Hayek Gives Birth; Earth's Destruction Averted

Salma Hayek, Mexico's contribution to the collective human gene pool, gave birth to a baby girl, with her French businessman fiance yesterday. The child, Valentina Paloma Pinault, is Hayek's first child. The new parents are planning to wed in the near future.

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Wooo. *wipes brow* That was a close one. Seriously, scientists should've stepped in earlier and warned Ms. Hayek that her pregnancy, more specifically the additional mass acrued by her her already tremendous breasts, could've caused the Moon to slip out of its traditional orbit due to the gravatic shift of such enormous twin satellites suddenly exerting force upon it. Inevitably, our lunar sister would've been drawn to Salma's ridiculous pregnancy tats, eventually crashing into Earth's atmosphere and setting it ablaze. Thankfully, now they will only attract heterosexual men once more, which are far less likely to achieve combustion of the atmosphere. Except for me, of course, cause I'm always blazing. Like Buffalo Wing Doritos, motherhugger. Count it.

Source (Celebitchy)...