Listen, nobody gets excited to vist a wax museum. Nobody.

Victoria Beckham, also known as "Posh Spice" (if you're brain is stuck in nineteen-ninety fucking six) is apparently upsetting the applecart 'round the L.A. celebutante scene. According to reports, celebrities are up in arms about Beckham being a little too obvious about something that every last celebrity does almost all the time: putting in "anonymous" tips to the paparazzi regarding where she is going so they will show up beforehand and provide a free photoshoot for her. Of course, celebs only want to maintain the illusion that they don't do this so they are still free to complain about the shutterbugs whenever they please.
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But get this, the Jimmy Dean-Queen, her holiness Britney Spears the 1st, has actually gone as far as to give her the mean girls treatment and refuse to eat lunch near her. What's next? Paris Hilton toilet papers her locker and Lindsay Lohan tells the whole school she caught the clap from the captain of the football team?
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And yes, like every blogger, I am contractually obligated to ask if Ms. Beckham forgoes using makeup anymore in favor of just having her entire body laminated. Or maybe she just sends a Real Doll of herself to all of these press functions. Either way, I will still admit I'd have sex with her. But then again, I've been known to put the moves to my grandmother's plastic covered couch on more than one occasion. What slutty furniture she has.




One of many sites that has this story....(CelebSlam)

Take A Bow

This is a bit belated, but it took the usual two day recuperation period before I gained control of my consious mind again. I needed to drain the awesomeness out first. (Fun Fact: "Awesomeness" is a viscous, amber-colored fluid that smells like chocolate chip cookies. Matt Bellamy's blood is composed equally of this, and "Sexulite")

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So, yeah. Me and the boys, STeev and SlapChicken included, went to see Muse at Madison Square Garden on Monday night. After some hilarious, and borderline fist fight-inducing, drunken antics at Penn Station, we were then privy to 2 hours of ball-milking musical insanity. And here follows my overly adoring review:

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Opening with "Knights of Cydonia", and concluding with "Take A Bow", this show was kind-of like the bizarro version of the first Muse show I saw at Hammerstein Ballroom, one year and three days earlier. They pretty much hit every song they'd hit last time, but in a strange near-reverse order. Oh, and this time, in a fucking arena setting. The crowd was actually a little bit more tolerable this time around as well, and I think everyone in attendance would agree that this may have been the fastest feeling concert they'd ever been to, despite the fact that the band played a 19-song set. Up-down-and-sideways, Muse continues to embarass most other supposed rock groups of today with its note-perfect blinding energy, not only perfectly matching the intensity of these songs' studio-recorded counterparts but surpassing them with clever variations and all manner of intuitively-styled personal signatures applied to their own classics, as if each song just came out of Matt, Chris and Dominic's collective head right then and there, and not as long as ten years ago in a studio halfway around the world.

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I'll cut the rest of this piece short, if only so any other blog contributor here can add their own two cents if they please. If not, they are weak of mind, and should be pitied my dear children, not hated. But I'll leave you with the setlist for the show, and advise you, with all the sincerity I could ever muster: should Muse come within 100 miles of your hometown and you choose not to go to the show, you might as well just smash your nuts (fingers, I guess for the ladies) on a rock repeatedly.

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Setlist - Madison Square Garden, August 6, 2007.
1. Knights of Cydonia

2. Map of the Problematique

3. Hysteria

4. Supermassive Black Hole

5. City of Delusion

6. Butterflies and Hurricanes
7. Hoodoo

8. Feeling Good

9. Apocalypse Please

10. Sunburn

11. Invincible

12. Starlight

13. Time is Running Out

14. New Born

15. Plug in Baby (+ Balloons!)

Encore

16. Soldier's Poem

17. Unintended

18. Stockholm Syndrome

19. Take a Bow

Historical Figures vs. Celebs: Round 1!

Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes

vs.

"Party Girl" Tara Reid














This is definitely a tough one with both opponents causing great deals of carnage in their own unique ways. Lets get to know them a little bit better.

Vlad "The Impaler" Tepes was the ruler of Wallachia for three separate reigns during the 15th century. He was the inspiration for Bram Stoker's classic novel Dracula. He is alleged to have instituted a great deal of horrific punishments against his enemies. His favorite was impalement, his preferred technique was to tie a horse to each of his victim's limbs and then insert a well-oiled but not too sharp stake into the anus and forced into the victims body, sometimes till it came out of their mouth. If that wasn't enough a French black metal band named them selves, you guessed it, Vlad Tepes. Can he take down one of Hollywood's favorite C-List Celebs!

"Party Girl" Tara Reid (a.k.a. Hollywood Party Girl)- Tara appeared in some of America's favorite(?) teen comedies and dated superstar athletes Sergei Federov, Tom Brady, Jeremy Shock, and some tennis guy, oh and who can forget her engagement to Mr. Why-Is-He-Famous himself Carson Daly. Following here short lived almost-a-career peak Ms. Reid became one of the most infamous of the already despicable party girls of Hollywood. We already know that Tara could drink Mr. Tepes under every table in Wallachia but could she survive his torture methods?!? Well she did have a few rounds of botched plastic surgery and again she was engaged to Carson Daly, I personally think impalement would be less painful.

Who will win this Battle Royale?!?!?!?!?!? Leave your thoughts and predictions in the comments and we will find out the results in a few days!


STeev

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you.....

In recent years too many of my favorite bands have lost members, gone on indefinite hiatus, or split up. Below are the saddest loses in the opinion of one music snob:

The Beta Band- I first saw this gents open for Radiohead two days in a row, and caught them at very New York gig after that. Though like so many original bands they just didn't have enough "commercial appeal", whatever that means. They split in 2004, though they continue in various other projects including: King Biscuit Time, The Aliens, and The General and Duchess Collins.




The Cooper Temple Clause- I fell in love with TCTC after reading a blurb about them in NME on the Metro North. I bought there debut album as an import for a hefty price, but I was not disappointed. After continuing to evolve from album to album proving to be one of the most interesting "guitar-rock" bands. Alas after losing their bassist Didz Hammond and releasing another amazing album the band called it quits in early 2007.


Grandaddy- How does one describe Grandaddy? In the words of the official Emperor of this blog:
"Imagine a family of deers grazing a field of broken toasters". Their breakthrough release "The Sophtware Slump" is a must have indie record, so buy it, now! The final album "Just Like the Fambly Cat" was released a few months after the band announced their split in 2006.


Ash- Though I owned Ash's debut "1977" and was a fan I didn't truly fall in love until "Free All Angels", another must own. After their album "Meltdown" guitarist Charlotte Hatherley left the band in 2006. Luckily for us Charlotte has released two mind-blowing solo albums. And the original members Tim, Mark, and Rick have just a released the album "Twilight of the Innocents".


Included below is a link to a super special (not a virus) musical treat:

Single tear....

STeev

Pipe Slider... Ha!...juvenile.

Yuko Mizano and Ayako Miyake. Apparently the next step in human evolution is becoming rendered by SquareSoft.

This really isn't current news, but then again what is on this site? I just thought I should note that G4's "Ninja Warrior", and especially its sister show "Women of Ninja Warrior", are a great case argument in the insanity and overall superiority of the Japanese. Sure, we beat them in World War II.... and then they proceeded to show us how capitalism is really done. And technological development. And work ethic. And a the mean average of attractive women in the population. And giant-fighting robots.

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First off, look at these women above. Granted, their are literally millions of hotter Japanese women. But these two are more than passible, not to mention that they can conquer a 300 yard obstacle course, tough enough to fell Olympians regularly, in under 120 seconds. I'm also fairly certain both can conjure fireballs with the power of their chi.

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And anyone who is seething to pick apart that assessment of Japanese socio-evolution as being far too generous (whilst waving an American flag and bellowing about the immortality of your Ford pickup, and second mortgage you had to take out just to fill the tank), let me just direct your comments to the aforementioned giant-fighting robot, which will soon take up the Japanese ambassadorial seat to the U.N.

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Kofi Annan: "I would kindly ask the gentlemen from Japan to please retake his seat!"

Voltron E. Gundam: "And I would kindly ask the secretary general to accept my apology..."

Kofi Annan: "Of course, my good sir---"

Voltron E. Gundam: "....in the form of six thousand rounds of depleted uranium from my fourteen shoulder-mounted gattling guns!"

*cue cherry blossoms across the screen*

Be My Dad, Christopher Walken

Another little nugget of gold (but not the regular kind... this is SPACE NINJA GOLD!) from the folks over at the Blemish, this one concerning everyone's favorite "Is he kidding?" actor, Christopher Walken. Apparently, a panel doing press for Balls of Fury recently shared some Master Walken anecdotes from the set, and provided reinforcement to my belief that 'ol Chris is secretly the funniest man alive..... to himself.... and me.
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'Apparently, Christopher Walken doesn’t know what the symbol @ means. He was furious when changes were made to the script and he couldn’t pronounce the “word”.
In other Walken wackiness, one day on the set he brought in a birthday cake and sat next to it with a sad look. He pretended it was his birthday and sat around as the rest of the crew sang Happy Birthday to him over and over. He did this three times over the course of shooting the film.'
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That just may be the most unsettling, yet hilarious joke I've heard in a looooooong while. Any attempt at humor that leaves most people debating whether that was a joke or a quiet cry for help is Shakespearian in my book. Of course, I should mention that MY book was deemed unfit for publication due to a copyright disagreement with the Necronomicon. You know, ancient Sumeria, you used to be cool man. Now, I just don't know.
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I just don't know.

"I'm trying to bang this broad, Hen-dree!"

Former Supermodel and Kind-of Actress Angie "The Actually-Hottest Redhead You Will Ever See (*cough* in 1994 *cough*)" Everhart recently got engaged to Joe "Why Is Everyone Laughing At My Legitimate Speech Impediment?" Pesci. Now, I'd usually make some remarks about how unfair and/or counter-Darwinian Evolution this coupling is... but frankly, one time I saw him beat Phil Leotardo nearly to death for bringing up his old shoe-shine job in a not-too respectful manner. Which is another way of saying that I've watched "Goodfellas" enough times now to have substituted my actual memories for a DVD cross-section of the film, resulting in a major legal discrepancy between myself and the good people over at Lufthansa.
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Besides, I hear she's from the Five Towns, and that could work out to be a big score someday.
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On a side note: it is surprisingly difficult to find a really decent picture of Angie Everhart through Google, as evidenced above. Sure, there's pictures, but what happened to the ones where I'm looming in the background, naked except for my X-ray specs and a generous coat of strawberry preserves whilst carrying the rear-bumper for a 1982 Toyota Arrow. Ah, what an Earth Day that was.

What's statutory mean?

Hayden Panettiere, one of the stars of "Heroes" and alarmingly-still 17 years old, is still out begging to inspire legally-questionable thoughts out of a generation of men. Actually, I'm fairly certain that saying her name outloud three times infront of a mirror summons "To Catch a Predator" like the Candyman. Which, of course, leads to suicide.
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More pictures to feel slightly guilty over at the Blemish

Avril Lavigne wants to be invited to the cool kids' parties

Yeah, so these pictures of Avril Lavigne started popping up around the internet this week.....and by popping up I mean that literally every celebrity-gossip based website seems contractually obligated to post them. Because.... we didn't know that Avril Lavigne had breasts before now? Supple, alabaster, perky breasts barely restrained by a pink bikini top? Drawing my eyes upon them like iron fillings to a magnet? With such force that although I'm looking at this picture through my wireless internet whilst driving down the expressway, I cannot turn my eyes away... even though a flaming, out-of-control tractor trailer is currently barrelling down the road in the wrong direction directly towards me? Uh-oh.
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In all seriousness, this picture could've told you this girl has an amazing body years ago. But here's a lesson for ya girls. Ye who dress like goth chick, but is far too attractive to be an actual goth chick, sends off just one message to guys: "I have no sense-of-self and am therefore very easy to emotionally manipulate." Just saying.
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But please don't stop. I need to feed on your emotions to sustain my eternal, youthful beauty and supernatural feats of strength.
Thanks to the Blemish for this story. More pics, and a damn funny website overall through the link.

Late, but still pretty...

The 01-18-08, or Cloverfield, poster was released a little while back, and it features absolutely no new information, save for letting us know what the rest of the Statue of Liberty looks like now that its head is located somewhere either in Williamsburg or the Lower East Side (depending on how you interpret the ambigious geography of the trailer). But still...... it is pretty.

Oh man, this movie looks like it will be so awesome that I just might kill myself when I finally see just how badly it will probably suck.

Lindsay Lohan of the 88 Powers

God, I'm tired of writing about this girl. Well, if nothing else, she provides me with excuses to talk about ocularly-pleasing women... and then contrast them to to this saggy red bag of refuse.

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Lindsay Lohan, better known as Marduk the Destroyer, has another "close friend" running around claiming that Lohan is full or herself and has been shit-talking other contemperary actresses. Now, I'm not foolish enough to not notice that a new "close friend" of Lindsay's is coming out everyday with a new horror story about Ms. Lohan's superhuman bitchakinetic powers. To be fair to the girl, at this rate, you'll find her running down Wilshire Blvd. next week in a loincloth and red cape screaming "Drive the Persians to the cliffs!", before shoving old ladies into traffic. However, I will concede, I wouldn't entirely be surprised if that turned out to be true also.

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I was originally going to put up contrasting pictures of Lindsay vs. the actresses she had judged unworthy of Lohanship, but after five minutes of assembling a counter-argument to "Scarlett Johansson is fat, ugly with no talent", I realized no one needs one. Thats like Hitler saying that Anne Frank was a genocidal monster. Or the sun saying that the moon was too yellow and blinding. Or like me saying that women look better in lipstick and eyeliner than I do. Its all just so obviously not true. And besides, this peach rouge really brings out my eyes.

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So instead, I'm starting a little project to list off 50 people that I can think of right off the top of my head that are hotter than Lindsay Lohan. Of course, omitting the legless bum who dances for nickels outside my apartment. And of course, "dances" means "performs graphic and rough sex acts with" in my neighborhood. It causes alot of problems at block parties.

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Top 50 Girls better looking than Lindsay Lohan (coming soon)

Random Portman of the Moment

Its like a pretentious hipsters wet dream. Scantily-clad Natalie ontop of a pile of books. Of course, if it were a real pretentious hipster, all of these books would remain unread....or at the most have copies of Spin inside.

No Michael Vick Jokes, I swear

Actor Ving Rhames, star of "Pulp Fiction", "Dawn of the Dead" (remake) and a hundred other roles that call for bald and brooding black men (hmmmm....thats a pretty good band name...) had the most untimely of animal accidents yesterday, when his caretaker was found dead on his front lawn, aparrently the victim of a mauling by four of Rhames' bull mastifs.

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Alright. Lets all be mature about this (I'm looking at you, Fox News). Of course there is a titanic difference between a certain overated (soon-to-be former) pro quarterback running an interstate dog-fighting ring and an accomplished actor's sudden bout of topical misfortune. However, I'm currently organizing a pool to bet on how many times you hear a "SPECIAL REPORT" about "how safe dogs are.....(*dramatic pause*)......really?!" BUM BUM BUM. And everytime one of these journalists* leads off one of their stories with a deadpan to camera saying "But are these animals really.......man's best friend?!" you take a shot. To the temple. From a Desert Eagle.

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Full Story

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*- Journalist (n.) > 1) Previous to the mid-1990's, a profession which involved the objective reporting of current events concerning global socio-politics, culture, and relevant historical developments without ideological bias.

2) After the mid-1990's, a profession which invovled the subjective gossping of current events concerning Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, with occasional interuptions for government propaganda and inflammatory politcal ranting with attractive women in short blond haircuts.