistable, why don't you guys fuck her? Because, honestly, we don't want to.

Oh God, its fucking looking at me! Back! Back, I say! *grabs fiery torch*

Source (IDLYITW)...

Klepto-breasts

Winona Ryder is at it again. Ha ha ha. What an original opening line... oh, I'm so clever. Anyway, Ms. Ryder was recently stopped at a Hollywood pharmacy after setting off the alarm the other day. Apparently, Winona had a few small items in her bag that she hadn't paid for. Uh-oh.

Honestly, I don't even really care. For one thing, this story was fresh around the other end of this decade (side note: isn't that kind-of depressing?). Second, it sounds like the items in question totaled roughly three dollars. I'm fairly certain Winona could've paid this off with the spare change in her purse. Nevertheless, I'm putting this up here purely because Winona Ryder has some surprisingly fantastic breasts. I don't care if they might be klepto-breasts, although I must admit that sounds like a pretty nasty disease. I just encourage scandilous gossip in the hope that it will drive career's so far into the gutter that a nude photospread/graphic sex scene is the only way an actress can revive themselves from C-list purgatory.

Wait, no! I've given away my Master Plan! Ruined! Sixteen years of meticulous planning! NOOOO! Damn you, Winona Ryder! Damn your harlot tits! I guess I actually have to go back to vocational school now... *sigh*. My parents aren't gonna let me hear the end of this one. You'd think they'd encourage their son to follow his dreams, but noooOOOOooooo. Sure, those dreams included wiping out their bank accounts and relocating to Eranakis, El Salvador to pursue my lifelong aspiration to promote the nudity of famous people. But children are a responsibility, Mom and Dad, and like a young sapling... you must provide water to allow me to grow. If you really think about it... it was YOU guys who let me down by grounding me for two weeks when I sold my sister's kidney on eBay. So... I think that means that instead of punishment, you owe me a present. I could use a HoverRound. If you can't afford it, I'll just take Grandma's and call it even. I'm glad we had this talk.

Source (IDLYITW)...

Sushi = Vagina

Kate Beckinsale recently appeared in Mean magazine and gave the scientifically-awesomest interview a jaw-droppingly attractive celebrity can give. Within, she describes wanting to drop babies out of high-rise windows... and ultimately admits she'd rather taste vagina than sushi. The reasoning: "...because at least vagina is warm." Without fail, this popped up on every blog on the internet within four minutes of publication, and garnered the predictable response ranging from the Lord Byron-esque "Duuuude... do you know what? I'd like to watch her eat pussy!"... to the awkwardly feminine "How can she dislike sushi if she hasn't tasted it?"

Hence, I will not go on a huge, tasteless rant about how rigidly erect this article makes me. Nor will I address the blatantly obvious point about the people from the Anti-Asian Cuisine Defamation League. Instead, I will just say this:

Kate Beckinsale is flawless.

Seriously. The only way she could've topped this one for me was if she happened to say she'd rather eat Natalie Portman's vagina. While I watch.... Star Wars movies whilst they lez out in the next room. Hey! Keep it down in there! Its the Snow Battle scene! Jesus... hot, ridiculous lesbian sex* is alot louder than you'd think.

Ok, I kinda drifted off on this one. But, seriously, Kate Beckinsale just mildly alluded to licking snatch... albeit in joke form. BUT SHE STILL SAID IT, GOD DAMN YOUR EYES! Don't you dare take this away from me.

* - Ridiculous Lesbian Sex = Picture two perfect women making out. Now, in your mind's eye, turn them into clowns. NOW, never be able to attain an erection for the rest of your days. Your welcome.

Source (TheBlemish)...

Seperated at birth?

Honestly, I've got nothing that will top that. Except this:

For liability reasons, the above picture must be clicked upon to be view. This picture contains no pornographic, violent and/or offensive imagery. It will, regardless, drive you completely insane. Look what happened to me.

...so, in summation: E.T. is a butterface.

The Incredible Hulk - Take 2

The trailer for the new, reimagined Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton, came out recently. Admitedly, it looks halfway decent, continuing the bewildering trend of surprisingly hype-worthy superhero movies being released this summer; a trend started by Iron Man. But I, being the colossal nerd that I am, am actually more interested in the villian in this movie than I am the hero... mainly because they made Abomination bare a striking resembelance to a mildly-more human (and I stress "mildly") version of the Berserker from Gears of War. Like copyright infringement-style resembelance.

Still, its already better than Ang Lee's effort a couple of years back. Then again, the orange-brown pile of cat puke my serfs* left infront of my bedroom door to greet me with the pleasant sensation of cold, slightly-viscous animal bile between my toes first thing in the morning was a better adaptation of the Incredible Hulk as well, so I don't know how much you wanna read into this. Maybe its better if you just read the comic book and took out the trash for your mother. Honestly, how hard is that to do? She's been asking you to do it all day.

* - Yes. I treat my cats as medieval serfs. After all, I feed them and shelter them. Why shouldn't I keep half of their annual crops?

Unaltered pics of Abomination and the Hulk... w/trailer...

I'm liking this girl...

Anne Hathaway's got the right idea. From now on, all Disney-bred teen starlots are to follow this example. I know I've ranted about Ms. Hathaway on here before, plenty of times as a matter of fact. But I was just casually rifling through IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay.com, and began noticing that not a single article about her lacked an interesting title. Lets run down the list, which is available at the bottom of the page as well:

A) She is probably bisexual.

B) She drinks Absinthe, a powerful alcoholic drink known to cause hallucinations.

C) She has appeared nude in two movies already, and nearly naked in two more.

D) Her charitable contributions to Nicaragua and Honduras are suspect.

E) She is a steaming, hot piece of ass.

A + B + C + D + E = Erection for me. Permanently. Like seriously. Can somebody help me with this over here? Everytime I turn around, I accidentally knock my coffee off my desk. Anyways, let this be a lesson to the rest of you. You can still be percieved as smart and beautiful AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD be a harlot of the film industry. Best of all, you can do all of this before you're 25th birthday. Now get to it. I'm not paying you to sit around, all clothed and sober. In fact, I'm not paying you at all. Count it (i.e. the royality I must now pay the writers and producers of Family Guy).

Anne Hathaway digs chicks...

...and absinthe...

...and nudity (yeah, I know I've done this one before.. shut up)...

...and fucking over charities...

...All Source (IDLYITW)...

What does Missy Peregrym have to do with the Giants?!

Just a brief New York Football Giants smile for you today. I was browsing through some blogs this morning, when I stumbled upon a site with a fine taste in the ladies. Enclosed are a few pictures of the sinfully attractive Missy Peregrym snatched from this blog. But while I was browsing through, I noticed that this was essentially a hardcore Boston sports fan site, merely peppered with breasts every two of three posts. Therefore, I decided to leaf through a few pages of the archives section, and see just how classy these "diehard" Patriots fans had been in the days leading up to Super Bowl XLII, and how they handled it afterwards.

What follows is a case study in karma. Much like most of the Patriots fans online, this lead-up and let-down follows a fairly predictable pattern. For the ENTIRE regular season, contributors ran the table between statistical breakdowns of New England's supposedly never-duplicated offensive genuis... all the way down to the rambling rant about their ultimate supremacy which reads more like the Bible than it does a reasoned argument (i.e. to believe a word of it, you have to have "blind faith"... and a healthy dislike for logic). Once the postseason comes along, it pretty much just devolves into an obnoxious verbal trashing of every upcoming team, laced with statements of complete fucking surity that not only with the Pats beat their opponent, but will blow them out in record setting postseason victories (it should be noted that every fan purposefully ignores the Patriots defensive drop-off in the last quarter of the season). Finally, comes all of the sure-thing Giants defeat posts, the insulting and name calling, and ridiculous claims about the G-Men being the worst team to ever make it to a Super Bowl.. then playing against the best to ever do it.


And then, finally, after the game we have the same result as around the rest of the net: one, half-hearted, very bitter and ill-thought out argument about how the Giants either lucked or cheated their way to victory... followed by the obligatory "Yankees Suck" comment and the inauguration of this year's baseball and basketball trash talk. So, in honor of all the pitiful children over there in Pats nation, here's a free plug for one of your favorite sites. Too bad you can't change the score back from Feb. 3, no matter how many times you reference the Red Sox world championship. Nice taste in chicks though. Thats about the only nice thing I can say.

Source (BarstoolSports.com)...

Return of the Sextogenarian Pimp

Heather Mills has reportedly been awarded more than $50 million in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney. The former couple seperated in May, 2006 and almost 4 years of marriage, and have had a very ugly public relationship afterwards. Since then, Mills has become the self-described "most hated woman in Britain". The two have a four-year old daughter together, named Beatrice.

Well, Ms. Mills finally got her paycheck. After two years of classless behavior regarding her own divorce, including a hilarious stint on Dancing With The Stars, Mills is walking away with nearly 3% of Paul McCartney's financial empire. Three. Entire. Percent. I'm sure Paul is home crying to his countless acolades, awards and still Scrooge McDuck-like bank account. Meanwhile, Heather Mills has left an entire country wishing her leg had lost the rest of her body, and not the other way around. So was it worth it? Well, god knows I'd felate a wild boar for $50 million. Hell, I might even have sex with Heather Mills. But then again, I'm a whore. So, I guess if Ms. Mills can fess up to being a whore... than maybe the public will find it in their hearts to forgive her. If not, she can use her new money to build herself a Darth Vader-esque suit and show the same grace and compassion of an amputee that Anakin Skywalker showed so many years ago (i.e. genocide on a galactic scale)

In the meantime, somebody get poor old Paul a new woman. Remember people, we've got to comp this guy on drinks and women for life... he did co-write most of The White Album, after all. Hence, I've thrown an available "bird" up there for your consideration. I'm not actually sure whether or not Rachel Stevens is married or not... but if she is it doesn't really matter, does it? This is the "cute Beatle" after all. Not to be confused with my pet beetle, Gargamel, who is "passable" at best.

Source (Celebitchy)...

Rule Number 165: Never Let A Fellow Crasher Steal Cambodian Monks Girl

Well it seems that Owen Wilson is still able to troll Hollywood and find another "Hottie" to start to date. Accordings to Star, Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston are apparently an "item". They are currently filming Marley & Me, and have been seen flirting and cuddling off camera according to a cre member. "In between takes they were holding on to each other", one crew member said. "They are very friendly", another crew member told Star.

Now, I am sure that there is something that attracts Jennifer to Owen. Maybe it's the "I tried to kill myself" schtick that I am suuure Owen is still pimping. Oh, stop that, I went there and I'm not taking it back. But on a lighter note, why does he insist on not getting his nose fixed? It looks like Edvard Munch drew his nose on with finger paint. Look at it, it's like the crooked birch tree I have in my backyard. Another thing, what happened to my "pseudo in my dream girlfriend"? I saw her the other night, we had a lovely lunch* together and she was stunning. But it seems that Owen has made her age a little since that night. Don't get me wrong, she is still my number one, but I am not sure that her 40's are going to be a good time for her. I do like her hair in this picture, but she is aging progressively fast. Someone quickly tell her to go back to Never Never Land. Peter Pan should have never let Rufio take her to the "real world" and then leave her there. If anything, he should have dropped her off at the "Dago Ranch"** so that she may be loved and cared for. I would never let her walk on the beach barefoot, those jellyfish are crafty. I hear they can walk on sand now....that was weak I know, but what do you want from me?

Source

*I set up tea cups and a small table with my GI Joe action figures. I taped a picture of Jennifer on all of involved, Duke, Snow Job and Snake Eyes. And I spoke to her as if she was in the room. She never answered my marriage proposal.
**My bedroom....it consists of a mechanical bull and hard wood flooring, for square dancing purposes. There are cowboy hats on the wall along with my underwear hanging over the bar. By bar I mean my closet with the doors open. It's really cool. The whole kit can be purchased for $19.92 from TurnYourRoomIntoADagoRanch.com.

-Cambodian Monk-

Poor Little Rich Girl

Kim Kardashian recently told a reporter that she has been cheated on by every guy she's ever dated, save the first one. I'd go on to quote from the article, but you know what, lets skip Kardashian's probably-Shakespearian quality tale of love and loss, and jump right into the meat of the matter. The meat, of course being, Kim Kardashian's huge ass. DAAAAAAAAMN, etc. etc.

Seriously though, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Kim Kardashian's definition of "boyfriend" goes something like this: "a hottie that I totally went down in the V.I.P. room at_______ (fill in posh club name here)." Also, and this is a message to all women, its hard to take you seriously when you say you've had your heart broken... and two nights later your fucking some other dude. Still, condolences to Kim. We can only pray that your millions of unearned dollars, italian sports cars, and father's obnoxiously large house (bought with the blood money of a thousand guilty men let free) will comfort you.

Personally, when a girl "breaks my heart", I handle it by rubbing one out to Kim Kardashian. Oooh! There's another coping mechanism for you! Stare at yourself in a mirror and masturbate vigorously. Repeat three times a day for six weeks, always with makeup on, and never after eating. At the conclussion of the six week term, collect all videotaped observation of your "treatment" and send it me, care of my penis. Thats about the best advice I can give to you. Oh, and that you have a HUGE ASS. Just thought you should be reminded again.

Source (TheSuperficial)...

I like where this is going...

Catherine Zeta-Jones is going around stirring up rumors that she will appear nude in her next film. Surprisingly, Zeta-Jones has been complaining about how she is too often portrayed in "motherly" roles, often in family and/or romantic comedies. The 38-year old actress claims she has yet to reach her "sexiest point" yet, and is hoping to cultivate her sexual appeal for future roles.

Yes. Yes, I would like to see you naked, Mrs. Michael Douglas. I will admit that you are nowhere near the top of my list of celebrities I'd like to see naked (#1... Larry Bud Melman), but I think I'm ready to take this relationship to the next step (the previous step being politely ignoring you... the next one being frantically masturbating to you). But more so than the actual nudity, I like the message this fine woman is conveying. She should do some motivational speaking to the younger generation of actresses, detailing how Oscar-winning actresses are not only fine with doing nudity on screen... but also crave it. Like a lioness craves sweet, sweet leopard meat. Ok, sure, lions don't eat leopards usually. But in the playground that is my mind, they do it all the time, baby. Wearing jet packs, and wielding broadswords, I might add. Seriously, it IS pretty awesome.

Anyways, good for you, Catherine *spoken with flawless, British diction*. Way to be a cougar. (hmmm.. a cougar... fighting a lion... fighting a leopard... on a PIRATE SHIP! QUICK! Someone call Hollywood! Tell them Admiral Creativity has got another one!)

Source (IDLYITW)...