Ok, a little late on this one, but then again its the Emmy's, and save for the Tony's or Grammy's there is not greater waste of time. However, seeing how I tend to suckle the proverbial teet (read: anus) of Hollywood, what kind of "journalist"* would I be if I didn't at least make an attempt on covering the event. Furthermore, what kind of "man" would I be if I didn't abrasively judge these celebrities upon their taste in fashion, bludgeoning them with my keen sense of style like a flannel-clad drifter taking a meat tenderizer to a promiscious teen's skull behind a beat-up Dodge Dart, parked on Makeout Point.
Christina Aguilera represented pregnant, slutty clowns everywhere in the coutour dress. The black bow over her "baby bump" is, of course, a reminder of the 17 celebrity babies lost during the standoff at Snake Mountain. When asked for comment, Aquilera stated: "No one could ever understand the sacrifice made by those heroic, commando babies on that fateful September morning...we can only hope that one day that monster, Skeletor, can be brought to justice."
Hayden Panetierre looked radiant in gold, which proved useful in reflecting sunlight to blind the eyes of several former pedophiles in attendance. When asked for comment, one pedophile responded "My eyes! I'm sorry Lord! I can change, God, I can change my sinner's ways!" before blindly rushing into nearby, oncoming traffic. 
Ali Larter showed off her taste for red velvet window curtains, looking hot enough to break your dick off forcibly during sex. Literally. And probably eat your brain for power as well. Still, totally worth it.
This chick from that show Ugly Betty, whose title immediately accomplished reverse advertising for me, wore a form-fitting blue dress that, while mildly disgusitng me, was sure to drive fellow blog contributor, SlapChicken, as well as several thousand chubby-chasing black men literally "off the chain". Which, of course, means many a quotation of the word "Damn" in varying tones and inflections.
Eva Longoria looked stunning in this sparkling number, but was "left hanging" for over 30 minutes by Awards Show Celebrity Burn Master, Tommy Lee Jones. Additionally, Jones was later spotted keying Longoria's limo and charging large room service bills to her hotel suite. Why Tommy Lee Jones, you ask? Because 'ol T.L. knows the finer points of proper Southern inhospitality.Oh, and he totally hates Eva Longoria. You heard it here first.
Tina Fey made this SUNDAY night.. come ALIVE in this slim, black dress. She was no MEAN GIRL, as she dazzled the onlooking crowd with her 30 ROCK of crack cocaine. Wait. That can't be right. Who the fuck is copywriting this shit?! ... Oh... it is right? Huh. Ok.. so, uh yeah, Tina Fey smokes crack. Awards Show Prompter Writer Journalism at work.
Mary Louise Parker went with this sleak red number to show off her hourglass figure, which caused several male fans in attendance to riot after realizing that they sat through 3-hours of Fried Green Tomatoes with their respective girlfriends whilst two such alluring breasts were concealed from their view for the duration.
And speaking of concealed breasts, Jennifer Love Hugetits apparently forgot her trademark accessory on her other chest the other night. Otherwise, how do you explain tihs. Sure, she looks fantastic regardless, but I'm just pondering the sheer physics of displacing such a mass. If they are, infact, still there, my guess is by the point this picture was taken the pressure of containment alone might have broken several of poor Jennifer's ribs.
And that about raps it up for the Emmy's. Oh, except that the Sopranos won. Which proves that the governing body of the show is pretty much composed of a half-filled bucket of frozen fish heads. And Steve Perry.
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